Chapter 1 #2
Three months and four surgeries later the big cast had been removed, and Rebecca had been transferred to a pediatric rehabilitation hospital.
By then she had learned of her parents’ deaths, which she tried not to think about unless she was alone and could cry without upsetting anyone else.
Beginning the painful but necessary physical therapy that her doctor hoped would help her walk again also helped.
The year that followed would restore her mobility inch by sweat-soaked inch as the swelling in her spine receded and she learned how to stand and use her new knees to walk.
No one but Rebecca knew how much the experience had changed her in other ways, but that was something she intended to keep private forever.
Nothing to be ashamed of, Becs, her physical therapist Reuben Dane would have said. Everybody’s got secrets.
On her way downstairs Rebecca checked her phone for messages, and saw three missed calls and five increasingly anxious texts from her grandmother, the last of which she’d written in all caps.
WHY DON’T YOU ANSWER YOUR PHONE IT’S LUNCH TIME ISN’T IT ARE YOU OKAY I’M REAL WORRIED NOW CALL ME BACK AS SOON AS YOU CAN.
Because Bess McIan would probably next call the Boston police, Rebecca stopped on the fourth floor landing and called her grandmother, who answered in the middle of the first ring.
“Oh, Becky, you scared me so much,” Bess said. “Can’t you hear your phone?”
“I’m fine, Grandmom,” Rebecca said, keeping her tone soothing to reassure the elderly woman. “I’m at work, and I leave my phone in my office when I’m with one of my patients. What’s the matter?”
“I haven’t heard from you in two days, that’s what’s wrong,” Bess McIan said, sounding as if the days had been years. “Wait, I need a tissue. The pollen here is horrible, it’s killing me, you would not believe.”
The sound of her grandmother blowing her nose, which likely came from her latest crying jag than any allergy, suggested there was more to the story.
“You have an argument with Granddad this morning?” Rebecca asked.
“All Scotty and I do is fight since we came here. Stubborn old mule doesn’t give two hoots about me.” Bess sniffed a few times. “Can you come down for a visit? I miss you so much I can’t sleep.”
“I used all my vacation time to move you two there, remember?” When her grandmother made a sobbing sound she closed her eyes and leaned her forehead against the window pane.
“You want to come up? You know I have to work during the days, but we can spend our nights and weekends together. I’ll send you a plane ticket. ”
“I promised Scotty I’d stay here and stop bothering you, and I’m going to keep my word.” Bess sighed. “It’s just so hard. You’re all we got left of our boy, and you’re alone there now. Anything could happen and it would take us all day to reach you—if we could get a flight out of here.”
This wasn’t anything new. Both of her grandparents fussed over her, but Bess had not yet gotten over her separation anxiety.
“I’m being careful, just like I promised you,” Rebecca reminded her. “Why don’t we do a video call tonight, huh? Then you can see I’m safe and sound.”
Her grandmother made a chiding sound. “I can never figure out how to do that. Just call me so I can hear your voice, Becky, ’kay? Soon as you get home from work so I know you’re safe.”
Safe. That was the story of her life since it had been smashed to pieces.
After reassuring Bess she would call her after dinner, Rebecca switched off the phone and briefly imagined tossing it out of the window.
Of course she loved her grandparents, and would forever be grateful to them for caring for her and raising her after the accident.
Yet from the time she was twelve they had both kept her so sheltered that she never went anywhere alone.
“Sixteen is too young to date,” Jack had told Rebecca when she had been invited to a Valentine's Day dance at her school.
After her history teacher had organized a field trip to visit a Civil War fort on Georges Island, Bess had refused to sign the permission slip. “It’s too dangerous. Kids are always falling off those ferries.”
The same thing happened when Rebecca tried to sign up for driver’s ed. Her grandparents didn’t want her to have a driver’s license until after she graduated high school. Then when she began college, her grandfather had insisted she still live at home.
“We’ll sleep better knowing you’re here, Becky,” Bess would say.
As a naturally shy person Rebecca already had difficulties with making friends, but her grandparents’ over-protectiveness had been like a prison. Ultimately she’d had no social life, no friends, and never did any of the fun things that other girls her age did.
