Chapter 37 Stevie
Stevie
A text from Rudy comes in just after two a.m. as I’m curled up on the couch, unable to sleep.
Rudy Sinclair: Incoming
I stare at the message, chewing on my thumbnail.
Me: Everything okay?
Rudy Sinclair: Your boyfriend is a mess. Bringing him home.
My heart lashes with anxiety inside my chest.
Lex left the condo midafternoon, and I haven’t heard from him since. He told me to stay inside and rest, that he needed to blow off steam, and that he’d be home late. I was tempted to text him, to check in, but something told me he needed his space.
I thought this would be easy. I figured we’d fulfill the narrative, ride out the star-studded waves for a few months, and then I’d leave. Go back home with a fun story to tell and a handful of connections to get my foot in the door.
The start of a dream, newly in motion.
But somewhere along the line, the dream changed. The colors bled into a new spectrum, and I know that when my time here comes to an end, everything outside of Lex will feel gray. Empty and whitewashed.
Swallowing, I type out another message.
Me: What happened?
Rudy’s bubbles bob up and down.
Rudy Sinclair: Whiskey happened. He needs to sleep it off. Be there in ten.
I toss my phone on the couch cushion and drag my hair back with my fingers.
Regret chews me up. I should have forced him to stay home so we could talk and discuss the future. Figure out what comes next.
Lex isn’t in the right state of mind to be drinking. He’s punishing himself. Acting reckless. Self-destructive.
But I’m not gone yet. There is still time to change the story.
Fifteen minutes later, the door barrels open, and the two men stumble inside. Whipping to my feet, I watch as Rudy hauls Lex through the entryway, their arms linked around each other as Lex sags against him and nearly trips a dozen times.
I race toward them, reaching for Lex. “Is he okay?”
“He will be.” Grappling with the massive body on his right, Rudy drags Lex over to the couch and deposits him with a heavy grunt. “Damn lightweight.”
“Did he get hurt?”
“His sparkling reputation may have been compromised, but nothing too damaging.” Rudy finally turns to me, frowning when he takes in the state of my face. “Jesus. Speaking of getting hurt.”
“Oh…it’s nothing. There was a run-in with a paparazzo this morning outside the complex,” I say, looking away. “I tripped on the sidewalk and ate concrete instead of bagels.”
“Damn. Sorry to hear.”
I blink back over at Lex, my heart sinking as I watch him collapse across the sofa and slam a pillow over his face. “Did…um…anything happen tonight?”
Rudy glances at me again. “Elaborate.”
“You know…” I wave a hand around, my cheeks heating. “With anyone?”
His eyes slant, right before awareness dawns. “Oh. Shit. No, nothing like that.” He slips his hands into his pockets. “On the contrary, actually. The women were hounding him at the club, but he told them to fuck right off and have a Disney World day. Direct quote.”
My chest deflates. “Okay. Thank you.”
“You got it from here?”
“Yeah. I’ll get him to his room.”
“I’ve never seen him like this,” Rudy says, gaze softening as he glances at Lex. “He’s not a drinker. Did something happen between you two?”
I chew on my bruised lip, unable to keep the flush from breaking out across my collarbone.
My eyes dart away.
Rudy connects the dots—he doesn’t need me to elaborate this time. “Got it.”
My arms cross at my chest, chin dipping. “We had an argument last night. Things got a little heated and we…” I glance back up at Rudy.
“Still got it.”
“Then I had that altercation while getting breakfast. The guy grabbed me…and I fell.” I gesture to my bandaged chin, memories carving caverns in my chest. “Lex just kind of shut down after that. He thinks it’s his fault.
” Sighing, I rub my lips together. “Everything is confusing. I don’t know what’s real, what’s not. What he needs from me.”
Rudy blows out a breath, adjusting a pair of fashion-forward glasses on the bridge of his nose. “He doesn’t think you’re cut out for this world. Thinks you’ll fall into the same traps he fell into. And that will wreck him.”
Heart shrinking, I glance at his profile as he studies Lex through narrowed eyes. “What if he’s right?”
