Chapter 11
11
‘A bit to the left,’ she shouted up the ladder. ‘Shazza, hold it tight, I can see it wobbling!’
Sharon groaned, gripping the tall, metal ladder tighter as Tyler stood at the top, a banner in his hands.
‘Under New Management’ was written across the white canvas in huge, golden font, matching the metal sign above it.
Fitzpatrick Arms – fine ales and home-cooked food
‘That’s it!’ She grinned, and Tyler tightened the rope.
‘You sure?’ he bellowed down to her. ‘Cos I’ve moved it twenty sodding times!’
‘Yes, yes!’ She laughed, standing back as her two friends came to join her. ‘Look at it,’ she beamed. The place was perfect. Colourful hanging baskets hung from evenly spaced hooks around the wooden trim, making the cream rendered walls look all the better and brighter. The banner finished off the look, with the gold and silver balloon arch around the door and the sandwich chalk board off to one side. ‘Opening day specials’ was written across the black surface, Tyler’s neat hand detailing the delicious-sounding dishes underneath. ‘Can you believe it?’
Sharon laughed, wrapping her arms around her shoulders. ‘I can, mate. You deserve this, after everything. You’ve worked hard.’ People were starting to walk up to the entrance and, as Sharon pulled away, she shot her a wink. ‘I’ll go see to them, get the drinks sorted.’
She was left outside with Tyler, taking in the people she’d known for years, and new faces, all talking and laughing as they headed into her new home.
‘Proud of you, mate.’ She turned, and bumped into him in more ways than one. ‘Oh! Sorry. Geez, you’d think I’d get used to being a wide load.’ Her pregnant belly had well and truly popped, and she cradled her bump out of habit. Tyler laughed, putting his hand on her tummy and pulling her in for a gentle hug.
‘You look beautiful. You always do to me,’ he breathed into her ear. ‘Amber?’
‘Yeah,’ she said, lost in his embrace, the tickle of his aftershave and scented words in her ear.
‘Amber,’ he said again. She could hear a banging noise in the distance. Bang bang bang, like rapid fire.
‘Yes, Tyler?’
Bang bang bang bang.
‘Are you going to open the fecking door, or do I have to break it down?’
‘Eh?’
Bang bang bang bang bang. Amber’s eyes opened, and her world was sideways. Her brain scrambled to gain some kind of purchase on what she was seeing. The pub had gone, Tyler. She was looking at her TV, which was frozen with an image of Hugh Grant on it. Sense and Sensibility, by the looks of his period garb. The banging noise came again, and she could hear Sharon.
‘I don’t think she’s in; could she have gone somewhere?’
She shot up and fell straight off the couch. Banging her shin on the coffee table corner as she scrabbled to get up, she cursed and ran to the window. OhmyGodmyhead. Throwing open the curtains, she looked out of the window. Tyler and Sharon were both standing there, ready for work. His dark eyes narrowed as he took her in, his shoulders coming up to meet his earlobes. Shit. What time is it? Tyler motioned for her to open the window. She pulled the sash window up, immediately regretting it when the sounds of traffic and the smell of the fresh Yorkshire air hit her. She had to try hard not to vomit out of the window.
‘I’m sorry, I must have slept in. Why didn’t you use your key?’
‘We tried. You deadbolted the doors, and your phone’s off.’ Tyler’s brows were knitted together tight. ‘Did you drink more after I left?’
There was no point lying. She was pretty sure she was still drunk. The rage was still there. She could feel it coursing through her veins with the alcohol.
‘Maybe.’ She winced. His pupils turned black, or maybe it was just her squinting eyes. ‘I’m coming down; give me a minute.’
Shutting the window, she went to the mirror above the fireplace. ‘Jesus,’ she groaned. ‘I look like an Alice Cooper tribute singer.’
Her hair was up at all angles, her beautifully arranged curls from the night before now matted and full of knots. She looked like she’d spent the night in a mosh pit. The pretty glow from the make-up was a distant memory now; she just looked gaunt. Pale and green, which was something of an achievement. She was still wearing her dress from the night before, the front now covered in cheese dust from the family-sized pack of Doritos she spotted on the floor. Right next to the empty bottle of champers.
Sharon’s face was a picture when she finally threw a robe on and went to answer the door.
‘Je-sus,’ she whistled. ‘You look as rough as a hedgehog’s arse.’
‘Cheers, yeah.’ She sagged against the door as the pair of them walked in, followed by Ben and Irene, the cleaning lady. ‘Oh shit, Irene. I haven’t cleaned up from last night.’ Irene waved her off, yellow duster in hand.
‘Don’t worry, you need a coffee or something. Leave me and Sharon to sort it. Your day off, remember? Happy birthday, duck. Sorry I missed the party.’ She thrust a gift bag at her and carried on chatting to Sharon as they headed through to the bar area. Ben was standing behind Tyler looking uncomfortable to be standing next to his boss, who was positively vibrating. Tyler was standing there, arms folded in his usual bullish way. His face was hard to look at without flinching.
‘What?’ she sighed, finally looking at him.
‘What happened?’ He noticed Ben standing there and nodded towards the kitchen. ‘We’re late for prep, mate; you get cracking – I’ll just be a minute.’
Ben slumped with relief and tootled off.
