Chapter 4 #2
One day, I might understand why dealerships insisted people wanted white, black, gray, or silver vehicles. If I wanted a truck with any color whatsoever, I’d either need to select a cherry red or a horrific shade of vomit green. As I refused to subject myself to vomit green, I bought the red one.
The red one came fully loaded, and the instant I could confirm payment, I could drive it off the lot.
Someone had begun the process of purchasing it but had backed out after the dealership had gotten the beauty street ready.
Their loss, my gain.
As a cashier’s check didn’t require a waiting period, I dragged everyone to the bank, losing twenty minutes of my day to convincing the teller that yes, I really did want to write a cashier’s check for over a hundred thousand dollars for a fancy truck.
Once I navigated through the nonsense of some guy attempting to convince me a woman had no use for a vehicle meant for manly men, I returned to the dealership, handed over the check and the keys to my junker, and accepted the various fobs, one of which controlled the electric bed cover and one that unlocked the tailgate and the doors.
While I’d rented and driven a truck and trailer to haul Alligator Bait to Tampa Bay, it would take a lot of getting used to in order to handle going from the equivalent of a rusty go-kart to a monster of a truck.
Ashley laughed while making use of the step to climb inside. “That banker really tried to talk you out of the truck.”
Isaac heaved a pained sigh. “On behalf of all males, I do apologize for him. I promise you, incubi are superior beings capable of knowing what a woman wants, how often she wants it, and offering such things at the appropriate intervals.”
I needed to talk to Lucifer about his incubi and their egos.
“My husband was a quarter incubus,” Ashley admitted. “He had a knack for that sort of thing.”
Hello, hello, hello. In the time I’d lived in the neighborhood, Ashley hadn’t mentioned much about her spouse, only that he’d died in an accident.
“Isaac is excellent for rebounds. Incubi usually are. And if you rebound with him often enough, you won’t even have to worry about him straying all that much.
They like the chase. They also tend to have human men beat in the respect department. They understand what no means.”
The incubus made whining noises in the back.
“It’s true. There is nothing worse than having to accept rejection because no means no.
Unlike human males, exceptional specimens such as myself understand when a woman says no but hopes the man of her interest will convince her to say yes.
It’s a subtle art, and I’m pleased to report I have mastered it.
Crystal? When she says no, she means that she has knives and a willingness to use them if I bring anything of that ilk up again. ”
Ashley kept on chuckling at the incubus’s misfortunes. “He asked you for a good time, Crystal?”
“Yep.”
“And you said no?”
“I enjoy telling him to bugger off and use his own hand as his evening entertainment. It makes my dark and evil heart happy.”
Both my neighbors chortled at my comment.
“You? Dark and evil?” Ashley howled her mirth, waving her hand in front of her face. “You have got to be kidding me. We all know you’re a sweet little blonde underneath all that dye. The black does really help your eyes stand out, though. They’re gorgeous.”
“Thank you.” Having green eyes had drawn a lot of unwanted attention, especially when I’d been a blonde. “The dye is an attempt to warn off unwanted men. For the most part, it works.”
“Any man who can’t see your worth through the dye is an idiot who doesn’t deserve a date anyway,” the incubus stated in his most serious tone. “I don’t know why you keep rejecting me, though.”
“The drama,” I informed him, also in my most serious tone.
“My horses would try to kill you daily, you’re an incubus, so you’d want me to kiss it all better most days of the week, and nothing would ever get done around my place.
Now, don’t get me wrong, you’re a gentleman, but you’re not the right gentleman for me.
Ashley, if you want the incubus to stay, you just have to kiss and make it all better daily.
They’re easy enough to train, and as they tend to want daily kisses, they don’t tend to develop any truly bad habits. ”
I’d learned that gem from a hooker in Fort Lauderdale who filled her mornings with an incubus, her evenings with clients, and the rest of the time living life to the fullest. I held no delusions about her work, however.
Not all clients were good, but the incubus tended to kiss and make it better—and the particularly nasty clients received a visit from a pissed demon or devil seeking vengeance.
All in all, hell wasn’t a scary place for me in the slightest, and I looked forward to my first look at it. I’d seen enough of the world to understand I wouldn’t be headed there, not unless I took a sharp left and went out of my way to engage in acts of evil.
Considering I struggled with doing anything truly selfish, I figured I was safe enough.
Ashley giggled over my commentary. “Have you dated an incubus?”
“Me? No. I’m useless at dating. I was married to my previous job, which is why I could afford my place at all. Now that I have my place, I might look for an interesting man, but my horses have to like him.”
“They love me,” Isaac whined.
