Chapter 2
TWO
NORTH
I’m mostly done rinsing my hair when I smell it: garlic. But not just garlic. It’s jarlic. It’s the smell of cheap tomato sauce, badly done, badly baked crust, and something masquerading as mozzarella cheese. I know that smell. That smell is banned from this station, and everyone here knows it.
Those fuckers! Those absolute fucking fuckers! They couldn’t wait twenty goddamn minutes for me to get myself scrubbed down after that hellish call so I could make them the best carbonara of their lives?
Traitors! All of them!
Racing out of the shower, I throw my robe on, then storm into the rec room to find two cheap-ass pizzas from the worst goddamn shop in town, just as I suspected. Lex is determinedly not making eye contact as he sets them down, but Easton immediately throws his arm around me.
“You’re in a towel.”
“It’s a robe, dickhead. And you’re eating garbage! Literal garbage!” I thrust both open palms toward the table.
I hold my robe closed and wince when a bit of soapy water runs into my eye. I swear to god it’s probably a superpower that I was able to smell the pizza, but these fucking assholes couldn’t wait for me to shower and cook?
“Breathe, North,” Easton tries.
I shove him off me. “Fuck you, fuck you.” I point at Lex and Easton.
“Ozzie, you’re cool as long as you don’t touch that fucking pizza.
Ted’s cool—wherever he is.” I wave my hand in a circle.
Teddy is our fire marshal, and he rarely comes out of his office.
“If Rune shows up, he’s cool, so long as he doesn’t touch the pizza, but Logan!
” I cry as Logan starts to reach for the first box.
“I will blacklist you from my food forever.”
He sags and looks a little sad, a lock of dark hair falling over his left eye. “Really? I’m so hungry, bud.” He still has that Canadian lilt to his voice, betraying his childhood in Toronto.
My eyes narrow further. “Who did this? Who ordered this garbage?”
Logan very slowly raises his hand. “There was a flyer. It was free, and I was starving.”
My rage is lava-hot, but I force myself to take a breath because he’s a rookie and doesn’t know better yet. “You know what, since you’re new, eat that pizza.”
He looks too afraid to move.
When he doesn’t, I square my shoulders. “I’m serious.
You have to learn the hard way, just like the rest of us.
You eat that pizza, and when you come to me and prove you understand why we don’t rush dinner—especially while I’m in the shower, washing off shit and vomit—and order from this garbage place, I will let you have my carbonara. ”
Logan’s normally tanned face goes a bit pale, and he swallows thickly. “Um…”
Easton drops a hand on his shoulder. “Better do what he says.”
Logan lets out a breath, then pulls the boxes closer to him.
“Good. Now, I’m finishing my shower, and I will know if anyone else ate it. And if you do, I will blacklist you from my kitchen for a month.”
I can see the war on Lex’s face, but Easton has immediately given up and walked out of the room. The rookies still seem unsure, though Ozzie is definitely not moving from the sofa.
I don’t wait around to see if they’re going to listen. I turn and march back to the bathroom and finish my shower quicker than I intended. I planned on double-scrubbing inside all my cracks to make sure I got all that kid’s stink off me, but a once-over will have to do.
I don’t dry off well enough, so my T-shirt is still sticking to my skin as I pull it over my head, and I give my hair barely a cursory towel-dry before throwing my cap on and marching into the kitchen with bare feet.
Easton’s sitting on the counter, holding a cup of coffee between his hands and having an eye-contact standoff with Rune, who must have just gotten here.
He’s our IT wizard—a term he hates but Easton has gotten everyone calling him, and Easton always wins these things. Easton has raging ADHD, and while he can hyperfocus on a lot of things, making eye contact with Rune isn’t one of them.
Easton blinks, then scoffs and hops off the counter. “It’s just a keyboard, dude. No need to be such a fucking dick about it.”
Rune says nothing, watching as Easton storms out of the room, and then he turns to face me. “Tell me I’m not crazy.”
“You’re not crazy,” I say immediately.
A smile plays at his lips. I’ve always liked Rune. He’s been at the station longer than I have. He started off as a firefighter, but something happened, and he went MIA for a while before coming back to work as our sole IT guy.
He’s a little terrifying and quite massive for a computer nerd.
And I swear to god, sometimes he can see straight into my soul with his giant eyes.
