5. Scarlett
5
SCARLETT
I sat on my living room floor with a package on my lap waiting for Ethan to finish putting the ribbon on it. Tomorrow morning was the Christmas market in downtown Evergreen Creek, an outdoor bazaar-type gathering where all the local craft vendors, farmers, and shop owners set up booths to boost their holiday sales and exposure. With only a few days left until Christmas, it was the last-minute jab at making a bit more money.
Ethan had just gotten released from the hospital, and we promised to bring all the gifts he bought for his school friends to the market, but we never finished up wrapping them after what happened. When Nick discharged him, it was with strict orders to rest, and I didn't think wrapping presents would be too strenuous.
"It's perfect," he said, backing up. The bright red bow matched the silver paper, and with a green gift tag it was quite festive. He was smiling now, happier to be allowed to do anything besides sitting in bed. I didn't have any illusions to the fact that bedtime would be difficult. He'd done nothing but lie around for the past three days.
"Next one," I told him, setting the wrapped gift to the side. Not only was I carrying the weight of his sickness on my shoulders, but guilt from my past that I thought I'd dealt with thoroughly was now consuming me.
I had hidden an entire person from Nick for years. When he gave me his number—on his business card—I knew instantly who he was. I'd seen some of the headlines already and I knew his life was a trainwreck. I promised to call him, but that was before I learned who he was, that I'd be sucked into that mess and probably have my name smeared through the papers. I couldn't afford to get bad press back then. My bakery had only just started. I needed it to succeed, and I couldn't throw that away over hot sex.
The spark of connection we had became a one-night stand, and I put it behind me, until months later when I learned I was pregnant, and I knew immediately whose it was. Guilt suffocated me for months as I decided to bury the secret. It consumed me postpartum too, when I should have been bonding with my son, but I spent weeks crying and wound up on anti-depressants.
Don't get me wrong, I loved Ethan the instant I felt him kick the first time. But being a single mom was so hard. On top of that, hiding the father of my baby wasn't easy. I had to give him my last name, keep Nick's name off the birth certificate, lie to my family and friends, and if that wasn't enough, I had to do it all alone. No one knew. Not a single soul.
"This one," Ethan announced, and he handed me a football he picked out for his best friend. "But maybe it just needs a ribbon. It's a weird shape." He plopped onto the floor and picked up the bag of ribbons, but he frowned at me. "You're sad, Mommy."
The weight on my shoulders should never have been visible to my boy, but he was so compassionate, I knew I'd never hide it from him.
"Just a little worried," I told him, though I didn't tell him about what. He was way too young to listen to me vent, and how would I ever bring up the real worry I had? If Nick told me, as a skilled professional, that Ethan would be fine, then I had to trust that. My worries were deeper now, things a child shouldn't have to know.
"I'm not sick anymore, okay. I'm better, so you don't have to worry." If only it were that simple. I smiled at him, but he wasn't buying it. "I'll be right back," he said, and he shot off to the kitchen.
"Walking!" I shouted, biting my lower lip.
Ethan's pace slowed, but he was still rushing. I hated that for the foreseeable future he wouldn't be a normal kid. His heart needed to rest more, which meant no roughhousing and no sports. It made me sad because Ethan really was so good at everything, so athletic, he could very well grow up to pursue sports as a career, or at the very least, end up with a scholarship to college for something. We just had to fix this heart issue first.
When he came back, it brought tears to my eyes. He had a Christmas cookie on a saucer, and in the other hand he carried a cup of milk. His hands were unsteady, and he dribbled a bit of milk as he set the cup and saucer down on the table, but he beamed with pride.
"Cookies always help me feel better," he said as he sat back down beside me, and I set the football aside to pull him onto my lap.
"You are just the sweetest thing in the world. You know that?" I kissed his whole face and he started laughing, so I tickled him too. When I felt like he was getting a bit too worked up, I stopped tickling him, but my phone started to ring. "Let me answer this, and then we'll finish the gifts, okay?"
He climbed off my lap and went back to sorting through the ribbon bag while I pulled my cell out of my pocket and swiped to answer. It was Nellie, and my gut told me what she wanted already.
"Hey, what's up?"
"Scar, you have got to get down here. I have all the cakes done and the pies, but we have five hundred cupcakes left, and the muffins…I'm freaking out." Nellie sounded panicked and I knew I had been slacking. With spending all that time in the hospital with Ethan, all my baking had gone by the wayside, and she was left picking up the slack. I owed her big time.
"Wow, okay. I'm so sorry, Nels. I'll find a sitter and come right away." Even as the words rolled off my tongue, Ethan's face screwed up into a frown.
Nellie hung up without responding, and I knew she was probably off racing back to the oven. If I left right now the two of us would still be baking all night long to make sure we were prepped. Tomorrow would be an exhausting day. I'd be lucky to get a few hours of sleep between batches of cupcakes, and I would look like death warmed over when I met Nick for coffee.
"No, Mommy. I want you to be here." Ethan's little lip quivered in a pout and I knew how he felt. I didn't want to work either.
"I have to go, baby." I sighed and started flicking through my contacts to find a sitter.
"But you promised to wrap the presents with me." He looked on the verge of tears, but I had no choice. If I didn't do this, my bakery wouldn't be properly represented at the Christmas market. This was my income, my livelihood. It sucked that as an entrepreneur all the weight fell on my shoulders, and as a single mom there was no dad here to pick up the slack. I felt torn between my two loves.
"I'll take you for cocoa tomorrow afternoon after the sale, okay?" My offer was a sad consolation prize, and he didn't seem happy either. I just hoped Nellie wasn't too upset about having to do double duty for so long. I'd have to make it up to her somehow. And then I'd have to learn a better work-life balance. I couldn't keep doing this. I was tired.