‘Nothing. I finished the Champagne, had myself a little after-party.’ She groaned, reaching down to plug the phone cable back in. She had a vague memory of pulling it out of the wall the night before when it had started ringing shortly after her emailing sesh. Right about the time she locked the doors shut in case the slimy weasel showed up and cracked the key lock box. The second she pushed it back into the socket, it started ringing. ‘Oh Christ, my head.’ She picked it up. ‘Good morning, the?—’
‘Hello? Amber?’
It was Bradley.
‘Drop dead, dickface.’ She hung up. It rang again. Tyler put his hand out, but she answered it, waving him off with a shaky hand.
‘Good morning, the Lazy Slug. How can I help?’
‘Hi, I just want to talk.’
‘No,’ she spat back. ‘I don’t have anything to say, Brad! ’
It rang again the second she hung up, making her headache clatter to a whole new level.
‘I can’t,’ she groaned, putting the phone back into its cradle. It rang off eventually, falling silent. ‘If he rings again, don’t answer it. Or tell him I moved. Or died. Your choice. Either way, I’m not here.’
Tyler didn’t move. He was studying her, and she felt exposed under his gaze. ‘I knew I shouldn’t have left last night. What happened?’ His eyes dropped to the food debris on her chest, and she flicked it off half-heartedly. ‘Did Bradley bother you?’
‘You could say that. I don’t want to talk about it, not yet. I can’t, too mad. You got any tablets? My head’s pounding.’
‘I’ll get you some,’ he grumbled. ‘And some water. But I want to talk, Amb. I have some stuff to say too, about last night.’
‘Yeah, okay.’ She waved him off, feeling like her legs were made of noodles. ‘I need to get ready to open.’ She pushed her feet into her favourite fluffy slippers and, giftbag still in her hand, walked through to the bar. She could hear Tyler hot on her heels.
‘Your day off. So you have time. What happened? You were okay when I left. You look like you lost a fight with a bottle of vodka.’ Sharon was taking down the balloon arch. Every balloon popping sounded like mortar fire. ‘She looks rough, doesn’t she?’
Amber almost threw the gift bag at her. If only to make her stop stabbing rubber.
‘Thanks. You’re lucky I’m not holding the scissors.’ Sagging onto one of the stools, Tyler came through, passing her some tablets and a large glass of water. He gave her a look and went back into the kitchen. ‘Great, now I’ve pissed him off again.’
‘Again?’ Sharon asked.
‘Don’t ask.’
She sat the gift bag on the bar, wiping a stain away with one of the beer towels. Sharon resumed her popping, and then Irene started up with the hoover in the pool room. ‘My God,’ Amber groaned. ‘I think I might actually die today. Or kill someone.’
‘Go back to bed,’ Sharon urged. ‘We’ve got this.’
Amber thought about crawling into her bed, but she knew she wouldn’t sleep. The after-party was not one of her best ideas, but, when Tyler had left, and she’d seen the email, she’d felt so weird about everything that drinking more felt like a great idea. Her liver was strongly disagreeing with her now, and hearing Bradley’s voice hadn’t helped. What the hell did he want? They had nothing to talk about. She’d already told him just what she thought of him.
‘No,’ she groaned, leaning on the bar for support while she winced at the chalky tablet taste. ‘I’ll be fine just here.’
Eventually, the bar was returned to normal. All signs of her birthday party were gone, and her headache had lowered to a dull roar. More water and some dry toast Tyler had wordlessly shoved at her earlier saw her through the worst of the lunch rush, and by three in the afternoon things were calm. Everyone was in a good mood after last night, the customers ribbing her about being hungover. If she ignored the fact that Tyler was in a weird mood, and her ex was a conniving little shitbag, she could just about cope. She was where she felt safe, grounded. Behind the bar, with people she knew and trusted around her.
‘Can I have a Jameson on the rocks please.’
Spoke too soon.
Amber felt her muscles lock up at the sound of his voice behind her.
‘Sorry, we’re all out.’
‘Jack Daniels then.’
‘Nope, out of that too.’ She made herself turn and look Bradley in the eye.
‘There’s a full bottle on the optic.’
Turning, she pretended to be surprised. ‘Oh yeah, so there is. What do you want, Brad? More insider information?’ Turning back to face him, she inspected her nails and tried to look bored. The coral colour reminded her of Tyler’s shirt.
‘Amber.’
She didn’t acknowledge him.
‘Amber. Look at me.’
When she met his eyeline, his face brightened. She hated him for that. He should be crawling back under the rock he slithered out of.
‘I’ve been ringing your phone all day. I rang the pub line, but Sharon told me if I called again, she would castrate me. Your cell phone’s off.’
‘It’s upstairs,’ she countered.
‘Right,’ he nodded. ‘I know I have a lot to explain, Amber?—’
‘How long?’
His head snapped back, manscaped brows uniting in confusion. ‘How long what?’
‘How long were you scheming to take the Arms for yourself? When were you going to tell me? Opening night? You know how I feel about that place. I put my own plans on hold for yours, and you decided what? That my childhood home was yours for the taking? I honestly can’t believe that you have the brass neck to even stand here. Is this why you wanted to talk?’
‘No, I?—’
‘How long, Bradley?’
‘Let me?—’
‘Were you ever going to tell me? I mean, we broke up, so you don’t owe me anything, right?’
His face was bloodless at this point, and her stomach lurched.
