Chapter 25
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Scout
I wipe my brow as beads of sweat trail down my temples; the brutal August sun is not doing me any favors, despite the rain clouds that have been slowly moving in all afternoon.
The shadow from the cloud cools my scalding skin, followed by a much-appreciated gentle breeze. I take a moment to lift my hair off my neck, letting the wind cool my skin.
Dr. Drizzle didn’t predict rain today, but it’s starting to look like it. Which means I need to hurry.
I make my way down the ladder and refill my paint cup. Hopefully, I can at least finish this section before the rain forces me to call it quits for the day.
With this much rain in the forecast already this summer, I’m not sure how I’m going to get this mural finished in time. All I know is I’ve got to make the most of every clear day and try to make up as much progress as possible while I can.
As stressful as it may seem, having something as uncontrollable as the weather to deal with, it’s still nothing compared to the stress I’m used to feeling with school and work.
Maybe it’s all the sun getting to my head, or maybe Luka’s carefree attitude is starting to wear off on me, but I find myself knowing everything will work out.
I’m not sure how exactly, but I know somehow we’ll find a way…
That’s the thing about Luka, he makes me feel like anything is possible, even when the circumstances don’t feel like it. But more than that, he makes me feel like even if it isn’t, it’ll still be okay… Life will go on just as it always does.
It’s like the more I’m around him, the calmer my nervous system feels. Like he’s rewiring me from a lifetime of being chronically panicked and anxious. When I’m with him, I feel like I can let my guard down and finally breathe.
Even when he’s angry with me, I still feel regulated.
I bite my lip as I think back to the other night, the shocked look on his face when he realized I was a virgin, and the way his shock shifted to hurt. Not because he felt betrayed or taken advantage of, but because he was worried that he’d hurt me.
I was so caught up in my own head and what I wanted, I didn’t realize how selfish I was being by not telling him. I didn’t consider his feelings whatsoever…
It’s not that I didn’t want to consider his feelings, I was just too caught up in the moment, all my judgment blinded by white hot desire.
How surprised I was to not only not be afraid of his anger but how turned on I was by being the object of his possessiveness…
Nobody’s ever fought for me like that. Not because I was an object to be ruined, but because he couldn’t stand the thought of another man putting his hands on what he so proudly deemed as his.
And he didn’t even know that I was a virgin.
I’ve never felt so… desired in my life. No one has ever made me feel like I’m the prize to be won, not just my virginity… but me.
Maybe that’s toxic. But I don’t really care.
I used to think the opposite of love was hatred. But now I realize it’s apathy. Because at least being hated means they’re thinking about you.
I’ve spent my whole life bending over backward, trying to convince my parents—and later Jimmy—that I was worthy of love. And not once have they ever made me feel anything close to the way I feel when Luka looks at me.
To be hated by Luka feels like being worshipped, like I’m the sun he revolves around. The gravity that keeps his feet anchored in reality. He sees me. Really sees me. When no one else has even given me a second look.
Even though he wants me to believe it, he’s not careless with me. It’s like he knows I need so much more than gentle. He recognizes my darkness because it matches his own.
It’s like we’re just two halves of a broken spirit, finally finding our missing counterpart… even though it was under our noses all along.
So even though it was selfish of me, there was nothing I wanted more than to be claimed by Luka. I wanted him to take me with the same fervor and intensity. I wanted him just as he was, without holding anything back… Even if I knew it was going to be painful.
I think part of me was hoping it would be, if only for it to feel that much stronger. The mix of pain and pleasure—though mostly pain—was almost too much to take.
And somehow, it was still better than I could’ve imagined.
Despite the warning bells blaring in my head, telling me this is a terrible idea—all I want is to do it again.
As if Mother Nature personally felt the need to cool me down, I feel the first fat raindrop hit my cheek, followed by another on my arm.
I tilt my face up, welcoming the cool shower. Looks like I’m wrapping the day up early, once again.
I’m almost finished packing up my supplies when I hear the familiar hum of Luka’s motorcycle purring behind me.
I don’t even bother asking him how he knew it was going to rain, because just like always, he’s right on time.
“That smells amazing,” I say as I make my way into the kitchen, my mouth already watering from the delicious aroma. “What are you making?”
