Chapter 30
CHAPTER THIRTY
ASH
I don't see Rusty all week. When I text, he responds with thumbs-ups and hearts, but nothing else. No context, and no expressions of love or longing.
We haven't texted so little since the first week we met.
By Thursday night, I can't handle the radio silence. No matter how much I promised myself I'd be understanding and patient, the thumbs ups and hearts have been a study in mind games. Even with my melatonin, I’m not sleeping, and let me tell you, me without sleep ain’t pretty. So at nine at night, I drive to his house to find his truck parked in his driveway. All the lights are off except in the master bedroom, which faces the street.
I walk up to the door, but my hand hesitates before I can knock. I shoot off a text.
ASH
Hey Farm Boy. I miss you.
RUSTY
Hey, long day, sorry.
Any chance you could use company? I'm close by and could come over.
Watching Rusty's room, I see him come to the window. He's holding what looks like his sketch pad in one hand, and he closes the blinds with the other. A moment later, he turns the light off, and my heart drops.
Tonight probably won't work. I'm just about to go to sleep.
A wave of shock hits me. All I can do is respond with a thumbs up of my own. I drive home in a state of numbness. No amount of reminding myself what the Chicks said helps. Rusty said he loves me. I believed him. And now he's ghosting me.
He’s not ghosting you. He’s processing his trauma.
But why can’t he process it with me?
Until this moment, I was 99% sure that Rusty wasn’t avoiding me but rather working through years of pain. But now, after days of no communication and such a clear rejection, my confidence level has plummeted.
No, that’s dumb. This is the sleeplessness talking.
But then, Philip said he loved me. Frank used to tell the world he loved me on social media. Greg says he loves me, but I’m the only person in my family with a different last name.
The only thing these men all have in common is me.
I look around my disastrous room. Clothes on the floor. Clutter on counters and in corners. Art supplies and the signs of a dozen different hobbies I've started and never finished scattered all over my desk and chair. It's a disturbing representation of the mess that is my brain.
The room doesn't just need a cleaning, it needs an exorcism.
Stop , I think. My old therapist helped me view my ADHD as a superpower, but there's no denying it's also my kryptonite. Just picking a place to start is overwhelming. I grab a pair of socks on the floor and throw them in the hamper and put a book on the shelf and put paper in a drawer, and then I squeeze my temples. Has Rusty seen what a mess I am? Is he as disgusted by me as all the guys in my life become eventually?
No. You’re spiraling. Anxiety is common with ADHD. You’re underslept and overly emotional. What you need is a good night’s sleep and to have an honest conversation with Rusty. He loves you.
Yeah, and he’ll love me better if I’m not such a mess.
I spend hours trying to organize my room and my thoughts. Every time the overwhelm hits, I think of Rusty turning off his light so I would know I can't come in.
By the middle of the night, the room is totally decluttered, though my thoughts are worse than ever.
I barely sleep.
I get up early, shower, and then blow dry my hair with Parker's round brush. I flat iron my curls to death. My hair has so much product in it, I'm a walking fire hazard. I put my glasses on the counter — nope! These belong in my "glasses drawer," which I now have, thank you very much — and put in contacts that very well may be expired.
I wear a navy pencil skirt and heels with a camel colored blouse. Neat and professional with exactly zero quirk factor.
I'm the first one to the Jane & Co. offices.
When Lou and Parker find me in the conference room, my eyes are burning from staring at the presentation I whipped up in the middle of the night.
Lou slows when she sees me. But then she keeps walking. "Mornin,’ hon. You ready for the meeting?"
I expected a comment. "Uh, yeah. I made another presentation. And this time, I have cue cards."
My friends look at each other. I know exactly what they’re going to say. They’re going to stage a mini intervention or tell me I’m overreacting. They’re going to outline exactly what I should do because I’m such a wreck that I can’t even be trusted to take care of my own hair, let alone my life.
But Lou shrugs and sits next to me. “Cool.”
“ Cool ?” I echo.
Parker sits across from us. “Yeah, cool.”
Millie and Jane come in next. If they notice my hair or outfit, they don’t comment on it. Jane smiles. “Are we ready to take over Sugar Maple?”
I stare at my friends. “What are you guys doing?”
“What do you mean?” Millie asks, pulling out her laptop and then looking at mine. “Oh, do you have another presentation? Smart thinking. In case anyone didn’t get the memo that we made them a lot of money over the last week, you can slap them with some facts and figures.”
“I love slapping people with facts and figures.” Parker smirks. “Okay, show us what you got, AJ.”
They’re all staring at the screen, waiting. “What is going on here?” I ask.
They turn to me. “We’re waiting for you to show us?—”
I cut Lou off. “No, the way you guys are acting. You’re ignoring a pretty big elephant in the room.” I gesture to myself.
“You look great,” Parker says. “I mean, you clearly raided my closet, but it works.”
“I look like Frank’s Version of Ash,” I say.
“No you don’t,” Millie says. “You look like Ash. With straight hair and a snappy business outfit.”
