9. Chapter Nine
Chapter Nine
Allie
I love my friends. I love my friends. I love my friends.
That’s the mantra on repeat in my head as I storm into the house and slam the door behind me. The bang makes Nora jump.
Do I feel bad? I mean… maybe I will later. But right now? Not even in the slightest. Right now, it’s time to clean this house and maybe have a mental breakdown. Okay, definitely have a mental breakdown.
“Whoa. Allie?” Nora blinks at me as I march past. She’s watching me like she’s trying to figure out if I’m about to burst into tears or flip the coffee table.
Kicking off my sandals, I send them flying into the corner of the entryway and head straight for the living room. My heart is pounding so hard I can hear it in my ears, but there’s no time to worry about that.
I start grabbing every single water bottle off the coffee table, checking for even the tiniest ring left behind.
“Allie,” Ana says from somewhere behind me.
I don’t answer. Not because I’m ignoring her—okay, maybe I am—but mostly because I’m on a mission. Dust exists. I know it does. It’s lurking, just waiting to embarrass me the second a band I actually like walks through the door.
I throw the empty bottles into the small trash can and practically run to the couch, fluffing the decorative pillows.
“Allie!” Ana tries again, this time using her version of a mom voice. I glance up and see her standing in the doorway with her arms crossed.
“What?” I snap, standing straight to swipe at the hair clinging to my forehead, then continue assaulting the couch.
“Slow. Down.”
I freeze mid-fluff. “Slow down? Are you kidding right now? You invited the guys here for tomorrow . Tomorrow, Ana! That leaves us with less than twenty-four hours to make this place look like adults live here.”
She raises a brow. “Allie, it’s clean. We’ve been here, what? Barely even three days?”
“Yeah, but—”
“Ah!” She cuts me off with a finger high in the air. “We are on vacation . And we are here to do what?” she asks, her head tilted while she waits for my answer.
I blow out a long, shaky breath. This is supposed to be fun and definitely not feeling like life or death.
This would be so much easier if it were just random guys. Not a literal band I religiously listen to. I’m sure Ana was just thinking about adding fun to everything, but… this is scary for me. I’ve always been a people pleaser, but this right here kicks it into major overdrive.
“We’re here to relax,” I admit quietly, plopping onto one of the couch cushions.
She narrows her eyes, tilting her head expectantly. “And?”
I roll my eyes. “And step out of our comfort zones.”
She nods, finally pleased. “That’s right. Now stop freakin’ cleaning. Go grab a bottle of wine and just… breathe .”
Nora walks into the room, her nose buried in her phone while she drops onto the arm of the chair. I have to bite my tongue so I don’t tell her that’s not a seat, but I know if I tried then Ana would be more on my case.
When you plan a vacation as a mother, all you look forward to is peace and quiet.
The time to be your own person for once.
But the part nobody ever warns you about is that your brain?
Never turns off from mom mode. So is it really peace and quiet when there’s always that little voice in your head, making demands to keep your title?
“Do you think all of them are coming? Or just Jax and James?” Nora asks, chewing on the sleeve of her shirt.
Bite your tongue, Allie. Bite your tongue.
God, this is harder than I thought.
Ana’s head snaps in her direction, then chuckles. “Oh, come on! Don’t tell me I have to keep an eye on you too.”
Nora’s face turns beet red, her eyes wide when her mouth opens and closes before she finally says, “No, you don’t. I was just curious.”
“Mm-hmm,” Ana hums under her breath.
I hold up a hand, stopping them both. “Excuse me, but nobody has to ‘keep an eye on me’ either.”
They both look at me, chuckling while mumbling, “Sure.”
My head falls back against the couch. Usually, I wouldn’t mind the teasing, but all of this already feels overly stressful. Between it being my first time without my girls, and the fact that Bottom Line is coming here —am I sure I’m not dreaming?
Why did I even agree to this? I could have just said no. It was on the tip of my tongue and everything, but that little voice in my head was begging me to say yes.
“Stop.” I hear Ana say, her voice low.
I turn toward her, raising an eyebrow. Although the look is unnecessary—she’s always been able to read my mind, to the point it’s almost scary. I swear she and I were separated at birth, but given Ana’s Mexican heritage and my pastiness, my theory has been disproven.
“Stop what?”
“Pouting. Worrying. You name it.” She crosses the room and sinks into the armchair to my right. Her feet land with a thud on the corner of the coffee table, making me cringe both physically and internally.
“I’m not pouting. I’m just—”
“ Pouting ,” Ana and Nora say in unison.
My mouth falls open. “Pouting is the wrong word here,” I defend with a forced laugh. “I’m nervous . I’m excited . I’m feeling too many things to pick just one. But pouting? Absolutely not.”
“I’ve already said this so many times, but I’m going to say it one more time.” Ana leans forward, eyeing me hard. “You, Allison Lorraine Windsor, fucking deserve this.”
“You keep saying that, but—”
“We both do,” Nora cuts in. “I mean, look at how my life is turning out. I haven’t had a break in three months since Michael left, and I’ve been just going through the motions. But I’m sure as hell not going to let that stop me from moving on.”
Ana’s eyes dart to me, and I shake my head slowly.
She and Nora have never exactly seen eye to eye. She thinks Nora is… self-centered. Constantly redirecting conversations so she’s the main topic, but Nora just needs someone to see her just as much as the rest of us. So I let her say what she needs to. I always have—without question.
Ana closes her eyes, inhaling a long breath before blowing it out slowly.
“Exactly. You both need to remember who you are. You’re not just someone’s mother.
You’re not just someone’s baby mama, or whatever the hell they call it now.
You are your own people. You both have needs, wants, desires.
So, we’re here to find them. That’s my point. ”
I give her a small smile, mentally thanking God she didn’t pick now to say something offensive.
“Wait! I have an idea,” Nora exclaims, practically leaping from her seat. “We should make a vacation bucket list!” Her eyes light up while she looks between Ana and me.
A bucket list?
My eyebrows knit together, head tilting. “What would we even put on it? Don’t drown in the harbor?”
“Exactly what Ana said! A list of things we need, like gaining confidence in ourselves. Our wants, like accepting the things we can’t control. And then, of course,”—she pauses to shimmy her shoulders—“desires.”
Ana sticks her hand out quickly. “Before you let that go to your head, I didn’t mean it sexually.”
I chuckle. “No, of course not,” I say, wrinkling my nose. “You mean desires as in what makes us… us . I think that’s a great idea, Nora.” I pause, glancing between Ana and Nora. “But wait… how do we even start something like that? What if we don’t know what it is we want?”
Nora shrugs. “Well, a month is plenty of time to figure it out. That’s what this whole time is for anyway.”
Ana’s feet leave the coffee table and drop back onto the ground. “It’s about creating space to want things. Right now, the three of us are just… existing. Taking what the world hands us and just saying ‘Oh, alright.’ We just take it.”
I nod. “I like this plan.”
Except where the hell do I even start on something like that? I’m supposed to find my confidence, my peace, and figure out what exactly my desires are—all in a matter of a month ? Some people go their whole lives without figuring that out, but I have to pull it out of thin air.
Baby steps, Allie. It’s all about the journey to the end goals. We’ll get there… right?