Chapter Twenty-Six
Jase
Me: Got plans for the day?
I sent the text and looked out at the bouquet of yellow balloons swaying in the breeze at the end of my parents’ driveway. I’d been parked along the street of their house for five minutes already, working up to going inside. More cars lined the edge of their lawn, the baby shower in full swing. Ideally, I’d slip in unnoticed, give my brother and his wife my best, then spend the rest of the party sitting along the wall sipping a beer until it was late enough that I could justify needing to head out.
Dani: Not really. Just taking advantage of some me time.
Me: Me time? Is that code for masturbating?
Dani: Don’t know yet. Depends where the day takes me.
She ended the text with a winky face, and my lips rose. I’d give up six months of my salary to be back at her place, in her bed, watching her pleasure herself until neither of us could take it and I sank slowly inside her. I could practically feel the way her hips would rock helplessly against mine, urging me to take her harder, faster, to fill her completely, the way I had last night and the night before. Nearly every night for the past three weeks. My cock twitched at the thought, and I had to tear my mind away from the image and remember why that wasn’t how I’d be spending my day.
Me: Have a good time.
Dani: You too.
I didn’t have high hopes. I think she knew it, too. I hadn’t exactly hidden that I wasn’t thrilled to be going home to Connecticut, and I was sure she’d noticed how many of my mom’s calls I’d ignored in favor of returning them later. Or the fact that I wasn’t staying the night at my parents’ house even though I wasn’t working this weekend.
Maybe she found it strange my mom hadn’t asked me to help with food for the shower, despite my offering. I’d rather spend my time here in the kitchen, but when I’d put it out there, my mom had said she’d think about it and then never mentioned it again.
A part of me wanted to tell Dani how much that stung, to let her see the tender skin my family always managed to poke. It was a vulnerability I’d only ever shown Dr. Ohara. One I still had a hard time facing myself.
How much of it would she really want to know? How awkward would any mention of my family be for her?
Maybe it wouldn’t be awkward at all. Maybe the certainty that it would be was all in my head. Maybe I should try letting her in and see how it felt for both of us.
I had to make it through this shower first.
I took a deep breath and pushed my way out of the rental car, grabbing the gift bag off the front seat. Hot August air pressed in around me, plastering my button-down shirt to my back, the stiff material offering no breathability. The only reason I’d worn it was because my mom had given it to me, which meant it might be one less thing she’d find to criticize me for. I wasn’t up for that today. All I wanted was to celebrate Alec’s growing family and leave without any added drama.
Michael Bublé’s singing greeted me over the speakers as I pushed open the front door. The same muted-toned furniture and ornately framed artwork I’d grown up with filled the space as if no time had passed, every throw pillow and decorative trinket precisely arranged into the picture of domestic bliss.
My chest constricted as memories barraged me. I was sixteen again, seventeen, eighteen, slipping silently past this same room as I snuck out the front door, slowly pulling the latch closed behind me, relief flooding my lungs the second I was on the other side. As if I could breathe again.
It was a calling I desperately wanted to answer as the ivory walls with their crown molding squeezed in around me.
I made a straight line through to the kitchen instead, out the sliding door and onto the deck, where my breaths came a little easier in the fresh air.
What had to be at least fifty people mingled throughout the backyard. Buffet tables were set up on one side of the deck, covered in metal trays of catered food, while high tops and round tables draped in white tablecloths were scattered across the grass. At the center of each was an arrangement of white and yellow flowers, matching the yellow balloons tied all along the yard’s white fence. It looked like something straight out of Martha Stewart. I had to hand it to my mom—it was impressive.
And the complete opposite of anything I would plan or want for myself. Not really surprising at this point, but it still made my shirt feel that much tighter.
With a quick sweep, I was able to spot my parents. Dad stood just off the deck with a few of my uncles and a man I recognized as Stephanie’s father. Mom was across the yard with most of the ladies, orchestrating what looked like a game involving diapers. At the center of the chaos sat Stephanie under the shade of the large oak tree.
I crossed the deck to deposit my gift on the table with the others, then headed to the cooler beside the food and grabbed a beer. I’d just twisted off the top when my brother stepped through the sliding door, grinning when he saw me.
“You made it, man.” He pulled me into a hug, slapping a hand against my back before pulling away.
“Yeah, I—” I started to say I wouldn’t miss it , but I probably would have if Mom hadn’t been so insistent. “Yeah.”
Guilt gnawed at me. My little brother was having his first kid. I should want to celebrate with him. Should feel proud of him instead of wishing he’d do one thing that didn’t meet my parents’ expectations. Should be able to look at him without bitterness twisting my stomach.
I wanted him to be happy. He’d never been a bad brother to me, had never antagonized me or judged me for my decisions, at least not to my face. It wasn’t his fault he had the kind of relationship with our parents that I’d never managed to build.
We stood next to the food table in silence, peering out at the yard.
