23. Second Guessing
SECOND GUESSING
The bathroom is darkly lit, with the mirrors being backlit with an almost ring light quality.
I felt hot when I left the house. Even as I look at myself now, my hair curling from the humidity and a sheen of sweat on my skin, I still feel hot. But, there’s this lingering doubt, this feeling of who the fuck do I think I am?
I’m a professor playing what? Young club girl who has two hot and successful club owner fuck buddies? Meanwhile, my ex-husband could potentially be staking out my house. I’m not worth this trouble, and I’m not sure if I can handle public criticism of what I do behind closed doors.
Needing a moment to get my shit together before I leave and tell the guys I need to head home, I go into a stall, grateful that they are floor to ceiling doors.
I sit on the toilet, my thumbs rubbing my temples as my fingertips cradle my forehead, taking a few deep breaths.
There’s no way we can continue on the path we’re headed down.
It’s too much. I’m not strong enough to handle this shit.
Sleeping with them again is a bad idea. Savannah is right.
I’m not mature enough to not catch feelings, because seeing them with their brothers only made me more curious.
Every touch and conversation outside of the bedroom has me wanting to get to them on a deeper level.
My life is chaotic right now. The last thing I need is people judging me for this forbidden relationship.
The door to the bathroom hits the back wall, women laughing as they gather by the sink, the water running as I sit there and debate when to make my great escape.
“Do you think they all fuck?” one woman says with a giggle.
“I mean, did you see them? Like, I can help you upgrade,” another says, and I rub my temples harder.
I haven’t felt this way since high school.
I was never an outcast, specifically bullied, but I was never on the inside.
I was always on the skirts of popularity, and they always made me feel it.
I was the girl with dead parents, a suspicious scar, who somehow caught the eye of the All State Men's Soccer goalie.
I scoff to myself, remembering how Will always made me feel it too.
Little digs that let me know that he was the prize.
I believed it too. Believed it so hard that I followed him and his scholarship to FSU.
I got into fucking Brown and I gave that up so that I could hold on to him.
Even though I don’t regret it, FSU has an amazing fine arts program.
What I regret is letting him run my life, for letting other people’s words put me down.
It’s not how I want to be. Who I want to be.
I wish I cared less about what people thought of me.
It’s not how I want to value myself, but at this moment, I can’t help but feel like that stupid young woman who followed a man because of what other people thought.
Is me caring what these complete strangers think of me any different?
I feel like I’m stuck in this same stupid societal game of what’s expected of me and what’s morally right and wrong.
I’m an adult woman, we’re all consenting adults. We’re allowed to decide that line for ourselves.
“Do you think there is some twincest happening there?” A snicker and a bunch of laughs bursts out and I’ve had enough.
It’s one thing to talk about me, but talking about Ben and Gavin like that? It makes the decision easier, as I step out of the stall and go to a sink to wash my hands.
I glance into the mirror. None of the women, who are likely barely legal, look at me. Though two of them look like they’re about to burst into a fit of laughter.
“It’s strange wondering what complete strangers do in the bedroom.
But if you must know, they love having me in the middle.
Did you want to know what it’s like taking two men at once?
Or should I tell you about my last gynecological exam?
What information would you like?” I say, not looking up as I wash my hands.
Now that I’m done, I grab a paper towel, glancing at them all, properly chastised. None of them tries to apologize or speak, and I’m not sure that I would want them to.
I toss the paper towel in the trash on my way out, not looking back as I hold my head high and make my way to Ben and Gavin.
Maybe it’s my small little breakdown, the need to prove to myself that I’m not crumbling because it’s what other people expect, but I vow to myself to have a good night and not let myself overthink this.
Too many drinks later, we’re back outside and I’m fanning myself as Penny leans in, her arm clutching my forearm. Her pupils are massive. Clearly she’s had just as much as me.
“Tell me again what you said to them,” she says, her mouth trying to find her straw.
“Baby, leave her alone,” Lincoln says.
She rolls her eyes and glances back at me. “I’m finally out of the house doing adult things. I need to know everything.”
“They were talking about Ben and Gavin, and well, me too, but once they started talking about them, I couldn’t stand it anymore.”
“Are they still here?” Penny asks, looking around.
I shrug as I look around. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Damn right. Don’t let people judge you. Who cares what they think anyway?” Jessa says, nodding dramatically.
“Who’s judging who?” Ben says, plopping down next to me. The top few buttons of his shirt are undone, and he looks deliciously rumpled.
“Some girls in the bathroom were talking about you guys and Kate,” Penny says, her filter completely gone.
“Oh, yeah?” he asks with a grin, his eyes crinkling with his smile as he rests his head on my lap. “What did they say?”
