Chapter 9 #3
Danessa’s mouth bunched into a dubious pucker. “She’s transactional. I don’t know if love should ever be that.”
“I don’t know, at the end of the day we all want something. Men want sex and a baddie on their arm. Women want a provider and a man over six feet tall.”
“I don’t believe that. That’s what people say because they’re afraid of being hurt. But when you peel back the layers at the end of the day, people want to be loved … sincerely.” I looked at her as if she’d just beamed in from another planet. “Don’t tell me you’ve become jaded.”
She had to break into a slight jog to keep up with my long strides, so I switched direction, walking backward in front of her. “I’m not jaded. I just live in the real world. People are not looking for love. They’re more interested in status, likes, and views.”
“Not everyone.”
“Danessa you are the exception, not the rule.”
“Well, I still believe in love and that each of us has our own person.”
I forced a smile at the realization she didn’t see me as her person if she was holding out for someone better.
“What?” she looked at me.
“Nah, you just said a mouthful.” I turned forward, needing a minute to hide my disappointment.
“So did you leave the party because of your confrontation with Colin?”
No, because I’m an addict in a new city with no support system in place. “It just wasn’t my scene.”
“Because of Colin Pratt?”
I jerked my shoulders. “I think Colin Pratt hates me.”
“Well technically you’re his replacement. It would be a shock if he didn’t.” She hooked her arm in mine and our steps synced.
“You’re right but I didn’t expect him to be so vocal about it. I thought he’d be passive-aggressive. That I could handle. It would be like talking to my dad.”
Her features darkened. “How is your dad?”
“I’d rather we talk about Colin.” My father was a lot of things and one of them was my biggest hater.
My mother made excuses for him, claiming he had a rough childhood and despite his lack of enthusiasm, he was very proud of me.
He wasn’t proud, he was jealous. You don’t expect that from your parents, but that’s what it all boiled down to.
His son was living the life he wished he could.
I could see it in his bloodshot eyes, he would sell his soul for a do-over or a reset button.
But the thing about that is a reset wouldn’t change the fact he’s a gambler and an alcoholic who would rather spend his last dime at a casino or racetrack before using it to provide for his family.
Danessa knew about my history with my father and the disappointment and anger that clouded our relationship. “How do you plan to coexist with Colin?”
“I plan to perform and once I start solidifying wins, all that bravado Colin is carrying around will dissipate.”
“He’s still the starting point guard.”
I scanned the area. The museum was closed and there was no one else around. “Actually, I’m going to be starting.”
“What, the Ramblers are going to bench their star player?”
“I don’t even think Coach has shared that with Colin yet. But yeah, I’ll be replacing him in the starting lineup.”
“No pressure.”
“Pressure I can handle. I came out of the womb feeling the pressure.” According to my mother, I was born with the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck. The doctor had to resuscitate me.
“When Colin finds out—”
“He’s probably going to be looking for a fight.”
“You could pull him aside and have a conversation man to man.”
“That’s not my responsibility. I’m here to win and if Colin stays out of my way, we’ll all go home with a ring.”
“Being an athlete requires balls of steel. Because I could never.”
“Don’t act like you’re not competitive. Miss Delta Phi Omega … cheerleading captain … debate team co-chair … Black Student Alliance president.”
Danessa held a hand up like she was warding off my words. “That was a long time ago.”
“I hate when you do that.”
“What?”
“Sell yourself short.”
“It’s just hard to explain.”
“I’m listening.”
“Everything has just come easy to you.”
My face crumpled. “I grew up in the hood with a mother who worked two jobs and a father who barely kept a job because he was always drunk.”
“I know and that sucked. I’m not trying to downplay that. But you’ve always been smart, handsome, and athletic. It’s like God endowed you with the tools to be successful despite your circumstances.”
Stopping, I looked at her straight on. “Danessa you’re way smarter than me. And far better looking.”
“I had to study every night to maintain my GPA. While you barely cracked open a book and aced every test.”
“That doesn’t mean that God didn’t … What did you call it? Endow you with gifts.”
“According to my mother my face card and phat ass are my gifts.”
“I mean … that shit doesn’t ever decline. It’s like you have no spending limit shit is always getting approved.”
“I don’t want to be just a pretty face.”
“I don’t see you that way.”
“You have to say shit like that. You’re my friend.”
Anytime she said that word it was like being inflicted with a thousand paper cuts. Yes, I was her friend. But the concept of being only her friend was taking some getting used to. “Are you calling me a liar?”
“No.” She drawled out the O and ended her statement with a pout.
“Nooooo,” I mimicked, nudging her with my shoulder. “So what’s it been like being back home?” We took to walking again.
“When I first came back, I had to move in with my mother. Anika was shacked up with some soccer player at the time.”
Frown lines creased grooves around my mouth. “Oh no.”
“Yeah, it was enlightening to say the least. I stayed with her for six weeks, and each one of those days I imagined burying her in the yard.”
“So you found your own place?”
“It was a studio. Tiny. But it was all mine. I own my place now, but I’m still so proud of that first apartment. The shower leaked and the landlord was creepy, but I got to make my own rules. And I didn’t have to bump into strange men on my way to the bathroom at night.”
“I can respect that. You’ve never been one for handouts.”
“In Jemini’s opinion, that is a moral failing.”
“She just wanted you to be her scam partner,” I joked.
“Do you know she’s currently dating a linebacker from the Raiders?”
“I mean … your mom is fine as hell.”
“Eww.” She shoved me hard. “I’ve heard that all my life. She’s forty-seven dating twenty-year-olds.”
“Momma’s gotta live too.”
Danessa pretended to throw up.
“You didn’t have to leave the party because of me.”
“Kinda did, you were freaking out over Colin.”
“I wasn’t freaking out.”
“You were all sweaty and zoned out.”
“Nah, that was about something else.”
“Did one of your exes show up unexpectedly?”
“No, you were my only ex in attendance.”
“Well, whatever it is, just know that if you ever need to talk I’ve got you.”
“I appreciate that.” I wasn’t prepared to see the disappointment in her eyes when I told her about my past. There were still hints of the young man Danessa fell head over heels for.
The kid that was just happy to be out of his city and was using basketball as a means to escape.
In my mind I was good at sports, and it allowed me access to some of the best schools in the country.
Shit, these institutions made billions off the free labor of athletes.
So while they were using me for NCAA championships, I was using them for an education and networking that could serve me in the future.
“You know … you’re not alone.”
“Really, cause I’m feeling like a one-man show right now.”
“That’s because you push people away.”
“I don’t.”
“You do. Even when we were dating you would go MIA on me.”
“You don’t know everything.”
“You’re right, I don’t.”
“It’s not like how it was when you and I were in college. You’d think with all this money and fame shit would be easy. But it’s harder and the stakes are higher. And if I fail, I let a bunch of people down.”
“You could run away from it all and become a first-grade teacher.”
“I’d actually love that.”
“Sounds like buyer’s remorse.”
“Look, I’m the last person who has a right to complain. I’ve gotten almost everything I’ve ever wanted.”
“What’s missing?”
She was missing. Everything was bitter after she left.
My success was overcast by a shadow because all I’d ever wanted to do was share my happiness with her.
Sometimes love can wreck you. Shatter you into a million little pieces.
I’ve tried to put myself back together, but I’ve never been the same.
It’s like gluing the pieces of a broken vase, it may still function, hold water, house flowers but it’s different.
Losing Danessa permanently altered how I saw myself.
I looked behind us, realizing the past few minutes all passed in a blur of twinkly lights. “You are the worst tour guide ever.”
“I’m a multitasker.”
“Less talking, more flashing lights.”