Dove

37. Josh

JOSH

A ir punched out of me in a low groan as I all but collapsed beside Eddie on the porch swing. It let out its own groan of protest at holding the weight of two grown men, but I’d oiled it’s hinges and checked the chains a few weeks ago, so I was pretty confident it would hold.

Relaxing back, every muscle in my body protested from the relentless work I’d put in this past week.

I wish I could say I’d worked up a sweat since Dove left and Eddie arrived to take her place, but we hadn’t gotten much done, admittedly.

The hay we’d gone to collect with the tractor was currently sitting inside the entrance to the barn, waiting to be unloaded.

The second I'd had the tractor parked, I’d turned the key in the ignition to quiet the engine. We’d both jumped down, boots landing with twin thuds against the driveway, kicking up clouds of dust. Eddie had taken one look at me and declared we deserved a “beer break” before continuing.

So, here we were, both sporting a bottle of whatever I could find from the back of the fridge, sitting on our asses when I knew damn well there was work to do.

Dove would be having a fit if she was here.

I lifted the bottle to my lips, smiling around the rim.

Let’s be honest, my ass wouldn’t be sitting and enjoying a beer if she were here. But if she were, she’d definitely have something to say about our little break. Especially since I’d promised her we’d get most of what we had left to do done today.

“What’re you smiling about over there?”

My head swiveled to look at my best friend.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?”

He snorted, bottle dangling in his hand. “I can hazard a guess.”

My eyebrow shot up, intrigued. “Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah.” His chin dipped before taking a sip of his beer. “Dove.”

I cleared my throat, uncomfortable. I’d been wanting to broach the topic of us being together with him. Maybe this was the perfect opportunity.

I’d never told him about my crush on Dove. I’d never mentioned the real reason I’d left, either. Like everyone else, he wagered it was due to my strained relationship with my father.

He wasn’t entirely wrong. Just missing some of the finer details on why .

The reason I’d never told my best friend had absolutely nothing to do with him. I trusted that man with my life and my secrets, but anytime I’d tried to mention it, I couldn’t get the words out. They got wedged in my throat, refusing to come out.

Deep down a fear festered of him being so disgusted that he’d end our friendship if I confessed how I felt for Dove.

Even if I knew Eddie didn’t have a mean bone in his body, and he was the most forgiving person on the planet.

Couldn’t hold a grudge to save his life.

In all the years I’d known him, I never once heard him shout.

He was loud, sure, but in a jovial, enthusiastic way.

I’d never heard him raise his voice to anyone, and I’d never seen him truly angry.

So, despite the unfounded fear, I kept it to myself, because it was me and my own shame that had kept me from confiding in him.

I knew, to some degree, that I should love Dove far more platonically than I did, but it had never stopped me from yearning for her.

At first it may have been a protective, brotherly love, but somewhere along the way, it shifted—so slow I was damned to stop it—until it warped into something I’d been too ashamed to admit to myself, let alone anyone else.

Especially after Gareth had all but disowned me just from seeing me consider kissing her.

My bottom lip skimmed the cool glass of the bottle as I worked up the courage to tell my best friend I was in love with my stepsister.

“I can practically hear the cogs grinding up there,” Eddie joked. “You don’t have to make it a big thing, J.”

The rim of the bottle skimmed my bottom lip as I paused the sip I’d been about to take to ask, “Make what a big thing?"

“That fact you’re in love with Dove,” he answered simply. Easily.

As easy as it should have been for me to tell him .

I sputtered—the swig of beer I’d just taken spraying everywhere. Eddie thumped me on the back as I coughed.

“Damn,” he laughed. “Don’t go choking on me. Dove would have my nuts if something happened to you on my watch.”

“Don’t put Dove and your nuts in the same sentence,” I rasped, still coughing up the remains of beer I’d managed to inhale.

Eddie snickered before taking a long pull of his own beer. Silence settled over us, until we both broke it at the same time.

“I wanted to tell you?—”

“You know you could have told me?—”

We both chuckled awkwardly before Eddie gestured at me to go ahead.

I cleared my throat. “It wasn’t because I didn't trust you, I want you to know that.” It was important to me he knew that.

“I just...” I blew out a rough breath. Was I prepared to tell him about that night? What Gareth had seen, what he’d said? How it had been every single fear I’d ever had come true in the worst way?

