19. Scarlett
19
SCARLETT
A ll I could do was watch Nick rush out. My heart was hammering and my hands were shaking, and while I shut that show off as fast as I could so Nick wouldn't hear the awful truth that I'd been lying to him, now I wanted to know what she was saying. I hurried back to the remote and picked it up off the floor, then turned the show back on. Marjorie was talking about her so-called research into my son and his parentage. Of course, she had no real proof of anything, and if I had just blown it off I'd have been fine.
But I wasn't fine.
I wanted to tell Nick the other night when Ethan was feeling ill, before we came to the emergency room. I would have too, if Ethan wouldn't have been so sick. This entire conversation would have gone much differently, and I knew Nick would have understood my position. It was time to tell him, and I messed up so badly.
Nellie wasn't to blame either. The instant I heard those words and saw the anger in her eyes I remembered that I was supposed to cover everything this weekend. She'd had plans to go out of town, and I totally flaked on her. She snapped at the camera because she was upset over my lack of being responsible and nothing more. Any human in the world could've done something like that. All of this was my fault.
I didn't even try to stop the tears from flowing. I was emotional and it felt like my heart was breaking. I loved Nick, and now I had no way of knowing what was going on inside his head. If he was hurt or if he was angry. I couldn't just chase him down either.
I was alone in my own world in my head, so when Ethan woke up because of my sniffles and sobs, it startled me.
"Mommy? Are you okay?" he asked, and I turned around to see him and forced a sad smile.
"Yeah, baby I'm alright I'm just worried about you is all." I hated lying to my child, but I justified it. I was worried. What would Ethan's life look like now that Nick knew? Would he finally have a father? Or would Nick try to take him from me? Or worse, would Nick refuse to see either of us ever again?
"Why are you and Dr. Nick on TV? What's a baby daddy?" His little eyes stared up at the screen which I'd completely forgotten was running. I quickly shut it off and tossed the remote onto the couch, then sat down and swiped the tears from my eyes.
"It's nothing, baby. You should be resting. I'm sorry I woke you up." I touched his hand softly and he frowned at me.
"You always say that. When I ask you something for grown-ups and you don't want to tell me, you say it's nothing. You're crying." For seven years old, he was definitely smart. But this wasn't something I could discuss with him yet.
"I want you to rest, okay? I don't want you to worry about me at all. Mommy's sad because you're in the hospital, and I just want to go home and everything to be fine again. Dr. Nick is going to make sure you're healthy and you can play sports again." As I said the words my voice cracked because after all of this, Nick might not even want to be Ethan's doctor anymore. It was probably against his code of ethics anyway. It was one thing to care for the sick child of someone you care about; it was another thing entirely to treat and care for your own sick child.
"I'm not a baby," Ethan grumbled, but he turned to his side and covered himself with his blanket.
My shoulders sagged and I stood and walked over to the couch. He most certainly was not a baby anymore. For eight years I'd hidden this secret from Nick and now it was going to explode in my face, thanks to that dumb reporter.
I wanted to be angry and blame this on Nellie. The parts of me that wanted to hide and hated being exposed wanted to scream and lash out at her, bite her head off and never trust anyone ever again.
But the softer, more understanding side of me knew that even though I'd told her in confidence, I'd broken her trust too. I put my entire weight on her shoulders and expected her to carry it. I took her for granted. What she did she didn't do in spite. She did it out of a deep emotion—the exact same way I'd hidden Ethan from Nick. Fear…But for her it was anger.
My phone buzzed and I took it out. I realized I'd missed three messages, all from Nellie. Two of them were sent a few minutes ago, when the broadcast was airing. This last one was just sent and I didn't want to read any of them. But I swiped to unlock and scrolled to my messaging app to read.
Nellie 12:39 PM: My God, Scarlett. I'm so sorry. I had no clue she was going to put that on TV. I shouldn't have said that. You probably hate me now. I was stupid.
Nellie 12:42 PM: I feel so awful. You didn't deserve that. I never lose my cool like that. I never tell people's secrets. I feel so horrible.
Nellie 12:57 PM: I'm so sorry.
I stared at the screen for a moment but decided not to reply. I just didn't want to get into it. I knew if I responded now, I'd be angry and go off on her. She didn't deserve that. She deserved a thoughtful response, not an angry reaction.
But Nick…He deserved so much more.
I opened the message thread I had with him and saw the last message I'd sent him. It said, "Coffee sounds great. See you soon." I sent it this morning when he offered to bring me breakfast. If I'd have known the bomb that was about to be dropped on our relationship, I'd have warned him, told him then so he had time to process before the world knew and people started talking.
I contemplated sending him a message explaining everything, but what was there to say? He already knew the reason I never called him after that one-night stand. I was a coward. I didn't want to go through the public humiliation of that scandal with him, so I hid from him. And now he really knew why. I was pregnant and all the heat aimed at him would've been shared. I couldn't do that.
My explanations would only seem like excuses. All I could do was wait for him to come around and talk to me again. And I prayed that when he did, he was calm enough to talk and not just hate me.