9. Monozygotic Nightmare
MONOZYGOTIC NIGHTMARE
All I did was heel my shoes off before plopping on the couch.
Tonight was an absolute shit show. We truly need to get some more dependable boat captains. Frank has called out at least once a month for the past three months, and it’s usually Ben or myself who has to pick up the slack.
I rarely mind, but tonight’s bachelorette party went off the absolute fucking rails. Had women throwing up off the side of the boat, and two of the women had to be pulled off one another during a drunken fight.
I won’t say I’m getting too old for this shit, because I refuse. Thirty-five is the new twenty-five and I stand by that. However, I’m exhausted and that one spot on my lower back has been killing me lately. I’ll have to book a massage and get that knot taken care of in these next two weeks.
Not having the desire to get up and make my way to my room, I grab the remote and put on a background show and shut my eyes. Just a quick nap, once Ben gets home I’ll wake up and crawl my ass into the shower and get to bed.
When I glance at my phone, I notice he hasn’t messaged me and it’s pretty late. Maybe he found something fun to do tonight at Avalon—lucky bastard.
It feels like we’ve been working so hard these past six months to make the businesses work.
Getting the club set up has been a massive undertaking.
I thought I’d hate the responsibility, but I’ve actually loved it, even if I am bone ass fucking tired right now.
It’s all worth it, being able to work with my brother and have our own thing.
I’m sure it’s not what our parents envisioned for us, but they still seem proud.
Their approval isn’t something I personally seek, but I know that it’s important to Ben.
My eyes slowly shut, my phone resting on top of my chest as the front door opens. I blink lazily as Ben comes into the living room. He doesn’t take a seat, and he just paces over by the TV. He looks a little manic, and his hair seems like it's wet, which is unusual, it wasn’t raining outside.
“I thought we gave up coke after you nearly drowned,” I say, and he stops moving and glances down at me, his hand rubbing the back of his neck.
“I’m not on anything.”
“Then why are you frantically pacing all over the place?”
“Do you remember a woman named Kate? She came to the bar a couple of months ago?”
I sit up on the edge of the couch, looking at my brother, the clear as day guilt written all over his face. I can nearly feel it radiating off of him.
“What did you do?” I ask with an arched brow, instead of answering his question.
Of course I remember Kate. The way she melted against my touch and listened so sweetly. The way I wanted to do more, go further, but didn’t because it wasn’t appropriate. I also know she hasn’t been back to the bar since that night.
“She was at Avalon tonight.”
“Okay?” I say, holding out my hands in confusion.
“Do you remember back in school when we used to switch places? How funny we thought it was that people couldn’t tell us a part. Like that one time you went and took my AP Spanish test for me and I took your AP Bio test for you?” He licks his lips and shoves his hands in his pockets.
“Ben. What did you do?” I scold him, but do my best to not raise my voice. Ben is pacing back and forth
“I maybe, sort of, possibly didn’t correct her when she assumed I was the man she hooked up with at the bar a few months ago,” he says and I blink at him.
“You did what?”
“She was just so pretty. You’ve seen her, you know what she looks like.
Both of our fucking types,” he says, pacing again.
“She mentioned the fact that we—well, you—hooked up a few months ago, and I didn’t correct her.
I was going to and then she took out this list of all the things she wants to do. ”
I rub the meat of my palms against my eyes, my vision going splotchy.
My brows furrow, my brain trying to catch up with everything that Ben is saying. “She likes what you like?” I question.
I’m not sure why that’s the first question I ask after he’s basically admitted to lying to this woman and using my experience with her in the process.
Ben clears his throat. “Yeah, and she was fucking good at it, Gav. Like, fuck. I can’t remember the last time it was that good, like we were in sync with what we both wanted from the night.
She wasn’t trying to degrade me or make me small.
I know I shouldn’t have done it. I know that it’s fucked up and I’m sorry for not setting the record straight, but it happened fast and then I was caught up in everything and she was so happy at the end of the night and so was I, and I just… I fucked up.”
I take a deep breath, looking at my brother while he’s spiraling. It’s harder for him than it is for me.
Finding women who want to be submissive, who are willing to do what I tell them, is fairly easy. Ben has a harder time finding what he’s looking for. When we have sex with women together, it’s easier because I call the shots. I can direct the situation so that we both enjoy ourselves.
It’s stupid, really. I’m only two minutes older than Ben, but it’s always felt like it’s my job to protect him.
I would never say it out loud to anyone in my family, but he’s the person I love more than anyone in the world.
I know you’re supposed to say you love your siblings equally.
But Ben and I? We shared a womb. We are our parents’ worst monozygotic nightmare, the same genetic material tying us together for life.
Every stage of life we’ve had, we’ve walked it together.
Our brothers were also always so much older than us, it’s really only been the last decade that we’ve gotten really close.
Ben is my person beyond anyone else, and as irritated as I may be about him not telling Kate the truth, I’m more worried about him.
“She wants to see you at Avalon again?” I ask.
He nods, his face that’s an exact mirror of mine, looking to me for answers.
“What about when she asks you to take control, Ben? What if she wants to do other things on her list that aren’t what you’re into?”
His Adam’s apple bobs, and it’s clear he hadn’t thought that far, only considered how I was going to react to his deception.
“You know how I am. You have some idea of what happened that night. There’s a good chance she’s going to want that side of you—us—whatever the fuck, at some point.”
“Fuck,” he hisses, coming to sit next to me on the couch. “Do you remember her?”
I contemplate my answer, and in an effort to protect my brother, I do something we never do between one another; I lie.
“Maybe? Only because it wasn’t at Avalon,” I say, right through my teeth.
I remember her well. Unpracticed, eager to try new things, excited to please me while still asking for what she wanted. Maybe I could see her being with my brother after all. Maybe these months since her divorce she’s been able to find her voice. Good for her.
“This isn’t like when we were in school, Ben. You’ve gotta come clean or else this is going to eat you up, and it isn’t fair to her, either.”
“Fuck. I know, I know you’re right. I don’t know why I lied. Fuck,” he says again, flinging his back against the couch and grabbing a pillow against his stomach.
“We can go together. We’ll explain everything. If she wants nothing to do with either of us, then so be it. There will be other women.”
“She was just,” he says, shaking his head. “Nevermind, it doesn’t matter. You’re right. I have to come clean before we sleep together again. I’m not even sure I could get hard with this weight on my conscience.”
“I mean, you did it the first time,” I joke.
“I deserve that. That was before I knew how good it was,” he says, resting his head and looking at me.
“How was Sunday dinner?” I ask, trying to change the topic and let myself process everything.
“Ugh. The usual. Mom’s trying to pimp me out to some woman again. Jessa finished our shirt design. It’s in our email. Lincoln was cranky per usual, and our niece reminded me why I never want to have kids.”
“Indeed, the usual.”
“You know, I thought you were going to be more pissed than this,” he says, and I shrug.
“She’s just a woman. You’re my brother. I just want you to be okay.”
“You’ll really come with me?”
“Of course, but the next three captains that cancel, you’re covering their shifts,” I say, pushing his shoulder, shoving him into the corner of the couch. “I’m going to bed, we’ll figure out a game plan later.”
Ben gives me a small smile, but doesn’t get off the couch as I make my way over to my bedroom. Alone in my room, I’m allowed to let myself feel the frustration of what my brother did. Here I’m allowed to have the selfish thoughts I wouldn’t tell him.
Like most things, I’ll let this go.
It’s easier to not dwell on shit, to not let it get to you. Because when you let things get under your skin, you’re no longer the one in control.
I’m always in control.
I’ll get it sorted, just like I always do.