Chapter 35
FISCHER
Iunderstand that my assistant is no prude, but I’m starting to think I might be. I can’t stop blushing while we work across the table from each other, occasionally chatting about either something I need or the posts he has planned.
Matthew, operating on almost no sleep, has to make a round trip to the Bronx before his shift this evening, and my thoughts are mostly following him around the apartment. When I hear the knock on my door and he heads over to answer it, I assume he ordered food.
But it’s not just food.
“Oh, hey!” I hear a too-familiar voice ring out.
Gavin turns his head to peer down the hall and see what I can see from here. Raven. In my apartment. At eleven a.m. With Matthew shirtless.
Matthew, acting like a true doorman, tells her good morning and steps out of the way. I can feel his glare from here.
Ravenna bops down the hall, coffee and a paper bag in hand, taking in the scene.
She’s dressed like she just got back from a run except she’s not sweating.
Her cleavage is stuffed into a black sports bra, and her leggings stop mid-calf.
Expensive white sneakers and a ponytail complete the look. “I didn’t realize you’d have company.”
“You could have texted,” I say.
She only grins. “I would have brought more food.” She comes around the table, plants a totally unnecessary kiss on my cheek, and sits down beside me. “What are we working on?”
“Raven, my assistant Gavin, Gavin this my neighbor, Ravenna Gallo.”
“Oh, of course. Ms. Gallo. Nice to see you,” he says politely because he knows everyone even if they don’t necessarily know him.
I catch Matthew looking at me. He’s not happy.
“I was just coming to check on you since you weren’t feeling well last time. You look like you’ve bounced back. Bagel?”
“Uh…sure.”
“I took a chance,” she says. “Figured you were a lox man.”
If looks could kill, Matthew’s gaze would stop my heart where I sit. I force a smile at Raven and take the bagel she’s offering me. I admit, I don’t know how to handle this. Gavin looks like he’s ready to pop some popcorn.
Raven puts her hand on the back of my chair and waits expectantly for me to take a bite, like she made the bagel herself. Matthew clears his throat and walks into the bedroom. Raven watches this with a look of confusion on her face.
“Did he spend the night?” she asks.
“He works today,” I say obliquely. “Busy schedule.”
“That’s sweet of you. I’m not close with my sister at all. She’s married. Two kids. Lives in Ohio, much to the annoyance of Mom and Daddy.”
She calls him Daddy? Of course she does.
“I hear Ohio’s pretty,” Gavin offers.
“It actually is!” Raven says like the fact shocked her. “And their house is gorgeous. It’s only missing the white picket fence, but they do have a pond. It’s an ideal vacation home. I mean—it’s not the Hamptons, but I can see why she loves it. Is it hard to have a kid in the city?” she asks me.
“Um…” All I can think about is Matthew and what the hell he must be thinking.
I can’t help it if Raven decided to take casual up a notch, but if our positions were reversed, and someone he’d been sleeping with showed up with his favorite breakfast, I’d be breaking things by now.
“You’d have to ask Nicole. If you’ll excuse me for just a minute.
I need to grab something out of the bathroom before he gets in the shower. ”
She scoots her chair back so I can get up because she was sitting that close.
I try not to look like I’m in a hurry, but he’ll be out the door before I know what hits me if I don’t stop him.
As suspected, he’s fully dressed, backpack on his shoulder, and shoving his feet into his shoes when I come into the bedroom and close the door.
He glances up at me with furious eyes. “That’s casual?”
“I didn’t invite her.”
“That’s my point,” he says, shoes on.
“I can’t have you leaving like this,” I say.
“I can’t stay like this, either.”
“Matty.” I approach him, putting a hand in the center of his chest. “She’s background noise. I don’t want anything with her.”
“You might want to tell her that.” He gestures in the direction of the dining room.
“I will.”
He makes a dismissive noise, and I say again, more firmly, “I will.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t.”
“What?”
“Maybe she’s more up your alley. Sometimes the obvious choice is the right one. The kind of future you want with Vaughn happens with someone like that. She’s obviously into you, and fuck knows you’re into her.”
Fear seizes my chest like a fist squeezing it to a pulp. “You can’t be serious.” We fucking talked about this.
“I don’t think you’re being serious,” he counters.
“Can you even imagine how you’d explain to your son when he’s twelve or thirteen why his Uncle Matty sleeps in your bed?
Really? I fucking want you. You’re probably the only thing I’ve ever wanted.
