18. Noah
CHAPTER 18
NOAH
“You own this place?”
As Maddie darts up the stairs to her room, I lean against the wall and try to hide my amusement. Sabrina normally keeps her emotions carefully guarded, but right now she can’t hide her awe.
“Yes.” I slide my hands into my pockets. “A lot of players keep places in Monaco. It’s nice to have a home base nearby while we’re playing in Europe.”
“I knew you had a place here, but I didn’t expect…” She spins again, drinking it all in, then stops in front of me. “How rich are you?” Her question is laced with amusement, yet it’s almost accusatory too.
“Very.”
I’m not going to get into the specifics of my finances with her, but I’ve won a lot of tournaments and championships, and I’ve landed some lucrative sponsorships over the years. With some smart investments, I’ve set myself and Maddie up to live more than comfortably.
“Where do I sleep?”
Straightening, I nod toward the stairs. “I’ll show you.”
I motion for her to go first, because it’s the gentlemanly thing to do, but instantly curse myself because now the perfect, full curves of her ass are at eye-level.
It’s like I’m subconsciously trying to sabotage myself.
Keeping my hands off the nanny should be easy. But there’s nothing easy about my feelings for Sabrina. They’re fucking confusing, especially since I haven’t so much as given another woman a second look since Annie, let alone found myself consumed by one. Only Annie has ever made me feel that way.
Until now.
And I can’t help but think it’s a betrayal to her memory to want another woman the way I wanted my wife.
I force my gaze away from Sabrina’s ass, instead focusing on my feet.
At the landing, she pauses and waits for me to lead her down the hall. We pass Maddie’s room, where she’s already playing with her dollhouse. I may do a lot of things wrong, but I take pride in her willingness to play with toys rather than stay glued to electronics like so many kids. It’s only a matter of time, though, before she cares more about boys and texting and social media than she does these things.
“It’s down here,” I say, avoiding eye contact.
In my periphery, she frowns. She must think I have some sort of mood disorder, and I can’t really blame her. The hot and cold routine I’ve got going on annoys the shit out of me. I can only imagine how frustrating it is for her.
Gently, I open a door on the left. Because I’m an asshole and I clearly love torturing myself, I’ve put her in the room closest to the master. Though I tell myself this room is the best choice because it gives her the most privacy from Maddie.
I step aside to let her in, watching as the same awe she wore downstairs paints itself across her face.
Annie designed the guest room. It’s light pink and beige. Feminine but elegant. She lovingly picked out every piece of furniture and the bedcovers. And now, the woman I shouldn’t have feelings for will be sleeping here.
Annie would want me to move on.
She made me promise I would keep my heart open for a second chance at love.
That does nothing to ease the guilt that threatens to choke me like the ghost of her hand around my throat.
Sabrina turns to me with a soft smile. “It’s beautiful.”
“Annie designed it.”
The smile remains, but sadness swims in her eyes. “She had excellent taste.”
“Thanks.” I stand awkwardly in the doorway, not sure what I should do or say. I haven’t felt this way since I was a teenager. When I’m in Sabrina’s presence, every ounce of confidence in my body dissipates. Her presence alone strips me bare.
We stare at each other for a moment before she breaks the spell and moves past me out of the room.
“Where are you going?” I blurt, spinning on my heel.
She stops in the doorway and glances back. “To get my bags.”
“No.” I take one big step toward her. “I’ll get them.”
Scoffing, she crosses her arms. “I’m capable of carrying my stuff up a set of stairs, Noah.”
“Just let me do it.” I hurry past her and down the stairs before she can stop me.
I throw her duffel bag over my shoulder and grab her suitcase, then roll it over to the stairway. At the top landing, she peers down at me, her lips turned down and her hands on her full hips.
“Do you feel better now? More masculine?”
“Yep.” I hustle up the stairs without breaking a sweat and carry her stuff straight to her room. Once I’ve set it all down, I brush my hands together and survey the space.
Behind me, she clears her throat. “Unless you need me to do something with Maddie right now, I’m going to shower.”
My heart stutters. Fuck, I’m an idiot, standing in her space, staring at nothing. “Oh, yeah. Right. Shower. You should do that.”
She arches a brow. “Do I smell?”
“No,” I say too quickly and speed walk out of the room. “Enjoy your shower.” The whole way downstairs, I berate myself for imagining her wet and naked.
In the kitchen, I stop in front of the full wall of windows that overlooks the well-maintained garden beyond, thankful the guy I pay to take care of it is doing his job.
Scrubbing a hand over my face, I turn to the fully stocked refrigerator, grateful for the opportunity to cook. During the season, we eat out far more than I like, so when I’m at home in Texas or here, I make meals as often as I can. Annie did the majority of the cooking when she was alive, but when she got sick, I took over and realized how much I actually enjoy it.
