Chapter 26 #2
My head sinks into my hands, and I thread my fingers through my hair.
On some level, I know she’s right. I just let my possessiveness and protective nature when it comes to Keene overshadow the flaws in this idea.
I see them now, though. Clear as day.
I added sex, the one thing I’ve always tried to keep emotionless, to a relationship with someone who has the keys to unlock every single feeling I keep hidden. Of course it’s gonna be impossible to keep it as casual as I would with anyone else.
I’m such a fucking idiot.
“You’re thinking awfully loud over there,” she muses. When I lift my head, I find her using the paper from the cigarette she shredded to make a pile of its guts.
“I think I fucked up.”
She smiles, still focused on what she’s doing. “Not yet, you haven’t.”
“How haven’t I? I went and I took him to bed with the pretense of keeping this casual with no-strings, and you literally just told me it’s going to implode on us in a spectacular blaze of glory.”
The snort she lets out is anything but ladylike. “All right, cool it there, drama queen. You must’ve missed the part where I also said you two could be the greatest thing to ever happen to each other.”
We already are! I want to scream. And I can’t lose that, or him.
“Or end up cooking his heart like a fucking steak,” I mutter. “Which sounds pretty terrible to me.”
“You’re right. But the thing is, you have the choice. The decision is in your hands about where the two of you end up.”
“Just my hands?” Surely he has just as much of a say in this as I do.
She nods. “You’re the one who doesn’t let people in or allow them to get close.
If you decide to pull that shit on him, there’s no way it’ll last.” Finally, she looks over at me.
“You told me Keene is like a golden retriever, and I can see it. He just loves and loves and loves. Never has met a person he didn’t like.
And he’s also the kind of person who needs that kind of love in return. ”
Her usage of the word love causes my stomach to roll uneasily. No, actually, it feels like it’s currently in the middle of the ocean during a goddamn typhoon. Rocking back and forth, no hope of escaping without taking some serious damage.
Swallowing roughly, I give life to the words I didn’t even know were the truth until this very moment.
“I don’t know how to give him that. Or how to be what he deserves.”
Her brows raise. “And you want to be?”
I open my mouth, but words evade me completely. Just slip right from my grasp at a time when I need them most. But whatever it is I’m not saying, Bristol must get it, because she gives me a slow, solemn nod.
“Don’t mess with his emotions, Aspen. Don’t screw up what you two have.
” Her gaze is soft, yet I feel the firmness in her words.
“Your friendship is something special. One I’d kill to have.
So if you’re gonna attempt this with him?
Something real and true and more than just a few quick fucks while he explores his sexuality? You have to be all in.”
My throat constricts tightly, but it’s not nearly as painful as the vice currently wrapped around my heart.
“I don’t know what I want…other than to keep him safe. From the world, and from me. I don’t want to ruin him or hurt him or—”
Her hand lands on my forearm, giving it a gentle squeeze. “I know. You don’t have to explain it to me.”
Knowing I don’t does ease some of the burden on my shoulders. I think part of the reason Bristol and I always worked in this friends-with-benefits style arrangement is because she and I are a lot alike. At least when it comes to something like being vulnerable with other people.
Which I think, funnily enough, is the reason I’ve been able to confide in her about this as easily as I have.
I stub my cigarette out on the ground beside me, hoping to tread lightly with my next question.
“How…do I even go about trying to give him more? If that’s what route I wanted to take? Like, I’ve never even had a girlfriend…or a boyfriend, for that matter. Not a real one who knew me the way—”
“He does?” she finishes.
I take a deep breath and nod.
“You’re overthinking this, Kohl. Just let him in. Show him you care. Don’t start erecting walls where there’s never been any before, and do your best to not freeze him out.”
I blink at her, dumbfounded. She makes it all sound so fucking…simple. “Is that all?”
“It is, young grasshopper.”
Great. So, basically, she’s telling me to change my entire human nature if I decide to try to make things with Keene into something serious.
Defeated doesn’t even begin to describe how I’m feeling.
“This’ll be impossible.” I give her a look of dismay. “How am I supposed to be able to keep any of that from happening with him? He might know me better than most people, but I also know me. There’ll be a point where it’s too much and I’ll do something I’m not supposed to.”
“Not if you try not to.”
“Easier said than done, Brist. My heart might as well be stuck inside the fucking ice castle from Frozen.”
She glances at me, a devious smirk on her face, and said heart sinks.
“What?” I ask cautiously.
Her grin only widens at my wariness. “Well, in the words of the great Olaf? Some people are worth melting for.”