He’s got such a pretty-boy look too, with his long dark hair kept in a bun and his five-o’clock shadow that never seems to get longer or shorter, even when he shaves.
He’s also perpetually pissed off, but mostly because Easton keeps spilling coffee on his keyboards and doing random shit to his iMac that requires a lot of Rune’s time and attention.
“I’m seriously ready to take that fucker over my knee and spank the shit out of him,” Rune says as I reach into the cupboard and pull out a huge pot to start the noodles boiling.
I fall into a coughing fit, my cheeks heating, but I don’t think Rune realizes what he said—or how he said it.
“This is the third keyboard he’s ruined in the last ten days.
I know he’s kind of a spoiled shit who doesn’t understand the concept of money, but he has to know these things are expensive. ”
I grimace. I love Easton, I really do. We were rookies together and bonded for life, but he’s got privilege a lot of the guys around here don’t. Not just with money, but he’s also really fucking pretty, and he rarely gets told no.
It’s probably why he’s so obsessed with keeping Rune’s attention. Rune is the only one in the station who won’t give in to whatever Easton’s pouting about.
“I’ll talk to him if you want,” I say. I lean into the fridge and grab the parm I had pre-grated for pasta and garlic bread, the pancetta, and the eggs. “Are you staying for dinner?”
He sighs. “No. I have an appointment in a little bit, so I’m taking off. Will you save me some?”
I wink at him. “I’ll box it up all nice for you.”
He grins, and his cheeks pink. I don’t think he’s used to people being kind to him. He acts like basic shit is going out of my way, and I hate that for him.
He rocks back on his heels. “By the way, was it a bad call?”
“Mm? Why do you ask?”
He bites his lip, then says, “Easton seemed a little more on edge than usual. And Ozzie said you yelled at the new rookie.”
I feel a little bad about that. “Uh…let’s just say it was a little hairy there for a second. Kid got his head stuck in between slats on his staircase, and the dad was more worried about how much money the repairs were going to cost than his kid, who was literally shitting himself.”
“Wait, like…actually?”
I turn and grimace. “Yeah. Like actually shitting himself. And throwing up on me. I mean, it wasn’t his fault. He was freaked-out and super tachy. Lex gave him gas, and we managed to cut the slats and got him out, but it was nasty. And I think Easton might have been a little freaked-out.”
Rune tilts his head. “So that’s why he was acting worse than usual? Over some kid with his head stuck in the railings?”
I take a breath, then nod. “Yeah. He, uh…well. Anyway, it’s not my story to tell.” Easton might be privileged, but he does have his own trauma, and I’m not about to spill that to the one guy at the station who hates him. “He just has a hard time when kids are involved.”
The truth is, Easton’s very first call ever was a drowning. The people at the pool party panicked, and it went as badly as it could have gone. I don’t think he’s ever gotten over it.
But we all have those.
We hold scars just beneath our skin, shaped like the one person we should have been able to save and couldn’t. Sometimes it’s a call. Sometimes, well…it’s something else.
I force the thought out of my head. I don’t really want to think about my mom and sisters right now, so I turn back to check the pan, where the pancetta is sizzling, then lean over to salt the water. It’s not quite at a boil yet, but it won’t be long.
“Well,” Rune says, quieter than usual, “I should take off.”
“Alright. I won’t be here tomorrow, but I’ll put your food in the fridge. And if you want to head to the bar to play darts or…I don’t know, feed the ducks at the park or something, give me a call.”
He laughs as his eyes narrow on me. “You really want to feed ducks, don’t you?”
I shrug. “I like ducks.”
He laughs again and shakes his head. “Ducks sound good. I’ll talk to you later.”
Just like everyone else, he doesn’t promise he’ll hang out with me, and I’m pretty sure my next trip to the park will be like all my trips to the park: completely solo.
I used to be able to take my sisters, but even the youngest now is too cool to hang out with me. I’m just her weird older brother who likes to feed ducks and lie under the huge cement tortoises to look for four-leaf clovers.
All Meadow wants to do is be at the mall with her friends, making TikToks about whatever fuck-ass drink is trending at Dutch Bros.
And Starr and Westin outgrew me—both figuratively and also literally, since they’re in college and have better things to do than give a shit about their brother’s park trips.
I’m proud of them, but it’s lonely now.
