Chapter 30 Beckham
BECKHAM
EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD
My ass grew numb against the heat of the metal pole. The bale of hay beside me was likely a whole pound lighter due to the amount I’d plucked from it, breaking each piece into dozens of tiny slivers only to give my hands something to do.
Parker wasn’t late to our final goodbye. I was early.
To avoid acceptance of any hard situation, most people would simply not show up at all. Me? I showed up early, my nerves not allowing me the opportunity of missing our last farewell.
No one was around to ruin this moment—my siblings were either working somewhere on the ranch or at their respective jobs, and my parents were inside the house.
They all knew how important Parker was to me, and how badly this would hurt.
Hell, it already did. What was I supposed to do without Parker Summerhill in my life?
Without her smiling up at me with those big, bright white teeth and those freckles folding into the creases of her scrunched nose?
How would I live without her laugh? Or the thought to get her a Dr. Pepper on ice every time I passed that gas station down the road?
What would a gaping black hole look like? Well, this was my answer.
Would there even be a sun without her? Because as far as I was aware, that giant ball of fire only hung in the sky to shine light on her beauty, to deepen the shades of her freckles and sunburn those shoulders I loved so much.
Unable to sit still any longer, I shoved off the fence that led to the pasture and paced the driveway in front of the barn. I did that for thirty minutes until Parker’s truck rolled up at exactly two o’clock, just like we’d agreed.
Behind it, she towed a three-horse trailer.
She’d found the gooseneck on the side of the road in terrible condition.
When she’d asked for my help picking it up, it didn’t even have a door.
But now, as she swung it around in a large half circle, I saw just how devoted she’d really been to making that thing shine.
Her plan was to live in its living quarters while she traveled with Tex, experiencing the country while also learning more about different ranches and their ways of doing things.
She parked the truck and got out, and the forced smile she shot me already had my heart breaking in two.
“You like it?” she asked when she stopped a couple feet from me, glancing at the trailer behind her.
“You sure that’s the same one I helped you drag fourteen miles home?”
Her honey-golden eyes landed on me, and I soaked them in a little more than I usually did. If this was the last time I was going to see her, I had to commit it to memory.
“Same exact one. It’s crazy what a little help sign at the feed store will get you from the locals.”
I chuckled while silently cursing this town and their eagerness to give. But her leaving was inevitable, sparkling trailer or not. At least this way she wasn’t couch-hopping or relying on some janky motel.
My hands slid in the front pockets of my jeans, fighting the urge to reach for her. I’d have to get used to not touching Parker whenever I wanted because, well, she simply wouldn’t be around.
“I’ve got Tex in the cross-ties if you’re ready for him. Picked his feet and gave him a bath.”
“You didn’t have to do that,” she said, and she almost sounded a little guilty.
I looked down at my boots. “I wanted to.” Because it was the last time I’d ever get to.
We walked side by side to the barn until we reached Tex. His ears instantly perked when Parker came around the corner, and I almost felt jealous. Of a horse. He got to go with her, and I didn’t. How the fuck else was I supposed to feel?
“Hey, bud.” She ran a hand down his nose before unclipping his halter from the cross-ties.
Tex was a beautiful sorrel with three white socks. He and Parker were inseparable. As rough of a past as he’d had, he never let that affect how he treated her. I could only imagine he’d be happy as ever bonding with her on this trip—however long it may be.
I walked a bit ahead of her so I could open the back of the trailer. She led him in with ease, and once he was secure, she triple-checked that everything looked good.
“Did you decide where you’re going first?” I asked as she closed the door.
“Montana, I think. I won’t really know until I get on the road, though. The whole point of this is no rules, you know? I’m just going to go where the wind takes me.” She latched the door, eyes scanning to be sure she hadn’t missed a lock.
I nodded, unsure what to say because it was hitting me. I’d known for months what her plan was, the same way she knew mine. Yet it hadn’t felt real until now, with her standing before me, minutes away from leaving my life for good.
She turned around, and it was like both our worlds stopped spinning. A curl flew across her forehead, caught in the breeze, but our eyes didn’t move from one another’s.
Was she feeling the pain I felt now? That achingly gutting feeling digging out the depths of my stomach and replacing it with lead? Could I even stomach a world without Parker Summerhill in it?
