Chapter 8
CHAPTER 8
T ROY
“Great,” I mutter as I look for something to eat in the fridge. It’s pretty bare, and I meant to go grocery shopping during the day today since I get the kids tomorrow. Instead, I stayed after work when the captain was looking for volunteers. What does it matter? I don’t have the kids today. So, if I can’t be with my family, I might as well work. Plus, the overtime will help cover Oliver’s impending braces. Shannon texted me last evening to let me know he had a dentist appointment yesterday, and the dentist prepared her that braces were in his future this year.
This is how I communicate with my wife now—via text. For over a decade, whenever I was on shift, I’d call once after school to speak to each kid, and then I’d call Shannon around nine p.m. every night to stay connected. She knew if I didn’t call, then it meant I was out on a medical or fire call and would get a hold of her as soon as I could.
That all changed several months ago after Shannon told me she wanted a divorce. She stopped answering my calls and only sent text responses that everything was fine. I kept calling, though. Every night. Every night until she told me to stop... thirteen days ago. Thirteen days, yet the conversation is fresh in my memory.
As the phone rings, my throat tightens. I had gone back and forth in my head for fifteen minutes about whether I should call Shannon tonight. Tonight, things are different. We stood in a courtroom yesterday and almost got divorced. I’m not foolish enough to believe the delay the judge ordered will change anything—Shannon’s made it clear it’s too late for that—but I’m relieved nonetheless that it’s not officially over. We’re not officially over.
Still, I haven’t missed making this call for even one night in almost fifteen years with the fire department, and I can’t bring myself to start tonight. Besides, she won’t answer, so I’ll leave a ? —
“Hello.”
I swallow past the lump in my throat. “Shan? Is that you?”
“Who else would be answering my phone, Troy? Of course, it’s me.” There’s no sarcasm in her voice, just exhaustion.
“Yeah, I know that. Sorry, I’m surprised you answered.” My heart beats erratically against my rib cage like it’s trying to escape my chest. “H-how was the day today?”
There’s silence on the other end for several moments, followed by a deep sigh.
“Troy, what are you doing?”
“I’m checking in. Like I always do.”
“You spoke with the kids earlier. But we’re not together anymore, and this call was always about us. There’s no us, now.”
My mind races for a reason to convince her we still should talk when I’m at work. “I… It’s also so you could update me on the kids.”
“I can text you for that. I’ll call if it’s an emergency, but I’ll text you everything else.”
I’m the one silent now. My tongue is thick and unable to work. I take a few breaths before I can force myself to respond. “Shan, can we talk a ? —”
“Please stop calling. We’re not married anymore.”
“Yes, we are,” I shoot back at her, having no problem finding my voice now.
“On paper only. Stop calling. Please.”
That’s it. She says nothing else.
I can tell she’s hung up, but I can’t bring myself to remove the phone from my ear right away. It’s too final. The last call.
“In my heart, too. We’re still married in my heart,” I whisper into the phone. It doesn’t matter that no one is on the other end to hear it.
I don’t know how much time passes while I’ve been sitting here, holding my phone to my ear, when the fire station radio goes off, alerting me to an emergency call. It pulls me from my daze. I close my phone, place it in my pocket, and then make my way to the garage to join Lincoln, one of my brothers-in-law and my friend, on the squad.
I realize I’m still standing there, staring into the nearly empty refrigerator. I shake my head a few times, hoping it will reset my thoughts. I grab an apple from the refrigerator and then close the door. After I scoop a few spoonfuls of peanut butter onto a plate, I cut up the apple.
When a loud banging on my door startles me, I nick my finger with the knife. I grab a paper towel and wrap my finger before heading to the door.
“Who is at my door at eight p.m. without calling first?” I mutter. I get my answer pretty quickly.
“C’mon, Troy. Open up. We’re not leaving,” a deep voice booms through the thin faux wood of the door.
I’d know that voice anywhere. Ben, along with his twin, Jack, has been one of my best friends since shortly after I started dating Shannon all those years ago. Once we got past that initial “hurt my sister and die” vibe they tried to give off, that is.
Still confused as to why he’s here, I make it to the door and pull it open. I’m stunned to see not only Ben but Jack as well as my other brothers-in-law—at least for now—Lincoln and Finn. I’ve known Lincoln for years since we both work on B shift at Station One. Finn, I only met a few years back when he and Shayna, one of Shannon’s sisters, got together.
I step back, and they file in. Finn is carrying several boxes of pizza, Ben and Jack are each carrying beverages, and Lincoln is palming two half gallons of ice cream with a giant grin on his face.
“Don’t mind him,” Ben says, tilting his head toward Lincoln. “He’s wearing that shit-eating grin ‘cause he gets to have ice cream.”
“Huh?” I ask.
“Shyley has him on a diet after he got his cholesterol results back, and they’re a little high. She’s cut off his nightly ice cream habit,” Jack says. We all chuckle at that, knowing if Shyley tells him no ice cream, there’s been no ice cream in that house.
“Yeah. It’s been tough,” Lincoln laughs. “But what happens at ‘Bro Night’ is protected, so none of you can rat me out.”
Hell, I forgot to text them back that I couldn’t make our monthly ‘Bro Night’ we’ve been holding since shortly after Finn and Shayna got married.
“Sorry guys, I meant to respond to your texts...”
“It’s okay,” Finn says as he sets the pizza on the counter. “We figured we’d bring it to you. We know you’ve had a lot going on.”
Over the next ten minutes, it’s a bit chaotic with five guys, all of us over six feet tall, trying to navigate our way around the small kitchen to get some food and then find a spot to sit in my cramped living room.
