Chapter 3 #2
“It’s all the fucking dust in the air,” Liam had told me, then laughed and kissed the shit out of me. “It’s gorgeous, but probably full of valley fever.”
I knew I was supposed to care back then, but all that mattered was staring across the vast distance of absolutely nothing apart from saguaros breaking up the skyline and a few mountain ranges way off in the distance.
The only thing more gorgeous was when a storm rolled in, though those were few and far between. And the painfully dry air that made my lungs feel like they were cracking into pieces had me missing the East Coast like it was a severed limb.
It wasn’t hard to come back here after Liam died. He’d been the only thing worth living for on that side of the world, and though I hate admitting it, right before everything fell apart, I was trying to come up with a way to tell him I wanted to leave.
Not just him though.
Everything.
Endless summers, and our horrible little house that never got cool, and finding scorpions in my shoes and in the bathtub, and being a thousand fucking hours’ drive from anywhere worth going.
We talked about moving closer to Massachusetts a few times, and he was angry at me for wanting to choose my comfort over his.
I was angry at him because he refused to consider anything except concession a compromise.
And then the universe decided for the both of us that everything between us was going to be over. Permanently. With no way of walking it all back.
“Sorry,” Teddy says, dragging me out of my thoughts.
I offer a smile. “You’re fine. Understand me okay?”
“Yep. You’re good.”
He adjusts the magnet on the left side of his head, then swipes his hands on his jeans. He has soot spots on his skin, but Easton always tells me when there’s a fire, so I figure he was probably helping out with drills.
“You look upset,” he says after a long beat. His eyes are a little too keen sometimes, and he looks me up and down. “Bad day?”
“I had to deal with crow shit all over my front yard.”
“Sorry, can you say that again?” His brow furrows, and he leans in closer. I repeat myself exactly, and he snorts. “Crow shit. Yeah, that’s what I thought you said. North, right?”
I stare at him.
“He brought one of the birds with him to work today.”
What the fuck is wrong with this guy, seriously. “A crow? To a fire station?”
Teddy grins. “I mean, it’s a baby crow with a missing leg, and I think it imprinted on him or something. It’s kind of cute.”
I do my best to try and hide my expression because nothing North does should ever be considered cute.
He’s a pain in the fucking ass and has been since the day I met him.
Which was also the day I walked out of the bathroom completely unclothed because Easton was supposed to be at his training, and I had the house to myself.
Or so I thought.
Easton had given North his key to drop something off without telling me, and instead of using at least a courtesy knock, North let himself in.
And that was the second I stepped into the living room, stark fucking naked with a towel around my neck.
Instead of running away, I was so shocked by the sight of this man that I froze with my dick out and mouth open.
My brain had turned to static.
And North just…smirked. He gave me a slow up-and-down look, and then in the most sarcastic tone I’ve ever heard in my life, he said, “Nice.”
I haven’t been able to look him in the eye since then, and although I do visit my brother at the station, I do everything in my power to avoid seeing his dickhead best friend.
“Is he here right now?” I ask.
Teddy shrugs. “I think so. I lost track of who was on shift after they got back from their call.”
My stomach churns. It’s an absurd overreaction, but Easton’s first-ever call had been a bad one, and he almost didn’t recover from the pain of watching a child not make it. It took a lot of therapy and reminding him that I will not survive losing someone else I love to bring him back from the edge.
Sometimes I feel guilty for playing that card, and at some point, I’ll probably have to talk to him about it, but right now, I’m still in survival mode. And I don’t know if I’ll ever get out of it.
“Well, I’m gonna go grab my card from Easton. I have to do a store run before I starve to death.”
Teddy gives me a dark look. He’s definitely the station’s mother hen and almost as bad as the chief.
They’re both up everyone’s ass about eating right and getting enough sleep.
It’s kind of ridiculous to say to a bunch of first responders with the most fucked-up schedules, but I do appreciate that someone’s looking out for them.
And, on occasion, looking out for me.
“Do you want a ride to the store?” he asks. “I’m off in about ten minutes.”
I should say no. I need the exercise for my poor heart.
But after the Incident, my driving privileges had been ripped away from me and never returned.
That’s been one of the hardest parts of this whole thing.
