Chapter Twenty-One Ryan
Chapter Twenty-One
Ryan
Artemis looks at me like I’ve lost my mind. And I think I might have. No, truth is I lost my will to draw. Because honestly? If I let myself go, I’m worried her face will end up on the canvas.
She’s been invading my sketchbook lately. The only thing I find myself drawing is her face. And I was so pathetic this morning in history class, when I accidentally almost let her see it. The girl she thought was my ex-girlfriend? It was her.
The minute I shut my eyes in bed every night, she enters my head. When I open them, she’s still there. And as soon as my pencil hits the paper, I’m drawing her beautiful eyes.
And then only a few minutes ago, I called her awesome and amazing. I saw the way her face lit up—it made something shift inside me. And all I want to do is add more light, more glow, to her face.
I can’t fight it anymore. My heart is fixated on her, and no matter how much I try to sway it, it won’t budge.
I’ve never felt this way about a girl before, and it’s a little scary, to be honest. Yet, a part of me—a huge chunk of me—wants to explore this with her.
I just don’t think I can.
Artemis’s hand closes over mine. I glance down at it, then at her. She must not have realized what she did because she quickly yanks it away. “Are you okay?” she asks, voice low.
I nod. “Fine.”
She shifts in place. “So…why can’t you draw?”
I shrug. “I guess I have artist’s block. You think of something.”
She searches my face. “Have you ever had artist’s block before?”
I shake my head. After my parents died, the only thing I could do was draw. It was a great escape, helped me feel not so alone. But why can’t I draw now? What is it about this girl sitting right next to me that’s holding me back? It’s as if there’s a brick wall in my mind.
“Maybe if you figured out why—”
I squeeze my eyes shut. “No, I don’t want to figure it out,” I snap. Then I sigh, covering my face and leaning forward. My hair falls over my hands. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you. This is just so frustrating.”
She places her hand on my back. Her touch is so soft. So warm. “Maybe you need a break.”
I shake my head again, dropping my hands. “I can’t stop. I need to draw.”
“Why? Because it makes you happy?”
“Not only that.” I sigh. “I need the money. I sell my drawings online.”
She lifts a brow. “Really? That’s so cool. And people buy them?”
I nod.
“Because you’re so talented.”
I don’t respond, but I love hearing her say this. Not sure if it’s true, but I still want to hear it from her.
“Thanks,” I say after a little while.
She smiles. “Just saying it like it is. But you’re putting too much pressure on yourself to make the drawings perfect. Just draw what you feel.”
Sure, on any other day, I’d do that. But now that all I’m drawing is her face, I can’t risk it. But of course I can’t tell her that.
I push the easel back. “Maybe I should take a break, like you said. And maybe the inspiration will hit me tomorrow.”
She nods and slides the tray toward me. “Then let’s dine like kings and queens on this delicious grilled cheese and vegetables feast.” She giggles, then covers her mouth, her eyes wide. “Wow, that was so dorky.”
I’m not listening to her. All I can think about is that adorable giggle. Not only does it light up her entire face, it fills me with a feeling I’ve never felt before.
The bell rings and I’m surprised to find I’m disappointed. Is it crazy that I want to spend more time with her? I want to hear that adorable giggle, talk to her, dance with her again. I want to just…be with her.
Artemis gets to her feet, gathering her tray. “We’d better get to class.”
“You go ahead. I want to see if I can come up with something.” I nod to the canvas.
She wavers at the door. “Okay. See you later.” She leaves the room.
I reach into my backpack for my sketchpad and check out the latest drawing, the one where her hair is pulled up.
My heart pounds so strongly as I take in her eyes. Why, why can’t I let this girl go?
***
Artemis talks about our science lesson as we make our way to her house. Her brother can’t drive us because he and Jenna are off on some romantic outing or whatever. I’m glad we’re walking, since it gives us some more time to hang out.
“Are you even listening to me?” Artemis demands.
Not really. All I’m thinking is how I couldn’t concentrate on that science lesson because of her. She’s taken up a huge part of me now, and I can’t get rid of her. Not that I want to. The last thing I want is to erase her from my life.
For so long, it felt like I was wandering through a dark tunnel. She’s the light at the end, lame as that might sound. But she brings out a part of me I didn’t know I still had. It may not seem like it, but she makes me happy. I just wish she knew it.
“Ryan,” she groans. “It’s rude to space out when someone’s talking to you.” She places her hands on her hips, giving me an exaggerated annoyed look. I see the playfulness in her eyes, though, as if she can’t be mad at me.