‘Right,’ she nodded, a grim realisation crystallising in her brain. ‘Thought so. You weren’t going to ’fess up. That’s why you were so distant, blowing me off. You wanted your ducks in a row. I just forced your hand with my little ultimatum.’ Her lip curled in disgust. ‘I can’t believe I ever saw any good in you. You really are a selfish, slimy little pig, aren’t you?’
He went quiet. As had the rest of the pub. Looking around, Amber could see most of the regulars were pretending not to be listening. Sharon was suspiciously nowhere to be seen. Probably telling Tyler, which meant Bradley’s time on Earth was going to be short. Bradley had noticed the attention too; she could tell from the awkward foot shuffling.
‘You’re wrong about this, babe.’
‘Don’t. Call. Me. Babe,’ she snarled. ‘I’m not wrong, Sloane. I found out about the planning application. That’s why you’re here. Because you were found out. Nothing else. You strung me along and knew exactly what you were doing.’
‘It’s not like that. The eatery would have been for us, b— Amber. I was struggling to find premises. My investor and I got chatting one night, and I mentioned your plans for the Arms.’
‘Bet you did,’ she fumed, folding her arms to stop herself from launching herself at him like a cornered cat.
‘It just kind of snowballed from there. The location’s perfect, and the layout wouldn’t need much renovation. You weren’t doing anything about it, and?—’
‘I was waiting for you! For your plans to happen first.’ She covered her face with trembling hands, giving herself a minute to let that truth sink in. She’d been so… weak. She’d waited for a man, instead of blazing her own trail like she’d planned. And now, she might just have lost everything. Taking a deep breath, she levelled him with a death-willing stare. ‘I hate you for this, and I’m not going down without a fight either. That stupid girl you knew, that waited for you to give her attention? She’s gone, and I am going to fight you on this every step of the way. Now get the hell out of my pu b, and don’t come back.’ She poked him in the chest, hard. ‘I wish I’d never set eyes on you.’
He cast a sheepish look behind him, aware of all the ears listening to his every word. ‘Listen, I know you’re mad, but…’
‘Hah!’ she barked at him. ‘I was way past mad hours ago.’
He dropped his head. ‘Look.’ He side-eyed the hostile crowd. ‘I know I fucked up, and this looks terrible, but if we could just go somewhere, talk.’
‘Why? So you can explain why you fucked over the woman you supposedly loved, for a business deal?’ She felt herself get emotional and bunched her fists together to quell it. ‘I got it. Now leave, and good luck getting Hebblestone to eat in your poncy little place, because people around here know a snake when they see one.’
Bill hissed from somewhere behind, another regular shouting, ‘You tell him, love.’
‘I know, it looks bad, but it’s the investors! I promise, it’s like I said. Sloane’s is sunk without the money they’re offering. I’ll be wiped out. Done. I was going to tell you; I rang to talk the other day, remember? I will make this right, I promise. Now you know, maybe we can sort this all out. Run the place together, like I was going to tell you! You could run the bar!’
Amber snorted. ‘Are you kidding me? I would rather burn the place to the ground!’
Bradley’s shoulders dropped another inch. ‘I know, I’m sorry. I just got caught up; I have so much to lose. If you just give me ten minutes, I have my car outside. Let me take you out for lunch. For your birthday. I’ll explain everything. Please.’
‘She’s not going anywhere with you,’ came a growly voice from behind her. ‘Get out now, Sloane.’
For the first time since he walked in, Bradley’s expression changed from weak and contrite. Amber watched him glare at Tyler, who had taken his chef’s hat off and looked like he was about to jump over the bar.
‘This is none of your business, mate.’ Bradley spat. ‘It’s between me and Amber. Get back to your microwave.’
Amber felt Tyler move closer, his arm snake around her waist, and she leaned into his warmth. Brad’s eyes flicked down, narrowing at what he saw. ‘You’re making a scene in my place of work, Brad, and after what I just heard, you have a nerve even showing up. She doesn’t want you here. Leave. Now.’
‘I’m trying to have a conversation, actually. And, after what I’ve just seen, you have more than a job at stake here. Stop trying to get in between us, Ty. I’ve had just about enough of you being her shadow.’ Bradley huffed, turning to Amber and dismissing him entirely. ‘My car’s in the car park; how long do you need?’
‘Are you deaf?’ Tyler shouted, coming to stand in front of Amber. As if the thick wooden bar wasn’t enough of a barrier between them. She tutted, pushing him out of the way. Or tried to. The man was built like a side of beef. He hooked his arm around her, locking her into place at his side. This made Bradley’s nostrils flare like a hippo in a water hole. ‘Leave, before I make you.’
‘Here, here,’ Bill’s table chorused. ‘You’re not welcome here. Upsetting our Amber.’
‘Yeah, bugger off,’ and, ‘Sling your hook’ came from other tables, making Amber stand that little bit taller. The whole place knew what was going on. The whole community now knew that, not only had she been dumped, but played too. Hebblestone was a close-knit place, and she felt that love now as her regulars grew restless. Bill looked positively fatherly, foot tapping on the carpet while he sat glaring a hole in the back of Bradley’s coiffed head. Their clear support made her feel that bit stronger. Muted that sting of shame that fizzed in the pit of her stomach when she saw him .