“Lemon garlic chicken and gnocchi with broccolini,” he says without looking up from the pan.
Luka’s standing over the stove as several pots and pans bubble and simmer around him.
He looks sexy as sin wearing a faded black denim apron over his plain white t-shirt. He’s barefoot, his black jeans hugging his ass and a backward baseball cap on his head. And if I wasn’t already ready to jump his bones, then I would be after seeing him like this.
My eyes lock on his hands, the way his veins bulge as he masterfully dices herbs before adding them to the steaming saucepan.
Holy shit, if I thought motorcycle Luka was hot, it has nothing on seeing him cooking. When did he learn how to cook?
I don’t know why I’m surprised to learn Luka has other interests than what I remember. It’s been almost a decade; of course, there’s going to be things I don’t know about him. People are supposed to evolve.
I just hate that I missed out on being a part of his journey.
It makes me wonder what else I don’t know about him.
I think back to our fight the other night, my guilt like a boa constrictor hanging around my neck, suffocating me a little more by the second.
Things have been awkward between us—thanks to the bomb I dropped in Luka’s lap the other night. He’s no doubt freaked out about it, probably trying to figure out a way to let me down easy.
Suddenly, all of this is starting to make sense. He’s cooking me a nice meal to make me feel special so he can gently let me down and tell me the other night was a fluke. Not that I blame him. He’s probably terrified that I’ll grow attached and make things out to be a bigger deal than they are.
He was just trying to have a little casual fun, and I had to ruin it with my damn virginity.
I knew I should’ve slept with Jimmy and gotten it over with already. But as much as he wanted to sleep with me, he never wanted to cross that line. Said it’d be worth the wait on our wedding night, and he loved the idea of a virgin bride.
I don’t blame Luka one bit for wanting to set boundaries with me; any thoughts of a round two die right there, just like my virginity.
Wanting to get this over with, I clear my throat and gesture to all the ingredients he has set out. “What can I do to help?”
He shakes his head as he wipes his hands on the dish towel casually hanging off his shoulder. “Nope. I’ve got everything under control.” He spins around and pours two glasses of wine, then passes me a glass. “Why don’t you have a seat and tell me about your day?”
I start to walk to the other side of the kitchen island, but he grabs my wrist to stop me. “Not over there, that’s too far.”
I let out a yelp of surprise when he grabs my hips and lifts me onto the countertop.
“There. That’s better,” he says as he steps between my legs.
“Luka, what are you—” My words break off as I suck in a sharp breath, which apparently amuses him because he chuckles to himself and shakes his head.
“You’re pretty cute when you’re flustered,” he teases, as he tucks a strand of hair behind my ear.
I ignore his teasing remarks, reminding my vagina to calm down before she does anything else to scare him away. Apparently, this is just how Luka is. He’s a shameless flirt, and the quicker I realize it doesn’t mean anything, the better off I’ll be.
He returns to the saucepan, adding more seasonings and oil, which causes steam to billow around him as he gives the mixture an even shake.
“So, how was your day?” he asks, glancing over his shoulder.
I swallow a gulp. “Good. I’m still running behind schedule with all this rain, but it’s turning out better than I expected.”
“That’s great.” He adds a handful of gnocchi to the pan, then flips the sauce to mix it all together and turns down the heat. “Don’t worry, we still have time. I’m confident that you’ll get it all done.”
“Yeah… I hope so,” I say, feeling distracted.
Luka tells me about his day, how Roman called him informing him that L.O.K.I.
’s been using his identity for a dating profile to date three different women.
Roman only found out after one of the women tracked him down at work to confront him after seeing his dating profile on one of those Are We Dating The Same Person online forums.
“Roman was so pissed,” Luka says, shaking his head.
“Why Roman?” I say through a laugh.
“He said the online dating sites needed to be able to run a background check, and since I’m already married, Guy’s already got his own dating profiles, Leo’s already in a serious relationship, and Jett wouldn’t get him any bites due to his job title and overall off-putting demeanor … Roman seemed like the best option.”
I wipe the tears from my eyes, my stomach aching from the deep belly laugh. I’d almost forgotten what it feels like to laugh this hard.
“Did you tell them who they were actually talking to?”
“No. I figured it was already bad enough that they’d all been having phone sex with him for the past three weeks.”