Chapter 21 Locke
twenty-one
Locke
The problem with my well-thought-out plan was that it worked.
I’d lost the mask while still maintaining my anonymity.
I’d kissed them both. Good God, they were incredible.
I was already addicted, but now I was completely gone for them.
That first brush of my lips against theirs had changed everything.
I couldn’t stop after that. I’d gorged on them, tasting every inch of them until need had overwhelmed us all.
It had been incredible. It was everything I’d dreamed of and more. But the thing that had cinched the deal was Kamirah and Chris’s trust. I’d removed their ability to see what I was doing, and they hadn’t hesitated to trust me.
What would they get in return? Their trust broken.
I picked up my clothes and looked at them one last time. They were curled up together on the bed, already fast asleep. They hadn’t even stirred when I’d removed their blindfolds.
The walls began closing in on me. I needed to get out of here.
I tiptoed down the stairs, trying not to wake them, my heart shattering into a million pieces with each footstep I placed between us.
Screwed was an apt description. I was epically fucked.
Commitment didn’t scare me. Hell, I’d jump into a relationship with them right now if I could.
But that was the problem. It was also the whole point of my hairbrained scheme this weekend.
I’d planned on coming out to them. I had the misguided idea that I would reveal my identity, then spend the weekend doing all the things I hadn’t been able to do with them while wearing a mask—kiss, cuddle after sex, fall asleep together, take a shower with them, you name it.
It was all supposed to be happy boyfriend to the married couple.
But that wasn’t how life worked.
Hearing Kamirah remind me that I was their secret was like a gut punch.
In my need to get to them, I’d forgotten that about myself.
I’d ignored the one reason I’d continued with the mask—hiding my identity to protect them.
It had completely disappeared from view.
I’d gotten to Big Bear as quickly as I could—via a small commercial flight—but it had taken me straight through LAX.
They only had half of the information they needed to be able to decide whether to trust me.
I wasn’t someone who could be kept secret, and not in a “Nobody puts Baby in a corner” kind of way, but in a “My face is public property” way.
People saw me in LAX. They followed me, the circle closing around me until security had to step in and clear me a path.
Fans—the same people who made and could break my career—were interested in my life.
It’s what I’d signed on for when my agent told me I’d scored the role of a lifetime, then another and another.
I sacrificed some of my privacy for the sake of my career.
But Chris was holding onto his privacy with an iron-clad grip.
If I revealed who I was to them—hell, if I kept seeing them—eventually, shit would hit the fan, and everything they’d worked to protect—the largest of those things being the truth of Chris’s sexuality—would ultimately be made public.
And if it did, I’d be faced with Chris walking away just like he did with Hux. I wasn’t sure if I could handle that.
I couldn’t change who I was. Sure, I could walk away from acting, I could move out to the country and live a simple life away from fame-obsessed Hollywood.
But how would that help? It would only put distance between us.
We wouldn’t have achieved anything except exploding Chris and Kamirah’s reality into a million pieces.
The fact was that I was a movie star. The world knew I was bisexual. I drew the public’s attention.
They needed discreet. They needed someone who blended in and wouldn’t get noticed.
Someone who wouldn’t rock the foundations of their world again.
They already lived like hermits. The TMZ article had done a number on them.
They were prisoners in their own home, terrified of doing anything in front of their neighbors.
Their biggest fear was ending up front page news again.
If anyone got wind of me visiting them once or twice, it’d be easily explainable as a friendship.
But more than that was a fucking disaster in the making, especially with me coming and going in the dead of night.
Chris was so deep in the closet that literally only a handful of people knew his true orientation.
Every relationship he’d had was predicated on being discreet, on hiding—and then there was me.
I’d been careless enough already. I’d been to their house far too many times over the past few months. I’d done exactly what their ex had—parked a short walk away and slunk around in the shadows to enter from anywhere but the front door—and look where it ended up with him.
It'd fucking ruin me if they turned away from me. But what else did I expect would happen?
I had to act. I couldn’t risk them—not when I was so fucking in love with them.
There was a reason why Chris was closeted.
It wasn’t because of the team—there was already one bi guy on it, and if I wasn’t misinterpreting what I’d seen at the New Year’s Eve party, there was at least one other. So, it was something else.
But whatever it was, it ultimately didn’t matter. I was their secret. Hearing it out loud made me realize just how wrong I was for them. I couldn’t be what they needed, not when I would draw so much attention to them. I couldn’t hurt them, and I definitely couldn’t protect them if we were together.
Which left me with one option—walk away.
If I didn’t, I’d become their worst nightmare, not their fantasy.
Social media was a special kind of hell for me, but if I logged on, I’d see my name tagged in thousands of photos.
I’d see TMZ reporting on where I’d headed.
They probably already had someone scouting the front of the property.
It wasn’t the first time it had happened.
It was the very reason why I’d bought this chalet—I’d needed privacy, somewhere I could disappear to even if it were just for a night.
I finished dressing, slipped on my boots, and swallowed hard.
I exhaled slowly and resisted the urge to bang my head against the front door.
Behind me was warmth and comfort. In front, a cold, icy, unforgiving road leading me away from the people I loved.
But there was only one direction I could take.
I opened the door and slipped out, bracing myself against the chill.
Shivering, I made a run for the garage where I’d stored my clothes and slipped into my extra layers, desperate to warm up.
With shaking fingers, I sent them text after text, my thoughts tumbling out of me.
They would be the last texts I’d send them.
They had to be. Once I’d said what I needed to, I had to block their numbers.
I needed to cut myself off cold turkey, or I’d never walk away. And I had to, for Chris’s sake.
I’m sorry. It’s not enough, but I truly am. The truth is that I should never have let things get this far. I should have walked away from you both in Fiji
Fuck, I should never have even come to you in the first place
But I’m a weak bastard who couldn’t bear to cut you out of my life. I need to, though
I sucked in a wobbly breath, blinking to clear the tears from my eyes. My heart hurt, the pain in my chest a visceral ache that stole my breath.
I could never regret you. You’re both incredible. I love every moment we’re together. I never want to leave. But this time I have to, and I can’t come back. I can’t see you anymore
I can’t protect you if we’re together
Chris, you’ll be outed whether you want to be or not. It’s just not worth it. I would never put you in that position
I’ll never out you. I’ll never break your trust. This time between us will always be our secret
I promise you, I’ll never tell anyone
I looked up and sucked in a slow breath, trying to ease the tightness that was suffocating me. The darkness surrounding me was as deep as the abyss I’d thrown myself into. There wasn’t a single light at the end of the tunnel. Apt considering how much time I’d spent in the shadows of late.
I know my word is meaningless when you don’t even know my name, but trust me, it’s better that way. My anonymity was to protect you as much as it was for me
I’m sorry I can’t stay. I’m sorry that this has to be goodbye. Being your secret was the best thing that’s ever happened to me
I choked out a sob and leaned back against the cold stone wall, bracing myself so I didn’t fall on my arse.
I wiped the tears streaming down my cheeks with the back of my hand and resisted the urge to go back inside, beg for forgiveness, and try to make things work.
Instead, I ordered a rideshare and powered down my cell phone.
I needed to go. For them. I just wish things could have been different.