Chapter 38 Lex #2
“You said it because it’s true. You’re right to feel used.
All I’ve ever done is suck all the goodness out of you and spin it into something that benefits me.
I used your kindness as an escape when we were young.
Our story as a career move. Your empathy as a publicity stunt,” I confess brokenly.
Fuck —I really am an asshole. Putting it all out there, laid out in painful bullet points, is an acid-doused dagger to my guts.
“I’m no better than my mother. I’ve never seen you so furious, so torn apart, as you were the night we…
” Swallowing, I pull free of her hands and take a step back, distancing myself from the messes I’ve made. “And then I used that too.”
Her head swings back and forth, rejecting all the things she knows are true. “I wanted it. I wanted it so badly.”
“For how long? How long are you going to want this? Me?” I stare at her bandaged face, the evidence of my sins on full display. “Look at what it’s doing to you. And now your family is caught up in it.”
“We…we can figure it out.” She reaches for me again, grips me tighter, with everything she has. “I’m not ready to say goodbye. I already lost you once, and it broke me.”
“I’m still breaking you,” I grit through my teeth, grabbing her tear-drenched cheeks in my hands and angling her face, showcasing her wounds and cuts. “Look at you. Your face. Your fucking leg. You’re lucky you can even walk.”
Her knee trembles like it heard me. “That was an accident.”
“It was my accident. I caused that. And when someone shows you who they really are, you believe them.”
“I have seen who you are.” Stevie jerks back, dropping my wrists and stabbing a finger at my chest. “It’s not who you think it is.”
“You witnessed who I am at dinner with my mother. I sat there like a useless prick while she tore you to pieces, and I didn’t say a word to defend you.”
“You can’t see it, can you?”
Emotion tunnels up my throat. “See what?”
“The good in you.”
My voice fractures on a broken breath, her statement poking holes in places it shouldn’t. “Nicks…”
She presses both hands to her heart, gazing up at me with conviction.
“Nobody’s perfect, Lex. Nobody always does the right thing at the right time.
But we learn. We grow. With every blow, every setback, we become better people,” she says.
“I can’t pretend to understand the things you’ve been through, the horrors you’ve seen.
But you still know how to feel, how to love, how to make people smile, and that’s beautiful.
” Tears spill down her pearly cheeks. “Look at your charity, at all the people you’re helping.
And my bedroom. You transformed it into something you knew I’d love, something that reminded you of me, just because you cared.
Because you wanted to make me happy.” She swipes at her face, but she can’t keep up with the sorrow leaking from her eyes.
“And what you did when you left…after the accident.”
My heart stutters.
I stare at her, the words ricocheting through me. “What are you talking about?”
She bites her lip, glancing down at the floor. “The DUI.”
What?
How the fuck does she know about that?
Our eyes meet.
Stevie takes a step closer, licks the salt from her lips. “You did something to get the charges dropped. Made some kind of deal. You told me last night, when you were—”
“ Fuck .” I blow out a hard breath, spinning around and facing the window. I cup a loose hand over my jaw, closing my eyes. She’s not supposed to know about that. She was never supposed to know.
“Lex—”
“You think that makes me a fucking saint?” I whirl back around.
“Jesus, Stevie, I did it because it was the least I could do. You lied for me, almost ruined your entire life, and for what?” I slam a finger to my chest and shake my head.
“I almost killed you because I fell asleep at the goddamn wheel with my best friend in the passenger’s seat. ”
Her lip wobbles, words trembling. “I did it because I care too. Because I needed to protect you.”
“And now I’m protecting you. I never should have brought you into this.
It’s tearing me the fuck apart.” My voice breaks, cracks into smithereens.
“Stevie, listen to me. You have to get on that plane. Go live your life. Be with your family, surround yourself with everything I could never give you—peace, safety, happiness—and…” The words barely make it past my throat. “Fall in love.”
“Lex,” she whispers, tears streaming down her face. “I already am.”
The world tilts.
I stare at her, frozen, before my eyes close tight. My hands tremble, hanging uselessly at my sides. I feel my pulse roaring in my ears, drowning out every thought except—
“No.”