“Nothing worth repeating,” I say, scratching my nails against his scalp as he looks up at me with pure happiness in his gaze.
I’m glad I didn’t leave earlier, that I didn’t let insecurity or fear get in the way. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t lingering in the back of my mind, but I’m working through it. I’m just refusing to let anyone, including myself, ruin my night.
“Crisis averted. Ice machine is back up and running,” Gavin interrupts me, staring at his brother as he sits right next to us.
“Gotta say I thought this place was going to turn into a cum dump of an event space, but you guys really made something here,” Lincoln says.
I blink wildly as a smile spreads against his face, and Gavin whacks his brother on the shoulder.
“Shut the fuck up. You knew it would be awesome,” Gavin jokes.
“Maybe,” Lincoln retorts.
It’s interesting watching all the siblings interact.
It’s something I always wanted but never had.
I wanted a sister so damn bad, especially when I went to live with Aunt Helene.
The idea of having someone you’re tied to genetically, who goes through nearly the same walk of life as you, was compelling.
But alas, I was an only child, and now I feel completely void of a family.
The closest thing I have to a family are Savannah and Chelsea.
Watching this family interact has me wishing I had more.
“It really is impressive. It looks great. The group of women I was talking to earlier said this is exactly what Tampa needed. A club for the occasional club goer that doesn’t feel like it’s a teeny bopper spring break,” Penny says with a very serious face.
“Thanks, Pen,” Ben says in my lap.
“We’re only going to be open on Fridays and Saturdays, maybe some holidays. I think making it more exclusive is the way to go instead of trying to staff this place seven days a week,” Gavin says.
“Glad to see you two finally grow up,” their oldest brother, Aiden, says as he ruffles Gavin’s hair, an arm wrapped around Jessa’s shoulder, where she holds his hand. “It’s getting late and we’re going to get a ride home.”
“Aw, come on old man,” Gavin says, but there isn’t much heat to it, not when Ben is nearly falling asleep on my lap.
“Congratulations. And it was so nice to meet you, Kate,” Jessa says with a smile.
“Nice meeting you all too,” I say honestly. They were welcoming; sure it was like being thrown in the deep end, but I’m glad they were here.
“I think we ought to head home, too. Brynn and Hudson aren’t going to give a shit that mommy and daddy are hungover tomorrow.”
“Aren’t they with Mom and Dad?” Gavin asks.
Lincoln gives him a look that screams ‘stop cock blocking me’ as Penny leans forward, not giving a shit that Ben is on my lap as she gives me a hug.
“It was really nice to meet you officially. I hope we’ll be seeing more of you,” she says.
Gavin gives her a look, and she shoves him back by the forehead.
“Later, losers,” she says to her cousins.
Gavin gives her the finger and Lincoln acts like he’s going to bite it before they leave and it’s just us three.
Well, us three and a club full of people.
“The club is very impressive,” I say, as Ben straight up turns on his side, using my lap as a pillow.
Gavin rests back on the chair, looking at me softly. “No, what’s impressive is meeting our family and not running for the hills. I should’ve warned you beforehand. They can be a lot.”
“It was nice. I never had siblings. I always wanted them. It’s nice to know that the hazing doesn’t stop even as you age.”
Gavin gives me a grin before leaning down and pressing a soft kiss against my lips. He shoves his brother’s head, who grumbles.
“Everything is covered here. Should we head out?”
“Yeah,” I say, though my body feels heavy, my feet hurt, and I should very well be going to my own house. I should really say thanks for having me, but I need to feed my cats, which would be a lie. Well, not if you ask them.
I’m in no shape to have a repeat of the night we all spent together, mentally or physically.
My head is still a mess, only numbed by the amount of alcohol in my system, but at least if I go to Gavin and Ben’s house I know I’ll be safe, at least physically.
As far as my heart or head goes, I have no clue.
It’s best to just act like nothing is going on in those regards.
I’m not catching feelings. Nope. Not me.
We’re just friends, and my friends are making sure I have somewhere safe to go for the night.
So, against everything I felt earlier, I get in the car with Ben and Gavin.
I even remember walking into their home and marveling at how shockingly clean it is.
Sure, they didn’t have many personal touches, but it’s nice.
I even remember using a spare toothbrush and doing my best effort to wash off the makeup off my face and removing my contacts.
I’m not sure which one of them loaned me a T-shirt, but it’s only when I wake up the next morning that I realize I spent the night and nothing sexual happened.
I can’t decide if that’s a good or a bad thing.
But as lips press against my neck as the summer sun shines through the slanted blinds, I realize there are far worse ways to spend a Sunday morning.