‘You heard them,’ she told him firmly. She felt Tyler’s arm squeeze her tighter. Brad’s narrowed eyes tracked the movement. ‘You’re upsetting my customers.’ Leaning forward, she added, ‘You’re also barred.’
A few whoops and scattered clapping rose up around her, and when Bradley’s shoulders sagged, she knew he was beaten.
‘Fine.’ He gave her one last long look. ‘I can see you’re angry, and I get it. This is not over, Amber.’ Tyler let loose a snarl at the side of her, and Bradley shook his head at him. ‘Call me when you want to talk. I’ll be waiting.’
The doors swished closed behind him, and she leaned into her mate as cheers went up around them.
‘Good for you, love,’ someone said. She heard Bill mutter something about taking the trash out, and supressed a smile.
‘Thanks for being a neanderthal,’ she joked when things died down and she managed to catch her breath. ‘I thought you were going to physically chuck him out of the door.’
Tyler turned her to rest against his chest, stroking her hair. ‘Nah. I was planning to fold him up like a pretzel first.’
She laughed then, but it soon dissolved into little sobs. He shouted for Sharon, whispering, ‘Not here’ into her ear and taking her out into the hallway. When they got to the bottom of the stairs leading to her place, he wrapped her back into his embrace and just stood there. Let her cry it out, until her tears dried up to sniffles. Smelling his ocean scent through her teary sobs.
‘Can you believe him?’ she asked finally. ‘He didn’t even look guilty. Am I wrong about this?’
‘Nope. You should have called me last night.’ After a beat, he asked, ‘How did you find out?’
‘Denise from planning. She thought that Brad and I were applying together. If the council agrees to this, I’ve lost the Arms, Ty. Just when I’d got my act together. I feel like such an idiot. I never should have waited. I wish I’d never gone out with him.’
‘This is not your fault.’ His voice was a low rumble that vibrated through her body. His hand rubbing slow circles on her back. ‘He was never good enough for you. Idiot. Why didn’t you call me last night? I would have been there for you, Cherry. I hate the thought of you here alone, drinking by yourself.’
She pulled back, wiping at her face. ‘I didn’t want to hear a bunch of I told you so’s, and I didn’t want to have to find a new chef because you were in prison for knocking him out.’ And I didn’t trust myself around you.
‘You should have called me. I would have come back, looked after you. I’m sick of you thinking you’re alone in all this.’ She thought of his face the night before, when she’d declared her need for a baby. She would be alone in that; she needed to stand on her own two feet. Having a man in the equation hadn’t exactly worked out so well lately. So she did what felt safer. Pushed him away. ‘Do me a favour, Ty. Spare me the lecture for now, please? My head’s pounding, and I feel like I licked a birdcage bottom.’
His laugh surprised her. His smirk all knowing. As if he knew what she was up to. It’s hard to hide from someone who always sees you. ‘Okay, fair enough.’ He lifted her chin, dipping his head to meet her eye. ‘Am I really that judgemental?’
‘I don’t know. Lately, our energy has been a little off.’
His jaw ticked. ‘I know, but I would still have been there for you last night. I’ll always be there for you, Cherry.’ He pushed a tear-stained tendril of hair out of her eyeline. ‘Sharon’s got the bar covered. Before you do anything, take the day. Please. Go upstairs, have a shower. Get some sleep. You’ll feel better.’
She nodded, blindly agreeing. It did sound good. Her hangover was still giving her a headache, and crying hadn’t made it any better .
‘A shower and a nap sound pretty good right now.’
She dipped her head and felt his touch. Did he just kiss my forehead again ? He’d stepped back before she had a chance to process it. ‘Get some sleep, okay?’
When she dragged her sniffling behind up the stairs, she noticed that all the gifts had been stacked up in the living room. Her phone and laptop were still on the coffee table, and someone had cleaned up her depression clutter from the night before. God bless Irene. Picking up her phone and turning it on, she saw that the battery was almost flat. There was a myriad of notifications on the screen. Banking, emails, missed calls, messages. Even looking at them made her eyes cross. Her printer, sitting on a side table in the corner of the room, looked like it had vomited a load of paper overnight. Tutting, she headed over, neatening the pile. Her business plan. Looking at the frozen image on the screen, a dim memory flashed back through the half dozen brain cells she’d killed with alcohol the night before. She’d done it. She’d gone all drunken planner. The last time she did this, she ordered a load of business books and fancy highlighters from Amazon. This time, she’d seemingly tweaked her business plan. Taking it back over to the coffee table, she plonked herself on the sofa and put it into a neat clip from her stationery box.
‘What else did I do?’ she asked herself.
‘You talking to yourself now?’ Tyler’s voice made her jump. He held his free hand up in surrender. ‘Hey! I come in peace. I brought you some food.’ A delicious steaming hot plate of burger, chips and his legendary coleslaw. Her mouth watered before the shock had a chance to wear off. ‘You should be getting some sleep.’
She tossed the business plan to one side and reached for the plate as he came to sit next to her. He frowned when he saw the image of Hugh on the TV screen. She clicked the off button on the remote and moaned as the first chip passed her lips .
‘Mmmm, I didn’t even realise I was so hungry.’
Tyler didn’t say anything; he was looking at the laptop screen on the coffee table, which had come back to life when she put the business plan down. She was just about to bite into the thick, juicy burger when she saw his stony face.