And it’s starting to feel like the whole reason I abandoned myself as a person to take up this job was pointless. I know that’s not actually true, but sometimes it’s hard not to feel like I lost myself for something that was always going to be temporary.
“Food.”
I jump, realizing that my noodles have almost overboiled, and I glance over my shoulder at Lex, who’s strolling into the room.
“Sorry. I mean, please, North. Since you deprived us of pizza—”
“You cannot call Blackbirds pizza. Who names a pizza shop Blackbirds! It’s cursed.”
Lex rolls his eyes. “Aren’t you literally Crow Daddy?”
I suck in a breath and pull a face. “Don’t ever call me that again.”
He leans against the counter and watches me begin to turn egg yolks, cheese, pasta water, and noodles into a delicious, delicious meal.
“You’re the one who brings crows to work.
And I’m not saying you’re wrong about the pizza.
I’m saying that they give us free pizza whenever we want, and it’s hard to turn down with our budget. ”
“And I’m what? Chopped liver?”
He moves a little closer and sets a hand on my shoulder. I never did have a dad, but I used to fantasize about a guy a lot like Lex—just a little older—rolling up into my front yard with apologies on his lips and open arms for hugging when it felt like the world was too heavy.
Unfortunately, all I got was a stepdad straight out of a dark storybook, a villain who taught me how to hide a black eye and bruised ribs so the teachers didn’t call CPS.
“North,” Lex says, drawing me out of my head, “you know that I appreciate what you do around here, right?”
“Thanks, Cap,” I start, but the look he gives me tells me he’s not done.
“It was a rough call today, and Camilo told me to make sure you didn’t do that thing you like to do where you bury your feelings in cooking.”
“I resent that.” And it’s the truth, but only because I’ve always struggled to handle it when people see me. When they can see past the mask and the shadows I put up.
Thank fuck these guys weren’t around when I was in high school.
I take a deep breath, then turn away from the pan and fold my arms over my chest. “Look, I like cooking, okay? It helps me unwind and keeps me from losing it after a bad call. Which today wasn’t. It was stressful, but I think Easton took it harder than me.”
Lex glances to the side, and his shoulders tense a little. “We talked. He’s okay. And I called to confirm the kid’s alright.”
That makes me feel better. “Hopefully, his dickhead dad got his head out of his ass.”
Lex gives me a look. I don’t talk about my stepdad with anyone, but a few of them know bits and pieces of my past. He doesn’t try to call me on it though. “If it makes you feel better, Logan tried the pizza and turned green. He won’t ever make that mistake again.”
I try not to laugh, but it really is the worst fucking pizza in town. I’m half-convinced it’s a front for mafia activity because there is no way they have enough customers to stay in business. Also, schmoozing first responders is the first step before bribing cops.
Maybe.
Probably.
At any rate, it’s shady.
“I guess he can stay,” I tell him, and Lex rolls his eyes, but he reaches past me to grab the stack of plates.
“I’ll take these to the table. And thank you for taking care of us.”
I shrug. It’s what I do. I’ve always felt responsible for some reason…
which I say as though my therapist didn’t point out that I had made it my mission in life to get my mom back on track after Jimmy went to prison and the girls were removed from the home.
She said I was parentified, but instead of parenting my sisters, I became that for my mother and well… I guess it stuck.
I transfer the carbonara to a bowl, then pull the garlic bread out of the oven, and I feel a little spark of pride at the fact that it’s golden and crispy—exactly as it should be.
“North?”
I blink and realize Lex is hovering in the doorway, staring at me with a small frown. “Sorry. Got lost for a second.”
“Do you want me to talk to Camilo and see if he’s got enough coverage to let you go a little early? I mean, you’re over forty, right?”
“I need the money,” I answer from behind a sigh. It’s always like this at the end of the month. Mom has her rent due, and while my mortgage on my shitty little fixer-upper is small enough for me to afford, the payments will be coming in like clockwork for the next thirty years.
I don’t have time to take a break.
“North—”
“I’m fine, really. It’s just been a long day.” I give him something that feels like a smile but probably isn’t, then make my way into our makeshift dining room, where everyone is gathering, looking hungry.
I feel better like this. I can forget like this—at least for a little while—that I’m not even sure where I belong anymore.
And if this is where I want to be.