“He could be. This life isn’t for everyone.
Some are born into it, and they don’t know anything else.
And some are just visitors. They come in, get dazzled by the lights, but eventually they leave before the lights get too bright, too blinding.
” He blinks, peering over at me. “That’s what he’s afraid of.
You realizing it’s not worth it. That he’s not worth it. ”
My stomach tightens. “This wasn’t supposed to be anything more than a temporary arrangement. I was always meant to be a visitor.”
He shakes his head. “It was always more. Trust me.”
I swallow, fumbling for words, my thoughts in a tailspin. “You think that’s what he wants?”
“He’s too stubborn and stone-walled to admit it, but yeah, that’s exactly what he wants.
Someone who won’t walk away, who sees all the messed-up, ugly things he’s buried himself in and keeps fighting.
It’s why I stick around despite how much he annoys the shit out of me—deep down, he needs me to.
And for some preposterous reason, I really fucking like the guy. ”
A smile twitches. “You’re a good friend.”
“Let’s not get carried away.” He takes a step back, sliding me a wink, then gestures at Lex. “Let him see the real you, Stevie,” he says. “Give him all you’ve got, whatever that might be. And that’ll force him to see the real him.”
The door opens, shuts.
Silence sounds, and I twist back to Lex, who is half-asleep on the couch. Blinking back tears, I stroll into the kitchen to fetch a glass of water and two over-the-counter pills to counteract the hangover. When I take a seat beside him, pressing against his hip, he makes a grumbling noise.
“Hey,” I murmur. “Drink some water.”
The pillow slides off his face. Lex squints at me, his head lolling to the side. “Where’d you come from?” he slurs.
“I’ve always been here.”
A slow blink. “Hmm.”
“Come on. Let’s get you to bed.”
“Your bed?”
“No. Your bed.” After he swallows down the pills and chugs the entire glass of water, I help lift him to his feet, and he stumbles twice before maintaining his balance.
We make our way to Lex’s bedroom, and I realize I’ve never been inside it for longer than a minute. It’s spacious and empty, void of any knickknacks or color pops. Slate-gray bedcovers, white walls, a few pieces of contemporary furniture. A little sad and joyless.
I plop him on the bed, and he rolls onto his back, draping an arm over his face.
Lifting my hands, I remove my scrunchie along with a necklace my mother gave me a few years back.
It’s nothing expensive—just a tarnished chain with a small, heart-shaped locket containing a photo of my parents on their wedding day.
I hold the tiny weight in my hand for a moment before depositing it on his nightstand with the ponytail holder.
“Think I drank too much.” Lex pulls himself up on a pillow, wincing with effort. Heavy, lidded eyes pan in my direction and hold tight as he slouches back against the headboard. “You’re so pretty.”
My insides buzz with warmth.
I study him, his chalky skin, rumpled hair and clothing, dilated pupils.
He’s a mess, but he’s a stunning mess, and all I want to do is touch him.
I want to sprawl out across his chest and spill my heart into the chasm between us until he has no choice but to take it.
“I don’t like seeing you like this,” I whisper. “It hurts. It hurts so much.”
I think that’s as honest as I’ve ever been with him, and it’s a shame he won’t remember in the morning.
Stiffening, Lex drops his head back and peers up at the ceiling fan with whiskey-glazed eyes, his scent a mix of faded nautical cologne and bourbon. “Sorry I didn’t defend you. To my mom,” he says, blinking lazily. “Fuckin’ kills me.”
Tears fill my eyes as I cautiously take a seat beside him. “I’m trying to understand it.”
“Don’t want you to. Hope you never will.”
I press closer, my fingers twitching with the need to tease his hair or brush his cheek. “Do you regret this?” My throat clogs. I know it’s the wrong time to ask him this, but his guard is down, regardless of why, and I need to know. “Me coming here? To LA?”
His eyes flicker open, then close again, a frown creasing his brow. A heavy silence tugs the air. “It’s been the best couple months of my life,” he says softly, the words dangling. Another long pause stretches the distance between us, and then he adds, “Wish it could last forever.”
