Chapter 17 - Parker
PARKER
Shopping options in Bell Buckle were…limited.
When I told Beckham about my plans with the girls to go shopping for new clothes, he insisted on playing chauffeur.
Somehow, on the ride to the nearest bigger town, I’d convinced him to drive home and that I’d get a ride back with Lettie.
After promising we’d leave before dark, he gave in.
Now, we sifted through racks of clothes at a little boutique Sage had found online.
I’d already found two pairs of jeans I loved, but unfortunately, they wouldn’t fit over my belly, and I wasn’t sure if my size would change after I had the baby—so I decided to pass and hope they were still here by the time I lost my baby weight.
Brandy was over by the single dressing room with Oakley while Lettie and Sage stuck close to me.
“Do you know the sex?” Sage asked me, pulling out a violet sundress and holding it up to get a better look at it.
“Boy.” It was the first they’d asked about my baby, and I didn’t think their avoidance of bringing it up came from a place of uncaring.
I got the impression they didn’t want to pester me for information, but honestly, I wanted to talk about it.
For an entire four months, I was alone in this pregnancy.
Sure, it was nice to talk to Beckham about the baby when he asked, but he couldn’t relate to the way a woman’s body changed.
Or some of the other pregnancy-related…things.
“Do you know yours?” I asked Sage.
“Not yet. We’re doing a gender reveal on the ranch in a couple weeks. If you’d like to come, I’d love to have you there.” Sage set the dress back on the rack, checking for other sizes.
Her mention of a gender reveal had my heart squeezing. I’d learned my baby was a boy off the doctor’s app on my phone. There was no pink or blue frosting hidden inside a cupcake, no confetti falling from a popped balloon.
I was over halfway through this pregnancy, and I feared I’d mourn every second of it. The big milestones, the bump photos. I hadn’t done any of it because I was more focused on finding places to survive rather than enjoying the time spent growing my baby.
Would he one day resent me for not celebrating him before he was born?
Sage paused her rifling through the hangers. “Are you having a baby shower?”
I snapped my attention to her, not having realized I’d zoned out. Curiosity was etched on her features, like she didn’t understand why I seemed sad.
I quickly went back to looking at a few shirts folded on the table in front of me. I had no idea what to say. No, I don’t have anyone to invite because my family is all dead and the closest relative I know of lives hours away and has a daughter of his own. “I wasn’t planning on it.”
“Oh my gosh.” The clap of Lettie’s hands had me jumping. “You two can have a baby shower together! Brandy, Oakley, and I can plan it.”
“It could be farm-themed,” Oakley offered.
The clothes seemed to be forgotten as Oakley and Brandy came to join us.
“I don’t want to take away from Sage—” I started.
“Do not even think about finishing that sentence,” Oakley interrupted, bright green eyes pinning me in place.
“I’m due in April,” Sage informed me. “When are you due?”
“February.” Being two months apart from her somehow eased some of my worries, like I wouldn’t be in the newborn trenches alone. I had no idea what I was doing despite the countless books I’d been reading, and knowing Sage already had experience being a mom comforted me.
“Let’s plan it for January then,” Lettie decided.
While the girls got to talking about their ideas for the farm-themed shower, I headed over to a corner with various styles of bralettes. Wires were becoming more and more uncomfortable every day, so I figured switching and getting a bigger size might help ease some of the pain in my breasts.
I set my sights on a more deep-cut one, looking through the drawers to see what colors they had in stock.
“It’s a lot, huh?” Sage’s voice had me looking up from where I was crouched.
“There are so many colors to choose from,” I said with a light chuckle.
“There are.” Sage’s lips flattened into a small smile. “But I meant the baby.”
I paused, taken off guard by her seeming to want to talk on a deeper level. While traveling, so many conversations I had were superficial. I was never in one place long enough to form lasting relationships.
“It is,” I admitted, using the edge of the table to help me straighten.
“I was a single mom before I met Callan,” she told me.
My heart squeezed at the thought of how hard that must’ve been.
“Avery and I had to make it on our own after moving somewhere new.” Her gaze fell like she was remembering all of it before locking eyes with me. “But no one is more strong than a mom trying to make a better life for her child.”
I nodded, any words I might’ve been about to say escaping me. It was hard to think I’d be doing so much of this alone, let alone speak about it.