“Congratulations, by the way,” I spat out. “I don’t know if I’ve said that to you yet.” I hadn’t. Add it to the list of ways I was a terrible big brother. Right below me fucking his ex-girlfriend.
What would he say if I told him? Just laid it all out right now:
So hey, remember Dani, your college girlfriend who I’m pretty sure at one point you planned to marry? I woke her up this morning with my tongue between her legs, then drove my cock into her until neither of us could speak. Oh, and also I can’t stop thinking about her.
Would he care? Be angry? Feel betrayed?
Or maybe he’d just think I was pathetic, like I was chasing who he’d been, trying to be the same.
Not that I was about to find out. This would be about the worst possible time for that particular conversation, not to mention I wanted to discuss it with Dani first. Another conversation I wasn’t sure how it’d go.
“I’m really happy for you and Stephanie,” I said instead.
Alec beamed. “Thanks.” His gaze landed on his wife, his whole face softening as if the rest of the party faded away. “We’re really excited.” He clapped me on the shoulder. “And, hey, maybe you’re not so far behind, now that you’re back with Gabby.”
My brows pulled together. “What are you talking about?”
“Gabby,” he said again, sounding confused. “Mom said you were back together. That’s why we invited her.”
My hand holding the beer bottle froze in midair. “You what?” Every inch of my skin grew tight as my pulse shifted into high gear. “Tell me she’s not here, Alec.” My eyes flew to the group of women across the yard.
“She…I’m sorry,” he said, voice panicked. “I swear to God, I thought you were back together.”
Just then, I caught a glimpse of raven-black hair and tanned skin in the middle of the pack of women, head thrown back, laughing at something my mom had said.
I should have turned around, marched through the house, and left that very second. Nothing good would come of this. But before I could retreat, my ex-girlfriend looked over her shoulder and spotted me.
She smiled like she was expecting me. Like this had been the plan all along. Like it hadn’t been a year since we’d last spoken. She stood and tapped my mom’s arm before pointing in my direction, and my mom’s eyes lit up as they both started across the yard.
“This is not fucking happening,” I said, ready to scream except for the fact that I could no longer breathe.
This is not fucking happening.
If I thought it enough times, maybe it would come true. And then pigs would fly.
“What can I do?” Alec asked, eyes wide, face pale with guilt. I had nothing to do with this, yet I still managed to ruin his party. All by not being with the person my mom thought I should.
“Don’t worry about it. I just need to duck inside for a bit. I can’t—” I glanced at Mom and Gabby, now halfway to the deck. “I just need a few minutes. Please, just enjoy your party, okay? Please.”
“Are you sure? Because I could?—”
But I was already stepping inside, setting my beer on the island as I headed for the staircase to my old room. If I walked out the front door, I’d get straight in my rental car and wouldn’t stop until I was back in Philly. The desire was so strong I had to grip the railing to stop myself. I refused to do that to Alec.
“I’ll go get him,” Gabby said from the kitchen, her voice and the swift clicking of heels on the wooden floor following me up the stairs.
I reached my room, now void of the Green Day and Blink-182 posters that had hung on the walls in high school, and clasped my hands behind my head. I was able to drag in two full breaths before the door clicked shut behind me.
“Hey, handsome.”
My arms dropped. “What are you doing here, Gabby?”
Her smile was predatory as she stepped toward me, hips swaying in her tight dress. “What, I don’t even get a hello?”
Sure, if we’d stumbled across each other in the grocery store. But she was here, in my parents’ home, at my brother’s baby shower. My muscles were granite, my lungs hardly able to expand. “Whose idea was this? Did my mom call you?”
“You know the two of us were always close.” She lifted a shoulder. “We’ve stayed in touch a little. She thought I might like to come, and it seemed like a good idea.”
“Why?” I practically begged. “And why didn’t you call me first?”
“Would you have answered if I did?”
Probably not, no. Not right away. I would have needed some time to brace myself before a conversation with her. But I would have at least texted her back.
“That doesn’t explain why you’re here,” I said as she got closer. “We broke up over a year ago.”
“So? That doesn’t have to mean anything.” She laid her hands on my chest, and I flinched. “Not if we don’t want it to.”
“It means we’re not together anymore,” I said, pulling her wrists away and stepping back.
Growing up, this room had never felt small to me. If anything, it had felt the opposite, been the one place where I could cast off everyone else’s expectations and have the space to be myself. Right now, that space was getting sucked out, the walls shrinking around me, leaving me trapped with more than one of my pasts.
She took another step, cornering me against the twin bed. “We could be—” she started, but frowned as she saw my face.
I was already shaking my head.
She dropped the flirtatious act. “Jase, come on. We were together for years, and then we hardly even talked about it before you left. One day, everything was great, and the next, you were ending it. Do you seriously not regret it?”
“No,” I said, stepping to the side to put another foot of space between us. I grimaced at the harshness of my tone. I did regret some of how I left. But not that I left. And I didn’t trust her to care about the difference.
She saw my grimace and jumped on it. “We can talk about it now,” she said, hope rising in her voice. “I get we had a few issues, but we were good together. We deserve another shot.”
