Chapter 20
Twenty
Emma was sleepy and contented on the drive back to Dream Lake, not to mention relieved that Zoe hadn’t been upset by her father’s behavior.
“Of course I wasn’t,” Zoe said with a light laugh. “I know how he is. I’m glad he brought Phyllis, though. I like her.”
“I do, too,” Emma said. A reflective pause. “It must say something good about James, that he can attract a woman like her.”
“Maybe he’s different when he’s away from us,” Zoe said. “Maybe when he’s in Arizona, he’s more positive.”
“I hope so,” Emma said doubtfully.
Alex was quiet, occupied with a fierce inner battle. He knew that he should drop Zoe and Emma off at the cottage and leave at once. He even thought there was a chance he could do that. The odds were seventy–thirty in favor of leaving.
Maybe sixty–forty.
Alex wanted Zoe so badly there was no room left for anything else. He was molten inside, but in the past few minutes his heart had shut down and turned glacier-cold. The difference in temperature, the tension between fire and ice, threatened to crack his chest in a thermal downshock.
The ghost, occupying the backseat next to Emma, was silent. There was no doubt that he’d sensed Alex’s turmoil. He understood something was wrong.
“Alex is coming in for a drink,” Zoe told Emma as they got out of the car.
“Oh, how nice.” Emma linked arms with her granddaughter as they headed to the front door.
“Would you like something, too, Upsie?”
“At this hour? No, no, I’ve had a lovely day, but I’m tired now.” She glanced over her shoulder. “Thank you for driving us, Alex.”
“No problem.”
They went into the house, and Zoe murmured to Alex, “I’ll just be a few minutes. There’s lavender lemonade in the fridge.”
She went into Emma’s room and closed the door.
Lavender lemonade. Alex suspected it would taste like leftover water from a flower vase. But heat was thrumming in his body, turning his skin dry and parching his mouth. He went to the refrigerator, found the pitcher of lemonade, and poured a glass.
It was tart and light, wonderfully cool. He drank deeply, sitting on one of the bar stools at the kitchen island. The ghost was nowhere in sight.
A heavy mass of emotion had gathered inside, and he struggled to separate it into identifiable parts. Lust, first and foremost. Anger. Maybe a trace of fear, but it was so mixed up with the anger that he couldn’t be sure. And worse than anything was a terrible knifing tenderness he’d never felt for anyone in his life.
The women he’d been with in the past, including Darcy, had all been experienced, confident, seasoned. With Zoe it would be different. The familiar terms for sex… nailing, boning, banging… did not apply. She would expect him to be gentle… gentlemanly… God help him, he’d have to figure out how to fake that.
The bedroom door opened and closed quietly. Zoe had slipped off her high heels. She walked toward him in that damned black dress, the gathered fabric hugging every luxurious curve. Alex didn’t move from the bar stool. A tightening feeling spread over him, the lust threatening to annihilate him, and her along with him.
“She’s asleep now,” Zoe whispered, coming to stand in front of him. Her smile was tremulous. He reached out and touched the pure line of her throat, pale as moonglow. His fingertips trailed softly downward to her collarbone. The light touch drew a shiver from deep within her.
He pulled her closer between his spread thighs and gripped one strap of her dress, dragging it down a few inches. Pressing his mouth to the side of her neck, he kissed the smooth skin, working his way down. Gently he bit the fine, firm muscle at the top of her shoulder. A gasp escaped her. He could feel a blush in her, burning its way to the surface. For a moment it was enough just to hold her like this, to savor the female form caught between his thighs, the veil of her hair sliding against his face and neck.
“You know this is a mistake,” he said gruffly, lifting his head.
“I don’t care.”
He sank his hand into her hair and kissed her, opening her mouth with his, searching aggressively with his tongue, then caressing in softer, deeper strokes. She tensed against him, a sound caught in her throat, her hands groping around his shoulders.
