21. Ashley
21
ASHLEY
T he nausea had finally pushed me over the edge. I was supposed to go to Jack's office to check in after morning rounds but instead, I stopped by a pharmacy and carried my sack lunch home. I knew I was pregnant. I just wanted the test to confirm it now. My period had never been so late, and this morning sickness was killing me. The confirmation was all I was waiting for. It was the push I'd need to come clean with Jack and force him to sit down and really talk about the future.
I set my purse and lunch on the kitchen counter next to the coffee maker and carried the paper sack from the pharmacy into the bathroom with me. I had concerns about having a baby right now with my job status a little questionable, but I knew Jack would help me get into some place good—or Dad would. He knew people too. I had other concerns about a baby too, but most of them I felt were very common for new mothers, especially first-timers. Would I do a good job? Would my baby be happy and healthy?
My biggest concern, however, was how Jack would respond. After hearing him tell my family very adamantly that he had no time for a relationship and a family, I knew this would come as a shock to him. It would disrupt whatever plan he had for his future, and I was beginning to wonder if that plan would ever include me. Every time we got close, he got grumpy, and a lot of it revolved around my friendship and interactions with Sam.
I relieved my bladder onto the test stick and set it on the bathroom sink to begin processing as I washed my hands and finished up. My stomach grumbled, so I went back to the kitchen for my lunch. I only had so long I could be away from the hospital, so I multitasked by enjoying my peanut butter and jelly sandwich while waiting for the test to tell me what I already knew. When I finished eating as quickly as I could, I wiped my mouth and headed back to the bathroom.
The test was done, and I wasn't surprised by the result. Two thin pink lines stretched across the result pane and a grin stretched across my face. The warmth flooding my chest was a gentle surprise for me, joy and happiness welling up where I thought I might have felt other feelings. I picked up the test and sat on the edge of the bathtub, staring at it feeling giddy. I was going to have Jack's baby.
I had no thoughts about my dad or the challenges ahead of me. I didn't even really get too hung up on how Jack would respond when I told him, because I had to tell him. What could have been a moment of panic or dread for me was neither. I felt so thrilled, I wanted to happy cry. I wanted to call Jack immediately, but it wasn't something he should hear by phone. So I called the only other person I knew could keep a secret until I let the cat out of the bag myself.
Julie answered her phone on the third ring right when I thought I'd be leaving a voicemail for her to call me ASAP. "What's up, Ashley?" she asked, and I heard the crunch of what sounded like her biting into an apple.
"Are you sitting down?" I asked. I was flustered and on the verge of squealing. What made me so happy about it was a mystery, but I was. I wanted to shout to the world how much I loved Jack Stewart.
"Uh, yeah," she said, and it sounded like she was choking on the juices of her fruit.
"I'm pregnant." I blurted it out because how else was I going to tell my best friend? When I blinked, a few tears rolled down my cheeks, and I laughed and covered my mouth.
"Holy cow," she said with her mouth full of food, and I heard more crunching before she continued. "You're what? Does Jack know? Your dad's going to kill you!"
I tried not to let her immediate response deter my happiness. "You’re being dramatic, and no, Jack doesn't know yet. I am sitting in my bathroom with the test in my hand and I haven't told anyone but you."
"Awe, Ash.” That was the best friend response I was hoping for. "That's so sweet. But you're gonna tell him, right? Like, both of them?" She crunched on her apple again, and I sighed.
I just wanted to revel in my giddy delight for a bit longer, but she was the dart bursting my bubble of glee. "Yes, obviously, both of them need to know. Jack's going to be a father and my dad is going to be a grandpa. And I want my family to be happy together, so yeah.” The weight of the "what ifs" started to settle over me. It wasn't going to be easy to have some of these conversations, but if I got hung up on how things could go badly, I'd shy away from being open with either of them.
"Well, you're going to be a great mom. And I get to be the crazy aunt since you have no siblings. Also, I am picking the name. I like Clementine if it's a girl and?—"
"I'm not naming my kid after a fruit," I told her, and I laughed again. Even the idea of picking a name for a baby made me happy. There was no way anything would bring me down today. I was higher than cloud nine, somewhere in the ionosphere, circling the planet with starry eyes and dreams bursting like fireworks.
"I have to go, Jules. I just stopped at home to do the test on my lunch break. I have patients to see." I stood and tossed the test stick into the trash can and walked back into the kitchen.
"Alright, well if you want help with baby names or planning a nursery, or even if you want me there for moral support when you tell Dad, let me know." She was so thoughtful, but I knew that conversation would be difficult. Not something she should have to endure.
"Thanks, Jules. I'll call you later. We can have a girls’ night with ice cream instead of wine." We said our goodbyes, and I picked up my purse and keys and headed back to work feeling happier than I'd been in weeks. Even if Jack was upset or hesitant about this, I knew it was a good thing for me.
I might even have to do this as a single mother, but I wanted it. I wanted the joy of feeling my baby kick and squirm. I wanted to know the pain of childbirth and the love of seeing him or her for the first time. And I wanted to know what it felt like to be a mother and care for someone so selflessly that I'd give my life without hesitation.
