21. Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-One
Allie
“You want me to… what?”
The bartender looks at me like I have ten heads, his eyebrows slowly pulling together.
I glance over my shoulder to make sure Ana and Nora aren’t within earshot, then lean in closer.
“Can you give me shots of water instead of vodka for the rest of the night?” I repeat, this time through gritted teeth and a forced, wide smile.
The poor guy still looks just as confused the second time I say it.
Is it really that weird to want to pretend you’re drunk so you can slip away without drawing any unwanted attention? If the girls saw me not drinking, and I tried to suggest Jax driving me home, that would definitely raise more than a few alarms.
So instead, I need to act like I’m too drunk to drive, just so Jax can sneak me upstairs like we’ve been doing for the last week.
Does this count as lying? Absolutely.
But I’d be lying if I said sneaking around didn’t feel exciting.
“I… guess so?” the bartender finally says, narrowing his eyes at me skeptically.
To be fair, I did have two shots of tequila after walking in, so… yeah. I get the confusion.
A sudden poke to my side startles me, sending a jolt of electricity zinging down my spine.
I quickly turn, and warmth floods my chest while a smile tugs at my lips.
Jax is standing directly in front of me, wearing that now-familiar smug look he wears when he’s literally trying to push my buttons.
“Fancy seeing you here,” he says jokingly, eyebrow quirking.
It takes everything in me not to throw my arms around his neck and kiss those soft lips right here, right now.
Just one more hour. I can hold out for one more hour.
“Long time no see,” I fire back. Although, it’s not really a joke since two days already feels like forever without him there to hold me at night.
It’s been nice—feeling someone else’s body heat at night, and not just from their turned back.
Trevor wasn’t ever a cuddler. To the point when things between us started to fall apart, I didn’t ever really feel the absence of something I never had.
But Jax? He’s the definition of a cuddler. Every time we’re together, he wraps his entire body around mine like he’s trying to fuse us into one person.
And sure, the sex is fantastic, but it’s the part after . The “being held like he’ll never let go” part.
That’s quickly becoming my favorite.
“There you are!” Ana’s voice cuts through, rushing toward me, eyes flitting between Jax and me.
My heart jumps straight into my throat like we’ve somehow been caught. As if him simply being near me is some kind of dead giveaway.
She walks over and slides into the stool beside me.
“Your dress looks cute,” she says, then nudges my arm a few times. “Looks like someone’s finally leaving their turtle shell at home. I didn’t even have to fight you this time,” she adds with a subtle wink.
Before I can say anything, she leans over the bar to flag the bartender down. He walks over, his eyes darting between the two of us before Ana leans in closer.
“How many shots did she have tonight?” she asks, gesturing toward me with her thumb.
Oh, fuck.
“I’m not exactly sure,” he says with a shrug.?“Wanna say she’s had maybe four.”
I could kiss this man.
He shoots me a tight-lipped smile, then backs away slowly like he committed some crime.
Ana spins around and drives a finger square into my shoulder.
“Ow! What the he—”
“No more,” she snaps, eyes narrowing. “We are not dragging your ass out of here again tonight.”
I rub my shoulder, the sting still radiating from her practically stabbing me with her acrylics. “Okay… No more.”
When she turns and walks away, I catch Jax glancing at me from the corner of his eye, a few stools over. The corners of his mouth twitch upward, and I can see him physically fighting back a laugh.
I walk over and playfully swat his arm. “Shut up,” I mutter through a chuckle.
“I didn’t say a thing,” he says with a shrug, then he takes a slow pull from his beer.
The night drags on with every minute stretching, with the way Jax keeps his eyes trained on me even from across the room. There’s a heat in his eyes that makes my breath catch in my throat.
That’s a close second favorite about all of this. How truly beautiful he makes me feel, and how he makes sure that I feel seen. Always makes sure I am taken care of before he is.
Which makes me all that much more excited to drag him upstairs with me.
In the last hour, I’ve gone back to the bar for three more “shots” and have stumbled into Ana more times than I can count. Each time I made sure to add an overly dramatic giggle that she and Nora buy without question.
Now it’s time for the real show.
I lean into Ana, resting my head on her shoulder, and start swaying us back and forth.
