23. Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Three
Jax
I don’t think I’ve ever been to an amusement park.
Ever .
Back in Cardiff, we have a single water park, a few indoor trampoline places, and maybe a couple of indoor rock-climbing walls.
But roller coasters? That’s a hard no.
And yet, here we are—driving two and a half hours to meet the girls at an amusement park that apparently has a four-hundred-foot-tall roller coaster. Because nothing screams fun like staring death in the face from four hundred feet in the air.
James and Ana were going off about it last night when we were all hanging out, saying they’re going to ride that first before anything else.
Allie, on the other hand, didn’t seem too thrilled, but maybe she’ll surprise me. She’s been full of them since the day I met her.
Finding out she was a mum, well, that was a shock in itself.
What really got me, though, was the way she let me fall apart in her arms just a few nights ago. That definitely wasn’t my proudest moment, but I haven’t let myself forget it.
When she said she had me , I knew she wasn’t just saying it for the sake of being nice. She meant it with every fiber of her being.
She had me that night.
And she still does. More than I think she even realizes.
“Holy shit.” Gareth groans from the passenger seat with his feet kicked up on the dash. “Are we there yet?”
I have half a mind to slam on the brakes just to see him freak out for five seconds. It almost sounds worth it, but I know he’d just slug me in the arm regardless of me being the one driving.
“Almost, princess,” I say, chuckling and glancing at him out of the corner of my eye.
He raises his hand, real slow, and flips me off. Middle finger high in the air. “How’s that for a princess?” he scoffs.
“Almost good enough to get crowned,” I shoot back. “Keep practicing your royal wave.”
James barks out a laugh from the backseat, loud enough to ring in my ears—right before I feel a sharp slap to my arm. My hand slips from the wheel for half a second, and I shoot Gareth a glare before my eyes return to the road.
“Princesses don’t hit, Gareth,” James teases, still wheezing like a hyena.
I let out a loud laugh and Gareth twists in his seat, knees on the seat before he gives James a dead leg.
“Ouch, dude. What the fuck!”
“Oh, come on,” Casey says with a sneer. “You knew that was coming.”
Right . Casey.
I’d almost forgotten he was even here. The only time he’s come out with us was to the aquarium, and I think this might be the first full sentence he’s spoken the entire trip.
To think all it took was mentioning the water park to get Casey on his feet faster than I’ve ever seen him move.
And I lost five bucks to James because of it.
“Holy shit,” Casey breathes out as we pull closer.
“That’s it!” James shouts, bouncing in the backseat. “That thing’s fucking huge.”
“That’s what she said,” Gareth mutters, returning his feet to the dash.
I lean forward, arms draped over the steering wheel, and squint through the windshield to get a better look.
That’s four hundred feet? It looks like a plane could clip the top of it, given how high it is. Nearly dipping straight into the clouds.
I can imagine what kind of rush that gives someone though. The adrenaline rush on the way down, shaking through every muscle. Suddenly, it doesn’t seem so bad.
We drive the last few minutes with the roller coaster looming in the distance, getting bigger every second.
By the time I swing into a spot, the guys are already unbuckling— before I’ve even put it in park.
James’s nose is in his phone until he looks up and points toward the entrance. “They beat us here!” he says with a chuckle. “They’re by the gate.”
“We would’ve beat them if Jax here didn’t drive like a bloody granny,” Gareth mutters.
I shrug. “Well, if we didn’t have—”
“Make another princess joke,” he challenges, folding his arms across his chest. “I dare you.”
I throw my hands up in surrender.
“That’s what I thought,” he says, cocking an eyebrow before turning and walking off.
“After you… princess,” I mutter, trying to fight off a laugh.
He turns around quickly, the corner of his mouth twitching before he breaks into a sprint toward me.
I bolt past him, feet slapping against the asphalt as the entrance gets closer.
Then, I see her, and my steps slow until I come to a complete stop.
She’s standing beneath the awning, her back resting against the brick archway. Her red hair whips against the wind, strands hitting across her face while she simply brushes them aside.
Her eyes meet mine, and for a moment, time just… stops.
No noise. No movement.
It’s just us.
Her mouth curves into a wide smile as she kicks off the wall, waving eagerly as she starts walking toward us.
Then— whack —a sharp slap lands on the back of my neck, snapping me out of it.