‘Cherry, what the hell is that?’ She was mid bite when he lunged across the keyboard and clicked on the bookmark labelled ‘sperm’. The website popped up, on a page marked order confirmation. ‘Amber, what the fuck is this?’ The food turned to ash in her mouth as she saw Tyler’s scowl. His eyes darkened as they darted over the words. Swallowing audibly, she leaned in. Shit. Shit. Double shitty shit shit. She’d gone and done it. Drunk her really had hit the nuclear button on the whole ‘life begins at 30’ thing. Her hangover had suppressed the memory of it all. I really did it.
‘Tyler, I?—’
‘You ordered sperm on the Internet? Are you freaking kidding me? What the hell’s going on?’ He was out of his chair and across the room. His eyes were scanning the place frantically. ‘I thought it was just drunk talk last night. You can’t be serious, Amber. Cancel it. Now.’
Even while she was still reeling on the fact that she’d actually done it, his tone and utter shock well and truly raised her hackles.
‘Don’t tell me what to do!’ She slammed the laptop lid down, slamming the plate down next to it. The coleslaw slid off the plate as she rose, landing in her lap. ‘Shit!’ She grabbed the sticky mess before it hit the carpet. ‘Give me a minute, okay?’ Stomping off to the bathroom, she left him standing there like an angry sergeant major, hands on hips. She could hear his foot tapping as she cleaned herself up. ‘I was drunk, okay?’
‘No shit. I knew I shouldn’t have left you alone after the party.’
His eyes tracked her from the second she re-entered the lounge.
‘I am a grown-ass woman, Tyler. I know what I want. ’
‘Says the hungover woman with a wet patch on her trousers. You can’t even eat a meal without making a mess. This is just a reaction to last night. Cancel it. It’s not too late.’
‘So, I can’t have a baby, right?’
‘What?’ His brows crashed together. ‘No… of course not… but you can’t do it like this! Ordering baby batter to your door, I mean who freaking does that? You were drunk, upset about your birthday. Pissed off. Confused, even. I get it. Turning thirty has always been a big thing for you. I know you’ve been beating yourself up about the Arms. This isn’t the answer, Amber. Take a breath. You don’t need to jump into everything right away.’ His eyes fell to the business plan. ‘Go for the Arms; the rest can wait.’
‘Are you telling me that or guessing? Because I didn’t just google having a baby, Ty. I have had that bookmark a while. Actually, I have been looking into having a baby on my own for ages. I had my eggs checked months ago, and it’s time! With or without a man, I want a family!’ She grabbed the business plan, thrusting it into his hands like she was handing him the answer. ‘I also did this. I finished my business proposal; you’re not kicking off about that!’
He barely glanced at the papers in front of him, shaking his head like some kind of buffering robot. ‘The two things are a bit different, and you know it. This is not the way you start a family, Amber. You have better options.’
She seized on his word. ‘Exactly. Options. I have options, and this is one of them. That site was bookmarked for a reason. I can do this, and maybe I don’t need to answer to anyone. I keep telling you, I’m fine on my own. I might not have done this quite so quick, sure. I was upset, and pissed, but this was not me ordering five pairs of shoes while on tequila.’
‘And what did you do with those shoes, eh?’ He countered, moving closer. ‘You cancelled the order the minute you realised, so think about it. Just for a minute, and then consider whether you might just have buyer’s remorse.’
Ben’s voice rose up from the staircase. ‘Er, Tyler? Getting pretty busy down here, mate.’
‘I’m coming,’ he roared back. ‘I’ve got to go.’
‘Don’t let me stop you.’ She scowled.
‘I’ll come up later, once my shift’s finished.’
She went to the door, holding it open in a way that would give him the message. ‘Don’t bother.’ She thumbed towards the stairs. ‘And before you overstep again, don’t forget that, while you are at work, I’m the boss. I don’t and have never needed an assistant to run my life. Stick to the kitchen from now on, and butt out.’
His jaw tensed so hard, she half expected his teeth to crack into pieces.
‘We are more than that, and you know it. One day, you might just stop trying to bend to everyone else’s will and see that.’
‘See what, Tyler? We fancy each other, sure. I can admit that much. And you’re right, I am sick of bending over backwards for people.’
‘I’ve never asked you to do that, not once. I don’t want to change you!’
‘Don’t you get it, Ty? That’s what would happen. I’m sick of it. Trying to please everyone. You, me – us? It wouldn’t work. You will leave one day, and I’ll be alone again. We want different things.’
‘It’s not that simple,’ he protested, reaching for her.
She stepped out of his orbit. ‘It is, Tyler. I can’t afford to waste any more time, and I can’t lose any more people. I just can’t.’
‘You won’t.’ He took a step towards her, but she moved closer to the door. ‘Not the right people.’
‘You don’t know that. And it’s too late, it’s done. Ben needs you,’ she pushed out, wanting him to go and stop looking at her like she was going to smash into a million pieces. She’d done it. She’d ordered it. Even in her shock, she couldn’t bring herself to feel the shock Tyler did. Maybe it was right. Drunk her had pulled the trigger, but they were her plans. She dimly remembered doing it, now the fog was clearing. She wanted this.
‘Can we at least talk about this?’
