Chapter 17 #2
A strange, alternate future flashes before my eyes.
I’m a cook, he’s a fisherman, and I raise his children.
The image fills me with dread, but the problem is not Marcus, but being smothered at the restaurant until the end of my days.
In any case, that future would never happen. “And yet you joined this place.”
“Because you were obsessed with it! What was I supposed to do? Watch you enlist in this dangerous academy, become a sentinel, and watch you from afar? No. And even when you didn’t get in last year, I told myself it was for the best. I would guide you. I would help you. Together, we would survive.”
My vision gets blurry, and I realize that tears are pooling in my eyes. I blink, and let some of them fall.
All this time, I kept telling myself I never really loved him.
I tried to keep my heart caged, afraid to love again, afraid to feel again, when in fact, the truth was that I did love Marcus once.
Maybe the future I imagined wouldn’t involve me working at the restaurant, but I thought we had a future together.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “If I made you think I would forget you like that. I… would have replied to your letters—if I had received them. And I would have been happy to see you on your days off.”
He nods, his eyes distant. Is he wondering what could have been? Regretting not having tried to talk to me? Or is he, like me, feeling the odd pain of having a broken heart stitched together, after being used to its cracks for so long?
His chest moves up and down slowly and he closes his eyes as if getting rid of a weight.
When he faces me again, his features are open, friendly, even if his gaze no longer carries any sign of deeper affection.
“I would say I’m sorry that I moved on, but it seems that you also did.
Still, please know that I would never have abandoned you.
I did love you, Mayara. Loved you with all the innocence of a first love. I thought there would be only you.”
“I loved you too.” The words are meant to soothe his heart. Instead, they’re a balsam to my chest, undoing the heavy shield I had raised around it.
I loved him—with all my heart. And it feels so much better to recognize that I felt everything, even if it didn’t end up well, than to pretend I’ve always been numb.
“I didn’t want to make you cry,” he says.
“It feels good.” And yet the feeling is overwhelming, so I want to change the subject. “If you took notes about the academy and had tips for me, is there something you can share?”
“Pay attention to the classes and trust Foros, is all I can say. I thought that there was a secret, that if you did things a certain way, you could increase your odds of surviving. Now, I don’t know.
You have to hope it’s not your day to go, and if it’s your day, make sure you don’t have too many mistakes when Thantos measures your deeds. ”
“That’s… not encouraging.”
“It is what it is. Weren’t you the one who said you wouldn’t mind dying in a blast of dragon fire? Who knows? You might have your chance.” There’s something slightly flippant in his tone, perhaps some remaining resentment for my insistence on joining the academy, but I can’t change that.
“Have you flown? In an attack?”
“Not yet.”
“Does the princess—”
“Don’t mention her.” His tone shifts, a hint of threat beneath his words.
“I was just wondering—”
“Don’t wonder.”
That same tone, that same sharp edge I had never seen in him before, and I just wanted to know if the princess helps him avoid being picked to fly.
I glare at him. “I can’t ask you about your friends?”
“Rumors are dangerous.”
“And yet you said you moved on, didn’t you? It means you love someone.”
A dangerous glint lights his eyes. “And that must stay between us. Whatever happens, don’t ever mention it to anyone, most of all to the bastard prince. If you ever felt anything for me, you’ll respect my wishes.”
“I won’t tell anyone.” Then, I add, “You don’t like Alayel.”
Marcus crosses his arms. “I don’t trust him, and I don’t think you should trust him either, but…”
“But what?”
“It’s clear you like him, and, despite his flaws, I think he might like you too. Just… be careful.”
“I am being careful.”
He snorts, an odd anger changing his features, making him look completely different from the man I met at the restaurant.
“Not everyone has a pure heart like you, Mayara. This place, it can be ruthless. Alayel’s a recently recognized prince, hungry for the throne, and I’m sure he’ll squash anyone who stands in his way. Make sure it’s not you.”
“Doesn’t it upset you? That there’s a new contender to the throne?”
“No. And I mean it. There are… more pieces at work.”
“And you won’t tell me about them.” I swallow, trying to push down my annoyance.
“I can’t, Mayara.” Regret coats his voice.
“But you’re safe. You would have been safer in the restaurant, but if it’s true you’re not going to fly, then you’re safe.
At least for now.” He pauses, then sighs.
“I’ll leave this room first, and if I don’t come back in thirty seconds, you can leave too.
It means the hallway is clear. If you ever need anything, don’t hesitate to ask. ”
He walks out the door, leaving me here, counting seconds, and yet trying to come to terms with all this information, with all these feelings. Overflowing feelings.
And I realize what was missing from my night with Alayel: my heart. I was so afraid of breaking it that I never let him touch it.
I felt so brave and bold, giving in to our night of sex, when in fact I was dressed from head to toe in fear.
But I need to stop thinking about Alayel, stop even thinking about the love that could have been with Marcus, or who hid his letters. It was Laristella, obviously, and yet I can’t hate her for that, for stopping a relationship that was never meant to be.
I need to figure out that staff; that’s what I need to do.
The door looks scarier and more imposing than before, and I’m not sure if I should dare knock or just wait outside. As much as I think I should speak to Commander Mallor, now that I’m here, I’m reconsidering my decision.
What if he sees me, remembers he wants me out of the academy, and finds a way to get me expelled?
And yet he told me he appreciated what I did, how I stopped the rider.
Plus, he’s the only person, other than Alayel, who knows I touched the staff.
Unlike Alayel, he might know where the object is being kept and what they’re doing to it.
But I still don’t want to knock on the door and commit some kind of unforgivable blunder. The man is scary, after all.
When I’m about to turn around and leave, the door opens, and I step back, startled.
Mallor frowns. “Come in.”
I walk into his office, and he closes the door behind me, then asks, “Something wrong?”
“No. Or maybe.”
He sits at his desk again, and I take a seat across from him, too late realizing that telling him that I omitted important information about the staff won’t look good.
“Did you find anything?” he asks. “About the bastard prince?”
Lots of things. None of them useful to Mallor, except for one detail. “I asked him about his roommate, didn’t tell him I knew he’d been killed. Alayel seems to be under the impression that he ran away.”
Mallor blinks. “The kid lies well. You can’t trust what he says.”
“Then how…” I bite my lip, fearing I’m about to sound like an idiot.
The commander leans back. “Observe. And perhaps… You know what? I release you from this mission. He might be dangerous. I suggest staying away from the prince.”
“But we’re friends.”