Chapter 23 #2
It's 2 a.m., and I'm sitting on the cold wood floor beside my bed, where I've been for the past twenty minutes, mustering up the courage to make this call.
I finally worked up enough strength to press the call button, but hearing his voice filter through reminds me I hadn't planned for what I'd say once he answered.
Calling feels personal, and the last thing I told him was, "I don't want to be your friend.
" After I said it, his eyes flashed up to mine, and for a heartbeat, it felt like he knew what I was saying.
I don't want to be your friend because I can't. I can't when I want to be your everything.
However, our moment was cut short, and given the rollercoaster we've been on, I'm not sure where things stand.
"London…" I start, my voice unsure, a tremble he must pick up, because he cuts in.
"One hundred and ninety-seven," he says evenly.
"What?" I question unsteadily as I look at the moon outside my window.
"It's been one hundred and ninety-seven minutes since I gave you my phone number," he says, the gravel in his tone trailing off.
"I'm not sure if that means you wanted me to call or not."
"Two hundred and fifty-seven," he gives me more numbers, his voice carrying a little more strain. "That's how many minutes it's been since you kissed me."
My eyebrows shoot up. "Excuse me. It was you who kissed me. You're the one who pinned me against the pole, and it was you who leaned in."
"Relax, heartbreaker, I know who kissed who."
"Then why did you say that?"
"I just wanted to see if you were thinking about it too."
I press the phone closer to my ear and close my eyes.
I've prayed for conversations like this one, where thoughts of wondering if he thought about me were answered, but now that I have them, I don't know what to do with them.
The silence stretches between us like a physical thing, underscoring the years of separation .
"Are you okay?" he asks, the concern in his voice breaking something inside of me. After everything, he still cares. I may not know the details of why he made the choices he did, but I know they weren't made easily.
"It's late?—"
"I'm sorry about earlier…" My chest tightens painfully as I immediately assume the worst—he's sorry he kissed me. But then he says, "I couldn't drive you home. I only had my bike, and I would never be able to forgive myself if something happened to you."
"Is that all?" I swallow hard, leaving no stone unturned.
"I'm not sorry I kissed you. If anything, I'm sorry I waited this long." I pull in a stuttered breath that I'm sure he hears through the phone. "Laney…" He pauses, and I listen as he takes a quickened breath. "Can I give you another number?"
"Yeah," my voice cracks with emotion as I collect this moment, one that's literally been years in the making.
"Two thousand two hundred and twenty-one," he breathes out with a sigh that matches the immensity of the number.
"I never knew you had a thing for numbers," I say to knock the tension down enough so I can breathe.
"I don't. I have a you thing. That's how many nights it's been since the last time you kissed me."
My eyelids flutter in sync with my heart. "You kept count all this time…" What feels like a million questions bombard me at once. If he kept count, he lived every day remembering, and if not a day has gone by where I didn't cross his mind, why subject himself to this? "Why?"
"It's complicated…but in short, I needed the reminder of what was threatening to kill me so that I could find the strength to continue walking down the path I chose." His voice catches. In the silence, I listen to the soft rhythm of his breathing through the phone.
"I don't understand," I say quietly, my fingers tightening around the phone as if I could somehow grasp the meaning hidden beneath his words.
"I know you don't…" he trails off with a ruffled sigh. There's a heaviness to it, and I wish he'd open up. I wish he'd stop carrying more than he can bear alone. "Can you meet me for coffee in the morning?"
I hesitate, but only for a second. "Yeah, I can do that."
"Okay." A sigh of what sounds like relief filters through, loosening something tight in my chest.
"Okay," I echo his resolve, the word somehow both a whisper and a promise.
"Hey, Laney..." He says my name like it's something precious.
"Yeah." I press the phone closer to my ear.
"I'm glad you called." It's only four simple words, but they are the exact ones I need to hear.
I dialed his number for a reason: I needed to know if he thought of me the same way I thought of him and if there was any reason for me to hold on.
And for the first time in a long time, tomorrow feels like it holds infinite possibilities.
"Goodnight, London."
