Chapter 33 #2
“I’m not asking you to be my protector or my savior or anything of the sort. I’m just asking you to be my best friend, the way you always have been.” My throat constricts, the vice on my heart tightening. “I’m just asking you to lo—”
“I can’t,” he growls, cutting me off before I can utter the word again, just four letters long.
I swallow the shards of glass lodged in my throat. “Can’t or won’t?”
His eyes are hard as they lock on mine, the tick in his jaw firmly set. But I see cracks slowly fissuring along the surface of his facade, growing deeper with each passing second. “Can’t. I can’t give you what you want.”
My head and my heart battle for control, creating an all-out war within me. Swords clash against armor, slicing off piece after piece until bloodshed is inevitable, leaving me bleeding internally without a hope of surviving.
It should be easy, choosing myself. To save myself the heartache.
But I’ve never been able to choose anyone over him.
I step toward him slowly, like approaching a trapped animal. “You already have, Pen.”
He shakes his head, and I watch him swallow harshly before he steps away from me. The distance between us might as well be the Grand Canyon, only growing deeper and wider.
His voice is raw as he whispers, “I can’t do this.”
That one stupid word infuriates me when it leaves his lips for what might be the millionth time since I found him. Can’t. It sends wave after chilling wave of rage rolling over me, crashing and breaking and dragging me under their icy depths.
And I drown in it until I snap.
“So you can fuck me, but you can’t date me? Is that what it means when you say you can’t?” I snarl, poison coursing through my veins. “You’re willing to take everything I have to offer you, but heaven forbid you give me a damn thing in return, right?”
His gaze softens, but only fractionally. Probably because fighting back like this isn’t really my thing. And when it happens, it’s never toward him. “I have nothing to give you.”
My nostrils flare at yet another cop-out, bullshit response, and I shove the last word he spoke to the back of my mind. “You have everything to give me. You’re my best friend, for fuck’s sake! God, Pen, you’re supposed to know me better than anyone, yet somehow you’re too blind to see I’m—”
“Stop,” he cuts me off, his head shaking again. “Please, stop.”
In love with you, I finish internally.
It physically pains me to keep this from him. I want to shout it from the rooftops, let the whole world know how crazy I am for him. That he’s the only person I fucking see.
Because I am in love with him. Maybe even before this all started with that dare of a first kiss back in high school.
It’s always been Aspen.
“Give me one good reason,” I grit, stepping into his space again, and this time, I don’t stop.
My hands come to rest on either side of his shoulders, pinning him against the driver’s side door.
His attention flicks between my eyes, his fingers gripping the pack of smokes in his pocket.
As soon as they’re pulled free, I yank them from his grasp.
They’re crushed in my fist moments later, completely worthless to him.
Just like my fucking heart.
“Because,” he hisses, cobalt eyes colder than I’ve ever seen them, “you’re about to cross a line we’ll never be able to come back from.”
I can’t help it. I bark out a laugh, removing my hands from near his body in fear I might strangle him for his completely idiotic statement. “You’re kidding, right? Crossing lines? Don’t you think it’s a little too late for that?”
“Kee—”
“No, Pen. Shut up and listen to how stupid you sound. Lines haven’t just been crossed.
They’ve been blurred for a while now, and I think you know it.
” I pause for a brief moment, shaking my head.
“And let’s not forget the way they were fucking obliterated the moment your dick slid inside me the very first time.
Because best friends don’t screw each other. ”
He doesn’t say anything. Doesn’t rebuttal or make excuses, let alone own up to the truth in my statement. And his lack of response telling me everything I needed to hear. So much so, I can’t help the rage boiling inside me. The pure, unfiltered fury taking control of my body as I stare at him.
My best friend.
My other half, if only he’d just try.
“You’re such a fucking coward, Aspen.” I scoff to ease the ache in my chest. “Apparently, that’s never gonna change.”
It only gets worse when he nods, agreeing with me rather than pushing back the way he wants. I can handle some conflict. At least if he’d fight me, I’d know all hope isn’t lost for good. That he hasn’t completely given up.
The last thing I want is his indifference.
“You’ve always been the brave one. Always willing to jump without fear. But that’s not me, Kee. I can’t give you that because I’m not capable of it. Of anything you’re asking for.”
Every word slices through me with an aim for my heart. It cuts and cuts and cuts some more until there’s nothing but a shredded, bloody hunk of meat left in my chest.
