Chapter 28 Faye
FAYE
“Today’s the big day; what time are you leaving for the competition?” Dr Ocean asked, sitting across from Faye in a bright orange armchair.
There was so much she wanted to tell her.
How she wished she could confide in Dr Ocean about her plans with Gregory, for some reassurance that she was making the right decision, but it wouldn’t be fair.
Gregory had already broken enough laws in coming to her; she wasn’t going to put another soul at risk.
October had come along faster than Faye could have imagined, catching her off guard.
Ever since Gregory had told her about her fate, she’d fallen back into old habits of masking her true feelings behind quiet smiles, even as her heart ached.
It was hardest to fool Peter, but she figured throwing plates and sobbing over dinner about how life’s cruelty wouldn’t be subtle.
Still, knowing she was protecting him gave her a fragile sense of purpose, a reason to get up each morning and make the best of every day.
Beneath her resolve, she still cried in the shower each morning before facing her customers – moments she’d desperately miss, even the cranky ones.
With every polite nod or cheerful greeting, she felt an agonising weight of grief, as if she were already mourning herself.
It was as if she were attending her own funeral, painfully aware that the world would soon forget her as life moved on without her.
All that mattered was spending as much time as she could with Peter and those she loved.
She wanted to hold on to every hug, smile, and tear a second longer.
She wished for more time to talk with her loved ones – the Hawthorne woman who’d taken her under her wing, Rosie, her furry sister, and the Mathersons, who’d helped her find her own strength – but there was too much to say and too little time.
Besides, she feared that sudden declarations of love and appreciation might arouse suspicion.
As worried as she had been about entering the competition, it had been a small mercy in distracting her from her impending death.
Despite being prepared – excited, even – for the competition, she couldn’t deny that her stomach was swaying between nausea and butterflies.
She checked the clock on the wall behind Dr Ocean; still a few hours to go.
Thankfully, Peter was back at Stoker’s, helping pack up everything she needed.
She didn’t know what she would have done without him recently.
He’d truly been her light in the darkness.
“I’ve about a two-hour drive to Ravenstown; hotel check-in isn’t until 4pm.
I want to be as late as possible, because I don’t want to end up pacing the corridors, waiting for the minutes to tick down.
I’ll be far too nervous to sleep before the competition tomorrow morning,” Faye said, gently rocking in the rocking chair.
She found it easier to talk if she could move, and it stopped her from picking her nails or bouncing her leg when she could just let the rocking chair lull her into feeling safe.
“How are you feeling about heading out of town? Staying the night in Ravenstown Sanctuary?” Dr Ocean asked. They had discussed her anxiety about leaving the borders of Foxford in their earlier sessions.
“Better. Going to Paris with Peter helped quell my concerns. I’d never have dreamed of taking such a trip away from home, but he’s helped me realise the world isn’t so terrifying, that I can be a part of it instead of hiding from it,” Faye confessed.
“Though it was hard to drop Scarlett off at the Dragon’s Inn.
We bribed her with some cream cheese frosting and I brought extra for her siblings, so she settled quickly.
Benedict offered to mind her, but I was afraid Scarlett might eat Grecko, his gecko, or that she wouldn’t get along with Lucy’s cat Chaos.
She’ll be fine for a night or two.” It was amazing how attached she had got to the little beast. Scarlett had her favourite fruit bowl with her favourite cushion to sleep in at the inn.
“I’m sure she’ll be well looked after,” Dr Ocean said, “and it’ll be good to have a break from home.”
“Living in a sanctuary, our world can feel so small, and with everyone knowing what’s happened to me, I sometimes feel like I have victim stamped across my forehead.
People treat me like a china doll that’s going to break, but when we were in Paris, I just felt like Faye.
It has nothing to do with Peter, but he believed in me before I believed in myself.
My past isn’t who I am. It’s only a small part.
Ian was only a small part.” Faye said his name a little more easily now.
It used to stick in her throat like a golf ball, and she would refer to Ian as ‘my ex’ or ‘him’ when they’d first started talking.
“It’s hard to live where everyone knows far more about each other than they should. Though I’m happy to hear that you’re feeling stronger within yourself. It doesn’t matter how others look at you or feel about your past; it’s none of their business,” Dr Ocean reminded her.
“I’m working on caring less about what others think,” Faye said, rubbing her legs. She didn’t want to waste what time she had left on the past. “My paranoia hasn’t gone away as easily as the nightmares or the anxiety attacks.”
“Give yourself some credit. Overcoming the attacks was a huge step.”
“The medication helped, and I’ve only had one night terror this week, but that was probably because I watched a horror movie with Lucy and Rosie at the community theatre. I thought with a title like Flowers, it would be a rom-com. I left about halfway through…” Faye trailed off.
“You took the initiative to remove yourself from the situation instead of suffering through it. That’s great progress.” Dr Ocean jotted something down in her pad as she spoke.
“Thanks to Rosie’s werewolf senses – she smelt my fear and they left with me, even though I told them to stay. Instead, we went for a late-night swim in the lake and watched the fireflies. It’ll start getting too cold to go soon, so it worked out better.”
She’d cherish her last visit to the lake with them; it had felt like the perfect place to say goodbye.
