Chapter 5 Faith
FAITH
My brother entered the hospital room with a guarded look on his face, like he was about to deliver news that would rearrange my entire world.
Again.
I sat up slightly, the scratchy hospital sheets bunching beneath me like sandpaper against my skin. My heartbeat immediately kicked into overdrive as I scrutinized his features, searching for any clue in the tight line of his mouth, the way his shoulders held tension, like Atlas carrying the world.
“Any word?” My voice came out more hopeful than it should have. It was ridiculous to hope the guy might actually be alive, that I’d been wrong when I’d been in the forest. But desperation was all I had to hold on to.
Blake shook his head, and my stomach dropped straight through the floor, through the foundation, probably drilling a hole straight to hell. Which, let’s be honest, might be exactly where I belonged.
Defeated, I slumped back onto the bed.
“How’s your headache?” Blake walked over, his doctor persona sliding into place like a familiar mask. The fluorescent lights above made everything look harsh and unforgiving as he pulled out a small penlight and shone it in each of my eyes.
I squinted against the light. “My headache isn’t important right now.”
“As a medical professional, I call bullshit.” He tucked the penlight back into his lab coat pocket with a sharp click. “You have a concussion, Faith, and the bruising around your scalp suggests it could’ve been a lot worse. You’re lucky to be conscious.”
How could he worry about me right now when some guy out there might be dying?
I stretched the thin hospital sheet between my hands, pulling until my knuckles went white, needing something to hold on to. “A concussion and some stitches are nothing compared to whatever that guy in the woods is going through. Blake, I could’ve killed—”
“Stop.” He held up his palm like a traffic cop directing cars away from a crash scene.
“As much as I want to ask you a million questions, Ryker is one of the best criminal defense lawyers in the city. Not adhering to his advice would be like someone dismissing my medical advice. We need to trust him to guide us through this process, and if he says don’t talk about it, we don’t talk about it. ”
I opened my mouth to argue, but what was the point? The words would just circle back to the same terrifying place.
“I just hope he’s alive,” I muttered, the words tasting like delusion and regret, like blood and bad decisions. He has to be alive.
I can’t have taken a life.
Blake’s expression softened into something that made my chest ache. “You’re strong, Faith. You’ll get through this either way.”
If I took someone’s life …
Nausea rolled through my stomach like a tidal wave threatening to pull me under.
“Blake, I can’t be that person. I won’t survive being that person.”
“We can’t talk about it,” Blake reminded me gently, though his eyes said he wanted to know everything.
“I’m not talking about details of the crime or whatever.
I’m talking to you as my brother.” I stared at the ceiling tiles.
“And I’m telling you I need this guy to be okay, mostly because—hello—he needs to be alive.
” Bile rose up in my throat, bitter and burning.
“But far less important—and this makes me a terrible person for even thinking about this right now—he has to be alive because …” I blew out a deep breath.
“This is beyond selfish to think about, but I finally, finally got my shit together.”
The memories felt fragile now, like butterfly wings that might crumble if I held them too tightly.
“I was just getting my life back on track, Blake. I got my own place—this cute little bungalow in a suburb outside the city. I started hanging out with you and your friends, and I actually started to enjoy it. Like, genuinely looked forward to all of it.”
Blake settled on the edge of my bed, the mattress dipping under his weight, bringing him closer.
“It was like I’d been swimming in a river of pain for most of my life, refusing to let it drag me downstream into something even darker.
I fought against that current with everything I had.
Bloody fingernails clawing at the banks, lungs burning, muscles screaming.
And finally, I crawled my way onto the shore and out of that river. ”
Not that I ever told you how deep that river really was. How many times I almost went under. The things I had to do just to keep my head above water.
“I dried myself off and felt sunlight on my face for the first time in I don’t know how long.” I looked at him. “I worked my ass off to put my past behind me.”
And now? Now everything I’ve worked for could be gone. One night, one moment I can’t even remember, and—poof—future deleted.
“I need that guy to be okay because if he’s not …” I brought my hand up to my temple, fighting against the pounding headache and the antiseptic smell that wasn’t helping at all. “If he’s not, then I’m not the person I thought I was becoming.”