But you said it yourself—you knew a long time ago I am the last thing you need. ”
I clench my hand in the fabric of his shirt. “You are the only thing I need.”
His face crumples, like he’s in physical pain.
“Please don’t do this. Let me go. I get it.
I do. I know this was a fucking fantasy—I’ve always known that.
But if you don’t let me go now—when you eventually do—I’m gonna fucking break in half.
Please understand that. Please know that I can’t lose you.
If we end it now, I think we can come back from it. As friends.”
I’m shaking my head. I’m moving closer to him. Ending it is incomprehensible. It’s already too late for me. “I gave myself to you. Don’t throw that back in my face.”
“Fischer…”
“I can’t go back,” I tell him. “I meant what I said this morning. It’s you and me. That’s it.”
“It can’t work.”
“It has to work. We make it work. Unless it’s not worth it,” I say, realizing I just put my future and my heart on the chopping block.
He bites his lip and something like agony tightens his eyes. His hand grips my neck so fast I gasp. “Am I ? Think about it. Don’t just say yes because you know it’s what I want to hear. Am I worth it?”
I don’t have to think about it. The truth is imprinted on my soul. “You are everything.”
Something feral and possessive flashes in his dark eyes before he presses his mouth to mine.
I part my lips, immediately taking the kiss deep, trying to prove to him that we’re not some fluke of proximity and chemistry.
That he’s no phase or fling to me. He’s the only one I trust. The only one I want.
We’re intertwined in a way I may never understand except to say that life without him would barely qualify as a life.
I went without him long enough. It will never happen again—not if I have any say in it.
He pulls away with a frustrated groan.
“Don’t go,” I tell him.
“I was leaving anyway,” he reminds me.
The fact that our relationship has any borders or limits eats at me.
I’m restless. Stupidly so. Of course, I can’t spend every second of every day glued to his side.
It’s impossible, and it’s probably not healthy, either.
However, this fantasy I have, of him and me, alone on a deserted island with only each other to turn to for food, shelter, sex—every basic need—is an option I would choose in a heartbeat if I didn’t have Vaughn to consider.
But because I do, I understand why Matthew feels threatened. I also know we need to be careful and not rush into anything we can’t come back from. But I’m afraid we might have already crossed the point of no return.
“I love you,” he says when he pulls away.
Meeting his eyes, I respond, “I love you, too.”
He presses his lips together and forces out an apology. “Sorry I freaked out. I trust you. I’ll come back before work, okay?”
Jesus, the fucking relief. I nod, grateful beyond words.
He kisses my cheek and extracts himself from my grip. I follow him out of the bedroom, smoothing my hair and wiping my mouth.
“See you all later,” he says, barely stopping to acknowledge Gavin and Ravenna at the table.
“Bye, Matthew!” Gavin calls out.
I tear my eyes away from his retreating form to glance at Raven. She’s looking at me quizzically. I shrug. Brothers, am I right?
“He’s not very chatty, is he?” she says once he leaves.
“He’s shy,” I tell her, retaking my seat like it’s not a big deal, and she’s just a neighbor. My stomach is churning. The idea of coffee or a bagel makes me sick, but I take a small bite and turn back to my laptop, barely comprehending the words on the screen.
“So…your sister’s marrying Stuart March, you’re a prime time anchor, and he’s a doorman. How did that happen?”
I don’t get the sense she’s trying to be rude, but the question makes me defensive. “He’s a sculptor,” I tell her. “He’s actually quite talented.”
“Yeah? You should bring him by the gallery. Let me check out his portfolio.”
“That’s up to him,” I say.
“Does he live—like—far away or something?”
“Why do you ask?”
“Just—you implied he slept over because he worked—I just wondered if he commutes into the city.”
“He lives in the Bronx. And he slept over because he just does sometimes.” I share a look with Gavin, and I feel like he’s on the same page as me.
Ravenna glances at Gavin, then says to me, “It’s sweet that you’re so close.”
“He was there for me during a tough time,” I tell her, but I wish I’d shut the fuck up. I could talk about Matthew for hours, and her conversational style feels like a lure and a trap.
“After your injury?”
See?
“My parents are older. He was the one who helped me out.”
“Awww…” she says. “I love that. My parents would have just hired a nurse or something. I get that it would have meant they wanted the best care possible. They’re not big on TLC.”
I do not want to know Raven like this. But I’m also not going to dump her in front of my assistant. Splitting the difference, with my good leg, I nudge his shin under the table.