"Goodnight, heartbreaker." The nickname slides through the receiver like a caress, stirring memories I've tried and failed to bury.
After I hang up and rise to my feet, standing motionless beside my window overlooking the stables, I press my forehead against the cool glass, my racing thoughts settling.
Tomorrow brings no guarantees, just coffee and conversation with the one person who knows me better than I know myself.
The one person who still calls me heartbreaker, as though I hold that power, when all along it was my own heart I couldn't protect.
I crawl into bed, pulling the covers up to my chin. Tomorrow waits on the other side of sleep. Whatever path we've chosen, whatever complicated truths the morning light will reveal, at least we'll face it together. Two people finding their way back to a conversation that never truly ended.
"I'm beginning to understand why you said no when I initially asked you to work with Gypsy," Madison says, flanking me on my left as she rides up on London's horse, Titan.
"Yeah?" I say, eyes forward, where Fisher is riding alongside her sister, Abbey, and Gypsy.
"It's hard to control the environment when you don't have your own space," she says, looking behind us where I know Trigg, Asha, and London are trailing. "I should have known the guys would want to tag along the second they saw us tacking up the horses."
"Don't worry about it. The main focus is Abbey and Gypsy. As long as they aren't bothered, that's all that matters. Focusing on their bond and strengthening it is important."
I was surprised when Madison called me earlier in the week to schedule a trail ride.
After my initial assessment, I took a few days to research what I thought might be the root of the issue they were experiencing in the arena, and I knew it wouldn't be an easy conversation.
The problem isn't with Gypsy. It's not something that can be corrected through training.
The issue is Abbey, and only Abbey can fix it.
"I owe you an apology," she says as she leans forward to rub Titan's neck.
"I reacted poorly after you told me your suspicions about Abbey, but I just want you to know it's not because I don't respect your opinion.
It's because I didn't want to lose my best friend.
Vaulting has been our thing since we were kids…
" she draws off, and I can hear the pain in her voice as she battles the reality that if Abbey can't trust Gypsy, all their hard work might come to an end.
It's easy to overlook the lunger in a vaulting duet when all eyes are focused on the horse and the person performing acrobatic routines on its back as it canters.
Still, Abbey's anxiety can be felt every bit as much as Madison's.
"I'm just not ready to let this go. I love what I do, and I know Abbey does too, but if she can't get over her fear, then?— "
"Listen, the fact that Abbey showed up today, that she's here and willing to try, is a good thing, and while my assessment may have been a hard pill to swallow, that could have been exactly the push the two of you needed.
Now that there aren't any secrets between the two of you, you can focus on what's next and healing your bond. "
"How did you learn about my fall?"
"Well, after watching your routine in the field, I didn't observe anything that stuck out, so I thought I'd try to find some clips online from around the time you said the issue started, and the first thing that came up when I Googled you was your fall.
I didn't think it was a coincidence that, shortly after that, Gypsy's performance in the arena started changing too.
That was a nasty fall, Madison. You got lucky.
That could have been more than career-ending.
I understand why Abbey is nervous. She doesn't want you to get hurt. "
She's quiet as she adjusts herself in the saddle, something I said not settling with her, though I'm not sure what. Discussing her fall could be the culprit, but I get a feeling it's not. The air between us thickens with each passing second of silence.
"I see. I just didn't know if someone told you, is all," she says with a shrug.
Someone like London , I think to myself as anxiety coils in my stomach. I know there's something between them, and I hate feeling like the other woman, but what's more, I hate not knowing what something is.
"I should probably catch up with Abbey and see how she's doing." My words hang between us, an obvious deflection.
"Hey, can I ask you something? It's not about horses," she asks.
"Sure." I adjust my hold on the reins and relax my hips to keep pace, bracing myself for whatever's coming.
"How are things going between you and Trigg?" Her question slices through the facade of casual conversation.
I tense a little at her question. "Trigg and I aren't dating."
"Because of Dallas?" I risk glancing in her direction. When my eyes meet her cold blues, I get a sense of knowing, but to my understanding, she's not aware that London and I have any history. Hell, she still believes his name is Dallas. I let that last thought calm my anxiousness.