Chapter 11
CHAPTER 11
Suddenly Single—What a Trip!
D ear Trixie,
You won’t believe this. My ex-wife—yes, the same one who was getting cozy with the ship’s head of security—is now engaged to the guy! I feel like suing everyone, starting with the cruise line. Tell me how to turn this ship around because I’m about to lose it.
Sincerely, Stanton the Steamed
Dear Stanton the Steamed,
Oh, Stanton, sit down and be quiet. Let’s take a deep breath and navigate this stormy sea together.
First off, suing the cruise line? Let’s save the theatrics and the courtroom dramas. The cruise line isn’t responsible for your ex’s whirlwind romance. Instead, focus on turning your emotional ship around.
Imagine yourself as the captain of your own vessel. You’ve hit some rough waters, but with a steady hand on the wheel, you can steer yourself back to calmer seas—with someone else.
Remember, Stanton, you’re the master of your fate and the decisions you’ve made in the past have landed you where you are now.
But no hard feelings. I’m too far past that to care.
Wishing you smooth sailing and a fresh start from here on out,
Trixie
Stanton: I can’t believe you’re dragging Abbey and Parker into something that’s going to amount to a big fat mess.
Trixie: They’re adults. They can make their own decisions about people.
Stanton: Adults? They’re still kids, Trixie. And they don’t need to see you making the same mistakes over and over again. You’re setting a bad example. It’s going to take years of therapy to undo the damage you’re about to cause!
Trixie: This isn’t a mistake, Stanton. I know what I’m doing. You made the mistake of sleeping with a six-pack of women. And you knew what you were doing, too.
Stanton: We’re not done here.
The very next morning the Emerald Queen docks smoothly at Sunset Cay, and the excitement on board is palpable. This isn’t just any stop—it’s a private island owned by Royal Lineage Cruise Lines, designed to give us an unforgettable day of sun, sea, and adventure.
As soon as the gangway is lowered, passengers spill out like eager ants at a picnic, each determined to make the most of their day in paradise.
Stepping onto Sunset Cay is like being welcomed into a slice of paradise designed exclusively for the lucky few aboard the Emerald Queen . Sunset Cay has all the hallmarks of a perfect private island getaway.
Blue skies, white sandy beaches for miles, and enough water slides to make even the most premier waterpark jealous.
Sunset Cay is a feast for the senses, with glorious tropical flowers lining the walkways, the gentle sound of waves lapping against the shore, and the inviting scent of coconut sunscreen mixing with the salty sea breeze. And to top it all off, all of the amenities here are designed to make us feel like royalty.
According to the Seabreeze Newsletter that was slipped under our cabin doors this morning, the island is home to the Paradise Lagoon, the largest freshwater pool in the Caribbean, and it’s rumored to be an absolute showstopper. It boasts a swim-up bar where you can enjoy island specialties like a drink called the crazy coconut among other fun yet silly-sounding libations.
The lagoon is dotted with in-water loungers and tables, perfect for those who want to soak up the sun without leaving the cool embrace of the water. For those seeking a bit of thrill, there’s the Thrills and Chills Waterpark featuring the tallest waterslide in the Caribbean, an obstacle course at the Fun Zone Pool, and the largest wave pool around. It’s an adrenaline junkie’s dream come true—aka not for me.
For a more laid-back vibe, there are more than a few beaches the guests can enjoy. Treasure Beach offers serene white sand and crystal-clear waters, ideal for snorkeling or simply relaxing. There’s Turtle Bay Beach—think swimming with turtles and becoming one with them as you float blissfully by their side.
Bliss Beach is another gem, perfect for those who enjoy beachside sports like volleyball, basketball, and paddleboarding. And let’s not forget the floating bar, where you can enjoy a refreshing drink while literally floating in the sea. Now that I might consider.
The island also features the Sunset Beach Club, a luxurious retreat offering overwater cabanas, an infinity pool, and a restaurant serving elevated fare like succulent lobster and prime cuts of steak. It’s the ultimate spot for those looking to splurge on comfort and luxury.
