Chapter 2
ETHAN
Ihang up before I say something I can't take back.
The phone feels heavy in my hand. I set it on the counter and stare at the kitchen window. My reflection stares back. I look tired. I am tired.
I shouldn't have called her.
The thought doesn't help. I called her anyway. Got her number off Luke's phone when he went to the bathroom at Miller's Bar last week. Told myself I'd delete it. Told myself a lot of things that turned out to be lies.
I pull a beer from the fridge and take it out to the porch. The sun is setting over the trees, painting everything gold and red. It's beautiful, but I don't care.
All I can think about is Callie's voice on the phone. The way she said "yeah" when I said her name. Like she was bracing for something. Like she knew what I wasn't saying.
I drink the beer. It doesn't help.
My phone buzzes. For one stupid second, I think it's her calling back. It's not.
Luke: "You around tomorrow? Need help with the deck."
I type back: "What time?"
Luke: "Eight work?"
Me: "I'll be there."
I finish the beer and go inside. The cabin is quiet. Too quiet. I bought this place because I wanted space. I wanted to be alone after too many years of bunking with other soldiers, sharing quarters, never having a moment to myself.
Now the silence feels like punishment.
I shower and get into bed. Sleep doesn't come. I lie there thinking about things I shouldn't think about. Callie's hands when she gave me the donuts. The way her eyes met mine for half a second before looking away. The fact that I noticed she was wearing different earrings than usual.
I notice too much about her. Always have.
At some point, I fall asleep. When I wake up, it's six thirty and my alarm is going off. I get dressed, make coffee and try not to think about how Callie's coffee is better than anything I can make at home.
I fail.
By seven forty-five, I'm pulling up to Luke's house. He's already outside, work gloves on, looking at the deck like it personally offended him.
"Morning," I call out.
He turns and grins. "You're early."
"Couldn't sleep."
"Join the club." He tosses me a pair of gloves. "This shouldn't take more than a few hours if we hustle."
We get to work. Luke's deck needs new boards on the south side where the wood rotted out over winter. We pull up the bad planks and measure for replacements. The work is straightforward. Physical. Exactly what I need.
"How's the tech job?" Luke asks while we're cutting lumber.
"Same as always."
"That good, huh?"
I shrug. "Pays the bills."
"You ever miss it? The military?"
I think about it. "Sometimes. Not as much as I thought I would."
"What do you miss?"
"Knowing what I'm supposed to do. Having a mission."
Luke nods like he understands. He probably does. Luke spent four years in the Army before coming back to Hearts Bend. That's how we met. Different units, same deployment, same shitty forward operating base in Afghanistan.
We work in comfortable silence for a while. The sun climbs higher. I strip off my shirt when it gets too hot. Luke does the same.
"You seeing anyone?" he asks out of nowhere.
I almost drop the hammer. "No."
"Why not?"
"Haven't met anyone."
"Bullshit." Luke sets down his drill and looks at me. "You've been here six years, man. You're telling me not one woman in this town has caught your eye?"
I keep my face neutral. "Not really my priority."
"Maybe it should be."
"You dating anyone?" I counter.
He grins. "Touché, but I've got an excuse. Someone's gotta look out for Callie."
My chest tightens at her name. I focus on hammering the next board into place.
"She seems like she's doing fine on her own," I say carefully.
"She is. Doesn't mean she doesn't need someone watching her back." Luke pauses. "You know she works seventy-hour weeks? Hasn't taken a day off in three months?"
"Sounds familiar."
"Yeah, well, she gets it from our old man. She’s as stubborn as hell, too focused on work to see what's right in front of her."
I don't ask what he means by that. I don't want to know.
We finish the south side and move to the railing. Luke hands me a water from the cooler. We sit on the steps and look at our progress.
"Can I tell you something?" Luke asks.
"Sure."
"I'm glad you moved here. After everything that happened over there, I wasn't sure you'd make it."
I take a drink of water. "Wasn't sure either."
"But you did. You built yourself a good life. Got your head straight." He glances at me. "You're one of the best men I know, Ethan. I trust you with my life. You know that, right?"
The words hit harder than they should. I nod because I can't speak.
"I mean it," Luke continues. "If I ever needed someone to look out for Callie, if something happened to me, I'd want it to be you."
I force myself to meet his eyes. "Nothing's going to happen to you."
"I know. But if it did." He claps me on the shoulder. "You're the only person I'd trust with her. The only one."
He gets up and heads back to the deck. I sit there with my water and the weight of his words pressing down on my chest.
Luke trusts me.
Luke trusts me with his life, with his sister's safety, with everything that matters to him.
And I'm sitting here wanting things I have no right to want.
We work until noon. The deck is finished, and Luke is pleased with how it turned out. He offers me lunch, but I decline. I need to get home. Need some distance.
"Thanks for the help," he says, walking me to my truck.
"Anytime."
"You coming to the Memorial Day thing at the VFW?"
"Probably."
"Callie's making donuts for it. Special order." He grins. "You should stop by the shop later this week, and tell her what you want."
My hands tighten on the truck door. "I'll think about it."
"Come on, man. When's the last time you had a good donut?"
"Yesterday."
He laughs. "Fair point. Still stop by, she'd like to see you."
I don't ask how he knows that. I get in the truck and drive away before he can say anything else that makes this worse.
