Chapter 6
BECKHAM
The next day was yet another day where I had to remind myself to breathe. There wasn’t a sense of panic in me that closed my lungs, but rather a brick sitting on my chest, weighing down the natural urge in my brain to suck in air and let it loose.
At first, I’d thought I might’ve developed some type of asthma. Maybe a breathing disorder where I needed medication to get rid of this pinched feeling in my sternum. But no. It was simply my mind being so bogged down by things I can’t control that I forget to breathe deep enough.
Some days, it felt like I’d run a mile and couldn’t fill my lungs to their full capacity, and I’d be scared I was suffocating. Others, I didn’t breathe enough on instinct, so I’d have to remind myself over and over and over again.
I tried various exercises, but those didn’t do much.
I was drunk one time and tried meditating.
All I did was fall over. None of that shit worked because it wasn’t my lungs’ fault.
It was my brain. I was so lost in the depression some days that not even my mind wanted to put effort into keeping myself alive. Those days, I had to work overtime.
I’d come to learn the world didn’t stop demanding things of you simply because your will to stay alive was dwindling.
Too wrapped up in tracking the rise and fall of my chest as I stowed the clean utensils in their rightful place, I didn’t hear Parker leave her room.
For some reason, I’d expected her to disappear overnight.
I’d gotten so used to only imagining her voice that hearing it in person was like a shock to my nervous system.
Maybe the depression had rotted my brain into pulp, and I was hallucinating.
“You’re so quiet,” Parker remarked as she crossed to the fridge.
I bent to close the now-empty dishwasher, then faced her as she pulled a bottle of water from the shelf in the door.
“Just used to living alone, I guess.” I leaned back against the counter, placing my palms against the edge. But that was false, because up until four months ago, I’d been mostly living with my best friend. “Did you sleep okay?”
“Yeah.” She took a slow sip of water, a crease forming in the center of her forehead. “Did you?”
I ignored the question, focusing on her pinched expression. “Are you feeling okay?”
She nodded, averting her gaze and capping the bottle. “I get nauseous sometimes. In the mornings. It usually goes away after I’ve eaten something.”
Guilt trickled in past the numbness. “I should’ve made you something.”
Her eyes snapped to mine, lids narrowing. “No. That’s not your responsibility.”
I crossed my arms, slinging one ankle over the other as I waited for her to remember our conversation from yesterday.
“I appreciate what you’re doing. I really do. But I promise I can feed myself. I’m not inept at taking care of my body.”
This time, shame knocked on the unstable walls of my mind. “I didn’t mean—”
“I know.” She dipped her head to look at her bare feet. “This is weird, isn’t it?”
My brows pulled together. “Why do you say that?”
She gave me an incredulous look. “Really?”
I didn’t move, waiting for her to go on.
“I’m here. In Bell Buckle.” She pointed to the floor. “In your house.” She set a hand on her belly. “Pregnant. It’s like a weird sense of déjà vu, and yet…”
Yet I wasn’t the one who got her pregnant.
The unspoken words hung between us like radiation after a nuclear bomb. Our catastrophe was the last ten years and how they’d nonchalantly blown up in our faces, and we weren’t willing to acknowledge them aloud. She’d changed. I’d changed.
There was no more eighteen-year-old Beckham and Parker.
I shoved off the counter, tearing a piece of paper towel from the roll. I opened the plastic case of blueberry muffins I’d bought at the store and placed one on the towel. After closing the case, I crossed the kitchen and held the muffin out to her like an offering.
“Nothing’s weird about this, Parker.”
She looked at the muffin, then at me. Warring thoughts brewed behind her captivating gaze, and I wished I could put them all to rest. She had nothing to worry about. Having her in my house was the one thing I knew for certain that I wanted right now.
“It’s just like before,” I continued. “You, me, against the world. Only difference is we’ve got a baby that has to finish growing before he can join our little duo. Though I guess then we’ll be a trio.”
Confusion crossed her features. “‘We’?”
I dipped my chin in a nod. “We.”
Hesitantly, she took the muffin from my outstretched hand.
That look in her eyes, the one I’d seen so many times growing up, nearly pulled me under.
It was like home and belonging looped into one dewy-eyed look.
I’d fall right back into it if I could. Hell, I wanted to.
But that was our past. Things were…different now.
But for some reason, the more I looked at her, the more it felt like not much had changed in the last ten years.
If I didn’t leave now, I’d start saying shit I probably shouldn’t, and all that would likely do is scare her away.
“I was planning to go to Wyatt’s shop this morning.”
Like a rubber band snapping, her sense of hope vanished.
She cleared her throat. Nodded. “Yeah. I, uh—” She blinked, focusing on the muffin as she picked at the paper it was wrapped in. “I was going to look for a job anyway. I want to put some money aside for after the baby comes.”
