16
REID
The psychologist had been reading Tate’s diary to us every day for the past two weeks.
It was Tate’s wish to have us know what she wrote in there, and while all the things she wrote were fucked up, we sat and listened, trying to understand her mind better.
Dr. Dalton kept trying not to grimace while she read Tate’s diary word for word out loud. I was certain that she never had a patient like Tate before. And while Dr. Dalton was a professional psychologist, she wasn’t dealing with Tate’s diary the way I hoped she would.
I had a feeling that she was making fun of Tate, yet she was afraid that everything Tate wrote was true.
We all sat on chairs in a circle, in an almost empty office where there was only a couch and a desk. Tate had spent months in this room, and now I understood why she hated coming here.
The room was cold and dull, and nothing in here made any patient feel comfortable. But who was I to judge? I let my daughter come here. Twice a week, every week, for the past couple of months.
I had my arms crossed over my chest, and I watched Tate closely while Dr. Dalton continued to read the diary. What Tate wrote hadn’t fazed me so far, but when Dalton got to the part where Ainsley and Ronan got sexually involved with us, I was all ears and intrigued.
Ainsley, on the other hand, looked disgusted. She had her hand covering her mouth, and her eyes were full of terror. She couldn’t look at Tate. In fact, she hadn’t looked at our daughter in weeks.
She didn’t talk to her either.
Dr. Dalton stopped reading, and I looked at her, raising a brow. “Go on,” I encouraged. “There’s not many pages left.”
She gave me a tortured look before dropping her gaze to the diary and flipping through the last pages of it. She shook her head. “No, there aren’t many left. I just…” She sighed heavily and looked over at Ainsley. “I don’t think we should finish this today. It’s been…heavy. I don’t think you can handle any more of this right now.”
I raised a brow. “You’ve already read the part where I apparently fucked my daughter in the shower of that cabin and pissed in her mouth. I don’t think it gets heavier than that.”
“Reid.” Ainsley shot me a warning glare. “We don’t need a reminder of the disgusting things she wrote about us.”
“Get over it, Ainsley. She made all that shit up for a reason. It’s a cry for help. Don’t you see?” I shook my head and let out a hard laugh. “Of course, you don’t. You won’t even look at your daughter.”
Her body tensed, and she clenched her jaw tightly. “How could I ever look at her again after all the things she wrote? You’re acting like this is okay, Reid. Is it? Because if it is, I don’t know who you are anymore!”
Dr. Dalton cleared her throat and placed the diary on her lap as she closed it, with her finger still between the pages she stopped reading on. “I think it’s best if we do this next time. This will give me some time to talk to Tate again. It might be better this way.”
Ainsley got up from her chair and muttered something under her breath as she put on her coat. When she turned back around, she pointed her finger at me, with her expression telling me everything she wouldn’t say directly to my face in front of our daughter. “This is all your fault.”
“Wow.” I raised my brows and chuckled. “Really, Ainsley? It’s my fault alone that our daughter needs therapy?”
“Yes, Reid, it is entirely your fault! She has always had a sick obsession with you, and even when things got weird, you wouldn’t tell her off. You allowed her to become like this, and because of her, I lost you. It’s. Your. Fault!”
“Mrs. Peters, please—"
“I’m not Mrs. Peters anymore. Haven’t been in a long time,” Ainsley muttered, turning away from us as she headed toward the door. “I can’t wait to have this divorce finalized.”
She left the room, and Tate jumped at the slam of the door. I looked at her and saw all kinds of emotions in her eyes. She was angry but relieved that her mother left.
Dr. Dalton got up from her chair, and I watched her as she stepped closer to me, handing me Tate’s diary. “I’m really sorry, Mr. Peters, but I don’t think I can finish reading this. I would still like to talk with Tate about the things she wrote, but I would like to do that with her alone.”
I looked at the diary, taking it from her hand before looking up at her. I didn’t answer to what she said last. “I’m sorry for how my ex-wife acted. It’s unlike her. I apologize on her behalf.”
“It’s okay. I can’t say that I have had patients like your daughter before, or that I have dealt with a family issue this…concerning. But I’ll do my best to help your daughter.” She stepped away and locked her fingers in front of her, smiling tightly.