“So this is it,” I said, battling that urge to touch her again. If we were breaking things off, I couldn’t be doing all the things I used to do, like hug her whenever I wanted and lay claim to those pretty pink lips of hers.
“This is it.” Her shoulders fell with her released breath. Or maybe it was the weight of this goodbye that sat heavy on her.
I knew it did for me.
There wasn’t much else for us to say. We’d already discussed everything.
How I’d be leaving to dive more seriously into rodeo.
How she’d be in a lot of places without cell reception.
How we could talk, but we shouldn’t. This was supposed to be a time where we both found ourselves. At least, that’s what she’d called it.
I’d already found my place, though. With her.
But this would be good for us. We’d figure out what we wanted in this life, and if fate worked the way we hoped, maybe we’d find each other again.
With her mom having just recently passed, I highly doubted Parker would be coming back to Bell Buckle anytime soon, if ever. There was nothing left for her here. Not without me.
I’d wanted to tell her to wait for me. To assure her that once I was back in Bell Buckle, away from rodeo, I still wanted her.
But that wouldn’t have been fair for her.
I wanted her to be happy and find herself.
And, well, if that one day wasn’t with me, then I’d have to accept the fact that maybe it wasn’t just right person, wrong time. That maybe it was all wrong.
Except I refused to believe that was the case for us. Parker and I were endgame. Maybe not in the most conventional way, but I had hope this wasn’t the end for us.
Yet that little voice in the back of my head told me this might be the last time.
“I should probably go,” Parker said hesitantly, looking almost pained as she spoke.
“Right. You could get a few hours underway before it’s dark if you leave now.”
“Yeah.” She inhaled like she was breathing in my presence for the last time.
“Drive safe, okay? For however long you stay in that thing.” I lifted my chin in the direction of the truck and trailer. “And close your curtains at night.”
She smiled, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes. “You’ve told me that at least a dozen times.”
“I’ll tell you a dozen more if you don’t get going.” What the fuck was I doing? I wanted more of her. To soak in this moment a little longer. Yet here I was, shoving her away like her being on this ranch was wasting my time.
I had to think it was some inner part of me telling me that if she didn’t go now, I’d never let her go at all.
She opened her mouth a few times like she didn’t know how to say the words. Then she cooled her features and landed on, “Goodbye, Beck.”
“Goodbye, Park.”
We stared at each other a few seconds longer, neither of us knowing what the right thing to do was. Did we hug? Shake hands? Give a whole speech? No one taught us how to say goodbye to the love of our lives at eighteen.
She turned, rounding the end of the trailer to head toward the driver’s side of her truck. She barely made it five steps before my feet started moving.
She must’ve heard my boots crunch the gravel, because she stopped and spun. “Beck, what are you—”
I swallowed the last part of her sentence with my kiss.
One hand wrapped around her elbow while my other snaked into her blonde curls.
I breathed in her vanilla scent, basking in that hint of almond I loved.
I’d snuck a peek at her body wash and bought my own bottle—not to use, but to smell when I missed her.
Maybe that was weird, but there was no hiding how obsessed I was with her.
Her mouth moved with mine like it had so many times before.
Our tongues bounced against each other before diving deeper into the kiss.
My hand slid from her elbow to her waist, tugging her closer until her stomach was flush with mine.
She arched her back, wrapping her arm around the back of my neck while her other hand fisted in my shirt.
We were a cacophony of heavy breathing, hungry kisses, and pained thoughts. I didn’t want to let her go—not now, not ever. But when we finally stopped, we both refused to open our eyes. Our foreheads pressed together, our noses brushing like they had so many times before.
“Now I can say goodbye,” I murmured, utterly breathless.
Our chests rose and fell, bumping against one another’s. The realization that this would be the last time I’d feel her heart beat against mine was like a bullet passing straight through me.
I shoved away the pain of her leaving, forcing myself to release her. I took one step back, then another. Her lips were puffy, her eyes glassy. Why the fuck were we doing this to ourselves?
“I’ll miss you,” she whispered.
“Every single day.”
With one last look, she got in her truck. I didn’t move as she pulled out of the driveway and onto the road. I stood there for hours, unable to walk away from the spot where I’d last touched her.
I told myself missing her wouldn’t always be this painful.
That one day, I wouldn’t feel the gaping hole in my chest as badly as I did at that moment.
God, was I wrong.