He looked so upset, standing there, but she remembered his reaction to her news last night. Her dreams didn’t align with his. She couldn’t let anything start between them, not if she was going to be a mum. Remembering her dream last night confirmed it. This way, Tyler would still be in her life. A good friend, someone she could trust. Without all the hurt and worry. Dragging Tyler along for the ride would only end one way. Badly. For both of them.
‘I’m tired,’ she muttered with a shake of her head. ‘I know what I’m doing, Ty. I don’t need anyone changing my mind.’
‘Fine,’ he growled. ‘Message received, Amber.’
Slamming the door behind him, she heard him slam the bottom door leading to the bar and stamped her foot in frustration. Heading back to her seat, she picked up the lukewarm burger and started to eat. She finished the food, and promptly burst into tears.
A couple of days later, she finally told her friend.
‘You didn’t!’ Sharon, usually not one to shock easily, looked positively, well, shaken.
‘I did, and what’s more, I don’t regret it. I’ve decided, I’m going to do it.’
‘Seriously?’
‘Yeah! Why not? You know what they say, drunk people always show their true intentions.’
‘When they pee off the side of buildings or arrange booty calls, yeah! Especially after a break-up. Have you spoken to Tyler about this?’
She felt the pang when her friend mentioned his name. That was the one thing that was bothering her the most about this. She’d been getting closer to Tyler but he didn’t want kids. There was no point in trying to force another relationship to fit her plans. At least, this way, they could just get over their weirdness. Go back to being friends again, eventually. She thought of his stricken face, the way he reached for her. The tingle she’d felt when her body wanted to fold itself into his. If only to rid him of that look. Feel his arms around her before things changed yet again. She really did need to book that ECG; her heart flip-flopping was getting a bit much.
‘Amber! Are you still hungover or what? Your eyes have glazed over.’
‘Sorry! Sorry.’ She shook herself out of her inner debate. ‘What were you saying?’
‘I was saying that you need to take a break, before you decide your next big life move. People need a minute to recover from stuff like this, Amb. Cutting their ex’s clothes up or keying their car, maybe. Even getting under another man to get over the one who broke your heart I can roll with. This is extreme. You don’t decide to have a baby the same fortnight and order the… the… juice! I mean, I’ve ordered drunk before. Remember that life-sized cardboard cutout of Clint Eastwood I ordered after that time we drank Pernod?’
‘Yeah.’ Amber laughed at the memory. ‘I also remember your disappointment because you meant to order his son.’
‘Exactly. It was a mistake!’
‘You also kept him. He’s still in your closet. We freaked your neighbours out last Halloween pretending to cut his head off in the window.’
‘Oh yeah,’ Sharon laughed, distracted from her rant. ‘I wondered why his head was taped together.’ She shook her head like a wet dog. ‘That’s not the point. My point is people don’t just decide to have a baby on a drunken whim.’
‘Shazza, half the people we know were probably the result of a drunken whim. I told you, I want to be a mum. Just because I don’t bang on about it 24/7 doesn’t mean it’s not there. Not everyone plans a baby; it’s not like I went out and found some random penis!’
Bill came to the bar at precisely the wrong moment. ‘I didn’t hear that. Usual, Sharon my lovely.’
‘Sorry Bill.’ Amber blushed.
When he was safely back in his seat, pint in hand, she tried to explain.
‘Listen, yeah, sure. It was a kneejerk reaction to finding out about what Brad was up to, but it’s not something I haven’t thought about before. A lot. I had the site bookmarked on my laptop. I’ve been reading parenting blogs for the past two years. My biological clock was ticking like a bomb long before my birthday. Bradley and I talked about it when we were together. I’m thirty. I have no man.’ She paused, thinking of how good she felt when Tyler was around. ‘After possibly wasting the last year of it, I don’t want to join the dating pool again. I don’t have the time or the heart for it. Besides, it’s 2024. I don’t need a father for my child. I never knew mine, not really.’
‘Yeah,’ Sharon said with a pained look on her face, ‘and your mother went from one bloke to the rest, trying to find someone to share her life with for the rest of hers and left you behind.’ Her face fell. ‘Shit. Sorry. You know I didn’t mean it like that, but?—’
‘But it’s true,’ Amber rebuffed, Sharon’s comment stinging her a lot more than she let on. Thinking of her mother always did that. ‘She did, and my grandparents had the kind of storybook marriage that all the love songs are written about.’
‘And Tyler? ’
‘What about Tyler?’ Amber whispered. ‘We haven’t even kissed. Sure, we’ve flirted, but he doesn’t want kids. He hasn’t even said he wants a relationship, and it’s too hard. We’re good friends. I don’t want to lose that. He’s leaving, so in a few months, it will be a moot point anyway. I’ve seen both sides of the coin, Shaz. I choose not to flip it any more.’
‘Flip what?’ Ben asked as he rounded the corner.
‘Nothing.’ Amber glared at Sharon to shut up. ‘Just chatting, you know.’
‘Cool. Tyler said we need to put an order in for those steaks again from the butcher. We’re nearly out. He’s also in a raging mood again, so heads up if you cross his path.’ He filled two glasses with ice and coke before heading off again.
‘If you’re so happy about your little plan, why not tell Ben, eh?’ Sharon folded her arms in a ‘huh?’ move.
‘Don’t fold your arms like that at me!’ Amber laughed. So, Tyler was still mad then. Well, so was she – so they were a pair of snarling bookends. Fine by her. ‘There’s nothing to tell yet, is there? It might not even work.’