I watched her for a moment before looking over at Tate. She looked way more relaxed without Ainsley in the room, and I decided it was a good time for us to go home. I got up from my chair and looked at Dr. Dalton again, needing to ask one more question.
“Do you believe that Tate has written all those things because of her mother and I splitting?”
She looked over at Tate with a soft expression. As hard as it was for her to understand the sick and twisted mind Tate had, and as uncomfortable as it was to read through that diary, she always made sure that she was in a safe space.
Her eyes met mine again, and she kept her voice low when she said, “Yes, I do believe that it is the main reason. Most kids who witness their parents’ divorce have difficulties dealing with.”
Tate wasn’t a kid anymore. She was twenty-two, but Ainsley and I had been fighting for the past six years.
Tate and Ronan had lived through it all. Every single argument we had, they were there, watching it all happen, and watching the love Ainsley and I once had for each other slowly fade.
We had fought so much that I couldn’t even remember the reason why we started fighting in the first place.
I felt bad for my kids. I still felt bad. But with Ronan gone, it was easier to focus on Tate alone. Tate was my priority, and I wanted for her to get better.
I smiled and gave Dr. Dalton a tight handshake. It was probably the last time I’d see her. In fact, I wasn’t so sure I wanted Tate to come back here again. It’s been too many months of her trying to help Tate, but nothing changed.
I had to take matters into my own hands.
I would heal her. Help her get better and show her that the things she wrote down weren’t as sick as they seemed.
“Tate, come on. Let’s go home.”
She got up from her chair and looked at Dr. Dalton with a small smile. “Goodbye, Dr. Dalton,” she said, holding out her hand to her.
“You did great, Tate. I’ll see you again next week.”
“No, you won’t.” I looked at Dr. Dalton. “I think Tate will need a break from therapy for a while. I will call you when she’s ready to come talk to you again.”
“Oh, of course. That’s no problem. I think you as her father know what’s best for her. Good luck,” she said, smiling tightly.
As we exited the room, Tate turned back around to say one more thing to Dr. Dalton. “I’m sorry if my diary upset you. I think you’ll be okay though. You’re a therapist after all. You can help yourself.”
Dr. Dalton chuckled nervously, unsure how she should react to Tate’s statement. “I’ll be okay,” she assured her.
I placed my hand on Tate’s back and guided her down the hallway and out of the building, and once we reached the car, I turned her toward me to make her look at me.
I observed her for a moment, making sure that she was okay, but she seemed fine to me. I placed both hands on her cheeks, softly caressing her skin with my thumbs. “How about we go get something to eat and head home, watch a movie, maybe? What do you think, sweetheart?”
She smiled up at me and tilted her head more to the side. “Sounds good, Dad.”
“Okay. What do you want to eat? Tacos? I know how much you love tacos.”
“Mm, no, I don’t want tacos. I’d rather have a cheeseburger, I think.”
“McDonalds, then?”
“Yes, please.”
I leaned in and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Let’s go.”
“Dad?”
I stopped, not moving away before unlike I had intended just seconds ago. “Yes, sweetheart?”
“Did you like what I wrote in my diary?” she asked, her eyes filled with hope. She had always wanted me to like what she did. She needed my affirmation, no matter when or what for, and I always made sure to give it to her.
Still, there were times I couldn’t give in and tell her everything was fine when they clearly weren’t.
I smiled gently and brushed strands of hair out of her face. “Let’s not talk about that here.”
She wasn’t happy with my answer, but as always, she simply nodded and accepted my words and moved right along.
***
Tate didn’t talk much.
Not usually.
She was more of a writer, which she proved with that diary.
She had been writing in it for months, and before that one’s pages were covered in ink, she filled six more diaries, writing down every thought she had throughout the years.
I didn’t read them all, but I did flip through some of them whenever Tate wasn’t home. There was some twisted shit in those diaries, but I didn’t judge her for it. Like Dr. Dalton had said, it wasn’t easy for kids to experience a divorce, and everyone handled it differently.
While Tate wrote down her thoughts, her brother had fled from home.
Ronan hadn’t been home in almost four years, and he had no intent on coming back. Ainsley had moved out of the house and found herself an apartment closer to the city center, and I was left alone with Tate.
We were happy though.