He had never known such intense need, more than could be satisfied in ten lifetimes. He wanted to spread her out like a feast, kiss and taste every part of her. Reaching behind her, he found the hidden zipper of the dress, and it gave way with a metallic hiss. His hand slipped inside the shadowed opening, fingers spreading across the satiny warmth of her back. The pleasure of touching her shot through him. His mouth traveled over her throat, and he breathed her name, rubbing the syllables into her skin with his lips and tongue—
A harsh caterwaul came from behind him. Startled, he nearly jumped out of his shoes. He turned to see the big, baleful cat glaring at him.
Zoe pulled away from Alex, her eyes wide. Seeing the cat, she laughed breathlessly. “I’m sorry. Poor Byron.” She bent to pet the Persian.
“Poor Byron ?” Alex asked incredulously.
“He’s insecure,” she explained. “I think he needs reassurance.”
Alex gave the cat a narrow-eyed glance. “I think he needs to be drop-kicked from the front doorstep.” His attention was diverted as Zoe held up the gaping front of her dress with one hand.
“Let’s go into the bedroom,” she said. “He’ll settle down in a few minutes.”
Following Zoe, Alex turned and closed the door in the cat’s face. After a moment of silence, they heard a drawn-out yowl, accompanied by scratching.
Zoe gave Alex an apologetic glance. “He’ll be quiet if we leave the door open.”
There was no way he was letting a cat watch while he had sex. “Zoe, do you know what the word ‘cockblocked’ means?”
“No.”
“It’s what your cat is trying to do to me.”
“I’ll give him some catnip,” Zoe said in a moment of inspiration. Opening the door, she paused at the threshold and told him, “Don’t change your mind while I’m gone.”
“I can’t change my mind,” he said darkly. “I’ve already lost it.”
***
Zoe put a spoonful of dried catnip into a brown paper grocery bag, and set it sideways on the kitchen floor. Byron purred and arched against her hand, pleased to have her attention focused on him. “Be a good boy and stay in here, okay?” Zoe whispered.
The cat sniffed at the grocery bag and crept in. The paper crackled and sagged as Byron executed a slow roll inside.
Returning to the bedroom, Zoe closed the door.
Alex had taken off his shoes and was sitting on the edge of the bed, which was covered with a flowered duvet. He looked big and vaguely dangerous in the confines of her bedroom. The glow from the lamp played over the hard perfection of his features, the gleaming black layers of his hair.
“We may have to get creative,” he said. “Not being forewarned, I don’t have any kind of protection for you.”
“I bought some just in case,” she admitted.
One of his brows arched. “You were pretty sure I’d end up at your place.”
“Not sure,” she said. “Just optimistic.”
“Bring them to me.” The raw velvet of his voice caused the back of her neck to prickle in excitement.
Zoe went to the tiny bathroom and closed the door. After undressing and slipping into a soft pink robe, she found the box of condoms, and returned to the bed.
Alex’s gaze traveled slowly over the robe, down to her exposed ankles and bare feet, and back to her flushed face. Taking the box from her, he opened it, took out a packet, and set it on the night table. To her surprise, Alex took out another packet and set it beside the first. She blinked and felt her face turn hot. Sending her a pointed glance, Alex put a third packet on the nightstand.
Zoe couldn’t hold back an airless giggle. “Now you’re being optimistic,” she said.
“No,” came his measured reply, “I’m sure.”
She thought with private amusement that there were situations in which a touch of male arrogance was not necessarily a bad thing.
Alex set aside the box and stood. He unbuttoned his charcoal gray shirt and let it drop to the floor. His vee-neck undershirt was crisp white against tanned skin. Tentatively Zoe reached for the hem of the tee, the bleached cotton holding the warmth and salty-clean scent of his body. She pulled it upward, and he moved to help her. As the undershirt was stripped away, his body was revealed, elegant in its spare, hard strength. For a split second, she wondered if he would be gentle enough, careful enough. It had been so long since she’d been intimate with anyone.
He focused on her, taking in her dazed expression. “Worried?” he asked quietly, his hands coming to her arms, caressing over the robe.
“No, I…” She gave him an unsteady smile. “I just want to remind you that I’m not very skilled.”