Back at Mountain View, I clocked in and picked up my tablet. The nurses were still at lunch, and I had a few minutes to spare, so I sat at the nurses’ station and pulled up the patient records to sync with my tablet for the day. I noticed the nurse treating Mrs. Maier hadn't given her the midday dose of antibiotics yet and scowled at that. The woman was battling a bad infection in her esophagus on the heels of her surgery. The least these nurses could do was be prompt with her medications.
I made a mental note of the code for the locked medicine drawer in the patient's room and stood to head that way as my phone rang. It was Jack, and seeing his name pop up on my phone made me stupid-grin again. I swiped to answer and brought the phone to my ear.
"Hey, you," I purred. I knew I'd never tell him on the phone, but just the knowledge that I'd be telling him made me feel so much closer to him already. I wanted this, him—a relationship.
"Hello, beautiful. There's something I've been wanting to talk to you about. Do you think we can do dinner tonight? My place?" He sounded happier too, less grumpy than he had been in a while. It was shaping up to be a fantastic evening, or at least I hoped.
"Of course. I wouldn't miss it. What time?" My feet carried me toward my patient's room, but my heart was with Jack, swooning and lost in his presence. What I thought was a silly fling at first had turned into something I never imagined I'd have or feel. My prayer was that he felt the same way, that he'd be willing to stake a claim to me even if it threatened his relationship with my father.
"How about six?" he asked, and I glanced at the clock on the wall. It was only one now. That meant five hours of torture.
"How about five?" I got off work at four, and it would give me time to go home and freshen up before going to Jack’s. I was smiling about that when I walked past Naomi, the weird nurse, who was heading the opposite direction. She eyed me and kept her head down.
"Sound's good. See you then." He hung up, and I wondered what "thing" it was he was wanting to talk to me about. Whatever it was, it couldn't be nearly as important or fascinating as my news. I put my phone into my pocket and continued toward my patient.
It was time to tell HR about our relationship even if it meant being fired and relocating to a different job entirely. Sam might have been misguided in the way he went about things, but he wasn't stupid. Having Jack's baby would be a huge distraction to me and a challenge on the job. Adding to that any emotional upheaval I might go through as my hormones fluctuated, and I imagined things with Jack could be tense at times. I didn’t want any reason for this to be something that made him less effective at his job. Coming clean would not only help the police solve their case but would inevitably be the best thing for everyone concerned.
In my patient's room, I walked up to her computer. Her husband was napping, lying on the pull-out couch near the window. And Mrs. Maier was still sedated. She had to have a breathing tube due to the infection, and she fought with the nurses, trying to take it out because it was uncomfortable. We sedated her in the interest of giving her body as much time to heal as possible before we had to wake her up and take the tube out. Delaying a dose of medicine in a patient this sick could be catastrophic.
I quickly navigated the hospital's log system to indicate I was giving her the medications and then punched in the code to the drawer, and it unlocked and sprang open. I wondered if she had any grandchildren. She was older than my father, and this baby would be his first, and maybe his only, depending on what Jack wanted. I couldn’t see him wanting a large family at his age. As it were, he'd be nearing sixty-five when this baby was off to college.
The patient's husband stirred a little when the drawer's mechanism made noise as it locked shut again and I readied the syringe. Seeing how much he napped made me smile. I thought of Jack as he got older and if he'd be the sort of guy who would need naps mid-afternoon to keep his energy up for later evenings or if he'd prefer to turn in early. It was distracting, but I administered the medication via Mrs. Maier's IV port and tossed the empty syringe into the Sharps container. With one last check of her vitals, I headed back out of her room.
My mind was on a thousand different things and I felt so unfocused. I paused for a moment trying to remember if I had left my tablet in the patient’s room or if I put it on the nurse's station counter and forgot to pick it up. Being over halfway to the nurse's station, I opted to check there first. I had only just gotten there and seen my tablet when I heard the monitors alarming. A few nurses scurried to action.
"What's going on?" I asked, stepping past one of the nurses who looked concerned.
"It's Mrs. Maier. She's coding." She nodded at the monitor, and I looked up to see the woman's heart monitor was flatlining. I was just there. She was sleeping.
I felt a stab of pain in my chest and sudden panic. I was just there. My eyebrows rose, and I covered my mouth as I raced down the hallway with the nurse. Two other nurses were already in her room, and Farah was here. Dr. Blake stood at the foot of Mrs. Maier's bed watching the monitors as the nurses gave CPR. Mr. Maier was frantic, pacing and mumbling something.
What the hell happened? How had she gone from peacefully sleeping to cardiac arrest that quickly? I backed away, watching more nurses rush into the room and out of the room. This wasn't real, was it? My patient was coding and I was the last one in her room. I had given her the antibiotics, right? Those were antibiotics? I checked the syringe against the prescription like I was supposed to. There was no way I gave her the wrong medication. But I had been distracted, thinking of Jack and the baby.
"Oh, my God," I muttered, and Dr. Blake walked toward me, taking me by both arms and backing me into the hallway.
"We need you out right now. We need level heads." She breathed calmly and offered compassion but a stern rebuke. "Go to your office and let us handle this, Dr. Sutton. We'll take care of her."
I nodded, not sure what else to do. Mrs. Maier was my responsibility, and what if in my stupor of excitement and overthinking, I'd done something to harm her? This was exactly why Sam said this thing between me and Jack was off limits. I'd really messed up this time.