“Listen to me carefully,” Blake said, his voice taking on that gentle but firm tone he used with his most frightened patients. “Whatever happened tonight doesn’t define who you are.”
“Easy for you to say. You’re not the one who might have—”
“I killed someone too,” Blake interrupted.
The words hung in the air between us like smoke from a gun.
“That was different, and you know it.”
“Was it? I took a life, Faith. With a baseball bat. In front of my little sister.” His jaw clenched, muscles working. “And you know what? I’d do it again in a heartbeat because he was going to kill you.”
“You were protecting me. This … whatever this was … I don’t even remember what happened.”
“Look,” Blake said suddenly, studying me with those doctor eyes that missed nothing.
“You’ve been really guarded since we reconnected.
And I get it. You’ve been through a lot, and it’s none of my business to push you into telling me stuff you’re not ready to share.
I prefer to know, but I haven’t pressed you for a reason.
Because I sensed you weren’t ready to talk about it all. Maybe never would be.”
My cheeks inflamed. He was right, of course. There was so much he didn’t know about me. So much I’d carefully hidden.
“But, Faith,” he continued, “you have to tell Ryker everything. If he has any shot at defending you, he cannot be surprised by anything on the witness stand.”
Tell Ryker everything? Sure. Let me just explain how I shoplifted food when I aged out because eighteen meant you’re on your own, good luck, don’t let the door hit you.
How I got into fights, defending the little I had.
How I’ve done things that would make him look at me differently.
Things that would make all of them realize I’m not the person they think I am.
Blake had no idea that I’d actively tried to stay away from him for years.
When I finally looked him up online, I saw that he’d become a successful doctor, and I wanted—no, needed—to get my life together before I stormed back into his world and risked ruining it.
I finally thought I was doing that. Starting fresh, moving in a positive direction, building a life that I could be proud of.
Becoming the person he could be proud of.
Old Faith—I’d tried to leave her behind. Bury her under accomplishments and normal-person milestones. He had no idea about some of the things I’d been through and some of the things I’d done to survive them.
“Faith, are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” I said, the lie rolling off my tongue as smooth as water.
Not a lie. Not the whole truth either. Never the whole truth. Did that make me a liar? Maybe. But I’d learned early on that telling the whole truth never saved me. It only got me rejected, shuffled to the next foster home, the next pair of eyes that decided I wasn’t worth keeping.
So, I became what they wanted. Quiet. Sweet. Invisible when I had to be. A chameleon who could read a room in seconds and adjust accordingly. It wasn’t about tricking anyone. It was about surviving them.
But now, staring at my brother’s worried face, survival felt a lot like betrayal. Because for the first time, I wanted to tell it all. And I didn’t know how.
Hell, I was too scared. Blake’s and Ryker’s feelings for me were the only thing anchoring me from shattering completely, and I couldn’t bear the thought of losing that.
“Ryker is a great lawyer,” Blake said, switching tactics when I didn’t elaborate. “Whatever happened tonight, he’ll do everything he can to help you. There’s no one I’d trust more.”
Ryker. Just his name made my pulse do that stupid stuttering thing. Over the last few weeks, I’d grown to enjoy my time with him more than I cared to admit. More than was safe to admit.
When I’d show up to hang out with Blake and his friends, I’d find myself looking for Ryker’s car outside first, feeling disappointed if it wasn’t there and stupidly, ridiculously elated if it was. Like my heart had developed its own GPS system, always searching for him, pinging when he was near.
He seemed tender beneath all that control.
Reserved but watching. And, God, the watching.
I couldn’t count the number of times I’d look up to find his eyes locked with mine, dark and intense, sending my heartbeat into a frenzy that probably required medical attention.
He was handsome as hell too. All sharp angles and deliberate movements.
I loved the tattoos peeking out from under his shirt, wanted to trace them with my fingers, then my tongue.
And, oh my word, those special moments we’d shared that no one else knew about. Feeling his skin against mine. His tongue between my thighs. The way he’d looked at me, like I was his everything.
Having Ryker entangled in this nightmare felt like watching something beautiful wither and blacken before it ever had a chance to fully bloom.