The worst part is, I don’t even hate him for it. I hate myself for letting it happen.
Tears prick at my eyes, and I blink them away before they dare to spill over.
“You might think that, but you’re wrong.
You’ve shown me. When we were on the coast, with every single thing you planned out for us.
Or when you skipped class with me. Or every time you drive me to practice or watch one of my games or take a bath with me after a rough day or let me pick the music in the car.
Each one of those acts is proof that you’re more than capable of giving me every fucking thing I could want or need. ”
Another shake of his head is all I get for a long time while I watch him weigh and measure his words. His jaw is set and tense, but it’s still just a front. The slight waver in his eyes gives him away. The anxiety and fear tearing him apart from the inside, slowly creeping toward the surface.
And more cracks form.
“If anything, just add it to the list of things I regret when it comes to what happened between us. For making you think this could be more. Not following the rule I set out to begin with. All it’s done is hurt you.
I keep hurting you, Kee. At every fucking turn.
I see it when you look at me, and half the time, I don’t even know what I do wrong.
But no matter how much hurting you hurts me too, I can’t just stand here and lie to you by saying I wouldn’t take it all back if I could. ”
And there it is.
The one obstacle I doubt we can get over.
It hits me like a punch to the chest, right where my heart is, before the fist wraps around it and squeezes. Crushes the organ in its grip. The weight of his words land hard enough that I’m forced to take a step away from him, but I know the second I do, my heart will be torn out in the process.
But I keep moving back, trying to distance myself from the object of my affection…and inevitable destruction.
Blood pours from the wound he’s created, and I can’t help the strangled noise that comes from my throat as I try to keep myself together. Patch the hole before I bleed out at his feet.
“And here I thought you said you’d rather die than hurt me,” I rasp at little more than a whisper. “But here you are, doing just that by not even giving this a chance.”
His teeth roll over his bottom lip, and I watch as each of those tiny little cracks in his armor spiderweb out like a broken mirror.
He clears his throat a couple times and blinks back the slightest hint of emotion but does nothing to erase the gravel in his voice when he murmurs another rough, “I’m sorry. ”
He doesn’t even look at me as he yanks the door to the Impala open, ready to run away again. But the masochist in me won’t let him. Not yet. Not until he realizes what this will do to us. The permanent repercussions of him shutting down and freezing me out.
His arm is in my vice-like grip before he can slide into the driver’s seat. Squeezing hard enough to hurt, yet knowing it’s nothing compared to the woodchipper he just threw my heart into without a fucking care.
There’s still a palpable amount of sorrow in his eyes when he meets my gaze. It’s almost enough to pull him into my arms, take his pain as my own the way I have my whole life.
The way we’ve always done for each other…until now.
Let. Him. Go, the voice inside me demands. Save yourself while you still can.
It feels wrong, though. To draw this line in the sand between us, already knowing we’ll be on different sides. He’s so much as told me that’s the only outcome for us.
But I do it anyway, though it might kill me more than it could ever save me.
“You talk about crossing lines like those are the things that matter here. But if you walk away from me right now…” I start, my teeth grinding together as I force the words out, “...there’s no turning this around.
That’s the one line we’ve yet to cross, Pen.
So do it. Go, if that’s what you want.” I shake my head, my voice cut and shredded by shards of glass. “Just don’t bother coming back.”
Though it rips me apart to do it, I release my hold and step away from him. Giving him the space to decide.
To pick me…or his pride and fears and every other bullshit reason for us to not be together. To get through this as a team.
His Adam’s apple bobs, and I still see the emotion he’s choking back. The shimmering of tears, unshed and pooling in his eyes. But he still doesn’t let them go.
Or let me in.
Even when that’s all I want anymore. To see and know and love every damn piece of him. Including every fear and flaw and fucking insecurity.
But I never stood a chance against them. I see that now.
My tongue runs over my bottom lip, and I let out a grated laugh.
“I know you well enough to realize you’re going to rip this conversation apart in your mind one day soon. Overthink it, analyze it to shreds. But just remember, when that moment happens? You’re the one who chose to end this…and I was the one who wanted to fight.”
His eyes sink closed, head hanging momentarily as I watch him take a long, steady breath. The single tear that slides down his cheek is enough to fracture what remains of my heart, because all I want is to brush it away.
I think he’s about to say something when his lips part slightly, a small amount of hope surging forward.
Stupid fucking hope, because instead, he swallows again.
Schools his features. Gets in the car.
And then he drives away.