Chapter 13 #2
A moment later, the Devil yipped and something crashed to the floor.
“If you don’t convince him to move in with her, you won’t be handling breasts or staring at them ever again, because I’ll cut your hands off and gouge your eyes out!
” After a few moments, the succubus muttered some curses.
“I’m sorry about him, Crystal. He can’t help his nature, and while he doesn’t actually act on those impulses, he feels he has to keep me on my toes.
This involves provoking me in the hopes I’ll show him my breasts. ”
Considering what I knew of the Devil, he did it to rile his wife up, and I would be stuck dealing with their posturing for longer than I cared to think about. “Dare I ask what you threw at him?”
“A printer, and one of the large ones made more of metal than plastic. I’m going to need a new printer, but some prices are worth paying.
” She giggled. “And since he is who he is, he just walked it off, and he was polite enough to pick up the printer and take it with him. Honestly, he’s doing that because if he doesn’t, I’ll pick it up and throw it at him again. He learns quickly.”
Most would view the various assaults as negatives in a relationship, but in reality, I suspected Lucifer loved it and wasn’t shy about informing the universe his wife’s displays of temper turned him on. “Thank you for not seducing him with the printer while I’m on the phone with you.”
“You’re welcome. He knows I’m violently informing him I love him.
Anyway, now that he’s off handling that, let’s talk about your horses and barn.
I’m confident you’ll be keeping Zenzi. She loves her new house, and as long as you don’t mind a handsome gentlehorse coming over to pay her visits when she’s in season, and she can raise her little ones among the regular horses, she’ll help the other moms teach their foals how to behave. ”
“That’ll be appreciated. Make sure Lucifer gives my horses larger stalls.
Their bedrooms must be spacious, and they need access to the runs behind the barn.
Just make certain I have a few smaller stalls for animals that need to be on stall rest because of injury.
Speak to a vet regarding the minimum and maximum sizes for stall rest. I don’t mind moving them if they need to recover from an injury, but if I need to lock them in a stall, I want them to have adequate space.
The new barn needs to be able to withstand hurricanes. ”
“Try not to worry, Crystal. I’ll make sure that lout replaces your barn properly. So. About Yuless.”
“What about him?”
“Do you like him?”
I snorted at the succubus’s tone, which indicated she wanted to know if I wanted to take him to bed with me.
“Were I the type to take men on a test drive, he’d be a strong candidate.
He’s definitely easy on the eyes. But I already told you: if he wants to be taken on a test drive or a date, he needs to bake me a pie so good I beg him to marry me. ”
“Isaac makes damned good pies, and you haven’t begged him to marry you,” she complained.
“Isaac is the kind that will do well with the two dragons and my next door neighbor. I’m not getting in the way of him partaking of three other people.
I would insist on full and sole rights to his person, and neither one of us would be happy.
Sure, the sex would be fantastic and I would never be disappointed, but I’d be upset whenever we weren’t in bed. It wouldn’t work.”
“I wish I could argue, but I can’t.” Darlene heaved a sigh. “So, if he learns how to bake pie, Yuless is under consideration?”
“Isaac told me he’s a decent prospect, longevity won’t be an issue for both of us, so I’m considering him as a potential option. I already said he’s easy on the eyes. If he comes over with a pie he made himself, frankly, as long as it’s not awful, I’ll ask him on a date. I value effort.”
The succubus breathed a relieved sigh. “Okay, good. Decent pie will get the door open?”
“Decent pie would definitely offer him opportunities to get a closer look at my personal life. However, I’m going to have to go shopping if he wants a closer look at my personal apparel.
I do not have date appropriate clothes. I have work appropriate clothes, and I refused to be a victim of assholes in the office place, so nothing I own involves lace. ”
Judging from the horrified gasp on the other end of the phone, I’d traumatized the succubus. “No! Say it isn’t so.”
“I’m a virgin with practical underwear,” I replied in a solemn tone.
I gave the woman credit: she could scream with the best of them.
A pop announced the arrival of someone, whom I assumed was Lucifer. “What happened?”
“She owns granny panties!” A thump indicated the succubus had fallen to the floor in some fashion, and she wailed as though somebody ripped her heart out of her chest and fed it to her.
“Seriously?” the Devil asked in a rather exasperated voice. “I thought something was actually wrong.”
“How is she going to seduce Yuless if all she owns is granny panties?”
“Waggling a finger and issuing a come hither comes to mind,” he replied.
“While I am rather supportive of ladies wearing pretty panties, this is not an emergency nor a disaster. Yuless is on the other side of our house right now and is not in a position to be investigating Crystal’s panty selection.
Would taking Crystal out shopping for new panties help? ”
The succubus made a soft sound, and I assumed she nodded.
“Okay. Why don’t I talk to Crystal and you handle talking with Yuless?
If you need to start him on baking lessons, give Isaac a call, and remember that his current charge is fragile and he can’t leave her unless the dragons are around or she can stay with Crystal.
If Isaac isn’t available, borrow one of the fucking assholes and take baking lessons, then you can seduce me with pie you make.
After we handle the things we need to get done around here, you can plan a date with Crystal to buy her some lingerie. ”
That worried me. Darlene left, and she thumped into several objects on her way out the door. “Lucifer?”