“I got it covered,” he said. Pulling her closer, he nuzzled against her hair, the heat of his breath sinking to her scalp.
Yes. That much she knew. The awareness of his experience sent a nervous flutter through her stomach.
Alex drew her to the bed and lay beside her. His callused hand came to the side of her face, warmth and roughness cradling her cheek. He kissed her, slow and insatiable, the taste of him sweet and edged with lemonade tartness. She opened eagerly to the flavor and rolled to press closer to him, trembling in excitement at the feel of the hard masculine form all along hers. Her hands wandered over the arousing textures of him, the silky-coarse hair on his chest, the sleek hardness of his shoulders, the shaven bristle of his jaw.
He nuzzled beneath her jaw and worked his way to the hollow behind her ear, and touched his tongue to her earlobe. Shivering, she turned to find his lips with hers. More of those dizzying wholemouthed kisses, a little deeper, rougher.
Heat had accumulated beneath the pink robe. She wriggled to be free of the confining fabric, she was smoldering, suffocating. Clumsy with desire, she fumbled at the fabric belt. The knot defied her efforts, tightening adamantly until she began to wrench at it in frustration.
Lifting his head, Alex saw what she wanted. “I’ll do it,” he said, reaching for the belt. “Lie still.”
Zoe rolled to her back, gasping. Heat had gathered in her mouth and at the roots of her hair, and between all her fingers and toes. Everywhere. She clenched her thighs against a simmer of wetness. She had never wanted anything as much as she wanted him inside her… she was anxious and aroused, lost in the middle of a dream that might end too soon.
“Alex,” she said desperately, “you don’t have to bother with doing a lot of extra stuff.”
“What stuff?” he asked, busy with the belt of her robe.
She couldn’t prevent a moan of relief as the garment loosened. “Foreplay. I don’t need any right now. Because I’m ready.”
His hands stilled. He looked down at her flushed face, a glint of amusement in his eyes. “Zoe. Do I ever go into the kitchen and tell you how to make a soufflé?”
“No.”
“That’s right. Because that’s your area of expertise. And this is mine.”
“If I were a soufflé,” she said, struggling to pull her arms from the robe, “I would be overdone by now.”
“Trust me, you’re not—oh, God .” The sides of the robe had fallen apart, revealing the abundant pink and white curves of her body. Looking down at her, Alex shook his head slowly. “This is dangerous. This is how people die.”
With a shy grin, Zoe pulled her arms free of the robe, her breasts bouncing with the movement.
Alex said something incomprehensible, his color rising.
“Take me now,” she urged, sliding her arms around his neck. “I don’t want to wait.”
“Zoe…” He wasn’t breathing well. “With a body like yours, skipping foreplay is not an option. In fact… any time you spend out of bed is wasted.”
“Are you saying I’m only good for sex?”
“No, you’re good for a lot of other things,” he said, his gaze locked on her breasts. “I just can’t think of any of them right now.”
Her laugh was muffled as he kissed her. He slid lower, dragging his mouth along her throat, his breath hot against her skin. His hand cupped beneath her breast, lifting it as he took the straining tip into his mouth, his tongue tracing liquid circles. She closed her eyes against the soft balm of lamplight, her senses humming with pleasure as he tugged gently, repeatedly.
There was no world outside this bed, nothing but the two of them. He touched between her thighs where she was wet and sensitive, and her hips rode upward reflexively. His thumb separated the seam of vulnerable flesh, rubbing lightly, the grooved scar sliding deliciously through the wetness. She was so close, so desperate for the climax that hovered just out of reach, that her eyes stung with frustrated tears.
Inside the blur of light and shadow, he was whispering for her to trust him, let him take care of her. His hand cupped her, one of his fingers entering the softness. Reaching deep inside, he traced a subtle pattern, his knuckles wriggling gently.
Her trembling hand slid down to his wrist, where she could feel the intricate movements of bone and tendon. The bedroom was silent as they both concentrated on the secret movements within her. A new tension began at the quick of her body and spread in supple pulses. His face was dark and intent above hers, his fingers slow and clever.