“Sorry, just have a lot on my mind,” I tell her.
“I get it. We all have stuff we’re distracted with.” She gives me a look. “But you’d better not be distracted by the movie.”
“I won’t.”
She studies me.
My hands shoot to my hair like I’ve got something in there. “What?”
“I just wish you’d smile.”
I turn away from her. I want to smile, too. I want to be the guy I once was. And while she’s helping me get there, I’m not sure I’ll ever be a hundred percent myself again.
“Sorry, there I go being all nosy again,” she says.
The rest of the walk is quiet, except for Artemis telling me her favorite spots in town, like the ice cream shop, pizza place, arcades she used to go to with her brother and Jenna when they were younger.
“What about you?” she asks. “Where did you even move from? I feel like I don’t know anything about you.”
Yeah, because I did a good job keeping myself and my life private. Shoving my hands into my pockets, I shrug. “I moved from New York City—Brooklyn. There really isn’t much to tell about me.”
Her eyes widen. “New York City? Is it as amazing as everyone says?”
Sure, theoretically. But I left so many negative memories behind, it’s hard to see it as a great city.
Besides, my family lived in a poor neighborhood in Brooklyn, and we didn’t go to the city often, only on special occasions.
Artemis waits for me to elaborate, probably to gush about my life there, but I don’t. It’s too painful.
We end up walking in more silence until we reach her house. Sure enough, her parents aren’t home.
She shrugs. “Let’s go to my room this time. My parents shouldn’t be home until really late.”
I follow her up the stairs, taking in the many portraits and paintings on the walls. Most are of Jason and Artemis in different stages in their lives. They look so happy, like they have the perfect life. I used to feel the same, until everything was destroyed.
Artemis flings the door to her room open and I take a step inside.
One shelf against the wall is lined with stuffed animals.
The shelf on the other side has different figurines, and snow globes, probably from all the trips she and her family took.
My family and I didn’t have the money for expensive trips, but I never felt like I needed them.
I was fine with just the three of us. I was happy.
Her queen-size bed is pushed against the window.
A large stuffed elephant sits in the center of the bed, comfortable on her huge pillow.
A TV lines the wall opposite the bed, and there are countless closets and dressers.
The walls are plastered with different posters of books and movies, all centered around Jane Austen and other books from that time era.
It’s a room made for a princess. And honestly, Artemis is a princess. Not the spoiled, selfish kind, but sweet, nice, with a good heart.
“So…what do you think?” she asks, cheeks a little pink. “I know, I know. It’s a room of a ten-year-old girl.”
“No. It’s perfect. It’s you.”
Her cheeks redden more. “Is that a good thing?”
“Yeah.” I move deeper into the room and sit down on the bed. It’s the comfiest thing I have ever sat on in my life.
“What?” she asks as she lowers herself beside me. “You got this weird look on your face.” She scans around, as if worried she accidentally left a mess on the floor. But no, it’s spotless.
“It’s nothing,” I tell her. “I’m just…shocked that this is your room. But forget that. Let’s watch the movie.”
She puts it on and we scoot back until we reach the headboard. I’m well aware of exactly how close we are. Her bed is huge, but for some reason, we’re sitting really close, almost as if we can’t get enough of each other. I definitely can’t get enough of her.
I keep my hands at my sides because it’s really hard for me not to be tempted to take her hand. All I can think about is how it would be if I held her hand as we watched the movie.
She’s a friend. A friend. But heck, I want her to be so, so much more.
As the movie goes on, I don’t think I can take it anymore. All this talk of love and romance, the way Artemis is so captivated by everything…and when Jane and Mr. Rochester kiss, that throws me over the edge.
Stretching my hand, I let it slide over hers. She glances down at them, then at me. I can’t look at her, don’t want to see the expression in her eyes. Because if she’s upset with me, I don’t think I could handle it.
But when she doesn’t pull her hand away, my eyes dart to hers. She’s staring at me, her eyes confused. I don’t know what the heck I’m doing and quickly jerk my hand away, focusing on the movie.
Her hand sweeps over mine, her fingers interlocking with mine. I hold her gaze, my heart pounding a million times a second.
She rests her head on my chest and my arm goes around her shoulder, tugging her close. We sit like that until the movie ends. Not that I’m paying much attention to the movie anymore. The only thing on my mind is this beautiful, awesome, amazing girl.