And speaking of food, the Chill and Grill serves up complimentary barbecued chicken and Caribbean-style food with a spicy tang that makes your taste buds dance. Plus, there are over forty different snack shacks peppered around the island, offering something scrumptious for just about anybody.
As I take it all in, I can’t help but think this is the kind of place where you could forget all your troubles and traumas—namely exes whose names start with the letter S. But knowing me, trouble has a way of tracking me down, even in paradise.
“This crazy coconut drink sounds like a dream,” Nettie says, scouring the newsletter as we step off the gangway and onto the pier that leads to our island oasis. The sun is hot, the humidity is high, and the air is perfumed with floral scents only the tropics can provide.
“Of course, you would think that drink sounds like a dream,” Bess grunts as she adjusts her wide-brimmed hat.
The three of us are all wearing the same wide-brimmed hats we picked up at the Queen’s Mall during the last cruise and the brims are so wide we keep bumping into one another and knocking our hats to the ground. It makes for quite the show and quite the workout, too.
“The crazy coconut?” Bess says, nodding to Nettie. “You’ve got a crazy coconut sitting where your head should be.”
“I take that as a compliment.” Nettie tugs at the colorful floral muumuu she’s wearing. Those breezy, colorful, yet bordering on psychedelic numbers were Nettie’s go-to wardrobe staple while we were sailing through the Hawaiian islands, and I’m glad to see she’s reprised them. Mostly because she’s easy to spot in a crowd. Not that Nettie has ever blended in. She’s usually the focal point of any and every social situation—and that would be due to her penchant for causing an alarming ruckus or two.
“Well, I’m up for a crazy coconut. In fact, I can use it now to cool off,” I say. “Hey, I wonder if they can make that a virgin? I can sort of commiserate with that whole crazy virgin thing since I haven’t had any action in nearly a year. I’m starting to feel like a crazy virgin myself. Lucky for me, I have Ransom to cure what ails me—at least soon enough.”
“Never mind that coconut concoction,” Nettie says, knocking her elbow to mine. “You’re about to get lucky, Toots.”
“Oh, I don’t think so,” I’m quick to say. “At least not anytime soon. And definitely not today. Ransom let me know he’s going over photos from the coroner in hopes of finding any other physical clues. But he did say he’d come down as soon as he could. Hopefully in plenty of time to share a crazy coconut with us.”
“I don’t think she meant that kind of lucky,” Bess says, nodding straight ahead. “There’s our first suspect along with her crew.”
Sure enough, I spot Jennifer Mitchell and her friends up ahead with their brightly colored swimsuits and wide-brimmed hats, which will make them easy to follow. And follow them we do.
They’re clearly on a mission, and from the snippets of conversation we catch, Turtle Bay Beach is their destination of choice.
“Come on, let’s keep up,” I say to Bess and Nettie as my beach bag bounces on my shoulder. “I have a feeling that Jennifer might have an idea of who our resident apparition is—or was .”
“I was thinking the same thing,” Bess says, picking up her pace. “If Beatrice knew Lucy enough to wish eternal damnation upon her, she may have known Jennifer—or anyone else in their book club.”
“Maybe so, maybe no,” Nettie says. “Lucy could have been the side piece for Bea’s not-so-sweet hubby. That would make just about any woman hate her.”
“True,” I say. “Although some days I’m motivated to pen a thank you letter to each of those tramps who Stanton bedded. If they hadn’t fallen in bed with my husband, I may still be falling in bed with my husband. And let’s face it, Ransom is the upgrade I never knew I needed. Confession: just one look and I knew I wanted him.”
Both Bess and Nettie cackle up a storm at that one, and I can’t help but laugh along with them.
“And that’s another thing that Ransom brings me,” I say. “Joy. Whereas all I ever got from Stanton was misery. It just goes to show that sometimes what we think is the worst moment in our lives really turns out to be the best thing that could have happened.”
