Chapter 3
Landon
Moving out of my mom’s house and into the dorms was supposed to make my life easier.
It didn’t. Fear still clings to me all the time. Hell, it may as well be my middle name at this point. Landon Fear Carter.
Afraid to come out. Afraid to explore. Afraid that I won’t be able to keep my true self hidden forever.
My mom is the epitome of Christian conservative.
I love her, and I know she loves me. Or she loves who she thinks I am, anyway.
Sometimes, I’m not sure how far that love would actually go.
The fear is crippling, and even though I have had crushes on girls, I’ve never felt right about saying anything about it.
Because I’ve never been attracted to just girls. And the fear of giving her false hope…
It’s not fun at all.
College was supposed to be about me finding myself, and that’s why I chose one so far from home. I didn’t expect my mom to put her house up for sale and follow me. That’s weird behavior. But it’s her behavior.
Mom went on and on about how she wasn’t ready to let her only little boy go. Never mind the fact that I’m twenty and have been trying to distance myself from her since my teen years when I realized something about me wasn’t… right.
Well, that’s not entirely true. I don’t actually believe what the pastor says about gay people, but I know she does—she has to, right?—and that’s enough to have me in a constant spiral.
Will she find out? Will she disown me?
Will I ever just be free to be happy and myself?
This year, things are going to be different.
They have to be.
I can’t keep living with all the questions. I can’t keep living without knowing who I am or what I want. Ben’s big hazel eyes flash in my mind, and my stomach heats. Okay, so I’m pretty sure I know at least a little of what I want.
Sometimes I’d swear he’s flirting with me, but I also have no frame of reference, so who can be sure? Certainly not me. I know he’s a nice guy, and that he took me under his wing immediately, but maybe that’s just who he is.
Maybe the way he winks and stares at me for longer than is strictly polite means nothing. And the absolute last thing I need is to ruin one of the few friendships I’ve built here by assuming it’s anything more than that. I’m not even sure that I want him to be flirting with me.
I’m so in my head that I’m not paying any attention to where I’m going, and when I turn a corner, I slam into someone so hard things go flying down the hallway.
“Jesus Christ, what is wrong with you?”
The words are spoken with bite and anger, but the voice is sweet and almost musical. I’m opening my mouth to apologize when I’m met with a blue-eyed stare that nearly bowls me over.
“Seriously? You think because you’re a damn giant that you can just go around knocking people over?”
I mean, in football, that pretty much is my whole job. “No, of course not.”
The guy runs a hand through his messed-up white-blond hair, then rolls his eyes. “Well, are you just gonna stand there, or are you going to help me?”
My body moves on autopilot as I kneel to start picking things up.
I’ve gathered all the paintbrushes and pencils when a drawing catches my eye.
My face heats when I realize it’s Ben. Naked and sketched perfectly, each line and detail of his body realized in perfect clarity.
This guy even sketched neatly trimmed hair around his cock.
It’s so realistic that mine gives a twitch in my jeans, and I quickly look away. This must be one of the people in that art class who drew Ben the other day.
He snatches the paper out of my hand, glaring at me. “Stop looking at my art, weirdo. What’s wrong with you?”
My throat goes dry. Fuck, he’s pretty. Even when he’s glaring. Especially when he’s glaring. I swallow hard, embarrassed when my throat clicks. “I’m sorry.”
“You know what? You should be.”
I have to bite my lip to keep from smiling. “I am. I was lost in my head and not paying attention.”
With a glare still etched on his pretty face, he holds a hand out. It takes me a second to realize he’s waiting for me to give his stuff back. I hold it out wordlessly, and he takes it from me with a huffed breath.
“I’m Landon,” I hear myself saying.
The guy’s eyes soften for just a second, but then they tighten around the edges, and he sneers at me. “Good for you.”
I almost laugh. Almost. But before I can get another word out, he’s pushing to his feet and leaving me standing alone in the hallway.
Damn.
I’m dragging ass today, so when Ben texts me and asks if I want to get coffee before class, it’s not even a question.
For one, I enjoy hanging out with him. Yeah, he looks like a Greek god with impossibly chiseled features and a body that looks carved from stone, and sure, I definitely get strange butterflies when he winks at me.
But more than any of that stuff, he’s just fun to hang out with.
He’s basically the human version of a golden retriever. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen him being mean to anyone. Ever. He’s constantly smiling, and he doesn’t know a stranger.
I’m waiting outside the coffee shop when he comes strolling down the sidewalk. As soon as I see his face, all I can think about is that guy’s drawing. His defined abs, the deep V of his hips, and the way his cock hung heavy between his legs. “Hey.” He waves, shooting me a wide grin when he sees me.
“Hey,” I say back, my face practically on fire. I’m starting to wonder if I’m the most awkward person alive. Hopefully, he thinks I’m just being my normal weird. It would be really embarrassing if he knew I was thinking about that naked sketch of him. “Thanks for the invite.”
He beats me to the door, then holds it open and gestures for me to go inside. The scent of pastries and coffee hits me as soon as we step through the door. This coffee shop is always busy, and for good reason.
It truly has the best coffee I’ve ever had, and even when I’m running behind, I stop almost every morning to get a chocolate chip muffin and an iced coffee with an extra shot of espresso.
“Fuck,” Ben groans, and the sound makes heat prickle along my skin. Jesus Christ. Definitely into guys. “Practice kicked my ass. I’m still sore.”
“Never thought I’d be so happy to be a backup.”
Sure, I practice hard and I work out, but not like the starters do.
Ben laughs, throwing his head back. “Yeah, West was a damn beast. I don’t know how he managed it.”
“West is really impressive.” And he is. He rallies the team and works harder than anyone else. It’s impressive and, honestly, inspiring. We lapse into silence while we wait in line.
God, I’m so awkward.
“So,” I start, taking a step forward when the line moves. “How was your art class?”
I shouldn’t have asked that. What if my mouth somehow betrays me and I let it slip that I saw? Fuck Landon, what is wrong with you?
If Ben finds it weird that I mentioned it, he doesn’t show it. He just lets out a booming laugh that has half the people in the coffee shop turning to look at him. “It was kind of weird. Fun, but weird—just being balls-out in the middle of a room full of people staring at you.”
There’s something… rough about his voice, and it has my face burning all over again. “Could never be me.”
“Sure it could,” Ben says, stepping closer to the counter. Thankfully, there are only a couple more people in the line in front of us because I’m ready to get off this ride before I embarrass myself. “You just have to let go of your inhibitions a little.”
He bumps me with his shoulder, then winks.
Him and that wink are going to be the death of me; I just know it.
I shrug. “Yeah, maybe.” Not happening. I don’t have a body like his. I’m soft in places where he’s not. Sure, I’m strong, but I’m more teddy bear than Greek statue, and I could never bare… all that to a group of people.
When we get to the counter and I order, I pull my wallet out to pay. Before I can grab my card, Ben’s reaching past me and handing a twenty-dollar bill to the barista.
“I’ll take a chai latte, please, and this is for both orders.”
The woman takes his money with a smile, then hands him his change while I stand in stunned silence, my wallet still clutched in my hand.
We step off to the side while we wait for our order to be completed, and I squint at Ben. “Why did you pay for mine?”
“Why not?” He raises a shoulder, then scans the room like he’s looking for someone before his eyes settle on mine. “We’re friends, right? That’s what friends do.”
My gut sinks. Friends.
It makes sense, but I think I’ve answered my own question. I did hope Ben’s behavior was more than just friendliness.
I can’t help but feel disappointed.