9. Hallie #2
Madison's eyebrows shoot up so high they nearly disappear into her hairline, her expression a mixture of surprise and skepticism. "Really?" she asks, drawing out the word as if testing its validity. "You're actually over Kyle? Like, for real this time?"
"Really. I think I just liked the idea of him, you know? The safe choice. The guy who checked all the boxes on paper." I sink back onto the couch, pulling a throw pillow into my lap. "But I don't miss him. I don't even think about him except when someone brings him up."
"Then what's with the whole tragic heroine aesthetic you've got going on right now?
" Madison gestures at me with a sweeping motion that encompasses my entire disheveled existence.
"Because this isn't 'I'm tired from work' energy.
This is 'I just finished reading a devastating romance novel at three in the morning and now I'm questioning all my life choices' energy. "
I open my mouth, then close it. Madison is wonderful, but she's also enthusiastically Team Romance. If I tell her about Caius, she'll have us married with two-point-five kids before I can finish the sentence. And right now, I can barely handle the reality of having pushed him away.
"Just tired," I say, forcing a weak smile that probably looks more like a grimace.
"Work's been absolutely crazy lately. We're doing this whole inventory overhaul at the library, and you know how Mrs. Henderson gets about the Dewey Decimal system.
" I'm rambling now, throwing out details like chaff to distract from the real issue.
"Plus we've got the summer reading program starting soon, and I'm supposed to coordinate with the elementary schools, and?—"
"Mmhm." She doesn't believe me for a second, I can tell.
Her eyes narrow slightly, and I can practically see her filing this conversation away for later interrogation.
But to my immense relief, she lets it slide.
For now. "Well, go try on the dress. Maybe looking gorgeous will improve your mood.
" She reaches over and squeezes my hand, her expression softening with genuine affection.
"And it will look gorgeous, I promise. The burgundy is going to be perfect with your complexion.
Plus, the cut is specifically designed to make your boobs look amazing, which is really all any bridesmaid dress should aspire to accomplish. "
Despite everything, I feel a small, genuine laugh bubble up. "High standards."
"The highest," she confirms, already shooing me toward my bedroom with an imperious wave of her hand. "Now go. Model for me. Let me live vicariously through your cleavage since I'll be wearing a strapless number that requires industrial-strength adhesive to keep in place."
The dress is beautiful, I'll give her that. A deep burgundy that actually flatters my curves instead of fighting them, with a neckline that's sophisticated without being boring.
I look like someone who could be the main character of her own story, not the quirky best friend who exists only to dispense advice and provide comic relief, not the reliable sister who fades into the background while everyone else gets their happily-ever-after.
For once, standing here in this dress that hugs my curves in all the right places, with the rich burgundy fabric making my skin glow instead of wash out, I look like the kind of woman who might actually deserve to be loved the way I've always secretly wanted to be loved.
If only I had the guts to act like it. If only I could carry this feeling with me when I wasn't wearing a bridesmaid dress that cost more than my monthly car insurance. If only I could hold onto this version of myself long enough to actually do something about the mess I've made with Caius.
"Perfect!" Madison claps when I emerge. "You're going to look amazing walking down the aisle tomorrow."
My stomach twists into that familiar knot of anxiety I've become so well-acquainted with lately. "With Kyle," I admit, trying to keep my voice casual and failing spectacularly.
"Oh, right." Madison's expression shifts, a flicker of concern crossing her features before she carefully smooths it away. "Is that going to be weird? Having him there as someone's plus-one after everything?"
"Probably." I shrug, attempting the kind of breezy nonchalance I've never actually possessed in my entire life. The gesture feels stiff and unconvincing even to me. "But like I said, I'm completely over it. Ancient history."
The words taste like dust in my mouth, but I need her to believe them. I need someone to believe them, since I'm having such a hard time convincing myself.
"Good. Because between you and me?" Madison lowers her voice conspiratorially. "He's kind of boring. I never understood what you saw in him. You need someone with more... spark. Someone who challenges you."
Someone like Caius, my traitorous brain supplies immediately, the thought sliding in smooth and unbidden and entirely unwelcome, like it's been waiting in the wings for exactly this opening.
After Madison leaves, I change back into my comfort clothes: worn yoga pants and an oversized sweatshirt that used to belong to Ryan. I make a halfhearted attempt at dinner—cheese and crackers count as a meal, right?—and settle in with a book I've been meaning to read for months.