“You’ll have time for boys later,” her grandfather assured her when she’d tried once to talk to him about dating. “Now you should just think about your studies.”
Although Rebecca wanted to make Bess and Jack happy, she also wanted to escape the smothering limits of the solitary confinement of their rules.
She had finally managed to secretly date a fellow medical student when she began her doctorate program, as she could explain the extra time she spent away from home as working on her thesis.
He’d had a tiny studio apartment where they could be alone, but the relationship had proven awkward.
Thanks to her isolation growing up, Rebecca didn’t drink, smoke weed or have any experience with sex, which for her turned out to be rather boring.
Constantly cutting short their time together in order to get home by a reasonable hour didn’t make her boyfriend happy, either.
“No wonder you were still cherry when we first met,” he said the day he broke up with her. “How old do your folks think you are, twelve?”
As it happened, their relationship hadn’t suited Rebecca, either, so she didn’t bother explaining the circumstances at home to him.
To her grandparents she likely would always be that battered, broken child they’d seen in the hospital after the car accident.
If she wanted a lover, she probably would have to wait until she finished her postgraduate studies, when Bess and Scott had planned to move to Florida.
She’d just never met anyone who attracted her since then, and her young and innocent looks didn’t appeal to men.
She also wanted more than just a nice, safe relationship, but that also seemed unlikely.
There’s nothing wrong with you, Reuben had assured her when she’d confided in him. You’ve just got something that other girls will never have. Be careful who you tell, don’t rush it, and someday you’ll meet a guy who understands.
Back when she had first met him, Rebecca had been very confused.
That day they had taken her to a huge room filled with odd-looking workout equipment.
The big, dark man who had walked up and greeted her looked like a gangster with his bald head and gauges filling the big holes in his ear lobes.
He also had two fingers missing on his right hand and walked with a noticeable limp.
“Hi, Ms. McIan. I’m Reuben Dane, your therapist.” He shook her hand like she was an adult before he wheeled her over to an odd-looking padded bench.
“We’re going to work on stretching and strengthening the muscles in your legs and back before we tackle teaching you to walk again. It’s going to hurt, but in a good way.”
“How can hurting be good?” she had to ask.
“I went through something like you a long time ago.” Reuben pulled up his pant leg to reveal one of his calves was just a steel bar. “Not everyone gets to keep their legs, either, Becs. Pain means you’re getting better. Pain’s your friend.”
At first the exercises hurt so much Rebecca thought she’d start crying halfway through the session.
The fear that something would hurt before it actually did kept her on high alert.
Yet as she looked up at the bald man, the other thing happened, too: a strange sensation welled up from her belly and made the place between her legs go all hot and tingly.
After her sessions Reuben would give her a big hug, which made her shivery and achy.
She started to crave those hugs, and all the work she put in to earn them, too.
Pain was her friend, and Reuben was her friend. Maybe it was okay to be like this; she wasn’t hurting anyone else.
Bess and Jack McIan would have been shocked and horrified if she’d even hinted about her strange experiences.
They still thought of her as a little girl.
She hadn’t grown close to any of the nurses on her floor, either, so she couldn’t confide in them.
The only person she truly trusted was Reuben, who had already assured her that anything they talked about would go no further.
After a long time Rebecca asked him to take her for a walk outside after her session, and then nervously confided in him about what she’d been experiencing without mentioning specific details.
Reuben listened seriously to what she said, and then asked her if she wanted to talk to a doctor who could help her understand what she was going through.
“Do I have to?” she asked. “I’m not upset or sad like I was after the accident. I just want to understand why I’m like this.”
“Then you have to be careful who you tell about this, Becs,” he told her. “Not everyone understands we’re wired different from them.”
That startled her. “You’re the same way?”
“Let’s just say yeah, kinda.” He smiled. “At first I didn’t understand what was happening to me, either. Then a friend explained it to me, and it made sense.”
“Your girlfriend?” she couldn’t help asking.
Reuben laughed. “No, honey, my boyfriend. I’m gay.”
“Oh.” That almost crushed her to know, but at the same time it also gave her a little relief. She wanted to wait until she was better before she had her first love, and her therapist could never be that. “So what should I do about it? Nothing?”