“If you need money—”
She nearly dropped the muffin as her whole body tensed. “I don’t want your money, Beck. You’ve done enough for me already.”
A thousand memories flitted between us. Her sleeping in my bed on the nights her parents wouldn’t quit arguing. Me giving her my lunches at school when she had nothing more than a peanut butter sandwich. Us going to the pond to forget the world existed.
Life was simpler back then.
My lips rolled together. “Speaking of jobs.” Real smooth subject change—totally not obvious that discussing the past is difficult for me. “How long are you planning to stay in Bell Buckle?”
“Already sick of me?” she questioned, but the teasing lilt in her tone fell flat.
“I could never be sick of you, Park.”
As if she hadn’t used my nickname seconds prior, as if we hadn’t already been using them since the moment I walked into her hotel room, her expression saddened. Or maybe it was my brain screaming that she never should’ve left. That I never should’ve left.
“I’m not sure how long.” She bit the inside of her lip, tugging it past her teeth before adding, “Is that okay?”
“You can stay as long as you need to.” I grabbed my truck keys from the counter, palming them. “Do you have any appointments coming up?”
She shook her head. “I need to schedule them since I have to change doctors again.”
“Again?”
Her fingers continued aimlessly busying themselves on the muffin as she clarified, “Yeah. I’ve kind of still been moving around a ton. It’s not the most ideal situation for being pregnant, though. Plus, the bed in my trailer was hard as a rock.”
“I hope the one here isn’t too bad.”
Her lips twitched before she avoided my gaze again. “No. It’s perfect.”
Then it hit me, what she’d said. “What’d you do with the trailer? And Tex?” Tex was the horse she’d bought as a teen, and given he was young himself when she got him, I had to figure he was still alive.
A look of guilt shone bright as she gnawed on her lip again. “I had to sell both.”
“What?” The shock in my question was evident as my voice grew slightly louder.
Her eyes snapped to mine. “I needed the money, and I knew I couldn’t stay in that trailer with a baby. Let alone give Tex a fair life.”
“Where the hell is he?” That horse had been everything to her, and in turn, he was everything to me.
“A ranch in Montana. I know the people. He’s okay.”
I didn’t so much as blink when I said, “Call them.”
She narrowed her eyes on me, confused now. “I can’t just call them, Beckham. They own him now.”
“How much?”
“How much what?”
“How much did you sell him for?”
“Three grand.”
The sigh that left me was heavy. I mentally started totalling how many shifts I’d have to work to cover the cost of getting Tex back. Then I remembered my winnings I’d set aside from rodeo.
Parker must’ve sensed what I was about to offer, because her eyes turned to slits. “No.”
“Parker.”
“I said no. Just leave it be, Beckham. Please.”
From the way her voice strained on her plea, her pain at selling him was obvious. I could get him back, I could drive there right now—
I forced myself to stop.
Parker told me to leave it, so for now, I’d leave it.
“Alright.” My lips rolled together as I considered the possibility of overstepping. The last thing I wanted to do was scare her away. “I’ll be back later today. You still have my number?”
She nodded. For some reason, that sent an electric shock to my heart.
I rubbed at my chest, backing toward the door. “Call me if you need anything.”
“I will.”
With one last look back, I left, making sure to lock the door behind me in case she decided to go back to sleep.
I couldn’t imagine how exhausting it would be to travel so heavily while being pregnant.
I was thankful she now had a home base to feel comfortable and safe in, rather than sleeping in that trailer—as much as the absence of it filled me with hurt on her behalf.
When I got to my truck, I hesitated with the driver’s door open and pulled out my phone. I clicked Sage’s text thread and began typing.
Me: What was one thing you bought immediately and loved the most when you first got pregnant?
Sage began replying right away. With her staying home with Avery while running her own bakery from their house, she typically had her phone on her.
Sage: Probably a pregnancy pillow. Why?
Me: Just curious
Sage: Do your brothers know you got someone pregnant?
I snorted. My brothers would be the last people to know if that were to ever happen. As close as I was with my family, they were all loudmouths. If the Bronson brothers knew anything, chances were the entire town of Bell Buckle knew, too.
Me: No, because it didn’t happen
Sage: Did you get invited to a baby shower then?
Me: No, I’m not a woman
Sage: Men can go to those too, you know
Me: Can they?
Sage: You have a lot to learn if you have a baby on the way
Me: We’ll discuss classes next time I come hang out with Avery
Sage: She keeps asking when you’re coming next
Me: Tell her I’ll take her for a ride this week. I gotta go. Thanks for the advice
Sage: I’m always a text away
Me: I know
She replied with an eye-roll emoji before I pocketed the phone and hopped in the truck.
As I started it, I realized that since my mind had been on Parker, I hadn’t had to remind myself to breathe.
Maybe the air was a little clearer when she was around. The skies a little less gloomy. And the constant worry in the back of my mind a little more eased.