Chapter Seven #2
He stuffed his mouth to prevent himself from saying something about how she never liked it before, never liked any dressing really, and had always commented on how vinaigrette tasted like paint varnish.
Felix was pretty certain she only enjoyed the cider he produced out of support for him because she’d never been one for strong flavors.
Autumn assessed him, her blue eyes studying his face before she blinked and turned to the window. “Looks like it might rain.”
“Yup,” Felix replied automatically.
It could have been sunny and eighty degrees outside and he would have said the same thing.
The conversation was so stilted, and he couldn’t remember the last time they talked about the weather unless it was in regards to how it would impact the plans they were making.
He looked at her untouched macaroni and tapped her plate with his fork.
“Eat it while it’s warm. You hate cold macaroni.”
Autumn nodded and dug into the pasta. Felix did the same, stopping momentarily when he saw Autumn frowning as she chewed. She looked over at him, her eyes wary as she put down her fork. “Thank you for making dinner. It was really sweet of you.”
Felix could tell there was more to that sentence, but she remained quiet.
“But...?” He prompted. Autumn rolled her lips inward.
Her hesitation at speaking her mind around him was also new, and something he instantly disliked.
Her memories were missing, but parts of her that he recognized had seemed to disappear along with them.
With a polite smile on her face, Autumn finally spoke.
“It’s kind of bland. Do you have anything I could add to it to maybe punch it up a little?
” Before he could answer, she pushed back her chair and moved over to the pantry where she rummaged around until she emerged with his bottle of Screaming Dragon Hot Sauce. “Can I try this?”
Felix nodded dumbly and watched as she returned to the table and dumped a shitload of the green sauce all over her pasta. “It’s pretty spicy,” he warned. Screaming Dragon was his favorite, but it would destroy the palate of anyone who wasn’t used to spice, a category Autumn definitely fell into.
Autumn smiled and scooped up a bite, shoving it into her mouth. Felix waited for the inevitable tears to well in her eyes, for her to start fanning her tongue, or for her to scream for milk or any other dairy to numb the pain, but none of those happened.
Instead, she smiled and took another hearty bite. “Thanks. This is so much better.”
Felix took the bottle from the table and looked at it.
Not expired. Twisting off the cap, he poured a generous amount onto his own plate and took a large bite.
The sting that always came from the sauce that was high enough on the Scoville scale to scare off even the most ardent spicy food aficionado was there, as was the heat that lingered long after he’d swallowed his bite.
Autumn continued to enjoy her heat laden macaroni with a genuine smile on her face. “Wow. I guess you like spicy food now.” Felix scooped another forkful, only to pause again when he was met with silence.
Apparently, that had been the wrong thing to say, and to some extent he knew it the moment the words left his mouth. Autumn took a large gulp of water and stared at him, her eyes uncertain and a little glassy. “Did I not before?”
Felix smiled sadly and shook his head. “Not really, but it has been a while since you tried it, so maybe you would have liked it before anyway.” Felix seriously doubted the validity of his statement, but when she looked so sad, he couldn’t just sit there and say nothing.
“Maybe,” she said quietly. Her blue eyes met his. They were still the same stormy blue they always were, but the look behind them was more contemplative than he’d seen from her in a long time. “I wonder what else I like now.”
Felix gulped. “Yeah, I wonder.”
What little appetite he’d had evaporated quicker than the words he’d just uttered and his stomach twisted itself into a pretzel of worry.
Thoughts of what else she might like weren’t what caused the feeling of terror to spread out from his insides out or his fingers to tremble slightly with dread, but musings of what she might not like anymore.
Would Autumn no longer care for him, not just as a friend, but as a potential romantic partner as well?
The thought made Felix sick to his stomach.
As much as he wanted to stay and be there to support Autumn, he had to flee before he confessed his feelings all over again, begged her to remember what they were to each other, and potentially made everything between them much, much worse.
That was a mistake he wouldn’t allow himself to make, and in his current mental state, doing something stupid was a distinct possibility.