“What are you doing?” she asked through dry lips.
His lashes lowered over a flick of blue fire, and he bent to murmur near her ear. “Writing my name.”
“What?” she asked, disoriented.
“My name,” he whispered. “Inside you.”
The maddening stroking of fingertip and knuckles never stopped. Sensation gathered and began to roll forward as the heel of his hand pressed her rhythmically. Her head fell back against his supportive arm, and she felt his mouth caress her throat.
“That’s… more than four letters,” she managed to say weakly.
“Alexander,” he explained. “And this…” A low, erotic tickle. “This is my middle name.”
“Wh-what is it?”
She felt him smile against her skin.
“Guess,” he murmured.
“I can’t. Oh, please—”
“I’ll tell you,” he murmured, “as long as you don’t come before I finish.”
Impossible to lock the pleasure out. Impossible to ignore the sensations rushing so hard and fast. She strained and stiffened, gripping his shoulders. The shudders began, pleasure spilling in waves, each crest rolling higher until she thought she might pass out. He gathered her against him, took her sobs into his mouth, brought her through the feeling and spun it out even longer.
The release was so absolute that Zoe couldn’t move for minutes afterward, her limbs twitching as if with an electric current. Alex began a leisurely project of kissing her from head to toe. On the way back up, he parted her legs with deliberate caresses, his mouth skimming up the tender inside of her thigh until she jolted.
“You don’t need to do that,” she said, twisting. “I’ve already… no, really. Alex—”
He looked up at her across the rapid rise and fall of her stomach. “Area of expertise,” he reminded her.
“Yes, but…” She stuttered as he gripped her legs behind the knees, pushing them up and apart. “You can ruin a soufflé by overworking the batter.”
His quiet laugh vibrated against the most sensitive part of her, causing her legs to quiver. “You haven’t been overworked,” he murmured. “Yet.” He nuzzled against her, his shaven cheek gently rasping the delicate skin. She struggled to breathe, her heart pounding in a violent rhythm.
“Turn off the light?” she pleaded, a fierce blush racing over every inch of her.
A slow shake of his head, his mouth nudging deeper. She fell back with a little yelp, startled by the slippery-hot stroke of his tongue.
“Shhh,” he whispered, right against her, and the rush of his breath inflamed her even more. Another stroke… a teasing flutter… a swirling taste inside. She gripped handfuls of the flowered duvet, her thoughts dissolving in the burning physical awareness of what he was doing to her. He played with her deliberately, paying attention to every moan and twitch and squirm.
Eventually he lifted his head and whispered, “More.” But the word was tipped upward in a question, and he waited for her reply.
“Yes.” Anything he wanted. Anything at all.
Alex left the bed, and she heard the sounds of his jeans dropping to the floor, and the efficient rip of one of the foil packets on the nightstand. He returned to her, lowering his body over hers, the hair on his chest teasing her breasts. Her breath hastened as she felt the intimate pressure of him.
He settled deeper, every movement careful and easy. She moaned as she felt her body yielding to the steady pressure.
“Am I hurting you?” she heard him whisper.
She shook her head blindly. The sensation was overpowering, but he was so gentle, filling her slowly, letting her take him by degrees. And all the while he brushed kisses against her mouth and throat, whispering that she was sweet, soft, beautiful, that nothing had ever felt this good, nothing ever would again.
It was like a dream, this slow, inexorable possession, both of them intent on coaxing her body to take as much of him as she could. And then he was sealed against her, and her back was flat against the bed, her body weighted and impaled. She turned her face into the brutal swell of his bicep, his skin salt-flavored and delicious against her parted lips. He began to rock against her, a lascivious friction that prodded and rubbed and caressed. The pleasure was shattering. She stiffened, her legs spreading as she was thrown into a blinding climax. His thrusts lengthened, centering straight and deep, and then Alex shuddered, and held her as if the world were about to end.
