Chapter 12
Chapter Twelve
The idea of having anything to do with Villette made Katla ill. Still , if Merrill was correct—and the more she learned, the more she believed he was—she might be able to defeat her.
“ Think about what I said,” Merrill told her as he got to his feet. “ I’m going to have a look around.”
She followed him with her gaze, sliding down the back of his hard body and taking in his easy, long gait as he walked away. It was the gait of a commander, a leader. Someone used to being in charge. She watched him disappear into the darkness as the door closed behind him. She stared at the front of the house, longing to call him back. Or go with him. She’d had enough of being alone. But her lips wouldn’t form the words.
The silence was heavy, oppressive. She had never noticed it before, but nothing was as it was. She was learning the world again. Her senses were overloaded at times. Whenever the sensation occurred when the children were with her, she’d fixate on them until the overwhelming feeling diminished. She had been fine until Merrill left.
Katla had to remind herself that he was scouting the area. Yet a part of her worried he was, indeed, returning to his kin, leaving her alone as she had been for so long. She looked down at her hands and discovered that she was clutching the tartan so tightly her knuckles were white. She made her fingers loosen.
She thought about their conversation and how he had shown her a part of his world. Katla drew in a deep breath and slowly released it. She scooted to sit in front of the fire once more. Her eyes burned from lack of sleep, so she curled on her side and used her arm as a pillow.
Despite her fatigue, she didn’t immediately close her eyes. The flames were mesmerizing. She watched them dance until her eyes wouldn’t focus any longer. As she lowered her lids, thoughts of Merrill filled her mind.
When she opened her eyes again, the fire still burned, but there was a stillness that only night brought. She rolled onto her back, only to realize a blanket covered her. She immediately looked for Merrill . He walked past the window outside. Knowing he was there was comforting. She turned onto her other side and immediately fell back to sleep.
The next time she woke, she lay unmoving, listening for the sound of Merrill’s footsteps. Finally , she heard him. She released a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding. Katla tried to return to sleep, but her eyes wouldn’t stay closed. After several minutes, she sat up. She yawned and stretched before folding the blanket and rising. She went to the door and opened it to look around. Her gaze found Merrill as he rounded a building to her left and came toward her.
“ It’s a few hours yet before dawn,” he said as he approached.
“ I won’t be able to sleep anymore. You can.”
He stopped beside her. “ I’m fine.”
“ Do you not need sleep?”
“ No ’ like humans. We rest, and I can sleep, but it isna needed.”
She folded her arms around her, missing the warmth of the fire and the blanket. “ That must be nice.”
“ It comes in handy.”
“ See anything?”
Merrill shook his head. “ Only a few animals. It’s quiet out here.”
“ The vine forest was quiet. Here , there is an excess of sounds. The music of the night.” She turned her head to him. “ Do you hear it?”
“ Aye ,” he answered softly as he met her eyes.
She looked up at the night sky littered with stars. “ It’s beautiful.”
“ One of my favorite times to fly is at night.”
Her gaze slid back to him. “ How high can you go?”
“ Verra .”
“ That sounds amazing. You get to soar among the clouds, leaving the nonsense of the world behind.”
Merrill gave her a half-hearted shrug. “ It’s a benefit, I’ll admit.” He lifted his gaze to the heavens. “ Up there is…”
Katla watched him, waiting with bated breath for what he might say. She didn’t look away. She didn’t want to miss a single emotion that might cross his face.
Finally , he exhaled and lowered his gaze to her. “ Solace . It’s a place humans can no’ reach. No ’ like we can. It’s ours alone. There , we can be who we were meant to be.”
“ And what is that?”
“ Fierce . Free . Commanding .”
His words had a way of touching her that left her soothed and wanting more. “ You are still those things.”
“ You see me as a human, no’ a dragon.”
“ Are you not one and the same?”
His lips twisted. “ I suppose.”
“ You don’t sound sure.”
“ I’m no’ who I once was.”
Katla laughed dryly. “ Who is? Change is inevitable. It’s all around us. Look at the trees. The leaves are changing colors and getting ready to fall to the ground so the trees can pause for the winter. It sounds much like what you and the other Kings did after the war.”
“ Aye , we did. When we woke, it was with fury and bitterness. And a lot of rancor.”
“ Emotions have a way of clouding otherwise decent judgment. I should know. I’m far from the woman I once was. I’m walking in a world I don’t recognize.”
He nodded slowly. “ It isna an easy thing to do.”
“ But you got through it.”
“ We supported each other.”
She cocked her head to the side. “ Is that why you’re here? You don’t think I can do this alone?”
“ I think you can do anything you set your mind to. You have fortitude the likes of which I’ve rarely seen. You doona need anyone, lass. Certainly no’ me.”