I hold back a little sound as I shift closer to him, his body heat blazing into me. “Lex—”
He stalls my words, wrapping an arm around my middle and flipping me onto the other side of him.
My back bounces atop the mattress, my hair fanned out in a chocolate frame across his white pillow.
His face comes into view, hovering over me, brows pinched with more than I can decipher in the darkness.
He grazes a finger down the side of my cheek, staring at me intently. “Can’t stop thinking about it,” he murmurs, his breathing growing heavier. “Being inside you.”
The room narrows, oxygen hard to catch.
Awareness courses through me.
I drag my fingertips through his bangs, pushing them back. “Why did you wait? To have sex?”
His eyes close for a beat, like he’s mulling over the words, searching for an answer that makes sense.
Bending, he brushes his lips against my temple.
“Don’t know,” he says. “I just never wanted to. Growing up, I only ever saw it used as a weapon. My father, Bianca, people in the industry.” His lips travel to my mouth and linger gently.
“I guess I thought if I kept that part of me inaccessible, I could protect myself from becoming like them.”
“Lex, no…” I press a kiss to his lips, heartache bubbling over. “You’re not like them. And you’re safe with me.”
“Need you to be safe too.”
“I am safe.”
He flicks his head. “Don’t know if you are. Not here. Not with me.”
Everything inside me burns.
Warm, golden pain.
Lex collapses beside me, draping an arm around my waist and tugging me close. He buries his face against my neck and breathes me in. Inhale, exhale. Deep and shaky. As his lips linger near my jaw, he angles my face toward him with his other hand until our eyes are a few centimeters apart.
I see his shadows lurking. The war within his mind—battlegrounds and combat zones, me on one side of the jagged line and him on the other. No white flags. No place for surrender.
Reaching for his hand, I place it against the center of my chest.
The alcohol glaze fades from his eyes as he glances down at his fingers dusting over my heartbeats, my metronome, a pendulum of raw wounds and fragile purpose.
I can’t help myself.
I lean in and kiss him.
It’s not meant to be more than a touch of solace, a sedative, but I should know better. There’s too much between us, too many feelings brewing, a storm waiting to break.
His mouth opens on a soft moan, tongue slipping inside, warm and hot, peppermint and bourbon.
Everything dissolves. The heartache, the fear, the missed turns and foggy future.
My tongue slides against his, slow, intimate, all-consuming.
My arms wrap around his shoulder blades, hands gripping his black T-shirt, our mouths angling, fighting for dominance.
He palms my breast through my tank top.
“Lex, we shouldn’t…” I gasp out, breaking away. “You’ve been drinking.”
I’ll regret this tomorrow when he retreats again, when he hides inside himself and holds me just out of reach.
More importantly, I don’t want him to regret it either.
He stares at me, understanding gleaming in his gaze before he nods. I lower his cheek to my chest and glide my fingers through his hair.
A tear slides loose.
And a single question brews in the back of my mind, swelling to a peak. It breaks through the levee, a violent flood, pouring out before I can stop it. “Why did you leave after the accident?”
Time stops as I wait.
Lex inhales a deep breath and lets it out through his nose, the warmth seeping through my cotton tank. “Didn’t have a choice,” he says, his voice low and groggy, his mind faraway. “Needed to protect you.”
I frown, staring down at him with wide eyes. “Protect me from what?”
“Me. Everything.”
“Lex…” I press a hand to his shoulder. “I don’t understand.”
“The DUI.” He pulls away and collapses beside me on the bed, turning and rolling over. “My father took care of it. He’s a lawyer…”
A breath lodges as my pulse jumps.
I lean over him, dusting my palm along his hairline and stroking back his bangs with the pad of my thumb. “What do you mean?”
“He took care of it. I made him do it,” he mumbles, the potent elixir of alcohol and deep sleep stealing him from me. “Was the only way…”
Before he passes out, he whispers one more thing as I press my forehead to his temple and squeeze my eyes shut, warm tears spilling down my cheeks.
“All he needed was my soul.”