“No.”
She reached for me again. “Look?—”
“I’m seeing someone.” The words left my mouth like a gavel, striking hard and fast.
Gabby’s face fell. Her hands dropped to her sides. “Your mom said…” She folded her arms over her stomach, shoulders drawing forward. “Why didn’t you bring her?”
I shoved my hands in my pockets, a bit of steadiness returning with the thought of Dani. “It’s new,” I explained. “And despite what my mom thinks, she doesn’t get a say in my relationships.”
Gabby lowered her chin, eyes drifting to the small desk along the wall to her right. “But it’s serious?”
Yes . My instinct was to say it. To fucking scream it. Burn Dani’s name into my skin and bare it for the whole world to see.
But the truth was I didn’t know. The way I felt about Dani was new to me, and it was entirely possible she didn’t feel the same way.
Even if she did, she might not see a future for us. Not with her history with my brother and the unknown of my family. “Serious” implied marriage and houses and babies and all the things Gabby wanted from me that I didn’t have in me to give. Not when that was all she wanted me for. When she could take or leave the rest of me without it mattering to her bigger picture.
I’d never felt that from Dani. Like an object to be obtained.
“It’s real,” I replied.
“And I wasn’t, is that it?” Her eyes went glassy, and my shoulders sagged.
“ We weren’t, Gabs,” I said as gently as I could manage. “We were convenient. I wasn’t there for you the way you deserve, and you…”
Her red eyes held mine, waiting.
“We both deserve to be with people who make us feel good. More than just ‘not alone.’ Can you honestly say that’s what we were for each other?”
Her gaze swept the room before dropping to her feet. She dug one heel into the plush carpet. “I’ll go,” she finally said.
I nodded, not knowing what else to say.
She walked to the door, pausing as her hand touched the knob. “I hope it works out for you, Jase. But maybe ask yourself, how real can it be if you won’t even bring her home for your brother’s baby shower?”
She didn’t wait for an answer. Just opened the door and was gone, leaving me to wade through the doubt she’d left in her wake like a lingering perfume.
I’d barely made it downstairs before my mom was in my face, demanding an explanation.
“What on earth did you say to Gabby to make her leave?”
I strode past her toward the kitchen. “Leave it alone, Mom. Please. You never should have invited her in the first place. In fact, I asked you not to.”
She scoffed. “So I’m the bad guy for not wanting you to be alone forever? To have a future? She was good for you, Jase. She has a stable career, is nice and attractive. What reason is there to not be with her?”
“A stable career?” I rounded the island, keeping it between us like it might protect me in some way. “And I don’t? You think I need someone to support me after I fail miserably as a chef like I do at everything else, is that it?”
Her mouth hung open for a beat as she crossed her arms.
So that’s a yes.
“How would you even know how my job is going?” I challenged. “When was the last time you asked me about the restaurant? It’s good, by the way. So you can stop trying to find someone to pay my rent.”
“I just want you to be happy.” She gestured out the window to the backyard. “Look at Alec. Look how happy he is with Stephanie.”
I clenched my jaw, refusing to blow up within earshot of the party. “He is happy. And this party is for him, so how about we get back to it and forget this?”
“But if you go after Gabby right now, you might?—”
“ Mom , drop it, okay? I don’t love Gabby. I don’t want to be with her. I was miserable with her. You don’t get to decide I wasn’t just because it’s what you’d prefer.”
“Jase.” My father stepped inside from the deck, sliding the glass door closed behind him. Guess I was really in trouble now. Just like old times. “That’s not how you speak to your mother. She was just looking out for you.”
My hands rolled into fists on the cold granite as I strained to keep my voice even. “She completely disregarded everything I said about Gabby. Either she wasn’t listening to me or she didn’t care. Neither of you do.” I drew my arms wide. “What am I supposed to do with that?”
My mom showed me her palm and turned away. “I can’t talk to you when you’re like this.”
“Your mom’s right,” my dad said, placing a hand on her shoulder. “It’s disrespectful to your brother to discuss this now, anyway. He’s the one we should be focusing on today.”
I blew out something too bitter to be a laugh, focusing anywhere but at them. If I looked at them right now, I didn’t think I’d be able to hold in my scream.
“Come on, dear.” He led my mom toward the sliding door. “Stephanie was going to start opening presents. I know you had a plan for that.”
Because opening presents needed a plan. Apparently, opening them was too simple.
I watched out the kitchen window as my mom plastered on a smile and took up her place as ring leader, coordinating the move of presents over to the oak tree where Stephanie still sat. She waved Alec over, and he took a stance behind his wife, bending to drop a kiss on her cheek as his hands rubbed her round belly. The ladies circling them all awed, and the men all cheered him on, the perfect son living his perfect life while I was on the outside once again.
I stayed for another half hour, watching them open presents from the rear of the deck before I slipped into the house and left. Chances were I’d be back in Philly long before anyone noticed.