My housekeeper picked up ingredients for several meals, including fajitas, so I pull what I need out and get to work.
I need the distraction.
Being in Sabrina’s proximity so much has made it virtually impossible to get her out of my head.
“Promise me,” Annie whispers in my head. “Promise me you’ll love again. You deserve that, Noah.” Her hand was cool against my cheek, wiping my tears away.
“No,” I told her.
She smiled softly. “One day you’ll meet someone, I know you will, and it’s okay. Loving someone else doesn’t mean you’ve loved me any less.”
Selfless until the very end.
This time I have to wipe my own tears away.
At the sound of feet on the stairs, I shut myself in the pantry and focus on my breathing, trying to get control of my emotions. I don’t want either of them seeing me like this.
My plan is thwarted, though, when the door swings open and reveals a confused Maddie.
“Why are you in the pantry? Are you crying ?”
“I’m fine.” I clear my throat and sniff, then squat down on her level, taking her hands in mine. “I was thinking about Mommy, and I got sad.”
“Oh.” She touches my cheek gently, her hazel eyes full of sympathy and pain. “Can we be sad together?”
My heart catches, and new tears threaten to fall. “Yeah, we can be sad together.”
I pull her into my arms and settle on the floor, where we stay, just hugging, for a good long while. I’ll finish cooking later.
“Sabrina,” Maddie calls out, peeping over the back of the couch. “Come watch the movie with us.”
The woman I can’t stop thinking about sways like she’s trying to decide between staying and fleeing. She twists the cap off the water bottle she came down to get, then puts it back on. Her legs are bare, and her tank is so thin it’s impossible not to notice her puckered nipples beneath it.
“Why aren’t you in bed, missy?”
“Dad said I could stay up and watch a movie. We do this sometimes.”
Sabrina shifts her weight from foot to foot but doesn’t come closer. “And you want me to join? You don’t want to spend time with just your dad?”
Maddie giggles like the idea of her wanting to do anything one-on-one with me is preposterous. “If I did, then I wouldn’t have asked.”
With her lip caught between her teeth, Sabrina glances at the stairs.
“You’re welcome to join us,” I tell her, thinking that maybe it’s my permission she’s waiting for. “But we understand if you want to go to bed.”
Maddie pouts at that, but I want to give Sabrina an out in case she needs it.
I know better than anyone how hard it is to let Maddie down.
“I… I guess I could stay for a bit.”
“Yay!” Maddie scoots to the far end of the couch and pats the space she’s left between me and her. Oh, fuck. “Sit here.”
Sabrina’s eyes flare wide with fear, like she’d rather do anything but, though without complaint, she eases onto the cushion.
Maddie spreads her blanket over her nanny’s lap so they’re sharing, then snuggles up to her side, using Sabrina’s arm as a pillow.
I force myself to look at the TV, though I’m not actually paying attention. I can’t focus on anything other than the woman at my side. It’s torture being this close to her. Wanting her but knowing I can’t have her.
I pinch the bridge of my nose, gathering my self-control.
My eyes are closed when she puts a gentle hand on my forearm. “Are you okay?”
“Headache,” I lie.
We’re already halfway through the movie, so I only have to make it another hour or so.
Thankfully, Maddie is zonked out less than fifteen minutes later.
“I’ll carry her to bed.” I toss the blanket off my lap and move the popcorn bowl so I don’t accidentally knock it over.
Sabrina holds still, her hands clasped in her lap, while I lift Maddie off the couch. As I head for the stairs, she stands and starts straightening up the room.
“You don’t need to do that. Go to bed.”
“It’s not a problem,” she insists, picking up the popcorn bowl.
She won’t look at me. Probably because she’s picking up on the weird energy I’m sending out.
“All right. Thank you.”
I take the stairs slowly, then ease my little girl into her bed and tuck the covers up and around her. It’s cliché, I know, but it really does feel like we just brought her home from the hospital. She was so tiny. Like a little tater tot. That’s what I had told Annie. Now that baby is closer to being a teenager than a newborn.
I turn her sound machine on and plug in her nightlight, then press a kiss to her forehead and ease out of her room.
Movement catches my eye, startling me a little, and I find Sabrina frozen in the hall, almost to her room.
“Did she stay asleep?”
I nod.
We linger there in the hall, about six feet of space between us. It would be so easy for me to close that distance. Kiss her the way I’ve been thinking about since that first time.
I’ve tried so hard to get that night out of my head, but it’s damn near impossible.
Before I can do anything stupid, she takes a step back and breaks the silence between us. “All right. Well, good night, then.”
Thank fuck one of us is thinking rationally.
“Mhm.” I clear my throat. “Night.”
She disappears into her room, and I stare at my door for a solid thirty seconds before I head into the master bathroom for a cold shower.