“I lovve youuu,” I slur, dragging the words out as best I can.
She pats the side of my head. “I love you too, Allie. Let me guess—you had more, even after I said no more ?”
“N-no,” I protest, blinking up at her with wide, innocent eyes.
“Yesss, she did,” Nora cuts in, her words slurring so much more than I could ever fake. “I ssaw her at the barrr.”
“Ah ha, you liar.” Ana laughs. “Alright, where’s Jax? I’m not in the mood for babysitting tonight. It’s his turn.”
“Nooo,” I drawl. “I won’t any no morre, I sswear.”
Ana turns to face me, planting both hands firmly on my shoulders. “Allie. I love you. But you’re drunk as hell, and I’m not ready to leave yet.”
“Are you madd at mee?” I ask, trying to use my best drunk puppy-dog eyes.
She smirks, rolling hers. “Not at all. But if I wake up and see Jax leaving the house again like the first time he drove you home, then he better bring donuts,” she adds, winking.
“Heyy, that’s not—”
“Jax!” Ana calls, cupping her hands around her mouth to carry the sound.
He stops mid-conversation with James, glancing up the second he hears his name.
She waves him over, and he excuses himself quickly, then makes his way over to us.
My stomach dips watching him come closer, like everything is moving in slow motion. Maybe that bartender actually was giving me alcohol…
“What’s up?” he asks, eyes lingering on mine for just a beat before shifting to Ana.
“You feel like babysitting?” she asks, throwing an arm around my shoulder.
“Babysitting?” he echoes with a raised brow.
“Yep. This one here decided it’d be cute to have a few more shots while I wasn’t looking.” She squeezes my shoulder. “ Would you mind taking her home?”
He nods. “Sure thing.”
She pats my shoulder twice before running off toward James, sliding onto the stool beside him as she bursts out laughing.
At least I’m not ruining anyone’s night.
Nora’s with Gareth, and Ana’s with James. It’s basically worked out for everyone. Except for Casey being alone in their hotel. But Jax said Casey’s pretty much the loner type, so…
I guess, in the end, it works out for him too.
Breathless. Naked. Sprawled out on a king-size bed with a gorgeous man lying beside me.
This isn’t exactly how I pictured this vacation going when we first planned it, but you know what? I wouldn’t have it any other way.
It feels like all my dreams are coming true, and I’m terrified to wake up and have it all be gone. To have this vacation end, and the only things I’m left with are the memories of actually feeling wanted by someone, and wanting them just as much.
It’s nothing but terrifying.
My eyes land on the chair across the room with our clothes lazily draped across it. The moonlight spilling in through the window behind us serves as the only light in the room.
Jax snakes his arm around my waist, pulling me from my thoughts, our bodies barely covered by a thin sheet. He kisses the top of my head, his fingers softly brushing against my cheek as my eyes flutter closed.
This is a perfect example of why this is my favorite part.
He never forgets to take care of me before, during, and after we have sex. His hands are constantly on me like he can’t get enough, and it absolutely drives me wild.
His fingers travel down my back, not stopping until they rest gently against my bare thigh.
“What’s your wildest dream?” he asks quietly, his voice cutting through the silence around us.
What is my wildest dream? I don’t think I’ve ever really sat and thought about it. I never bothered dreaming because I thought what I had was the dream.
That was until it became my worst nightmare.
“Honestly?” I look up at him, repositioning my head against his shoulder. “Just to have a big family with no real stress. Nothing too big.”
“Woah, slow down there killer,” he chuckles before placing another soft kiss to my shoulder.
The room falls back into silence; the only sound I can hear is the steady rhythm of his heartbeat and the soft hum of the air conditioner across the room.
Dreams .
I’ve always been the type to see the glass as half-full, to stay optimistic no matter what situation life threw my way. I did the best with what I had, and that was just always enough.
But Jax dreamed so big he shot for the stars. He’s so close to actually living it, with playing music in front of thousands and releasing his first real album in just a few short months.
I can’t even imagine the stress that comes with that.
Then, I remember something Gareth mentioned when we all first met. About how they were supposed to be in the studio this past January, but personal issues put a pause on everything.