***
“Tell me,” she said a long time later, in the dark. Her voice was lower than usual, liquid, as if it had been heated to a melting point.
Alex’s hand wandered idly over her sated body. “Tell you what?”
“Your middle name.”
He shook his head.
She tugged gently at his chest hair. “Give me a hint.”
He took her hand and brought it to his mouth, kissing her fingers. “It’s a U.S. president.”
She traced the fine, firm edge of his upper lip. “Past or present?”
“Past.”
“Lincoln.” As he shook his head, she continued to guess. “Jefferson. Washington. Oh, give me another hint.”
His mouth curved against her palm. “Born in Ohio.”
“Millard Fillmore.”
That drew a low laugh from him. “Millard Fillmore wasn’t born in Ohio.”
“Another hint.”
“A Civil War general.”
“Ulysses S. Grant? Your middle name is Ulysses?” She snuggled next to him, smiling against his shoulder. “I like that.”
“I don’t. A thousand playground fights started with someone calling me by my middle name.”
“Why did your parents name you that?”
“My mother was originally from Point Pleasant, Ohio, where he was born. She claimed we were distant relatives. Since Grant was a notorious alcoholic, I could almost believe it.”
Zoe kissed his shoulder.
“What’s your middle name?” Alex asked.
“I don’t have one. And I always wanted one—I didn’t like having only two initials for a monogram. When I married Chris, I finally got three. But I went back to being Zoe Hoffman after the divorce.”
“You could have kept your married name.”
“Yes, but it never seemed to fit me.” She smiled and yawned. “I think deep down, you always know.”
“Always know what?”
Her eyes closed, an overwhelming weariness settling over her. “Who you are,” she said drowsily. “Who you’re supposed to become.”
***
The ghost lay beside Emma’s sleeping form, her hair and face silver-limned as a stray moonbeam slipped through the partially shuttered window. He listened to the soft flow of her breathing, the occasional disruptions as she drifted through dreams. Lying beside her, so close that they would have touched if he’d had a physical form, he could remember the feeling of being young with her, the thrill of being alive and in love, the promise that everything was still before them. With no idea of the evanescence of life.
A memory came to him, of Emma fragile and distraught, her eyes swollen from crying.
“Are you sure?” he asked, the words coming with difficulty.
“I went to the doctor.” Her hand pressed against her stomach, not in the protective way of an expectant mother, but clenched in a fist.
He felt ill, furious, blank. Scared out of his mind. “What do you want?” he asked. “What should I do?”
“Nothing. I don’t know.” Emma began to cry, with the rusted aching sounds of someone who had already been crying a long time. “I don’t know,” she repeated hopelessly.
He put his arms around her, and held her firmly, and kissed her burning wet cheeks. “I’ll do the right thing. We’ll get married.”
“No, you’ll hate me.”
“Never. It’s not your fault.”
Silence.
“I want to marry you,” he said.
“You’re lying,” she choked, but her sobs quieted.
Yes, he was lying. The idea of marriage, a baby, made him die inside. Marriage would be a prison. But he loved Emma too much to hurt her with the truth. And he’d known the risks of having an affair with her. A nice girl, from a fine family, facing ruin because she loved him. If it killed him, he wouldn’t let her down. “I want to,” he repeated.
“I—I’ll talk to my parents.”
“No, I’ll talk to them. I’ll take care of everything. You just calm down. It’s not good for you to get upset.”
But Emma was shaking with relief, holding him tightly, struggling to get even closer. “Tom. I love you. I’ll be a good wife. You won’t be sorry, I swear it.”
The memory faded, and the ghost was left with feelings of shame and dread. For God’s sake, what had been wrong with him? Why had he been so afraid of the thing he had wanted most? He’d been an idiot. If only he’d had it to do over again, everything would be different. What had happened to the baby? And why had Emma lied when she’d told Alex that she and Tom had never talked about getting married? Why hadn’t the wedding ceremony taken place?
He looked at Emma’s still face. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “I never meant to hurt you. You’re all I ever wanted. All I ever loved. Help me find a way back to you.”