We were very much alike, and even when we spent a day sitting in silence, it was never awkward.
The movie she had chosen was almost over. It was one we had watched many times before. She found comfort in the same things, and as long as she had a structured life, she was happy.
I looked over at her, watching her for a moment before I cleared my throat to grab her attention. “You done here?” I asked, pointing at the half-eaten burger on the coffee table.
“Yes.” Her voice was small. “Thank you.”
I gathered all the wrappers and napkins and brought them to the kitchen where I disposed of them, then I grabbed myself a beer out of the fridge. “Want another iced tea, sweetheart?”
“No, thank you.”
I went back to the couch and sat down next to her, and as the credits on the screen started rolling, I turned more toward her, wanting to talk. I reached for her hand and earned her full attention. “How are you feeling, sweetheart?”
She shrugged. She couldn’t find the right words, but her eyes were telling me enough. She was confused, unsure. Yet, she was content.
I took a deep breath and caressed the palm of her hand with my fingers. “I’m sorry I denied you another session with Dr. Dalton, but I don’t think you need to go back there again. Not after the way your mother reacted.”
Tate nodded slowly, with her brows furrowing.
“Or do you still want to go? If you still need to talk to Dr. Dalton, I’ll call her tomorrow and get you another appointment. I just don’t think you need to see her anymore. I think you’re ready to talk to me about everything.”
I never had the intention to manipulate her, but that’s exactly what I was doing. But I was doing it for her own good. I could tell she needed something to change, and I wanted to be that change for her.
“I think so too,” she whispered, her lips curling up into a small smile. “I’d rather talk to you. I think you understand me better. Dr. Dalton always looks at me with disgust when I talk to her.”
I figured as much.
I smiled at her and squeezed her hand gently before lifting it up to my lips and pressing a kiss to her fingers. “You know you can always talk to me. I never came to you because I didn’t want to push you. Didn’t want to urge you to talk to me when you weren’t ready. But I’m here, okay? Just say the word and we’ll talk.”
“Okay. Thank you, Daddy.” She smiled at me before moving closer and wrapping her arms around me.
I put my arm around her too and placed one hand on the side of her head, kissing the top of it. “Of course, sweetheart. Anything for you.”
We sat in silence for a while, and when she loosened her arms around me to sit up straight again, I looked at her and cupped her face with both hands. “So, is there something you want to talk to me about? Is something on your mind?”
She studied me closely with her beautiful eyes. “I want to know what you thought of my diary and what I wrote in it. Did you like it?”
“It definitely helped me understand you better. You wrote quite a lot, and some things didn’t sit right with me.”
She lowered her gaze, her brows furrowing. “I figured as much. I’m sorry. I guess I was trying to make things better. Get our family to be a family again.”
I sighed and leaned in to kiss her forehead, then her cheek. “You know we’re still a family. We’re just not living together anymore. But your Mom and Ronan are still very much here for you.”
She just nodded, not adding anything more to that topic. She leaned back to look into my eyes again, and I could tell what she was going to say next wasn’t easy for her to address.
“I want to ask you something important,” she said.
Whatever that was, I had to make sure that she’d feel comfortable and heard by me. I had always tried my hardest to give her answers that were enough, and until today, I had managed to do that.
The tip of her tongue came out to lick along her bottom lip, and she lowered her gaze as she spoke again. “Since we’re alone in the house, and nobody else is around, do you think I can finally let my mind go there? I’ve waited so long. I’ve held back for so long, and I know it’s hard for you too.”
I put two fingers under her chin and gently tilted back her head to get her to look at me. “I was giving you time, and you needed it,” I told her, smiling softly. “It’s up to you now, sweetheart. If that’s what you want, you can.”
She nodded, her eyes glowing as she straightened up. “I want to. I don’t want to stay away from you any longer. I need you.”
I needed her too, but as her father, I had to be careful not to lead her down the wrong path. Seeing her now, and seeing how she handled things, I could safely let her be who she wanted to be around me. And to be honest, I was waiting for this time to come too.
She was slowly healing from all the things she had to live through because of Ainsley and me, and I was healing too.
“Okay, sweetheart,” I said, smiling gently, and pulling her close again. I leaned in until my lips were grazing hers, and before kissing her, I whispered, “We can go there now.”