Chapter 1
Before.
‘Holly!’ I drum my fingers on the steering wheel and stare through the open car window. ‘Holly! You don’t want to be late!’
I glance at my watch. Almost six thirty, and I still have to shop and make dinner.
I bite the edge of my thumbnail and immediately take it out again.
I don’t want Max to see my chewed-up fingernails.
He’ll be at me all night otherwise. What’s the matter, Kate?
Are you anxious about something? What could you possibly be anxious about?
What’s wrong? You’re happy, aren’t you? Aren’t you happy? Aren’t you?
‘Holly!’
I don’t understand it. She’s been so excited about going to this party. Max never says yes when she asks to go somewhere, ever. It’s taken everything for me to convince him to let her go this time.
‘She’s making friends,’ I’d said. ‘We’ve been here such a short time – it’s good for her to socialise.’
He sighed through his nose, the way he does, then frowned at the ceiling, as if the answer was etched up there. ‘No.’
‘Max,’ I said softly, ‘she’s sixteen years old. You have to let her out sometime. You don’t want her to turn into some basement-dwelling crackpot playing computer games all night, do you? What would people think?’
He didn’t reply, but kept staring at the ceiling. Finally, he said, ‘All right, fine. But she has to be home by eight thirty.’
I check the time again. Six thirty-one. I’m about to call Holly again when the front door opens and she walks out.
‘It’s a party, Kate,’ she snaps, throwing her bag on the backseat. ‘How can I possibly be late?’
‘Oh, okay. Bad mood, then.’
She sighs, closing her door. ‘Can we please go?’
I stare at her. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘Nothing’s wrong. Just go.’
‘All right…’
We drive in silence for a few minutes. I steal glances at her. She has her feet propped up on the dashboard, looking out of the side window, her fingers trailing patterns on the glass.
‘You look nice,’ I say.
She snorts. ‘Yeah, right.’
‘Your hair looks nice,’ I say. Her outfit, well…not so much. It’s the same outfit she wears every day: black, baggy, pseudo-gangster clothes, high-top sneakers, and a loose hoodie that seems to swallow her whole.
‘Is that the new hoodie?’ I ask. I bought it for her just last week. Black, large, non-descript.
‘Yeah.’
I really wanted to take her shopping for some new clothes for the party. I even showed her a picture of a bright blue dress I thought would look gorgeous on her, and a velvet dress with buttons down the front, more toned-down, but still really pretty.
She frowned at it. I think she was tempted, but then she shook her head. ‘No, thanks.’
And that was that.
She turns abruptly. ‘Did you get the present for Scarlett?’
‘Yes.’
Scarlett is a few months older than Holly and turns seventeen today. Max isn’t crazy about Scarlett, which is no surprise, really. But Scarlett is a new friend – they all are, we’re only two months into the school year, and Holly is the new kid on the block.
Scarlett is also ‘the popular girl’, a little older, a little cooler, and whenever I see her at the shops outside school hours, she’s wearing a lot of makeup, crop tops, short skirts, and she has a ring in her belly button.
Holly let slip that all the boys fancy her, which is no surprise.
When Holly said that she, too, would like to get a ring in her belly button, Max said, ‘You do that, and I’ll kill you. ’
Holly turned pale, so I laughed heartily, throwing my head back, and punched Max – lightly – on the shoulder to underscore the point. Maybe I even said, ‘You’re so funny!’
‘So what did you get her?’ Holly asks now.
I brighten. ‘I got her a shiny purple journal and a box of multicoloured gel pens. It’s very cute.’
She opens her eyes wide. ‘Are you kidding me?’
‘You’ll love it. It comes with stickers. Gold stars and—’
She buries her face in her hands. ‘Oh my God. I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life!’
‘Why? It’s charming. I had a diary when I was your age. In fact, I was thinking of getting you—’
She drops her hands. ‘We talked about it! You were supposed to get her a voucher from The Beauty Bar! That’s what she wanted! A facial! A manicure! But a shiny purple journal? With gel pens and stickers?’ She groans, sliding down into her seat. ‘I’m so dying right now.’
‘Holly, that’s enough,’ I say, but not unkindly. I pull up behind a parked car and turn off the engine. I turn to face her. ‘What’s going on? You’ve been excited about this party all week, but now you sound like you don’t even want to go. Do you want to go?’
Her face wobbles.
‘Holly…’ I pull her to me. She bursts into tears. I smooth her hair back. ‘What’s wrong? What’s all that about?’
‘You’re messing up my hair,’ she whines into my shirt.
‘Sorry. What’s going on?’
‘Everybody is going to hate me.’
‘No they won’t. Why would they?’
She pulls away and wipes her eyes with the back of her hand. ‘Because I look like this, and everyone else is so cool and they have nice clothes and I’m like…a freak.’