Standing, Felix smiled apologetically as he took his plate to the sink. “I actually need to head out to go speak with Lottie. Will you be okay on your own here for a little while?”
Autumn looked confused by his sudden departure, but she also looked slightly relieved.
Seeing happiness at his having to leave gutted him again, sending another piece of shrapnel that was his shattered heart digging deeper into his chest. Felix grabbed his things before his open book face read aloud the fear that was building up within him, ready to bubble over at any second.
Nodding, Autumn pushed some of the macaroni around on her plate. “Yeah. I’ll just watch television or read or something.”
“Great,” he mumbled. Handing her the phone his parents had procured for her, he leaned down to kiss her forehead only to remember that they didn’t do that anymore.
Or did they? He didn’t know and that alone had him screaming internally with agony.
Patting her shoulder awkwardly, he stepped back and pointed to the phone.
“Call me or my parents if you need anything. I’ll see you later, okay? ”
“Sure.” Autumn waved goodbye, but he barely saw it since he was too busy running down the stairs to his car, wanting to be anywhere else than with the person he loved.
****
W alking into Branch and Brew was like stepping into another world, a world where Felix had control, and at that moment he needed to feel that he had command of at least one thing in his life.
Everything with Autumn was such a jumbled mess, and he felt unsure about every step he took, like a baby bird wanting to leave the nest but afraid he would fall to the ground and break.
At any moment, Felix felt like he could scatter into a million pieces and wasn’t sure how he would manage to put himself back together again.
Other than his family, Autumn had been the biggest constant in his life and now that constant was anything but.
Not only was she different, but they were different, and having such a foundational part of his life crumbling had him feeling so off kilter he nearly tripped on his way inside his business.
Autumn’s parents were coming the next day, and he was hoping that would help take some of the pressure off of him.
Guilt and shame flooded his system at his selfish thoughts as he approached the bar where Lottie was slinging beers and laughing with customers.
The moment she raised her eyes and saw him, Lottie winked at the group of men and women she was entertaining and stepped out to speak with him.
Grabbing his elbow, she steered him toward the alcove near the back hallway.
Keeping her eyes half on the bar and half on him, a frown pulled at her mouth as she shot him a pointed look.
“What are you doing here, Felix? I told you I had everything covered.”
Felix nodded. “I know, I know.” He raked his hand through his hair, rubbing his fingers to try and get rid of some of the grease.
Hospital shampoo left a lot to be desired.
“I just needed a breather.” His voice broke on that last word and before he could stop himself, tears were falling down his face for the umpteenth time that week.
“Oh my God,” Lottie exclaimed. Tossing her tea towel to Bruce, the part-timer Felix had hired years ago to fill in on weekends, Lottie ushered him back into the office and shut the door.
Her arms wrapped around him and pulled him into a hug as she made soft shushing noises that reminded Felix of his mom.
The comfort she was providing was nice, but it only caused him to cry harder.
Finally able to shed some of the burden he’d been shouldering for days, he let the tears run like a wild river as he let go of the emotions he’d been holding at bay.
Fear, grief, anger, and heartbreak spilled out of his chest and onto the shoulder of Lottie’s navy sailor dress, the blue looking distinctly more black when he had finally pulled himself together enough to stop crying.
“Sorry.” His voice was hoarse from crying and he wiped at his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt. “I might have ruined your dress.”
Lottie speared him with a look that he recognized from his older brothers, the one that said you’re annoying, but I love you anyway . “Like I care, Felix.”
She pushed him to sit in the rolling chair that sat behind his desk.
It protested with a squeak under his weight, but he ignored it as he looked around the small back room where he did paperwork.
The brown walls looked the same, the corkboard where Felix pinned drink ideas and other important information was exactly where it used to be, and the beat-up couch that he’d napped on more often than he would care to admit sat against the wall just as it always had.
Nothing had changed in the office, and yet everything had changed within himself.
At least, that’s what it felt like in the moment.