‘Or you daren’t tell your best friend you didn’t cancel the order.’ Sharon snorted over her shoulder as she headed down the bar. ‘Because you know he’ll try to talk you out of it. You two need to talk; you make my heart spin.’
Luckily, Sharon was too busy to see her wince. She was right on the money on that one. Tyler was going to pitch an absolute fit when she told him she hadn’t changed her mind. Plus, she didn’t want the two of them joining forces in some kind of baby intervention. She was already stewing over Sharon’s comments about the family she was born into. It was true, she had seen both happy and sad. Her grandparents really had been two souls very much in love, even when death had parted them. Stroking the glass photo frame on the back bar wall, she looked at her smiling grandparents and sighed. ‘I wish you guys were here. You’d be happy for me, right?’ She was still looking at the snap when she heard a smash from the kitchen, and Tyler’s irritated growl reverberate through the place. ‘Time to get out of here,’ she muttered to herself. ‘Try and salvage some of my sanity.’
‘Jasmine, put that down! Jasmine! I swear, this kid!’
Amber watched the mother in the park chuntering to herself as she sped over to a toddler. Presumably Jasmine, who was currently eating dirt with a huge grin on her face. Watching her mother scold her, pulling wipes out of her bag to deal with her mud-smeared face, she waited for the panic to set in. Will my kid eat dirt? Will I be able to deal with it? Will I have the wipes at the ready?
‘Jas, honey. We can’t eat dirt, okay?’
‘Why?’ Amber heard the little girl ask as her mother knocked the dark soil off her clothing.
‘Because it’s not food. It helps the plants to grow, and the carrots.’
‘I like carrots!’
The mother laughed, picking the child up and settling her on her lap. As she wiped the rest of the forbidden snack from her fingers, the pair of them laughed together.
‘I know you do, baby. So, let’s not eat the dirt any more. Leave it to the carrots, and the flowers.’ She checked her watch, her eyes meeting Amber’s. ‘Come on, darling, let’s go meet Daddy for lunch, all right?’
‘With carrots?’ the little girl asked as they headed over to their stroller.
The laugh that came from her mother was so free, so full of joy, it made Amber’s heart clench .
‘Double carrots,’ she trilled back, and Amber watched as she carried her little girl away from the play area. When they came alongside the bench Amber was sitting at, the woman turned and gave her a knowing smile. ‘Kids, eh?’
Amber laughed. ‘Worth it, though, right?’
‘Mum, carrots!’ the babe trilled in her arms, grabbing her by the cheeks and turning her away from the conversation. The woman laughed and pulled away long enough to grin at Amber.
‘It’s exhausting, stressful, expensive. You can’t have a conversation with another adult longer than a second.’
Her daughter was currently smushing her cheeks together in an effort to stop her talking and shouting, ‘Carrots, carrots, carrots’ at the same time at the top of her tiny lungs.
‘But, yeah, it’s totally worth it. Have a good day.’
Amber waved them off, watched the pair of them head to the car park. Utterly raptured and engrossed by the other. Amber sat there long after their car had pulled away. She sat on that wooden park bench, watching the children play. Half listening to the parents as they chatted together on the fringes of the bark chippings. She could hear them talking about how work was moaning about their time off, about how little time they had to themselves. How little Billy had kept them up half the night. How their other half had slept through the whole thing. How they had considered suffocating them with a pillow in the middle of the night. She heard them talk about getting new teeth, about how their little one had learned to take their first steps the day before. How they would never let their child be the one scoffing on mud pies in the park.
For most of her adult life, she’d been on the fringes of conversations. The silent interloper, privy to their sorrows and successes. Listening to what they wanted to do, wanted to change in their lives. She’d been there when they celebrated births, engagements, marriages. Heck, even the odd divorce. She’d watched them fall in love, cheat, and fight. Years she’d listened and observed the minutiae of life. Now she was here again, single, and finally going on her own journey.
‘Totally worth it,’ she echoed. Looking at the tired parents, the laughing kids. The one in the corner digging a worm out from the flowerbed. She wanted this. She’d always wanted this.
She thought about Tyler. Angry at work. He felt rejected; she knew him well enough to know that. He thought she was acting rashly, but she felt calm about her decision. It felt right. If she ignored the gnawing gulf in her stomach when she thought about not seeing where things could go. She fancied him more and more, but there was no future to it. She felt the sting of rejection too, in a way, irritational as it was. It’s not like she expected him to act any different. She had known where he stood all along. It just felt cruel, that they had their chance but, once again, the timing was all wrong. So, no Tyler, and she didn’t want to try and find someone else. Her heart wasn’t in it. Even if she waited to date, it could be years before she met another person she could consider sharing the rest of her days with. One thing she did know was that she didn’t want another relationship where she was second. She didn’t want to be the girl who was woken up for what essentially amounted to a relationship booty call. Dating was exhausting. Even the thought of it made her feel tired. Exhausted. Plus, she’d been around enough drunk people to know that the truth was usually elicited by alcohol. People fought; they said what was on their mind. They broke up, drunk-dialled old loves. She’d seemingly taken tequila’s advice and kickstarted her life. Sober her was cautious; drunk her was all action. All guns blazing, all in. She’d ordered sperm online, had even discovered from her email trail that she’d booked a business meeting with her bank, all fuelled entirely by birthday cake, rejection and hard liquor. She’d even emailed her boss, asking for that pay rise she’d been moaning about for months. The thing was, he’d agreed. She was on more money, just for asking for what she wanted for once. It had only strengthened her resolve on the other things.