Eddie clasped my shoulder. “You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to, man. I just wanted to help break the ice if you were hesitant to tell me. I’ve known since we were in high school, Josh. I’ve just been waiting for you to admit it.”

“High school...” I scrubbed a hand over my face. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

Eddie snorted. “What if I'd been wrong? I wasn’t gonna be the weirdo who suggested you had a thing for your stepsister. Uh, no offense.”

Now it was my turn to snort. “None taken. I was the weirdo who had a thing for his stepsister. Still am, I guess, because I really fucking love her,” I admitted quietly. “Leaving was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but staying away wrecked me. I can’t do that again. To her or me.”

Eddie’s nearly empty beer bottle tapped against the wooden swing.

“So, why did you leave? I know you said Gareth and you had a fight, but you couldn’t work shit out?

Sure, you two were never close, but you always seemed to tolerate his wrath.

Not that you should, you know that. I still think it’s fucked how he treated you. ”

Considering how loving and supportive Eddie’s family was, it had always confused him to see how my dad was with me.

Aloof at best, heartless at worst. He struggled to wrap his head around the fact my dad hated me for taking my mom away from him.

I would be confused, too, if I had a mom and dad as amazing as his.

Eddie could burn down their restaurant and they’d still love him.

In their eyes, he could do no wrong. The love they had for their sons ran deep and eternal.

Garth’s love for me evaporated the second I’d taken my first crying breath at the same time my mom had taken her last.

“No.” I shook my head. “Not this time, Ed. He saw me with Dove the night I left. Her graduation night. Nothing happened,” I rushed out, as if it mattered anymore when I’d done far, far worse to her than that almost-kiss years ago.

“But for a minute, I let myself consider it, and he saw it. Knew that I'd been thinking of kissing her, and he flipped. Didn’t even yell. Just told me I was sick and he wouldn’t have me ruining the life he’d built for himself again, so I had to go.

” I took a moment, taking a deep inhale of fresh air before I rambled on.

“I was afraid to stay. Afraid of what he’d do if I didn’t go, of what Dove might think of me once the haze of alcohol faded.

I hadn’t even considered the town finding out back then, but now.

.. you know not many in town will react positively to our being together.

Not when we’d been kids when we met. I don’t want them to think I. ..”

Fuck, I couldn’t even say it.

Eddie cursed—something in Spanish I couldn’t quite catch.

“My mamá would whack me good if she heard me say this but, I’m glad that fucker is gone.

You deserve to be happy, and he was taking all the happiness outta ya.

As for the town, if they think you took advantage of her, they’re blind idiots.

Plus, you’ve been gone for years. Dove’s an adult now.

You both can make your own choices, and if that happens to mean you choose each other, so be it. ”

I couldn’t exactly disagree.

But I didn’t want Eddie to feel obligated to defend me.

“I shouldn’t have let myself get that close. Dove was young and impressionable... not to mention she’d been drinking. I—I was weak.” As if that excused my dad kicking me out of the only place I’d called home and stripping me of the only people who had ever made me feel loved.

“That’s bullshit and you know it,” Eddie argued. “Maybe you didn’t see it, but I did. Dove’s had hearts in her eyes for you almost as soon as she got here. She was practically your shadow for years. I always suspected she had a small crush on you. Then I realized you had one back.”

I took another gulp of beer as blood rushed to my cheeks. “Can we not talk about this anymore?” I grumbled.

Eddie laughed, as if my embarrassment entertained him greatly.

“Sure thing, amigo , but don’t be embarrassed.

Love is something to be celebrated, or so my mamá always tells us.

It kills her that most of us boys are still single.

I keep trying to tell her the dating pool isn’t exactly bountiful here.

El mar está seco en Haven, bro—not even one decent fish. ”

I tensed, waiting for it, because I knew it was coming.

“I mean look, it’s so bad, you have to date your stepsister?—”

My arm was out, fist connecting with his shoulder before he finished his sentence.

Eddie cackled, amused by his own smart mouth.

“That’s enough outta you,” I muttered. “I’m done talking about this.”

“You mean you’re done talking about her ,” he sang.

“Eddie,” I warned.

“Alright, alright.” He held his hands up, empty beer bottle dangling between his fingers. “I’m done. Promise.”