I wish she’d let me buy her a new dress, but I know why she turned it down.
She’s afraid her father will say it’s too short, too tight, too slutty.
That he’ll fly into a rage and call her names.
That he’ll forbid her to go to this party.
I told her we could find something even he couldn’t object to, but she wouldn’t risk it.
‘You’ve got a great look,’ I say. ‘You look like Billie Eilish.’
‘Yeah, I wish,’ she snorts.
‘Here.’ I rummage through my bag and retrieve my silver makeup pouch. ‘I brought it especially. I was going to do it when we got there.’
She looks at my makeup bag like it’s a gold bar. She wipes the last of her tears. ‘Really?’
I unzip it and pull out a small eyeshadow palette. I smooth her hair away, then rub a little eyeshadow on a brush.
‘Just take it off before he picks you up.’
‘How?’
‘I’ve put some cotton buds and a tiny bottle of remover in a ziplock bag.’
‘Seriously?’ she says, closing her other eyelid.
‘Yes.’
‘Where is it?’
‘In the inside pocket of your bag.’
I sweep some mascara on her eyelashes, careful not to smudge it.
She takes a breath. ‘I was trying different clothes on, and honestly, I don’t know why I bothered. Everything I own looks the same.’
‘It’s all right. You still look nice.’
She doesn’t quite roll her eyes, but almost.
‘Did you really get Scarlett a diary? Because I’m not giving it to her. I’ll just say that I forgot and left the present at home.’
I put a little blush on her cheeks. ‘I was joking.’ I dig in my pouch for the lip gloss I bought for her. I came prepared. Everything I chose is muted but nice – soft shades that suit her colouring. I pull out the lip gloss and hand it to her. ‘What about this?’
But she’s not looking at the lip gloss. ‘What did you just say?’
‘I was joking about the diary. I got Scarlett a voucher from The Beauty Bar. Enough to get herself a mani-pedi and a facial. Do you want the lip gloss or not?’
Holly looks at me like I’ve grown another head. ‘So why didn’t you say so?’
‘It was a joke. I was trying to make you laugh.’
She shakes her head. ‘It wasn’t funny.’ She takes the lip gloss and flicks the cap off. ‘Is it new?’
‘Yes. Do you like it?’
She adjusts the rearview mirror and dabs it on her lips. ‘I love it.’ She tucks it into her pocket. ‘Thank you.’
‘You’re welcome.’ I put my things away. ‘You look great,’ I say, starting the car. And for once, she doesn’t roll her eyes.
A few minutes later, we turn onto Scarlett’s street, and I am shocked to see how many cars are parked up and down the road, half of them on the verge.
‘Big party,’ I say, crawling past groups of teenagers.
I don’t need to look at the house numbers.
I can hear the music thumping from here, not to mention the house is lit up like it’s running for the Brookford Christmas Lights Competition.
I can’t imagine what the neighbours will think.
This is a very posh, very secluded road in a very posh, very secluded neighbourhood.
Thank God it’s me dropping her off and not Max. He would have had a heart attack.
I catch sight of Amelia, one of Holly’s classmates, and her mother, Sophie. Sophie waves and laughs as if to say, ‘Take a load of this!’ I wave back, grinning, and keep crawling until I find a parking spot further down the road.
I retrieve a large red envelope from the backseat and hand it to Holly. ‘Here you are. It’s the voucher.’
She takes it, shoves it into her backpack and opens her door. The sound from the party goes up by ten decibels.
We get out of the car. I smooth her hair. ‘Don’t forget to take off your makeup before your dad picks you up.’
She rolls her eyes. ‘God, trust me, I won’t.’
‘And he’ll pick you up at eight thirty.’
She looks at me like I’ve just asked her to shave her head. ‘Eight thirty? No, Kate! Come on!’
‘Hey, you, come on. You know the rules.’
‘I just got here! Say nine thirty, at least. Say ten! Please!’
I let out a breath. ‘Holly…it’s not up to me, you know that.’
‘Please?’ She looks so pleading, so wanting. She never goes out, and she has no friends, thanks to her crazy father.
I sigh. ‘All right. Nine thirty.’ Max will be okay with nine thirty, won’t he? It’s only an hour.
‘Ten? Please, Kate.’
I nod. I mean, she’s right, she’s only just got here. She’s sixteen years old, not a baby. ‘Fine. Ten.’
She throws her arms around my neck, almost knocking me over. I laugh.
‘Hey! Holly!’
We both turn at the sound of her name towards a group of girls waving at us with arms like windmills.
Holly waves back, grinning. ‘I love you,’ she says to me. ‘You’re the best. See you later.’
‘I love you, too. Have fun, okay?’
‘I will!’ She blows me a kiss as she runs across the road to her friends, and I don’t know why, but I have a bad feeling in my stomach. Like something terrible is about to happen.
I shake my head and turn back to my car.