“Yes,” she chokes, her hands reaching for me, pulling me closer. “Lex, yes.”
My eyelids flutter open, and I find her staring back, eyes glistening like shattered emeralds. I take her wrists, shaking my head, refusing to accept what she’s saying.
She can’t love me.
It’s not possible . We’re not possible.
Stevie’s gaze locks on my face, and a broken sob escapes her lips.
Hot tears spill down my cheeks.
I’ve only cried twice in my life that I can remember. Once as I was walking off the set of my first major television show, forced to say goodbye to all the animals I loved, my costars, the good people who had my back. I was only ten. Just a child.
And then again after the accident.
I knew I’d lost her. My only lifeline had been severed at the quick, all by my own doing. I cried my heart out in the front seat of my sports car, slamming my fists against the wheel, screaming my agony into the cold, blizzardy night.
“Goddammit, Nicks. This is killing me.” I take her face in my hands, lifting her head, needing to see her eyes.
Her truth. “You want this life? And I don’t just mean me.
I mean all this. The media, the paparazzi, the cameras, the nonstop traveling, your entire existence in the public eye.
Your family in the spotlight. Do you really want that?
Because that’s what comes along with me.
” I squeeze her, holding her gaze, forcing my words to eclipse the stars in her eyes.
“It’s not pretty. It’s not soft. It’s a fucking curse. ”
Her eyes flicker, just for a second…but I see it.
The hesitation, the uncertainty—it’s all right there, and it hits me harder than any answer she could give.
She nods.
But that tiny pause, that moment of doubt, it slams into me, a hammer to my windpipe. I brush my thumb over her cheek, feeling the weight of the decision settle in my chest.
Something inside me dies.
Hope.
It’s been a beaming, brewing feeling, crawling inside my bones from the moment I stood on the balcony of her piano bar and watched her play “Your Song” with fire in her eyes and starlight in her soul—the same feeling that had burrowed inside me when we were teenagers, when all my ashy, burned-out pieces kindled with new purpose.
She’s always been my hope, wrapped in dark hair, pale skin, and emerald eyes. Hope of better days, of sweeter living. An all-consuming light just within reach.
But it’s too late.
It’s too fucking late.
I pull her to me, burying my face in her sweet-smelling hair, my tears dampening the strands. I breathe her in. Hold her tight.
No words.
Just her, wrapped inside my arms.
For the last time.
“Go, Stevie.” I yank myself free, my stomach curdling, lungs shrinking. “You have to go. I need you to get on that plane.”
Stevie’s mouth hangs open with anguish, her tearful image mirroring mine. She drags her fingers through her hair, tugging it back, shaking her head with disbelief.
We stare at each other, dangling in heart-scraping limbo. I move farther back, closer to the front door, needing to get away. This heartbreak is no less than a hurricane, tunneling out my insides and tearing my chest in half.
“Text me when you land,” I grit out, tears slicing at my eyes. “Please. I need to know you got home safely.”
“Lex…” She cups a hand around her mouth, my words a blade between her ribs.
I feel it too. The razor-like edges.
The knifepoint.
This is what true loss feels like.
Not the slow erosion of innocence or the quiet fading of warmth from things that once mattered. It’s the kind that hits all at once. That rips the ground out from under you. The kind that guts you, making you wonder if there’s anything left to salvage.
I swallow, heaving in a shallow breath. “Just know that I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, Nicks.” My voice splinters, vision blurring as another whitecap of tears threatens to spill over. “Fucking everything.”
I can’t look at her as I move past her to the front door, shoving my feet inside my shoes, my stomach twisted into knots, and everything in ruins.
She calls out to me as I reach for the door handle. “It doesn’t have to be like this,” she cries, agony lacing every word. “Don’t let them win.”
My eyes close, my jaw aching from the force of trying to keep the grisly tatters of my heart from spewing out between us.
I hesitate.
Swallow.
“They don’t.” I whip open the door and disappear into the hall. “You win.”