I finished the last dregs of my drink, but neither of us moved.

“You know, I’m surprised your dad left you the farm,” Eddie considered thoughtfully. “Not that you don’t deserve it. I just mean, the man all but disowned you.”

“Me, too, honestly.” I sighed, resting my head on the back of the swing. “I was shocked when his lawyer reached out. I think he just never got around to taking me out of his will.”

“Well, thank goodness for that, right?”

I barked a humorous laugh. “Not really. He left it in shit condition. Things falling apart, equipment in need of maintenance, finances a mess. He owes back taxes since around the time Josie got sick.” I shook my head.

“Maybe that’s why he left it to me. As a punishment.

One final nail in the coffin of our relationship.

Forcing my hand in selling the only thing I have left of my mom. ” And him.

We’d been slowly rocking due to Eddie’s constant need to move, his leg pushing us in a gentle back and forth, but that stopped instantly as his foot planted itself down.

I swayed forward at the sudden halt.

“You’re selling the farm?” His voice was more serious than I’d heard in a long time.

“It’s not for sure yet, but yeah. I’m considering it. I’m considering all options. I don’t really have a choice. My dad left this place a mess, and the bills just keep popping up.”

Eddie grimaced. “What’s Dove got to say about it? I know how attached she is to this place.”

My eyes scanned out toward the pasture, taking in the horses grazing and the clouds drifting in the clear blue sky, anywhere but my best friend's penetrating gaze.

“No,” Eddie breathed. “Josh, man. Don’t tell me you haven’t told her.”

“She knows I'm working on things. When I have all the information, I’ll tell her.”

“Seems like you know enough, if you’re already talking about selling.” Eddie’s voice was intentionally passive, but I’ve known him long enough to hear what he wasn’t saying.

“I know.” I lifted my hat and ran my hand through the sweaty strands, pushing my hair off my forehead before tugging it back on.

“I fucking know. But how do I tell her we may lose the farm? It’ll kill her, Ed.

And she’s already grieving the loss of her mom and Gareth.

How can I take one more thing from her?”

Eddie shook his head. “This ain’t on you, man. You weren’t here. Gareth just fell on hard times, what with Josie falling sick and all. Being a farmer ain’t easy anymore. The McGratty’s sold their land a while back, and we all thought they’d been doing alright.”

It was on the tip of my tongue to admit that being gone was one of the reasons I felt so responsible.

A hundred what-ifs crowded my mind, each one replaying a version of what might’ve happened if I’d just stayed and called my father’s bluff.

Would I still be sitting here? Would our parents still be six feet under?

I’ll never know. They’re questions that’ll go unanswered forever, while I carry the guilt of the years I was gone—ignorant to everything Dove and this farm were really going through without me.

When I remained silent for too long, Eddie coaxed with a gentle, “You gotta tell her, Josh. You can’t keep something like this from her. And you need to talk to her about all the options. Give her some choice in it, too.”

I nodded through his little speech, because of course. She deserved that.

“I didn’t keep her in the dark to be sneaky. I wanted to have some plans of action to show her first. I didn’t want to overwhelm her or scare her. But the more I looked into it, the less likely saving the farm seemed. Now it’s... it’s looking like there might only be one option.”

I hunched forward, elbows resting on my knees, empty bottle dangling loosely from my fingers. “How do I tell her, after everything she’s lost, that she’s losing the farm, too?” Even to my own ears my voice sounded fragile, burdened by the weight of it all.

Eddie’s face softened and he reached over to squeeze my shoulder reassuringly.

I glanced over to him, waiting desperately for someone to give me an answer on how to break the news to her.

His answer I was so desperate for was interrupted by the roar of an engine speeding down the driveway.

It grew louder as they tore through the gravel, rocks pinging off the underbelly.

A cloud of dust kicked up around the vehicle, but I could still make out the unmistakable red of that truck—considering it had once been the only vehicle I’d ever driven.

Dove.

And the way she was ripping down the driveway did not suggest anything good.

Eddie squeezed my shoulder again, harder this time, in comradery.

“Maybe you don’t have to tell her at all, man,” he drawled, eyes tracking the truck as its distance grew smaller. “Because I would wager a bet that the cats out of the bag.”

Yeah, I would, too.

I couldn't tell if it was relief or dread forming like lead in the pit of my stomach.