The way he looked at Jax…
I’ll never know unless I ask, but something holds me back. It’s not like we’re together, or that he owes me any explanation about his personal life.
But still, the thought lingers like smoke, billowing through every crevice while it swallows every thought into that one question.
You’ll never know if you don’t ask .
“Jax?” My voice breaks through the stillness.
“Mm-hmm?”
“What… what was the personal issue Gareth mentioned the day we were all at the house? When he said that you guys were supposed to record earlier in the year.”
I feel him stiffen behind me and immediately regret asking.
I know I had no right to ask something like that for what we’re doing.
I shouldn’t even be caring about that since this is temporary, but here I am, being a huge hypocrite for calling Nora out on being overbearing with her personal questions.
“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to,” I reassure him. “I’ve just been curious is all.”
He rubs his hand gently along my leg. “No, it’s okay.” His tone is calm, understanding, but my heart still gradually sinks until it lands somewhere in my stomach.
He doesn’t say anything for a while, but then, I finally feel him start to relax.
“We were supposed to be in the studio in January, but… my mum”—he pauses, taking a deep breath and blowing it out slowly—“she passed,” he admits quietly.
My heart shatters into a million pieces. I can’t even begin to imagine the loss he went through. The way his voice wavers, it sounds like he’s still carrying it with him every day.
I don’t even want to think about what it’ll feel like when my own mother passes—but I know I’ll never be ready for it. I don’t think anyone really ever is.
Turning around in the bed to face him, I run my fingers lightly down his chest, like I’m somehow trying to soothe his heart from the outside.
“Tell me about her?” It comes out more like a question rather than a request.
“She was… incredible.” He laughs softly, but there’s still a sadness behind it.
“If it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t have even picked up music.
She bought me my first guitar, cleaned out our garage as best she could so we’d have a place to jam.
She was just incredible. One of those mums you’d brag about every chance you could. ”
“Sounds like she was lovely,” I say quietly.
He nods slowly. “She was hit by a drunk driver exactly five months after I finalized my divorce, and two weeks before we were supposed to hit the studio,” he says shakily.
I sit up in bed, and see his eyes quickly redden from holding everything back. Focusing all my attention on him, I sit in silence, letting him know this is his time—his safe space to let everything out.
I place my hand over his, running my thumb gently along his knuckles.
Then, his eyes finally meet mine, shimmering with unshed tears and it’s like my world is flipped upside down. Watching him become so vulnerable? It throws a shard of glass straight into my stomach.
“She owned a florist’s shop called Maggie’s Garden,” he continues, his voice steady but distant. “She spent every waking moment either in the yard with her rose bushes or in the shop tending to bouquet orders.”
He shakes his head, swiping his free thumb below his eye quickly. As if he doesn’t want to fall apart right now, but I know he needs to.
“That must have been so hard on you,” I murmur.
He nods. “What really threw a spanner in the works was when a For Sale sign was posted in the window nearly two weeks later. The day we were supposed to leave.” He looks up, and he shakes his head slowly. “I just… couldn’t leave after something like that, you know?”
My eyes widen, and a lump forms in my throat. I swallow through it, pushing the empathy I feel for him aside, and I try to focus on him. On giving him what he needs right now.
I lean forward, gently slipping my hand behind his neck to pull him toward me. Cradling his head against my chest, he grips the sheets tightly and just lets me hold him.
“You’re allowed to fall apart, Jax,” I murmur softly. “You don’t have to be the big, strong guy with me. If you need to let it out, I have you.” I tighten my arms around his head, placing a soft kiss above his ear. “ I have you .”
Then, his shoulders shake slightly while he wraps his arms tightly around my waist. A shuddered breath leaves his lips, and my eyes start to sting with my own tears trying to slip free.
I rock him back and forth, something my mother did for me growing up when I was upset, and something I do now for my own babies.
And I just hold him like that. I allow him the time to fall apart.
That’s all people need sometimes. To feel okay enough to fall apart with someone you trust. To not feel judged for having so many emotions you don’t know what to do with them.
For him to go through a divorce, losing his mother a few months later, and then losing the thing she loved so much, his last reminder of her, the day his dreams were supposed to come true?
I don’t know how he’s managed to last this long without crumbling.