Once we’re all settled in a seat, I take a bite of my pizza. I’m grateful for it since I know that apple wasn’t going to cut it for dinner. Then I swallow and wash it down with a swig of beer to clear my throat. “Thanks for coming, guys. You didn’t have to do this. I know we usually go out on these nights. You could’ve gone without me.”
Lincoln throws his rolled-up paper towel at me. “Well, that’s a stupid thing to say. It wouldn’t be the same without you. We’ve always worked our schedule out around when we can all be there. Why would tonight be any different?”
I don’t answer immediately. When I look around the room, there’s a similar look on each of their faces—legitimate curiosity. Eyebrows are raised, heads tilted. Why don’t they get this?
“Guys...”
Jack sets his plate down on my coffee table. “What? You’re gonna have to spell it out for us, brother.”
I rub my hands over my eyes, not ready for this. When I look at them again, I take a deep breath.
“When... when?—”
“You think that this, us hanging out, will end when things with you and Shannon are final.” Finn’s voice is practically a whisper.
He gets it, yet he’s frowning at me.
It’s clear this is a shock to the others as Ben’s eyes bulge and Jack’s mouth hangs open.
Lincoln, though, his eyes are narrowed, his lips pursed. “What the hell, man?” His words are angry.
“Linc, come on. We’ll see each other at the Station, but we all know how this works.”
Lincoln stands so quickly that he almost knocks over his soda. “Screw you. You don’t get to decide not to be our friend. That’s bull, Troy.” Hurt and anger both flash in his eyes.
“I’m not deciding anything. It’s not what I want. It’s how it happens. You think Shannon is gonna want her brothers and her brothers-in-law hanging out with her... her ex?” My voice catches on the word “ex.” I close my eyes and take a deep breath before I open them again. I need to let them know I won’t hold it against them. “You’ll all be in the middle, and you’ll try to stay friends with me at first, but it’ll get awkward, and I’ll hear from you less and less until you’re?—”
I literally can’t finish my sentence. Grief washes over me. I’m going to lose them all. Just like I lost my dad’s family after he left. It ended up being just me and my mom. That’s what happens. I’m losing my wife, I’m losing time with my kids, and I’m going to lose the only brothers I have.
Lincoln is now pacing around my small living room. I look to the others for help.
“No.” It’s a firm and resounding sound filling my apartment. “No. That’s not happening, Troy.” Jack stares at me, daring me to challenge his words. He stands and makes his way over to me. I’m not sure what he’s going to do. Punch me, maybe?
Instead, he puts a hand on my shoulder. “Some things might look a little different, but you’re still our friend, and you couldn’t be any more of a brother to us than you are. So, no. You aren’t leaving us, and we aren’t leaving you. No matter what.”
I look into Jack’s eyes and see nothing but sincerity there. I glance around the room and meet Finn and Ben’s eyes, too. I can see how they feel about me hasn’t changed, and they both nod, reassuring me they agree with Jack.
“You thought we were gonna ditch you, you asshole?” Lincoln’s voice is rough, and when I look at him, now done with his back and forth across my floor, his eyes are misty. He’s always been the most comfortable among us with letting his emotions out.
Before I can answer, he pulls me into a bear hug. In typical Lincoln fashion, he holds on longer than any of us are comfortable with. “We’re not going anywhere,” he says, still gripping me.
After several moments, Jack chuckles, and Finn chides, “I think he gets it, Linc.”
“Yeah, yeah. Okay.” Lincoln finally lets me go, and we all look at each other awkwardly, not knowing how to bring it back to regular guy time.
Ben reaches into the bag he brought. “Does anyone want to play Yahtzee?”
The tension in the room dissipates immediately as we break out in laughter. Ben is holding up a Yahtzee box.
“For shit’s sake, Ben. Maybe you should leave and go hang with Mom and Aunt Jen tonight if you want to play Yahtzee,” Jack teases.
After giving Ben a hard time, we settle on watching the hockey game that’s on television, as we eat more pizza.
The next hour passes fast—it always does when we hang out— and before we know it, Lincoln has scooped out ice cream for each of us, and Ben, not to be deterred, has set up Yahtzee on my small coffee table. He suckers Finn into playing with him because Finn is the ultimate nice guy and will do almost anything for anyone.
Jack, Lincoln, and I watch the rest of the hockey game, not even bothered by the shaking of the dice in the little plastic cup and the trash-talking Ben is tossing at Finn whenever he gets a decent roll.
When the hockey game is over, I stand, grab everyone’s empty ice cream bowls, and make my way to the kitchen. Jack follows and helps me get the dishes done and the kitchen straightened up. When we’re done, I turn to head back into the living room.
“Troy?”
I stop and look over my shoulder at Jack. “You okay?”
“Yeah. I meant what I said in there. We all did. We love Shannon and we hate to see her hurting. We’ll do anything to protect her, but we know we don’t have to protect her from you. You’d never intentionally hurt her. What’s...” He pauses and runs his hand through his hair nervously. “What’s happening with you two doesn’t change the fact that you’re an important part of this family. We’re not letting you go. You’re our brother.”
I swallow past the lump in my throat, fighting back the emotion rising in my chest, and nod at him. My chin quivers, and I grab a hold of it with my left hand to still it. Just when I think I’m going to lose the battle and tear up for the second time in two weeks, a shout of “Yahtzee!” rings out through my small house.
I tilt my head and look at Jack. “Was that Linc?”
“I think it was.” He shakes with laughter. “C’mon, let’s join ‘em.”
A few minutes later, Ben, Finn, and Lincoln have sucked us into their game. The five of us thirty-something guys are spread out around my tiny living room floor, egging each other on as we play the most competitive game of Yahtzee I imagine has ever been played.