“Ashley will be fine, it just takes time and help, which she has now because of you. The future without her has been averted. We just need to take care with her, and the move into your home will finish what you started with your small act of kindness. You reached out when she needed it the most, and now she has found the strength to stand. It won’t be easy, but she can now.
If you’re asking about Darlene, I decided against listening in on her thoughts because she’s being fun.
I don’t want to ruin the surprise. As for the lingerie thing, I know better than to attempt to discourage my wife when she thinks a woman’s wardrobe is in dire need of her assistance. ”
Right. Running the hells must have damaged something in Lucifer’s head.
“I see. I’ll leave Ashley to you and Darlene.
Just text me if she needs company that doesn’t involve an incubus or two dragons.
” My neighbor had all the luck, and thanks to my dumb mouth, I might get pie, and I’d lower my standards to accept half-decent pie in exchange for a date.
“I’m the reason I’m going to die a virgin, Lucifer. ”
The Devil snorted. “I’m sure I have an incubus around this place somewhere that could deal with a virgin hedge witch with a monogamy kink.”
“But I want someone to make me pie.”
“So hire a baker.”
I sighed. “But I want my pies baked with love. I can accept pies baked with lust initially. That part would be nice, but I mean, have you looked at me? I’m a walking disaster on two feet.”
“Perhaps I should enroll you in some therapy to deal with that self-esteem issue,” Lucifer muttered. “I promise you, there are many demons in my many hells who would absolutely love to show you how beautiful you are in sinful fashions.”
“That I have to travel to a completely different plane of existence for the opportunity to be lusted after should give you all the clues you need to figure out I have an appeal problem,” I muttered back.
That quieted the Devil for a few minutes. “I can understand how that might be a little damaging to your self-esteem. Your solution to this is a gentleman making you pie?”
“If he’s interested enough to deal with learning how to bake, that seems like a good foundation for me.”
“What if he wants you to learn how to bake?”
“If he wants to risk being poisoned, that’s entirely on him. Am I game to try? Yes. I also understand I’m much better at cooking than I am baking. But if he handles the baking, I’ll handle the cooking, and we both are fed appropriately.”
“I can’t fault that logic, at least.” After heaving a patience-worn sigh, Lucifer said, “I will make certain all candidates for your attention understand they need to be able to bake, are versed in being useful and practical, and aren’t scared of you being a hedge witch.”
I gave Lucifer credit: he understood what I needed to be happy. “But Lucifer, perfect men don’t exist, and that sounds like the perfect man.”
“That list also includes handsome and good in bed,” the Devil informed me.
“You, sir, are the Lord of Lies! Now I’m going to go to bed heartbroken because men like that really don’t exist.”
“I have an incubus or two that meets all those requirements, they’re just not all that good at loyalty.”
If I began understanding Lucifer, would I go insane, too? “Deal breaker. They’re not perfect if they stray.”
“Let’s wager.” The Devil’s giggling worried me. “It’ll be fun.”
“Wagering with you is how one loses their soul,” I reminded him.
“Your soul serves me best where it’s at, in your possession. This wager will ultimately benefit you in the end, win or lose.”
“Lord of Lies,” I repeated in a mutter.
He snickered. “Humor me.”
“I will listen to your wager, but don’t be surprised if I refuse to participate.”
“By the time the Triple Crown is over, you will have the choice of two perfect men, and you will have to tell me that I’m right and permit me to be the officiator when you engage in unholy matrimony.”
“How is this a wager? That’s just a disturbing prediction. Wholly improbable in my opinion, but just a prediction all the same. What do I get when you’re wrong?”
“That’s so rude, claiming my predictions are inaccurate!”
Did I deal with an ancient toddler? I fought against my urge to heave sigh after sigh. “I’m over thirty, I’m still a virgin, and I haven’t even watched any porn.” I allowed my tone to convey how unimpressed I was with his wager. “Well? What do I get when you’re wrong?”
“A new horse, a mare capable of breeding you champions should you select the right studs for her. You will want to race again, mark my words.”
I scowled. “If you happen to be right, which you aren’t, you should give me the mare as a consolation prize for being suckered into marrying one of the two perfect men that will somehow manifest themselves.
That might convince me the wager is worth participating in.
You will also console me through planning a honeymoon for me and this mysterious perfect man I select from the two who will come calling with pie. ”
“Should I win, you will agree to assist me with bringing matters back into balance should things draw dangerously close to the End of Days.”
Ah. I understood.
All things Lucifer did, he did for the love of his immortal life and family.
I smiled at the reality of the situation and the true importance of the bargain he wished to strike with me. “As long as you pay me fairly for when you need matters brought back into balance, count me in, Lucifer.”
I doubted he would ever declare the truth of who he was, but I spotted the glimmer of it in his actions rather than his words.
The Lord of the Morning stood guard over the world he had set free, and despite his place in the darkness, he shined.
“So mote be it.”
In the distance, thunder rumbled in the promise of the incoming storm. I wondered at that and what would change because I had opted to take sides with the forces of the Devil’s many hells in order to preserve everything that was, had been, and would be.