16. Rae
Rae
Istare at myself in the mirror, Asher’s question replaying over and over in mind like it has since the night he asked me the first time.
Who am I?
Who is Rae Colver?
My answer has remained the same as it did that night. I don’t know.
I thought doing things outside my typical comfort zone would help me figure it out, but all it’s done is confuse me even more.
I’m looking directly into my eyes in the mirror, my hair is draped around me.
The red has darkened as I’ve gotten older.
I remember when I was young my mom would call it a strawberry blonde, but I feel like it’s become more strawberry than blonde.
My body became more toned on tour from all the dancing. I’ve always been fit but not skinny, and I’ve felt myself getting stronger with all the activity.
I expected to look different because inside I feel different after what has happened with both Asher and Grayson.
God, what’s happened with both of them.
But I don’t. I look the exact same as I did before. Only now, I know what it’s like when Grayson talks me through it, what his dick looks like, and what Asher looks and feels like with his head buried between my thighs.
I drop my face into my hands and let out a small scream.
My phone has unanswered texts from both of them because I don’t know what to say.
I’ve thought about talking to one person who I know would understand, but she’s practically another mom to me and there’s no way I could get through a conversation about this.
Chandler is great, and she isn’t shy about choosing to spend her life with three men, living what some would claim is an unusual lifestyle.
I don’t even know if that’s what I would want to do, or if this would even lead there. Asher doesn’t seem like the type to settle down…ever so I don’t even know why I’m entertaining the thought.
Which may be the whole point, especially because I want to figure myself out and maybe the way to do that is to not look too much into this. Just do what feels good, go with the flow. Embrace the uncomfortable.
Do what scares me.
And I’m fucking terrified.
But I still want to talk to someone. Unfortunately my best friend who I would normally talk to about something like this is now involved.
I scroll through my texts and decide to call Maya; she’s close to my age and has had her own set of close friend drama with my brother. Though, I think she’s over it now; I’m sure she’s outgrown her crush she had on Steele.
She answers with a simple, “Hey.”
“Hey, are you busy?”
“I’m about to be. I just got to the rink for practice,”
I look down at my feet, I should’ve known she would be busy. She’s an amazing figure skater, and is going to the next Olympics, so she has practice all the time.
“Of course.” I chuckle.
“Everything okay?” I hear shuffling like she’s grabbing a bag of gear.
“Oh yeah, it’s…yeah, it’s great.”
She lets out a low laugh. “Are you sure about that?”
“Do you ever think you could have a relationship like your parents?” I blurt.
“Uh,” she huffs. “That would require multiple men wanting me, which is not likely to happen.”
“Have you ever walked by a mirror?”
Maya is beautiful, both her and her sister are. They have their mom’s brown hair, and hazel eyes. No one knows who their biological dads are, but I have my guess. Though, I’ll never admit it to anyone.
“I don’t just mean looks wise,” she corrects. “I can be stubborn, and focused on my own thing, I know you get that. It can be intimidating to some people. Plus, I don’t have the time to deal with guys right now.”
I nod, fully understanding what she means. “True, who needs them, anyway?”
“Exactly. I can call you after practice if you want.”
“I’ll be here.”
We hang up and I feel a little better, but also still completely unsure. I come face to face with the two text threads next to each other at the top of my phone. Both unread, and both feel like they have timers about to blow up my entire life.
Instead of responding to either of them right now, I go back to my piano to keep working on the song I’ve started. Even though I’m questioning my choices and many things in my life. The one thing I’m sure of is music.
Even with this song sounding so different from anything I’ve written before, it may end up being my favorite. It’s the only thing keeping me somewhat sane in this moment. While also being a way for me to get out everything I’m feeling in a way that feels productive.
It’s like therapy. That’s why by the time I feel like my mind and hands are tapped out, I know what I want to do.
I want to push myself even more. If I’m going to figure out who I am, I’m not going to do that by playing it safe. That’s what I’ve been doing my whole life, and that’s what’s started all of this.
My phone that’s been left abandoned while I worked is full of texts, but I only respond to two of them for now.
Grayson comes back soon, and we need to see each other to figure this out.
Asher is here, but I don’t know if I can face him alone after what happened.
I’m going to push through my anxieties and insecurities and get this figured out once and for all. Including getting to answer Asher’s question.
I wish I had more friends, but it’s hard with the life I live. Growing up with famous parents it made it hard to know who to trust, and I got burned too many times to count. It sucks, but it’s kept my circle small, and I’ve never minded until right now.
I’ve spent the last several days continuing to get lost in my music.
I talked to my mom a couple times, and I know she can tell I’m struggling, but I didn’t go into details with her.
She doesn’t need to know everything going on.
I also chose not to bother Maya too much more because I know she has enough on her plate.
There’s also been a fog over me; I try to shake it, and maybe I’m just losing my mind a bit.
But I always check in with my security if there’s been any other questionable things.
They always tell me no, but I’m worried they don’t want me to know.
There’s just a feeling I have that I don’t know how to explain.
I almost feel like I’m being watched. It’s unnerving.
I try to do everything I can to distract myself. Even watching hockey hasn’t kept me distracted enough because I watch Grayson and wonder what he’s thinking, what is going to happen when he’s back. And what our relationship is going to look like after I bring him and Asher together.
This is either going to be the greatest thing I’ve ever done, or it’s going to blow up in my face.