“Do you know who the dad is?” she asked, her tone soft, like she didn’t want to scare me away, but also wanted to make it known she was here if I wanted to talk.
My fingers messed with the strap of the bra in my hand. “I do.”
She dipped her chin in acknowledgement before shifting topics. “Do you have any names picked out?”
All I felt was relief that she didn’t press further. So many people only started a conversation to gain information from it. So little actually wanted to only talk.
“I haven’t really thought that far ahead yet.” Hell, I’d barely thought about the baby’s wardrobe. I was so focused on finding doctors for appointments, and then my dad’s funeral came up, that everything was slipping through my fingers at a pace I couldn’t keep up with.
“Do you?” I asked.
“We’ve floated some around, but Callan wants to look our baby in the eyes before he settles. He says that’ll help him decide,” she explained, a look of nostalgia crossing her features, like maybe she once fought as hard for happiness as I was right now.
“Does that work?”
She shrugged, setting a hand on the table beside us. “It helped with Avery. I was the only one involved in picking out her name, and I was scared I’d pick wrong.”
My mouth puckered in thought, but I didn’t want to press for more.
She must’ve noticed my curiosity, because she clarified, “The man who got me pregnant wasn’t all too eager to help plan for the baby. That included bouncing around names.”
Empathy hit me straight in the gut. Sage seemed so sweet, and hearing she’d had that experience was painful. “I’m sorry.”
She waved me off. “It’s in the past. Callan has made up for it.” A smile split her lips before it faded again. “If you’re in a similar situation, Parker…”
I gnawed on my bottom lip, trying to figure out how to explain this.
“I didn’t have a great childhood, so I always told myself that if I had kids, it’d be when I was ready and able to make their lives amazing.
” My hand instinctively went to my stomach.
“He’s not coming at the most ideal time, but when I was faced with the choice of raising him or having an abortion, I couldn’t choose the latter.
Those two little lines woke something up inside of me, and from that moment, I knew I’d do anything to protect my baby. ”
With a deep breath, I looked longingly at my belly before continuing. “He didn’t want me to have this baby. He didn’t want any financial ties, no ‘burden,’ as he called it. But he had never hurt me, despite often being a selfish prick.”
“Until he did,” Sage stated quietly. Of course, she could see the signs. She’d probably been through worse.
“Until he did,” I confirmed.
She set a gentle hand on my arm and leaned closer.
“You’re not alone in this. Names come and go, but your love for your baby won’t.
It’ll be there every hard day to nip you in the ass and remind you that you can do hard things.
” She squeezed. “Don’t force the process.
I’m sure once you hold him, you’ll know. You’re not failing, Parker. I promise.”
Because even though we’d been simply talking about names, she could tell it was more than that.
It was the crib, the type of bottles we’d use, how I wanted my labor, whether I could even keep a baby alive, how I’d deal with diaper rash or his first tooth coming in.
And Sage was right. I wasn’t alone for any of that.
If I chose to stay in Bell Buckle and raise my baby here, I didn’t think there’d ever be a single day I’d be alone.
“Can we talk about pacifiers?”
Sage’s smile gleamed. “Of course.”
With the sun setting on the horizon, I waved goodbye to Lettie as she backed out of Beckham’s driveway.
Once she turned onto the road, I closed the front door to Beckham’s double-wide and pressed my back against it, shutting my eyes and dropping the shopping bags.
My head rested back as I couldn’t help the smile that bloomed.
I had a good day. With girls who I’d known since childhood, and new ones I felt just as comfortable with.
They’d never once treated me like I was impeding on their shopping trip.
Instead, we laughed and smiled and gave each other opinions on outfit choices.
They’d listened intently when I told them stories of my travels, rather than zoning out or acting disinterested.
Sage and I had talked babies for so long, I was surprised the others didn’t get sick of us.
It felt nice to learn things that hadn’t stemmed from Google or a pregnancy book. As informational as both were, there was nothing like getting tips from another mom.
The whole day, I’d forgotten my phone even existed, and it felt like taking a deep breath after being underwater for too long.
With social media having been the way I made a living for so long, I was constantly on my device doing everything under the sun.
Responding to DMs, editing a video, emailing about a brand deal—it was all exhausting and time-consuming, but for a while, I loved it.