Chapter 11 #2
As unfair as it might be to him, it’d be even worse if I were to say one thing and then end up taking it back later. I’d rather know for certain before taking that kind of leap. With anything, really, not just him. But because it’s him…it’s almost more important to be sure.
Keene lets out a long sigh, breaking me from my thoughts, and starts shifting his weight back on the bed until he’s leaning against the wall and his feet are dangling off the edge near my knees.
Which would be fine if the movement didn’t make me realize…he’s still in his damn compression shorts, and only the compression shorts.
Damn.
Clearing my throat, I glance away from him, but that only makes him burst out into laughter.
“For fuck’s sake, Pen. You act like you haven’t seen me half-naked before. Or completely, seeing as we used to take baths together as kids.”
I feel my cheeks heat, and I snap, “Yeah, well, baths as toddlers when we don’t know about dicks and sex is completely different than making out and dry-humping each other to the point of climax.”
The feeling of embarrassment immediately increases the second I realize the shit that just spewed from my mouth, and I clamp my lips closed on instinct.
Shit, shit, shit.
Keene just continues to stare at me, lips parted slightly in something like shock. After knowing him for years, I can tell he’s doing his best to read between the lines. Seeing what I’m not saying. I’m kind of terrified of what he might find…because I don’t even know what’s hiding there myself.
Eventually, he clears his throat, eyes darting around his room before they settle on his hands. “Can you just tell me what you’re thinking? Because I can’t figure it out anymore.”
Those words aren’t anything close to what I thought he was about to say. And honestly, what kind of question is that? How am I supposed to answer it?
I’ve never come harder in my goddamn life than I did the other night, and that scares the crap out of me because he’s not only a guy, but he’s Keene. My best friend in the entire world made me come in my fucking pants.
And I can’t stop thinking about doing it again. Another huge problem.
I have no interest in messing around with any attraction toward men.
Honestly, I’ve never really experienced it past seeing a dude and thinking, “yeah, he’s good-looking,” or something like that.
A regular acknowledgment of male beauty, not some sexual desire to get them naked and lick their entire body.
I don’t even know if that’s what I’m feeling now with Keene.
I just know kissing him and touching him makes me feel things.
Unexpected things, like stupidly turned on.
But Keene isn’t good at the hook-up culture, and even if I like doing sex stuff with him, it wouldn’t change the whole I don’t do relationships bit.
I sigh, resting my face in my palms. “I don’t want to want you. Not like that.”
“And you think I do?”
Lifting my head to meet his gaze, I’m surprised to find a pained, worried look on his face.
“You think it hasn’t been fucking torture to keep this shit to myself? From you for this long? I’ve been living in hell ever since that kiss, and it’s only gotten worse over the past few weeks. So do you really think it’s been easy to want you, but know I can’t have you?”
No. If what I’ve been feeling—the confusion and overwhelming lust every time I look at him—is any indication of what he’s been going through, I don’t think it’s been easy at all.
He shakes his head, sitting up and combing his fingers through his hair before continuing. “Look. I’ve been wishing I could just get over whatever happened that night for a long time, Pen. But I can’t. I’ve tried.”
My head hangs. “I just wish you would’ve told me. So you didn’t have to go through it alone.”
He shrugs off-handedly. “I mean, I didn’t even know at the time if it was something I needed to go through, you know? Like I said, I tried to ignore it, get over it, whatever. But I can’t, and it’s made me realize this is something I just have to figure out for myself. I can’t not know.”
“Then you should.” I pause, my stomach rolling with worry. “But Kee, you have to be able to trust the person you’re gonna be exploring this with. I…” A knot works its way into my throat, and I swallow it down. “I don’t want someone to just take advantage of you. Something like this is a big deal.”
“Coming from the king of no-strings hookups.”
I smirk, because yeah, the irony isn’t lost on me.
“Well, the only person I would trust is you.” He lets out an awkward laugh.
“But I can’t ask you to be the guinea pig in this either.
Sending me a dick pic is one thing. I can even rationalize what happened on the couch as us getting carried away with something that felt good in the moment, even if it wasn’t smart for us to get caught up in. But sex is something else entirely.”
My brows furrow, and while I understand what he’s saying, I find myself disagreeing. Because I am the king of no-strings hookups, and the fact of the matter is, I don’t think I’d mind Keene figuring this out with me.
I don’t want him doing it with someone else.
We could have each other in the ways our bodies are clearly craving. As long as we made some guidelines and were open with each other, there’s no reason for us not to.
The only thing stopping us is…me not offering it up.
“But you can.”
His forehead creases. “I can what?”
“Ask me.” When a look of doubt crosses his face, I roll the chair closer to him until my knees brush against the mattress. “I’m serious, Kee. You know I’d do anything for you, and if this is what you need, then sign me up.”
“No fucking way.”
You stubborn shit.
“Well, I’m not gonna take the chance on you finding some asshole on Toppr who doesn’t care about you at all and only ends up making it bad for you because he’s a dickhead.”
The point I’m making is completely valid, but from the way his features flicker with a mixture of apprehension and uncertainty, he’s not feeling the same way.
As much as I don’t like being the catalyst to this whole sexual discovery in the first place—only for him to keep it from me for as long as he has—I want to help him with this. Any way I can. So if I was the reason it started, I’m gonna make damn sure I’m the way he figures it out too.
It takes balls to put yourself on the line for another person. He’s probably the only person in the world I’d be willing to do something like this for, just like I know he’d do the same for me.
Maybe that’s why I find myself uttering the question that keeps getting us into this mess.
“Don’t you dare?”
His eyes heat dangerously. “Pen.”
I shake my head. “Yes or no, that’s all I need.”
His jaw ticks, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look more pained in my life.
Torn between what he thinks is right and what I can tell he really wants.
And make no mistake, he wants this. He’s just too afraid to take it.
I’m almost positive he’s gonna say no when his eyes sink closed and his head slumps back against the wall.
Until he nods. The slightest movement, but it’s there nonetheless.
And fuck if I’m gonna let him start overthinking and take it back, so I blurt the dare out before he has the chance.
“I dare you to suck my dick.”