That wasn’t true. She needed someone for everything. She was tired of doing everything without help, weary of facing each day by herself. And worn out by carrying her numerous burdens alone.
She didn’t have strength. It was just that no one could do it. She put one foot in front of the other because she had to.
“ You’re wrong about me,” she said. “ I didn’t want to be the lone survivor. I prayed for death. I could’ve ended it just by crossing the border again, but I couldn’t even manage that. Strength didn’t guide me. It was spite. Determination doesn’t keep me on my feet. I’ve just refocused my vengeance, moving it from your people to Villette . That isn’t fortitude. It’s fear and despair.”
Merrill shifted to face her. “ You could’ve taken your life. That would have put an end to your misery. Instead , you channeled your grief. I’m no’ saying it was the right way, but you didna give up. You could’ve remained in the vine forest and continued your retribution against dragons. You saw the truth Henry revealed. You confronted Villette . You stood against her. You broke free of the prison she put you in. That isn’t fear. Lass , that’s perseverance and valor if I’ve ever seen it. And trust me, I’ve seen a lot. You may no’ see yourself as courageous or resilient, but I do. I’ve seen many crumple under much less than what you’ve endured.”
Katla was so unprepared for his words that she was still reeling from them when he walked away. She watched his retreating back until he was out of sight. Her eyes returned to the sky. There were streaks of pale pink and yellow mixed with the navy and gray now. Large , puffy clouds were a beautiful canvas to display the various colors.
She desperately wanted to be the woman Merrill spoke about, but she didn’t feel it. All she saw were the wrongs she had committed, the violence and destruction she wrought. The wanton act of destroying a species that hadn’t harmed her family. Dread had driven her for so long. She’d claimed other emotions. Rage . Bitterness . Revulsion . But every one of them was rooted in fear.
Emotion had dictated her decisions for as long as she could remember. It had even pointed her north. She didn’t know why she had decided on that route. It wasn’t as if she had knowledge of where Villette was. Instead , she had just taken off. Merrill had known and followed anyway. He hadn’t asked her where she was going or why. He hadn’t tried to make her deviate either. What he had done was remain with her so she wasn’t alone. He had been a silent figure offering support when—and if—she asked for it. He remained, regardless of how many times she told him to leave. Steadfast and constant.
She wasn’t sure what to do with someone like him. After so long on her own, she had forgotten how to ask for help. She had gotten used to depending on herself and conformed to that life. But she didn’t want to stay like that. She yearned for change. And that transformation had to start somewhere.
Yet there was safety in remaining how she was. She knew what to expect and the ways to adjust. What if someone let her down? What if she depended on someone and they forgot about her? Someone could lie or deceive her.
That was the way of the world, wasn’t it? It was always the chance you took. Fear didn’t want her to change. It wished to keep her as a prisoner. She had been locked in that cycle for long enough. Change was terrifying. Anything could happen. Her life could turn out worse than it was, or it could be better. She wouldn’t know unless she took a leap of faith. And she really wanted to be the person Merrill spoke about.
Katla entered the structure and walked to the fire. The warmth of it invited her closer. The flames reminded her of Merrill —strong and vibrant with the ability to offer comfort with its heat, cook meals, or light a dark room. But there was another side to the blaze. If she got too close, it would destroy her, devour her body and soul without hesitation.
Friend or foe.
Or something in between.
Merrill could be any of those things. The anxiety that usually reared up inside her remained silent now. Maybe it was because she was so desperate for company that she couldn’t feel the warning. Or perhaps there wasn’t one. Maybe there was nothing to fear with Merrill . The only thing she knew for sure was that she liked having him near.
She became aware of a presence in the room and turned her head to the door to find Merrill . His deep blue irises were trained on her, his expression unreadable. How she wished to know his thoughts. His eyes saw everything, filtering it into his mind to be stored with eons of images and conversations. What made her think she would stand out? Besides , someone as handsome as Merrill must have someone special.
“ It’s going to rain soon,” he announced.
But her mind remained on her last thought. She wondered what he would be like as a lover. Would he be controlling or allow her to take the lead? Would he only see to his desires or pay attention to his partner’s? Did he finish quickly or last all night? She eyed his muscular frame and imagined his endurance exceeding that of any human.
A lock of dirty-blond hair fell across his forehead. She wanted to smooth it back and let her fingers trail through the thick strands to see if they were as silky as they appeared. Her gaze fell to his lips, and her mouth went dry. Katla looked away, embarrassed about thinking of him in such a way.
More than hunger assailed her. She couldn’t recall her husband’s face or name—or the feel of his body against hers.
Her gaze returned to Merrill . She ached to have that kind of connection again.