I mean, I get it. The fall I took resulted in me having seizures, and god forbid I have one behind the wheel, but not having that piece of independence has been hard.
The town is small enough that I can survive without a car, but nothing stings like having my ability to go wherever I want, whenever I want, held hostage by my scrambled brain.
“That might be nice. I’m kind of beat.”
He smiles. “I have to finish up a couple things in my office, so you can meet me down there when you’re ready.”
I shoot him a quick thanks in ASL, then head into the station, holding my breath as I pass the entryway offices, though no one’s around this late. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to anyone, but some of the people in admin can be a bit chatty, and I’m really not in the mood for small talk.
Especially since all the answers to their questions are no, I haven’t done anything new and exciting lately. My life is the same, boring, monotonous routine, and I don’t know if that’s ever going to change.
My brother thinks I’m too young to be so pessimistic, but he also has no idea what it was like to lose a spouse, along with a giant piece of himself that he’ll never get back.
Turning the corner, I choose the stairs since I’m taking Teddy up on the ride, and I’m only puffing a little as I make it to the landing.
The station was renovated two years after Easton was hired on, and it’s still a wonder how much work they put into it. It had gone from the fifties-style brick house that felt like it was missing a Dalmatian to a modern, sleek building that looks like it belongs in an IKEA showroom.
The wraparound windows are a nice touch, and I can see the fading sunset in the distance in the direction of Boston. I avoid the city like the fucking plague unless I absolutely must visit.
It’s not that I dislike it. It’s more that I can’t handle anything loud or busy or chaotic anymore. It’s part of the lingering head injury that will probably never heal.
I didn’t just lose a husband in that Incident.
When Liam and I began to tumble down the slope off the hiking trail, my head caught a massive rock, and when I woke up, my ability to speak was gone for months.
And my ability to read, well…that’s still a struggle.
The fall also gave me seizures, a panic disorder, and the inability to understand spoken language if I get too stressed.
Which seems to be all the time now, though if I’m feeling a little optimistic, I can admit that’s gotten better in the last few years.
“Dude. What the fuck are you doing here?”
I turn at the sound of my brother’s voice and give him a scrutinizing look. He seems a little stressed but not a shaking mess, which means his call today probably ended okay.
His eyes narrow in a glare. “What?”
I jolt out of my thoughts. “Sorry. I need to get groceries, and you have my card.”
Easton blinks at me. “You could have ordered delivery. Your card is saved on your computer.”
I don’t bother reminding him that at the end of the day, my ability to make sense of a website is pretty much gone because I know how much that bothers him. I try to hide as many of those things from him as I can.
I want him to trust me that I can do this on my own.
Even when I can’t.
“I felt like taking a walk. And besides, I didn’t want to wait. All I have right now is moldy bread and expired milk.”
“Jesus.” He walks over and digs into his back pocket, pulling out his wallet. “You would die without me.”
I try not to flinch at that. “I was busy, okay? I’ve been working on a book chapter, and it’s kicking my ass. Then I went outside to get some fresh air and found your fuck-ass friend’s birds have shit all over my yard and got into my trash again.”
Easton at least has the courtesy to look ashamed as he digs into his wallet to find what I need. “Ah.”
“Anyway, by the time I got back into the kitchen to eat something, I realized I’d gone through all the leftovers you threw in my freezer, and I had nothing else.”
He stops halfway to handing me my card. “Wait. I haven’t brought over meals in almost a week. When’s the last time you ate something?”
I don’t want to answer him because I think the truth is yesterday.
I finished off the last of the frozen meals two days ago, and I had a banana that was just on the verge of going bad and two packets of instant oatmeal at some point before bed.
But my injury also scrambled my hunger cues, so they’re harder to recognize.
And stress always steals my appetite. Easton knows that my struggle with writing and understanding words is hard for me, but I don’t think he gets just how bad it feels to not be able to do the one thing I used to be so fucking good at.
But there’s no point in hiding my guilt over not taking care of myself. It’s on my face before I can try and disguise it. “Easton, I’m fine—”
“Go fucking sit down. I swear to god, Leo…” He mumbles something else I don’t catch as he spins on his heel and marches out of the room.