“Here, here,” Bess cries out. “I wouldn’t be here if my husband hadn’t found his secretary hot-to-trot. Sure, he says it started out innocent enough as a routine dental inspection.” Bess’ ex was a dentist back in Honey Hollow, Vermont. “But soon enough he was inspecting more than just one orifice. At the time, I was pretty broken up about it, but look at me now.” She waves an arm around. “I’m in the Bahamas and he’s scouring all the bars back home, begging for someone to help him whittle down his prescription of little blue pills. Word on the street is, there hasn’t been a taker in close to a decade.”
We share another laugh, this time at the expense of Bess’ ex.
“What about your exes?” Bess asks Nettie as we do our best to keep up with Jennifer and her buddies as they walk to the left like women on a mission. And judging by the fact all of the colorful slides and ocean-sized swimming pools are to our right, I’m guessing it’s going to be a beach day.
“My exes aren’t worth the mention,” Nettie growls, ironically at the mention of them. “But I’ll tell you what, the casino last night was filled with men I wouldn’t mind testing out a little blue pill with.”
“That’s because you had your booze goggles on,” Bess snips. “I told you that third rum hurricane was a bad idea.”
It’s true. After a lively show at the Emerald Theater, where we watched a Broadway-worthy performance of Grease, we hit the casino, only to have Nettie downing rum as if she were a pirate. And well, after three of those tall, brown elixirs, we had to practically carry Nettie out of there—once we managed to peel her off a man doing his best impression of a Kraken. Honestly, he looked as if the crypt keeper dug him up for the night. Thankfully, Ransom showed up and helped free Nettie from the man’s tentacles and helped schlep her to her cabin as well.
“All right,” Nettie says. “Now that you’ve got me thinking about those louses, I may as well shame a few exes. You both know my track record isn’t exactly spotless either.”
“Boy howdy.” Bess shakes her head with a laugh. “Please refresh us.”
“Well”—Nettie starts—“there was Crack-in-the-Back-Craig, the so-called entrepreneur. Turned out his business was nothing more than selling knockoff designer handbags out of his van. I had to break up with him when he got me to model one of his fake Gucci purses at a flea market and then I got myself arrested.”
Bess snorts. “I remember you mentioning Craig. And I remember why you called him Crack-in-the-Back, too.” She looks my way. “Don’t you dare ask to see a picture of the guy. Let’s just say he had a lot in common with plumbers whose jeans don’t quite sit on the waist.” She looks back at Nettie. “Hey? Didn’t he also claim he was part of some underground poker ring?”
“Yup, and he lost his shirt—literally. That made that whole crack in the back thing even worse,” Nettie says, sticking her finger down her throat. “Then there was Tom, the so-called fireman. He was pretty hot, I’ll give him that. But as fate would have it, he wasn’t actually fighting fires—he was starting them.”
“You mean he was an arsonist?” I gasp at the thought.
Nettie’s shoulders sag a moment. “Let’s just say quantity over quality was my motto for a while when it came to men. But the worst was probably Dan, the self-proclaimed life coach. He ended up needing more coaching than anyone else on the planet. Constantly calling me for advice on how to deal with his other ex-girlfriends. I turned him into an ex and decided to lead by example.”
We share another quick chuckle.
Nettie sighs. “But as frustrating as it all was, I’m glad those relationships ended. They taught me a lot about what I don’t want in a partner.”
“Amen to that,” I say, nodding in agreement. “We’ve all had our fair share of Mr. Wrongs, but it just makes us appreciate Mr. Right that much more.”
“ Nah .” Nettie shakes her head vehemently. “I’m well past wanting a Mr. Right in my life. A Mr. Right Now will do just fine. It turns out, the perfect partner for me is— me .” She jabs her thumb to her chest and Bess applauds her.
“Here’s to dating ourselves and having the best relationship yet,” Bess says, linking her arm with Nettie’s.
“Speak for yourself,” Nettie bristles. “I’ve broken up with myself twice a week for the last few decades and I still can’t shake me.”
Bess tips her head. “I’ve been trying to figure out how to do that for years,” she teases and we’re right back to laughing, but it’s rather short-lived as Jennifer and her crew head straight for the water.
It looks as if our investigation is ready to begin.