She didn’t know exactly how much time she had left, since Gregory had told her that Peter’s interference could have changed the time and date, and he said it would be better if she didn’t see it coming.
But she was tired of being a victim of fate.
“Is Peter going to the competition with you?” Dr Ocean asked, breaking her train of thought.
Faye didn’t want her to think she was using him as a crutch. “It’s not just because of Peter that I feel strong enough to travel. I’m heading over to the castle first with Luisa, and he’ll join me later. I can do this with or without his support,” she clarified.
“That wasn’t an accusation; you told me how he helped you get into the competition, so I assumed he would want to be there to support you.”
This was her twelfth session with Dr Ocean, and it was starting to feel less daunting with each visit.
Yes, Faye got her demons off her chest, but since the therapy room was more like a cosy conservatory at the back of the doctor’s house, it felt more like coming to see a friend, even if she did feel exhausted after their sessions.
She’d thought about not coming today, but she had missed her last two ‘final’ appointments because she had so little time left at the café with Peter, doing what she loved.
Thanks to the success of the recipes she’d come up with after Paris, Stoker’s had never been so busy.
Still, this was her last chance to thank Dr Ocean for everything.
“Sorry. Luisa and I need to set up in the competition hall, and then there’s an orientation dinner for the contestants and their assistants, so Peter isn’t going to join us until tomorrow.
To be honest, I’m afraid of having too many eyes on me.
I don’t want to disappoint anyone, not after all they’ve done to support me. ”
“You think they’ll be disappointed if you don’t win?”
Faye shrugged. “I don’t think so, but I think a win would make me feel like I’ve done something right in the past decade.”
“You think you’re only worth help if you’re a winner, successful?”
“No. Kind of? That’s not really what I meant. I don’t know what I meant.”
“Do you think they’ll be mad if you don’t win?” Dr Ocean pried.
Faye couldn’t believe it, but she was right. She could still hear Ian’s voice in her head, calling her stupid, useless… The list went on until she realised that Dr Ocean was still waiting for an answer.
“They aren’t him.” She didn’t mean to sound so defensive.
Dr Ocean offered her a small smile. “No, they aren’t.
Tomorrow, no matter what happens, you’re in control.
You can leave whenever you want, and you can bake whatever you want.
You have the power. Leaving the sanctuary, finding a new relationship with Peter, and running your own café – of which I must say, I’m very partial to your marshmallow and cranberry pie – you’ve nothing to prove to anyone. You’ve done plenty right.”
“Sometimes I can’t believe this is my life now.”
“For ten years, you worried about repercussions; it’s going to take time to heal that part of yourself.”
Faye nodded. Dr Ocean was right. She was projecting Ian’s expectations of her onto them. “I never thought I’d ever enter a competition like this, so the truth is, I don’t care if I win. All I want is to be part of it.”
“Hold on to that. I’m sure the others are just excited to be there for you.”
The enchanted bell on the desk swished back and forth.
“That’s all we have time for today.”
“The hour always flies by,” Faye said, feeling a little braver. “Speaking of pie…” She reached into her bag and pulled one out. “This is just a small thank you for all your help.”
Closing her notebook, Dr Ocean looked at her with a gentle frown. “I’ll see you next week?”
“I’ll call your office to make an appointment.” Faye nodded, putting the pie on her desk.
“Right,” Dr Ocean said, “look after yourself.”
“Enjoy your treat,” Faye said, closing the door behind her, hating that she couldn’t give those she cared about a real goodbye without hurting Gregory or Peter. Then again, how many of us ever get to say goodbye when it really matters?
She was right, though. I can leave when I want and on my terms.
“Are you sure this old relic is going to make the drive?” Peter asked, outside Stoker’s.
“It’s only two hours away. She can handle it,” Faye said, finishing overpacking her truck. Even if the competition supplied ingredients and equipment, she felt better bringing her own. She’d also packed a weighted blanket and pillows for the hotel; the competition had spiked her anxiety.
“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure she makes it there and back in one piece,” Luisa said, squeezing her backpack and suitcase into the small, covered bed of the truck.
Given her cooking experience, it made perfect sense to have her assistance – and this would be Faye’s last chance to get to cook with Luisa, to spend time with the friend who’d brought Scarlett into her life when she was at her loneliest. Besides, Peter was still too green in the kitchen, and she didn’t want to put him under that pressure.
“We’ve got to get going; I don’t want to be late for the orientation dinner,” she said, kissing him quickly through the window. She swallowed the fear rising in her throat as she left him, reminding herself that she was in control.
“I’ll see you soon,” Peter said.
“Enough! I’m going to vomit from all the lovey-doveyness,” Luisa said from the passenger seat as she slipped an old cassette tape into the player. Some obscure metal band began to rattle the truck.
“We aren’t listening to that.”
“Don’t worry, I brought a whole selection; I thought it would get us in the fighting spirit.” Luisa beamed. “Your truck is the only one that’s able to play my tapes. Besides, you wouldn’t let me drive, so that makes me the designated DJ.”
“Are you sure you don’t want me to come now?” Peter asked Faye, resting his elbows on the open window.
“Not a chance,” Luisa said. “You’ve had her enough recently.”
“I’ll see you soon,” Faye chuckled, giving him a final kiss before backing out of the space and hitting the road.