“How’s that, princess ?” Gareth says through a chuckle, blowing past me.
He passes Allie with a quick wave and heads straight for Nora, scooping her up and spinning her around while her laughter echoes through the lot.
Jealousy floods my chest at how badly I want to be the one making Allie laugh like that. At how much it’s killing me to pretend seeing her isn’t the best part of being here.
I didn’t come for the roller coasters or the overpriced fried food.
I came for her .
And not being able to pick her up like that, to spin her around and press my lips against hers? It sucks. Horribly .
Everything we’ve been doing made sense at first… but then something changed. We were supposed to be just having fun, but it feels like a lot more than just that now.
If it were just sex, this would be easier—simple even.
But bed buddies don’t stay for hours, talking about life. They don’t cry in each other’s arms over things neither of us knows how to fix. And they definitely don’t stick around until the sun starts creeping through the windows, so we’re forced to rush back to our separate lives.
When deep down, this could be our life. It would be hard as hell, but I can’t help but want this to be our life.
But what would that even look like?
She’d go home to be the incredible mum she is to her girls, and I’d be flying back and forth between America and Cardiff?
That’s not fair for her or the two little girls who wouldn’t understand something that complex.
My feet finally start moving, like my body’s telling my mind to shut the hell up so we can just meet her halfway already.
She’s still wearing the same smile, but now it doesn’t quite reach her eyes.
The sounds of our footsteps grow louder as we get closer until she’s standing directly in front of me.
And I can’t even hug her right now. I can’t do half the things I want to do to her. All because this is supposed to be a secret .
My feelings for her are supposed to stay hidden—locked away so no one can know or see. Not even really her. She has no idea how much I think about her and how much I want more than this.
And I just can’t bring myself to be another reason for her to stress.
“Are you okay?” she asks quietly, lightly nudging my arm.
I give her a small smile and nod once. “Yeah,” I reply softly.
Then I lean in, close to her ear, careful to make sure no one’s watching. “I just missed you,” I murmur.
She glances over her shoulder, then slowly turns back to me. She plants a quick kiss to my cheek. “I missed you too,” she whispers.
The sound of rushing footsteps approaching forces me to take a step back. Thankfully I did because Nora appears, looping her arm through Allie’s before she pulls her away from me, giggling about something she saw.
And I just stand there, watching her get pulled farther and farther away.
“You good?” Casey asks from behind me.
I turn around and watch him adjust the strap of his rucksack over his shoulder.
I nod and try my best to force some sort of a smile. Some sort of indication I want to be here, because right now I know it looks like I don’t want to be.
“Yeah,” I breathe out.
I nod toward where everyone’s heading and drag my feet in that direction.
The nights I spend with Allie have easily become my favorite.
But the moment she leaves, it’s like something inside me sinks and is being pulled down by an invisible anchor.
I wouldn’t call it depression or anything that heavy, just a lingering sadness that settles in when she’s not around.
And every single day that passes, it hasn’t gotten any easier.
If anyone asked me what my number one flaw is, I’d probably say it’s the fact that I never speak up about what I want, or what I need, for that matter. I’ve always just sat back and let whatever happens, happen.
Music is a great example of this. We wouldn’t even be here right now if it weren’t for James being so persistent in using social media, signing us up for email lists, or overall pushing us forward.
We owe everything to him. Because without him, we’d probably still be cramped in my mum’s garage, waiting for the dream to die either from being too broke to keep going, or from growing tired of each other.
Love? Well, I can’t say much on that subject since all I have to go on is Emelia, who ended up being my biggest regret. So this especially comes into play with everything I have with Allie. Do I really want to try going through that again?
But something in me says I don’t just want to try again—I need to.
“Come on, Jax!” James calls, waving at me from a few feet ahead.
He spins around, pointing to the four-hundred-foot metal death trap.
I’m going to die today, aren’t I?
I jog to catch up, tossing a wave over my shoulder to get Casey moving too.
Ana and Nora are ahead, tugging on Allie’s arm while they pull her into the queue. On the outside, she’s laughing, but even from ten feet away, I can see that look in her eyes.
Fear. Pure and utter fear.
I walk a little faster.
“No, seriously. You guys go ahead,” Allie says, trying to wave them off, but they’re just not having it.
“What are you going to do, Allie? Sit on the bench by yourself?” Nora asks, tilting her head.