“I stayed up all night and decluttered my room! I cleaned and organized for six straight hours. I have a glasses drawer now, and it’s bigger than my underwear drawer.”
A laugh escapes Lou. “Sorry, but that was funny. I love that you have more glasses than McLadyPants. ”
Jane snickers, too.
“Guys, I am not okay! All of this is a clear cry for help! Isn’t that what people say when women change their hair dramatically? ‘They don’t need bangs, they need therapy.’”
Millie’s eyes sharpen. “What bozo says that?”
“Every bozo on the internet.”
“You don’t need therapy because you straightened your hair and cleaned your room. You need a hair mask and a medal. Decluttering is the worst.”
And just like that, I burst into tears.
“Ash!”
My friends jump up, pull my chair out from the conference table, and take turns hugging me.
“You guys don’t think I’m broken?”
“No!” they all cry.
Millie sweeps the hair from my face. “Do you think you’re broken?”
“I think I’m tired and stressed and afraid Rusty’s breaking up with me.”
“In other words, not broken,” Millie says.
“No.” Just saying it out loud calms me. I’m sad, but I’m not broken.
“If Rusty doesn’t think he can be with you, it has nothing to do with you,” Lou says, crouching next to me.
“It doesn’t, right? I know I’ve driven other men away, but? — "
"You didn't drive Frank away,” Lou says. “You chose yourself over his manipulation. Same with Philip. You broke up with him .”
I screw my lips up. "I didn't," I admit, a tear leaking down my face. “You guys had that intervention and told me how worried you were, but when the time came, I couldn't do it. He did. He said he couldn’t be with someone who ‘explodes weirdness wherever she goes.’”
“Oh, Ash! Why didn’t you tell us?” Jane says .
“Because you guys were all so proud of me! You acted like I was a hero for following the script you gave me, but even when I knew exactly what to say and do, I couldn’t. I wasn’t strong enough.”
"You were,” Millie insists. “You always held pieces of yourself back with him, and he knew it. He preempted you so he could always hold this power over you."
I wave my hand around like I’m waving away a bad smell. “I don’t care about Philip. I hate that he broke up with me first, but I’m so glad to be rid of him, I literally cannot care.” I groan. “I care that you guys have had to pick me up a thousand times. I care that Greg never wanted to legally adopt me. I care that Rusty’s in such a bad place, he won’t even talk to me.”
“Okay, there’s a lot to unpack here, but let’s start from the top. Do you think you’ve never picked us up?” Jane asks. Why are her eyes wet? “You flew out to visit me when I first came to Sugar Maple and felt so alone.”
“And you rushed over to babysit Lottie the second you found out my sister was in the hospital,” Millie says.
“And you saved me during a full breakdown in the middle of Sonny’s family reunion.”
“And you’ve been my biggest champion since the day you found out who I am,” Lou says. “If you’re not safe to fall with the people you’ve caught, who are you safe to fall with?”
“Besides,” Millie says, “friendship isn’t about needing people, it’s about trusting people. We trust you, Ash. Whatever’s going on, you can handle it. And if you want help, you’ve got it.”
“You’ve got us ,” Lou adds.
I give them a sad, wet smile. “I don’t know if I’ve done something to push Rusty away. But at the same time, I can’t change for one more guy.” I grab my hair. “I can straighten my hair when I’m going through a crisis, but I can’t stop being me. Not even if it’s too much for him.”
“Do you really think you’re too much for him?” Parker asks .
The old me would have, but I’m not that girl anymore. And even if I’m wrong, I won’t become her again. “No,” I cry. “I think I’m perfect for him.”
“Amen to that,” Lou says.
"Guys are dumb sometimes,” Jane says. “If for some crazy reason you two don't work out, that doesn't mean there's something wrong with you . You are incredible. You're delightful, charming, beautiful, and you love with your whole heart."
Parker nods. "Ash, you are the brightest light in any room, remember? Rusty thrives in the light, but from the sound of it, he's spent a lot of his life in darkness."
"Maybe you need to give him time to let his eyes adjust," Lou says.
"Wow, you guys are really loving this light metaphor," I sniff wryly.
"If the lightbulb fits," Lou says.
"What? Screw it in?" I ask.
"Ew," Parker says.
"Nope," Jane agrees.
"Hard pass," Millie adds.
My heart is a little lighter from my friends' support, but it's still too heavy for my body. "What am I going to do?"
"What do you think you should do?" Lou says. They all look at me, waiting for my answer.
They’ve been supportive and reassuring, but no one has told me what to do. No one has written a list for me or given me next steps. They’re waiting for me because they trust me to figure it out.
And you know what? Straight hair and clean room aside, so do I.
“I want to go to the chamber of commerce meeting, knock it out of the freaking park, and then tell Rusty exactly how I feel so he can decide what he wants.” I breathe heavily. “And then I want to take out these contacts, because they’re driving me crazy."
Lou smiles. "One step at a time."
I puff out another breath. “One step at a time.”