The drive home takes twenty minutes. I spend all of them trying not to think about Callie. About how she looked when I walked into the shop yesterday morning. About the way her fingers brushed mine when she handed me the coffee. About her voice on the phone last night.
I fail spectacularly.
By the time I pull up to the cabin, I've made a decision. I need to stay away from Morning Star Donuts, and stay away from Callie. It's the only way this works. The only way I don't betray Luke's trust.
I take a cold shower, it doesn't help.
I try to work. The London office sent over new specs for the security protocol I'm building. I stare at the code on my screen and see nothing but Callie's eyes. Green. Sharp. Seeing too much.
I give up and go for a run.
The land around my cabin is five acres of woods and open field. I run the perimeter twice, pushing myself until my lungs burn and my legs ache. Physical pain I can handle, this other thing, this wanting, I don't know what to do with.
When I get back, I'm dripping sweat and no closer to any kind of peace.
My phone shows three missed calls. Two from work. One from my sister in Colorado.
I call Emma back first.
"Finally," she says when she answers. "I was starting to think you'd fallen off the mountain."
"I went running."
"Very wilderness man of you. How's Texas?"
"Hot."
"Shocking." I hear her moving around, probably multitasking like always. "I talked to Mom last week. She's worried about you."
"Why?"
"Because you live alone in the woods and never date anyone. Her words, not mine."
I pinch the bridge of my nose. "I'm fine."
"Are you?"
"Emma."
"Ethan." She mimics my tone perfectly. "Seriously. When's the last time you did something besides work and hang out with Luke?"
"Yesterday. I went to a donut shop."
"Wow. Living on the edge."
"What do you want me to say?"
She's quiet for a moment. When she speaks again, her voice is gentler. "I just want you to be happy. You've been through enough. You deserve something good."
"I'm working on it."
"Are you?"
I don't have an answer for that. We talk for a few more minutes about nothing important, and then she has to go. I'm left alone again with my thoughts and the knowledge that everyone in my life thinks I'm not okay.
Maybe they're right.
I spend the rest of the day trying to work. By evening, I've accomplished nothing. My inbox is full of messages I haven't answered. The code I'm supposed to review sits untouched.
I'm making dinner when my phone buzzes.
Luke: Forgot to mention, it’s Callie's birthday next month. Thought we could do something. You in?
I stare at the message for a long time.
This is it, this is where I say no. Where I start putting distance between myself and anything that involves Callie Reyes.
I type: When?
Luke: June 15th. Probably just dinner and drinks. Nothing fancy.
Me: Let me know the details.
Luke: Will do. Hey, you good? You seemed off today.
I hesitate. Luke knows me too well. He knows when something's wrong even when I don't say it.
Me: Just tired.
Luke: Get some sleep, man. You look like hell.
I set down the phone and finish making dinner. Chicken and rice. Simple. Tasteless. I eat it because I need fuel, not because I want it.
After dinner, I sit on the porch with another beer and watch the sun go down. The sky turns purple and orange. Stars start appearing. It's beautiful and peaceful and everything I wanted when I moved here.
It's not enough.
My phone is in my pocket. I can feel the weight of it. I can feel the temptation to pull it out and call her again. Hear her voice. Say something honest for once.
I don't do it.
Instead, I sit there until the beer is gone and the sky is black, and the only sound is crickets and the distant rush of the creek behind the house.
I think about what Luke said. How he trusts me. How I'm the only person he'd trust with Callie.
I think about Callie's hands giving me donuts. Her voice on the phone. The way she said my name.
I think about how I'm going to stay away from her. How I have to stay away from her.
How it's the right thing to do.
The only thing to do.
I finish the beer and go inside. The cabin is dark. I don't turn on any lights. Just go to bed and lie there in the blackness.
Sleep doesn't come for a long time.
When it does, I dream about things I can't have. When I wake up, it's four in the morning, and I'm hard, frustrated and angry at myself for wanting something that isn't mine to want.
I take another cold shower, get dressed, and make coffee that isn't as good as hers.
My phone shows a text from an hour ago.
Unknown number: Your lights are on. You can't sleep either.
Three words. That's all, but I know who it's from, she must have been looking over at my house to know my light is on.
I stare at the message. I should delete it and block the number. I really should do anything except what I actually do.
Which is save her contact, put her name next to it, and type back.
Me: No.
The dots appear immediately. She's awake. She's waiting.
Callie: This is a problem.
Me: I know.
Callie: What are we going to do about it?
I look at that question for a full minute. There's only one right answer. Only one answer that doesn't betray Luke, that doesn't complicate everything, and that keeps me where I'm supposed to be.
Me: Nothing.
The dots appear and disappear. Appear again. Disappear.
No response comes.
I set down the phone and walk out to the porch. The sun is starting to rise, another day beginning, and another day of wanting something I can't have and trying to be the man Luke thinks I am.
The man I'm supposed to be.
The phone buzzes. I don't look at it. Can't look at it. If I look at it, I'll say something I can't take back.
Do something I can't undo.
So, I stand there and watch the sunrise and ignore the buzzing in my pocket and tell myself this is how it has to be.
Even though every part of me wants to walk back inside, pick up that phone, and tell Callie Reyes exactly what I'm thinking.
Which is that nothing is not an option.
That I've tried nothing.
That nothing is killing me.
But I don't say any of that. I just stand there until the sun is fully up and the buzzing stops and I'm left alone with the choice I've made.
The right choice.
The only choice.
The choice that's going to destroy me.