Chapter 6
CHAPTER 6
S HANNON
Today feels ominous. It was two nights ago that Troy and I had sex. The older kids are at school, and Chase is at the zoo with my brother, Ben, and sister-in-law, Trina.
I’m alone with my husband for the first time in forever, and it’s uncomfortable as hell.
I look up from my coffee as Troy walks into the room, having dropped Chase off at Ben’s. The last two days, since I did the least sexy thing ever and cried at the end of sex, have been so awkward.
He looks at me with hope in his eyes, his tall frame filling the doorway. There’s something else in his gaze, though, too, maybe fear or worry. The hand, not holding his coffee, is tucked safely in his pocket. He fidgets when he’s stressed, so I know he does this intentionally to keep his hand still.
“Do you want to go get brunch this morning? Maybe take a hike in the park?” There’s uncertainty in his quiet voice.
I shake my head. “There’s too much to do around here.”
It’s an excuse, and the crestfallen look on his face tells me he knows it. He walks over and sits on the chair opposite me.
“There’s two of us. We could knock it all out and still have some time to spend together. C’mon, you love brunch at Pat’s Diner.”
I should be excited at the prospect of some alone time with Troy, but I’m not. I feel... empty. That, and sad.
“I don’t want to,” I whisper. “I...”
Troy waits patiently, but I don’t finish my sentence, not sure what to say.
“Babe? Is this about the other night? I’m sorry for whatever I did to make you cry. I hate to see you hurt and?—”
“‘See’ me hurt? You haven’t ‘seen’ me in months, maybe years.” There’s not even anger in my voice, only resignation.
Troy places his coffee on the table next to him, then rubs his hands over his eyes as he sighs. It’s not a frustrated sign. No, it seems… forlorn. He looks back over at me. “I don’t understand what’s happening to us, but we feel off. I want to fix it, but I don’t know how.”
I say nothing, sensing that wherever this conversation leads might be life-altering. Am I ready for that?
When he can no longer stand the silence, Troy stands and comes to sit next to me on the couch. With his body angled toward me and his full focus on me, he tries again. “Tell me why you’re upset. I know that you are.”
“Why do you even care?” I shake my head at him, and he backs away from me at the sting of my words.
“I care because you’re my wife. You’re obviously upset or angry?—”
“I’m not either. I’m tired. Disappointed.”
“Disappointed?” Hurt flashes across his face, but he quickly masks it, like he does all of his emotions. “Disappointed in what? Our life... me?”
I peer into his eyes and expect to see something other than the confusion that’s there. I don’t understand how he can ignore what our life—our relationship—has become.
“You must want something more than this.” I gesture to the room around us. “More than me...”
Troy scoots closer to me and grabs my hand, holding it in his. I feel nothing.
“Shannon, what are you talking about? I love our life. If this is about the other day, I’m sorry I picked up the hours without checking with you first. I’ll?—”
“No.” I jerk my hand away. “It’s not that simple. You... you don’t see me anymore. It’s like I’m invisible to you.” He flinches at my words, and his posture tenses.
“That’s not true. I know you haven’t been your usual self, but I don’t know how to fix that. Tell me how, and I will.”
“I don’t want to have to tell you!” My tone is harsh. “I want you to see me. Like you used to. I want you to remember I had dreams for what I wanted out of my life. I’m more than a chauffeur and keeper of dirty laundry! I want a husband who talks to me and makes me feel alive.” I throw the words out at him rapid fire. Like accusations.
Troy grasps his head in his hands and closes his eyes. I watch him for several long seconds, and when he doesn’t respond, I know what I have to do.
He’ll never do it. So, it has to be me. I swallow past the massive lump in my throat.
“I want a divorce.”