15. Scarlett
15
SCARLETT
I poured the batter into the prepared cake pans but the chill in the kitchen despite the ovens' heat made me tense. Nellie hadn't been herself in a week. She never did apologize for completely bailing on me on Ethan's last snow day, and while I never addressed it either, I expected something more from her.
When my cake pans were in the oven, I started cleaning up the prep table to move on to my next task, and I found myself across from Nellie. Her head was down and she was focused on cutting donuts. I had to break the tension between us or it would just continue. I knew I had upset her, but I did think she was taking it a little far.
"Hey, can we talk?" I leaned on the prep table and watched as her movements slowed and she sighed.
"Sure," Nellie sighed, and she dusted the flour from her hands, careful not to touch anything but the prep surface.
"I can tell you're upset, and I just wanted a chance to explain some things." I felt a bit anxious about talking to Nellie about my private life. We chatted now and then about certain personal things, but it wasn't like we were super close. I didn't purposefully hide things from her; we were just busy people and I was too busy for intimate friendships. Life was speeding by and I had no time for anything but small talk.
"Okay?" she said, and the hint of frustration was still in her tone.
Nellie didn't know anything about what was going on with Ethan, just that he was sick and having appointments. For all she knew it was the flu and lingering complications. I told her the bare minimum because I was too scared to open up, too scared to say it out loud and admit I was struggling. But I thought opening up to her might actually help her understand, and maybe it would show her that I wasn't intentionally dumping my business on her.
"So, I know you've been doing more than your share of work. I try really hard to show you I'm appreciative." I bit my lip and sighed as I made the final decision to tell her. "Ethan's been sick. You know that."
"Yeah, how's he doing?" she asked, and I knew she genuinely cared. When Ethan came in here after school some days to do his homework, Nellie was always friendly. She was great with kids, and she'd make a great mother someday.
"Not good…" I winced as I told her about his condition and how he was struggling. She listened thoughtfully, though she kept working. I did too. There was never any time to waste in a bakery, especially in the wee hours of the morning.
"So he has to have surgery?" The thoughtful question told me she was listening, and it felt good to get it off my chest. The only person I'd spoken to about this situation was Nick, and he was so close to it. I felt like it was hard for him to really understand how I was feeling, because as a doctor he saw things in matters of diagnosis and recovery, not emotional connection and heartache.
"Probably, though not yet…I'm sort of scared." I had to stop working for a moment and blink back tears. "I just thought if you knew the extent of what was going on you'd understand more. I'm not making excuses, and I do plan to hire more help around here, especially after Marisol quit."
Nellie smiled sadly. "It's okay, Scarlett. I get frustrated and snap sometimes. It doesn't mean I'm not trying to help or understand. We can find someone to help out who we both enjoy working with." She took a handful of flour and dusted the prep table again before rolling out more donut dough. She was such a diligent worker she could carry on a full conversation along with the work she was doing. I was impressed.
"There's more," I blurted out, finally feeling like I had someone to talk to. Life had been rolling along so mindlessly that I felt like I needed a good venting session. I wasn't really close to anyone, and I'd kept a lot of my fears and insecurities bottled up. After letting off some of the steam, the rest just wanted to explode out of me and there was little I could do to stop it.
"What's that?" she asked, picking up the rolling pin.
"I'm dating Nick Edwards," I confessed, though she probably had an inkling that was happening. I knew a few people around town had been talking about it already.
Nellie's eyes traced up to my face and she looked at me with concern. "The scandal guy?"
"I really need to get this off my chest, Nel." I didn't realize how good it felt to open up and talk about life until I told her about Ethan. Now I wanted to tell her about everything, because if I had to keep carrying it around on my own, I was going to snap. The other night when Nick asked me about having a family, I flipped out and almost told him about Ethan.
"Do you think that's a good idea?" she asked me. I knew she wasn't judgmental like the rest of the town, but she did want what was best for the bakery.
"I slept with him." The admission rolled off my tongue as I chewed the inside of my cheek. "Eight years ago. I had a one- night stand. It was right before that scandal really blew up and I got really scared to pursue anything. I didn't want the backlash…And anyway. I was pregnant."
Nellie stared at me for a hard second as I raised my eyebrows and tried to control my breathing. No one else was here. The cameras I had installed for security didn't have mics for recording, but somehow I felt very exposed. My secret was out, even if it was just to a trusted acquaintance I was trying to build a bridge to friendship with.
"Oh no…" She shook her head. "So Ethan is…"
I nodded but I was too ashamed to tell her the truth out loud. "And we're dating now because he recognized me, and I do this thing where I feel horribly guilty. I wanted to make him feel better knowing how the town treats him, but we had coffee that day at the Christmas market, and my God Nellie he's so amazing. I'm in so deep and I'm screwed."
I sank onto a stool behind myself and ran my hands over my apron. Nellie stopped work again and looked perplexed and a bit sad for me, but I felt like she was beginning to understand where I was coming from. I hoped it would make a difference next time I had to call her and ask her to pick up my slack.
"I'm not sure what to say, Scarlett. It sounds like there's a lot on your plate now. I'm sorry if I've made that worse for you." Nellie frowned at me and shrugged a shoulder. "I'll do anything to help; I just need to make sure I have Easter weekend off. I'm going to visit my grandma."
I smiled at her, ready to tell her yes, since we had already talked about it, but the bell out front dinged. I knew Jeff was here to start the coffee machines. It would be time to open soon and we had a lot of work to do still. Nellie's face perked up and she looked out toward where Jeff was taking his coat off. Astutely, she remained silent after that, an understanding passing between us that what we'd just discussed was confidential. I trusted her, I just felt like a horrible person.
Nick wanted more children, and he didn't even know he had children to begin with. I was a liar and I knew it. I should've told him. I should've been brave enough to share the truth and trust that he was adult enough to understand my situation. But I wasn't. If I'd told him before any connection between us grew, I wouldn't be feeling like this. Now I was afraid my confession would push him away.
And that kept my lips tightly sealed.