Chapter 36
Thirty-six
Liz
Ipull into my brother Mark’s driveway a little after ten, sunlight bright off the windshield.
It should feel like a normal Saturday, as we’ve done this several times since I came to town.
As usual I’ve showed up in leggings and an old sweater, and I’ll probably drink too much coffee while Nicky toddles from room to room, pushing trucks and babbling to himself.
But I still feel a little off. There’s a heaviness in my chest I can’t shake, and I don’t know what to do about it.
Nicky and Mark meet me on the sidewalk, and Nicky takes my hand to lead me in.
When his excitement settles, Sam stops scurrying, and we’re all seated at the kitchen table, Mark’s attention returns to me.
He pours me a cup of coffee and leans back, arms crossing in that familiar way that says he’s done waiting for me to volunteer information.
“Did you stay long last night?” he asks.
“Long enough,” I say, keeping it breezy.
Sam puts a stack of pancakes in front of me. “You left early, didn’t you?”
My shrug feels stiff. “I stayed until everyone was off to dance with their partners.”
Mark grunts softly. “Which means you didn’t want to be there.”
“It was fine,” I repeat.
Nicky presses into my side, humming to himself as he drags a crayon in messy loops across a piece of paper Sam has slid in front of him. His weight is warm and unguarded, the simple trust of it amazing to me.
Mark clears his throat. “You know you don’t have to pretend with us.”
I keep my eyes on my coffee. “I’m not pretending.”
Except I am. And they both know it.
Sam nudges my plate. “Eat a little. You’ll feel better.”
I take a bite to appease her, but the food sits heavy. My mind drifts back to last night.
Mark taps his fork against his plate. “So,” he says, “what actually happened?”
“Nothing. Really. I just wasn’t feeling it. I’m new here, and I didn’t feel like explaining over and over who I was and why I left Vancouver.”
Sam studies my face in that soft, steady way of hers.
“It was just one of those nights,” I continue. “Crowded. Loud. Everyone seemed to know everyone.” I shake my head. “It wasn’t dramatic. I just felt out of place without a date, so I left.”
Mark leans forward. “How come you didn’t bring a date?”
“I don’t really know anyone,” I say. “Trinity was supposed to come, but she wasn’t feeling well. I rode there with her brother-in-law and his wife, but they were seated elsewhere, and my coworkers were all there with their partners.”
He doesn’t respond right away.
I set my fork down. “It just…didn’t feel good, being there by myself.”
Mark’s gaze sharpens—not judgment, just recognition. “You felt alone.”
“Yeah,” I say quietly. “I guess I did.”
Sam reaches across the table and rests her fingers around my wrist. “You could’ve called.”
“And had you come rescue me?” I huff. “Not a chance.”
Mark wipes his hands on a towel and drapes it over the back of his chair.
“Liz,” he says, “you don’t have to pretend this move hasn’t been harder than you expected.”
I open my mouth, but he shakes his head.
“You’ve always been the one who steps in,” he continues. “At work. With us. With Mom. You smooth things over. Hold everything together.”
Sam nods. “You do so much for everyone.”
“And you don’t let anyone take care of you,” he adds.
I look between them, eyes wide.
Sam covers my hand with hers. “You deserve the same care you give everyone else.”
My throat tightens.
Sam gives my hand a gentle squeeze. Mark leans back, satisfied but not smug.
“It’s not complicated,” Sam says softly. “You’re lonely. Not because you don’t have people, but because you’re not letting yourself want more.”
That pulls a groan from me. “It feels like I’ve been on autopilot,” I admit. “Work, home, repeat. Everyone else is living, and I’m just…orbiting around their lives.”
“Then change the orbit,” she says.
Nicky climbs into my lap without warning, warm and a little sticky, pressing his cheek against my shoulder.
“Stay,” he says softly.
I laugh, the sound surprised out of me, and kiss the top of his head. “I’m not leaving yet, and I’ll always be back soon, sweetheart.”
Mark smiles.
“You’re allowed to want a life,” Sam says.
“I want something real,” I agree.
“Then let yourself have it,” she replies.
As breakfast winds down, I feel calmer, though I’m still not sure what I want to do. Nicky toddles off toward the living room, chanting something about trucks, leaving syrupy fingerprints on my sleeve.
I help Sam clear the plates while Mark dries his hands.
“What are you doing for the rest of the day?” she asks.
“Not much,” I tell her. “I’m going to Trinity’s later to watch Theo so she and Greyson can do something with his family. Until then…nothing.”
“Good.” She bumps my elbow. “Give yourself a quiet afternoon.”
Mark walks me to the door and pauses before opening it.
“You’re allowed to want things,” he says softly. “In your real life.”
I let out a breath. “I know.”
“I’m not sure you do,” he says. “But you will.”
“I’m trying,” I say.
“That’s all I want.”
Nicky barrels into me for one last hug, arms wrapping around my thighs. I hold him close.
“Bye, Izzie,” he says, waving before the hug even ends.
“I’ll be back soon,” I promise.
By the time I pull into Trinity and Greyson’s condo driveway, the afternoon has settled into that quiet, in-between light where shadows stretch long across the lawn.
I’m early by almost an hour. But she told me to come anytime, and after this morning, sitting alone at home felt like slipping backward.
I ring her unit out of habit even though she always tells me not to bother. She buzzes me in and Trinity meets at the elevator with Theo balanced on one hip, his small hand fisted in her sweater.
“You’re early,” she says, smiling. “Good. I’m so sorry about last night.”
Theo reaches out the second he sees me. I take him without thinking, settling his warm little body against mine. He smells like apple slices and whatever toddler lotion Trinity buys in bulk.
“It worked out.”
Her eyes sharpen a little at that. She steps back to let me in. “Rough day?”
“I’m just figuring some things out.”
She nods without demanding information. She pulls her hair into a loose ponytail as she walks toward the kitchen. “Greyson’s with his family already. I’m supposed to go meet them, but then Theo refused his nap and found the markers.”
I follow her, Theo bobbing gently against my shoulder. “How bad was it?”
She points to a faint green smear on her jeans. “Let’s just say Crayola owes me.”
Theo pats my cheek and whispers something that sounds like “truck.” I nod as if I understand him because that’s what he wants.
Trinity stops at the counter and looks at me again, her expression questioning. “Are you sure you’re okay?” she asks.
I shift Theo’s weight in my arms. “I will be.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Maybe later,” I say. “I’m still figuring out what I’m feeling.”
She accepts that. It’s one of the things I love most about her. She’s intuitive without being invasive.
“Well,” she says, “you’re here now. That’s something.”
“It is.”
She grabs her purse and coat. “If you don’t mind, I think I’ll go ahead and go. Theo’s already eaten. He’ll want to play for a while, and then he’ll crash. If he gets fussy, sit with him in the rocker.”
“I’ve got him,” I assure her.
She pauses, watching me. “You seem…softer today.”
“I had breakfast with Mark and Sam.”
She steps closer and squeezes my arm. “Let yourself lean a little, Liz. You don’t have to do everything alone.”
Her words land almost exactly where Mark’s did. I’m so lucky to have these supports.
“I’m trying,” I say.
“Good.” She grabs her keys. “Because you deserve more than just surviving.”
I look down at Theo, who is now gently tugging on my necklace like he’s testing its limits.
“Yeah,” I agree. “I’m starting to believe that.”
And I’d like to be walking toward something instead of just standing still.