Her phone rang in her bag, jolting her from her children watching. Which was probably a good thing, as her coffee was long gone and childless strangers who hung out all day in parks were usually frowned upon. And locked up for being creepy.
She headed to the front gates, pulling her phone out of her bag as she pulled her jacket around her. Tyler. He’d been ringing her periodically since she’d left the Slug. She couldn’t avoid him forever. She knew she’d have to speak to him at some point. Even knowing that, her finger still hovered over the green button without landing on the screen. He rang off, and seconds later, a message popped up.
Amber, where are you? Talk to me. If you don’t ring me back in half an hour, I’m coming to find you.
She headed out of the gates, dumping her empty cup in the trash bin as she passed by. Her phone beeped again.
Amber, come on. Ring me. Everyone is worried. You are not on your own. Talk to me. This isn’t like us.
Us . Her gut clenched. It sounded so good when he said that. Maybe she owed him a conversation. Maybe, if she could make him understand, they could go back to normal. She could stuff her feelings for him down. She’d done it before, right?
Another message beeped.
I know I’m mad about the other thing, and we need to talk more about it, but I swear if you are off somewhere crying over that fuckwit I will track him down and pummel his face in. Then I’ll come track you down and bring you home. Please, stop hiding. Not from me, Cherry.
She sighed reading it. She wanted to be mad about his reaction to the baby thing, but his words deflated her anger like a popped balloon. He was right. She was hiding, and that’s what she’d been doing for far too long. Hiding behind a crappy relationship, hiding behind big dreams that she never reached for. She wasn’t alone. She had a family at that pub, but it wasn’t enough any more. She needed to take action. For once, she wanted people to see her live her life. She would have a baby, and go all out for the Arms. Crush Bradley’s little scheme and get her happy ever after. Her grandmother had run the place and raised her. Another Fitzpatrick woman had already shown her it could be done. She had to been taught to stand on her own two feet, and she needed her decks clear for her new life. No more hiding. Tyler would have to wait. Firing off a text, she headed for a showdown of a different kind.
When she arrived at Bradley’s place, he was already outside, waiting.
‘Hi,’ she said, walking over to him. He was looking as polished as ever, a light-grey suit tailored to his body, but she could see the bags under his eyes. The way his face pinched when he looked at her.
‘Thanks for coming,’ he breathed. ‘Talk upstairs?’
‘I’m good here, thanks.’
She saw the shame on his face. ‘I am sorry, Amber. One thing I didn’t want to do in all this was hurt you. I’m guessing I’m the talk of Hebblestone.’
‘What’s wrong? Worried about your reputation?’
He shrugged but didn’t deny it. ‘I’m a businessman; reputation matters.’
‘Yeah, well, the Slug is hardly the Daily Mail news desk, Brad. I’m sure you’ll be fine. Although, I wouldn’t show up there again if I were you.’
‘Tyler wouldn’t hold back, I’m guessing.’ His eyes grew hard. ‘Finally made his move, did he?’ He cursed under his breath. ‘I always kind of guessed he liked you, but he never said anything. Even denied it when I asked. Said he wasn’t looking for a relationship.’
‘He’s not,’ she confirmed, even as a stab of something hit her chest. ‘He’s not one to settle down.’
‘But he does like you, right?’
‘That’s none of your business.’ She pressed her lips together. ‘We got close lately, that’s all. Working together so much, you were off doing your own thing. I’ve never cheated on you.’
He waved her off, as if it didn’t matter. ‘I know that. I still think we can sort this out. Now you know?—’
‘Now I know just how much of a wanker you are?’
He huffed, pulling his tie loose from its binding. ‘I deserve that. And more. I never meant for it to happen like this.’
‘So call it off. I am going for the Arms, Brad. I will not let you just swoop in and take it, and Hebblestone is not going to welcome you with open arms if you win. You can still stop this. Walk away. Find another place.’
He winced, swallowing hard. ‘I’m in too deep to pull out of the eatery now. I have to push through on this. The investors are… pushing for me to get things moving. I had to do it.’ He didn’t look entirely happy with the prospect. ‘I know I’ve changed,’ his eyes gr ew soft. ‘But I did change for the better when I met you, Amber. You made me better, I just… forget to be that man sometimes. It’s cost me, more than you know. I’ve lost you for good, haven’t I?’
It would be funny if it wasn’t so tragic. Looking at him now, she couldn’t imagine a time when she ever had feelings for such a person. Tyler might not share her dreams, but he had never made her feel anything but supported. Even now, when he was mad, he was still there – looking out for her.
‘You lost me a long time ago. You just didn’t notice. I’m going to fight you on this, every step of the way. You’re not crushing my dreams to get what you want. Not any more.’
He nodded, a strange look clouding his face before he came to stand in front of her. His head bent to meet hers. His lips brushed hers for the briefest of moments, before he pulled back. ‘I never deserved you, Fitzpatrick.’
She smiled fully for the first time. ‘Tell me something I don’t know, Sloane.’