Chapter 8
Nightfall was looming and Bryce had to decide—push on or rest at the next coaching inn. He shifted lower to cradle Helen’s head that was bobbing about. Sneaking a peek at his wife, he remembered her slumbering against his shoulder when they were children. The gentle sway of the coach always lulled Helen into sleep even on the short trips between their family country estates. He missed the days when she would reach for his hand to jump across the stream or tug on his sleeve before asking for a ride on his back when her feet tired as they traipsed about the forest. Summers in the country had been the highlight of his existence, but they had ceased a few years before he inherited the dukedom. When his father fell ill, he was forced to stay in town more and more, which meant less and less time with Helen. A chasm between them grew wider and wider each year.
Bryce released a sigh.
They had been kidnapped, married, and hurried off on a mission all within the course of forty-eight hours, yet Helen hadn’t once complained. It was at least a three-day journey to the small, quaint town of Delkaid Wells. There was no reason to risk traveling at night except to avoid his fear of rejection. Before she had fallen asleep, Helen had painfully ensured that there was always at least a foot of space between them in the cramped interior of the coach. There was no chance the lady would be willing to share a bed chamber with him even if it was their wedding night.
He reached out to brace his wife’s forehead with a gloved finger as the coach jolted forward before coming to a stop. Instinctively he ran his finger along her hairline, tucking the wisps of hair that had escaped during the arduous day’s travel. She didn’t awaken right away, and Bryce took advantage of the opportunity to admire her. Helen’s chubby, rosy cheeks were less chubby now, but her plump, pouty lips remained an alluring pink. Like countless times over the years, he found himself fantasizing of having those same lips pressed against his.
Helen’s eyes fluttered open. “Have we reached the coaching inn?”
Lightheaded at the sight of her dreamy dark brown eyes, Bryce nodded. “Do you wish to continue on after a respite or should I inquire about lodging for the evening?”
“I shall defer to you.”
Her response took him aback. Helen always had an opinion and rarely shied away from sharing it—at least, when they had been close. He moved to the rear facing seat so he could clearly and directly speak to her face-to-face. “I’ll admit that it has been some time since we’ve spent time in each other’s company, but I’d hoped that we could return to being at the very least friends, friends that were open and honest with one another.”
“Is that your way of stating that we are to be partners on equal footing for the duration of the mission?”
Her question hit him square in the chest. He leaned back and crossed his arms as if the action could defend him from her heart-piercing words. Here he was reminiscing of a bond he thought they had forged during their formative years. They had spent nearly every daylight hour of every summer in each other”s company; sometimes debating, sometimes laughing, and many times sitting across from one another in front of chess pieces. He was a fool for hoping she could come to care for him as he cared for her. Knowing it would rile the woman, Bryce remained silent.
“Well?” she asked with both eyebrows raised.
Blast his overriding desire to see her smiling and happy. To hell with his pride. He unwound his arms and braced his elbows upon his spread knees. Once he was eye level with Helen, he said, “We have never been on equal footing, and I’d be an idiot to expect it to be so going forward. You and I both know that you have always held the upper hand. However, our marriage will only succeed if both of us are willing to be honest with one another.”
“As a member of the Network, did you or did you not pledge to place missions and the protection of PORF’s first and foremost?” His wife lowered her gaze to her clasped hands in her lap. “If it were not for that pledge, we would not be married now.”
“That is simply not true. We were betrothed well before this mission. I’ve never once questioned who I was going to marry, it was only a matter of when and where.”
“Why?”
He must be exhausted. He wasn’t following Helen’s train of thought which he normally did with ease. “Why what?”
Hands balled into tight fists, she met his gaze and asked, “Why did you never question our betrothal? Why did you not follow your heart and marry one of the ladies who…” Helen’s voice trailed off.
“Why wouldn’t I honor the betrothal contract?”
“Because you don’t love me.”
Her answer was like a stake to the heart. “If I follow your logic then, the fact that you have avoided me for the past five years means that you do not love me either.”
“Don’t try to twist the matter about.”
Avoiding the topic rather than arguing her point meant he wasn’t entirely wrong. Since his confidence was already torn to shreds, he blurted the question he’d been wanting to ask.
“Do you love me?”
Heart racing.Palms sweating. Helen looked directly into Bryce’s intelligent blue-green eyes. This. This is the reason why she had avoided him for years. The man hated the unknown and always opted for the truth even when it could result in disappointment or pain.
She inhaled slowly. “Before I answer, define love.”
Brows slashed downward, Bryce replied, “Since you seem rather adamant that I don’t love you, perhaps it would be best if you shared with me what your definition of love is, so that we are clear on the matter.”
Hmmm. The four-letter word represented a myriad of emotions for Helen that all stemmed from her fond memories of her parents, who’d had her later in life. Her mama had left this earth before her tenth birthday, leaving Helen with faint memories of warm hugs and kisses on the forehead, both of which she equated to the deep affection that others call love. Her papa had showered her with unconditional support up until his demise the year she turned sixteen. Since then, she’d been shuffled between her three older siblings, who were all twelve-plus years her senior and all had loving families of their own.
Helen closed her eyes for a moment. How was she to put the intangible connections she had witnessed and experienced into words for Bryce to understand? He didn’t come from a loving family. He didn’t have siblings.
When she opened her eyes once more, Bryce was still staring at her intently. The fluttering in her heart she always experienced when he looked at her had her jaw slackening and her mind desperately searching for the right words to express the connection she could no longer ignore. He wanted them to be honest with one another. To be fair, she did too.
She exhaled and said, “Love is…it’s when you have a strong bond for another that is woven out of affection, devotion, benevolence, and desire. Desire to be close to them. You worry about them when they are not within sight.” As the words slipped from her lips, she realized she couldn’t hide from the truth any longer. She was in love…in love wholeheartedly with Bryce.
With a sadness she didn’t recognize, her normally astute husband said, “Then…by your own definition, you are not in love with me.”
She could remain silent and let him believe he was right, except that wouldn’t be fair. With a small shake of the head Helen admitted, “That’s not true. I may have hidden from you, but the desire to be with you still existed along with the hope that you would eventually…one day find me.” In order to prevent the tear that threatened to escape from trickling down her cheek, she blinked and lowered her gaze. Upon a sigh she added, “And since you never found me, coupled with your reputation as a rake, it’s only logical for me to assume that you are not in love with me.”
Bryce fell to his knees and bowed his head. “I apologize for my past actions.” He lifted his watery eyes up to look up at her. “I’ll change. I want to be the man you turn to, not run away from. I want to be a father like yours, not mine. And I promise you, if you run and hide again…I shall never stop looking for you.”
Her heart that was already beating fast, faltered and paused for a moment. She didn’t want him to change. She loved him for who he was—honest and flawed.
Confused by his response, she placed her hands on the tops of his arms and gently urged him to straighten so they were more on even footing. “Let’s not make any more promises to one another for today and agree to focus on the mission we’ve been tasked to accomplish.”
Shoulders slumped forward, he rolled to his feet, opened the coach door, and stepped down. He held out his hand to assist her down, and wordlessly they walked into the inn. For the first time ever, Helen welcomed the silence that had descended upon them. It wasn’t the first time she’d held his hand or allowed him to escort her, but as she peeked up at her husband, a new array of emotions she’d never experienced before arose and left her both confused and excited for the future.