“They love trying to kill you. That is not the same. Alas, you’re entertaining, so you’re now a friend. You’ll just have to find your romantic satisfaction elsewhere. Sorry, Isaac. But in good news, being bad for me doesn’t mean you’re not great for Ashley.”
“We welcomed a matchmaker to our neighborhood?” the incubus complained. “Can we return her, Ashley?”
“No. She brings us eggs. My favorite food? Eggs. The price of eggs in the grocery store? I cried last time I checked. As long as we keep her, we are supplied with eggs.”
I made a mental note to make certain Ashley got first crack at my eggs, especially when the hens weren’t laying as much in the later part of the year.
I’d also have to give the Devil a call and see if chickens could live in hell, if they laid all year when living in hell, and what breeds of bird might cover the season when the rest of my chickens were slacking off.
“Considering I stalked my house for over a year before the price came down enough I could actually afford it, I think your egg supply is safe, Ashley.”
The woman cheered.
I could live with my role in Ashley’s life, which gave me a steady place to take my eggs.
It was a win-win as far as I was concerned.
“You’re just going to have to deal with me, Isaac. Sorry.”
“You should sacrifice your body to make me feel better, Ashley,” the incubus complained. “Crystal keeps rejecting me.”
Once I had the truck at a stop light, I leaned over and whispered, “It’s not much of a sacrifice if you like it.”
Time must have done some of its good work on the woman, as she laughed. “I’m not sure even an incubus can help with my issues at this point.”
Well, I could bat for Team Isaac once in a while, and while Isaac was a lot of things, I couldn’t even imagine the incubus doing anything to actually hurt the widow.
“It doesn’t hurt to let him try, and we might have some peace and quiet on the street for a few days.
Sneak over to his place after the gossips head to bed and take him on a test drive.
If you like the test drive, keep him around for a while.
He might even pay you with pie, and while he might be an incubus, somebody taught him how to bake. ”
“I would absolutely be forced to shower the subject of my affections with pie,” the incubus confirmed. “I’ll also be as dramatic as you wish me to be. I’m flexible.”
I bet he was; unfortunately for me, demons weren’t my type. I suffered from a severe case of monogamy, and the last thing I needed in my life was a man prone to wandering. That eliminated most human males, all sex demons, most devils, many variants of centaurs, and most other sentient species.
I’d heard unicorns roamed until they found their partner, but I doubted I’d get lucky enough to rope myself a unicorn.
Such was my luck.
I sighed.
“She’s the kind that plays for keeps, Isaac,” Ashley announced.
“The last time a pretty face showed up on our street, he slept around with half the women and had a trail of panties a mile long before he made it to Crystal’s door.
She sent him off with a carton of eggs and suggested there might be a few uptight women along the way he might be able to charm into a better mood. ”
The light showed mercy on me, and after a brief detour for lunch, I headed for the feed store, where I’d acquire more chickens than any one woman needed.
Maybe the babies would help me ignore the drama that invited itself to Fox Hunt Drive.
“It’s true. He was a damned fine one, too.
I’m betting he was a sex demon of some sort, as there’s no way a vanilla human man can charm the skirts off that many women. ”
“He was a pan, and one of the nice ones, else I would have sent him packing. He even asked if I minded if he had himself some harmless fun on the street. I actually made him infertile as a requirement for his visit. I figured the street needed some joy, and it wasn’t getting any joy from me.
” The incubus heaved a sigh. “I’ve been behaving, and behaving is a disgusting, filthy activity. I dislike it heartily.”
At the next light, I twisted in my seat to eye the sex demon. “You’re not hungry, are you?”
“I’m fine, but thank you for asking. The lovely ladies in this truck are the only flavors on the street I have any interest in, and I’ve been working on my discipline.”
The last thing I needed or wanted was a hungry incubus following me around. “He’s all yours, Ashley. Even a behaving incubus is not my type. Sorry, Isaac.”
“You have nothing to be sorry about, I assure you. Consent is delicious.”
Well, at least we were on the same page on that one. “Yes, it is. If he bothers you, Ashley, just send him to my place to play with the horses. I’m sure my grain guzzlers can keep him busy and tire him out without him annoying you.”
“I’ll keep that in mind, thanks.”
I suspected she’d be sneaking over for some attention sooner than later, and if any of the gossips down the street said a word, I’d play dumb.
While I disliked lying, I’d do it for a good cause, and Ashley’s happiness and chance to move on counted. Not only would I play dumb, I’d even give them both alibis for however long they needed.
“You’re welcome. Now, remember: any animals we bring home we have to care for. We must show some discipline.”
Isaac laughed at me. “Do you need me to tell you no?”
“Actually, yes. Thanks. At this rate, I’m going to need all the help I can get.”